Ali74

My partner of 8 yrs is on cocaine and has been since b4 I met him which I didn't know! Have only really know for the last 4 yrs! It is a big issue as he is using most nites along with alcohol! Says he is gonna stop but it never happens! He went to a help center once and never went back saying it was a waste of time and he could do it on his own by cutting down to just a Wednesday and of course the weekend then stopping all together,this hasn't happened either. He thinks he is good at hiding it but he isn't! He spends all his wages on it which is a big issue as it leaves me struggling to pay rent, bills, food and everyday living on my wage which is less than his! We have no savings so when the money is gone, normally weeks b4 the nxt payday life is a joke, borrowing money to live and support my 3 children! The kids must wonder y we never have any money to do anything, holidays etc! Dreading Christmas!! I want him to see the doctor for help but he says it will then go on his record and with his line of work that isn't good because they could ask to see his records and see that on there, does anyone know if that is true or can that b held confidential! Any advice would b really appreciated! Sorry it's so long, lol

Natom

Hey Ali,

The only way your partner is going to get help is if he wants too. I recommend you have a read around this forum.

Friends and Family of Substance Abusers - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

Regarding the doctors. It will be on his file. If in his line of employment they are required to look at them then yes they will see it. I don't know if there is anyway around this. If he wants to stop then you should try and look into local drug and alcohol services. There are TONS in London. Perhaps even think about looking into rehabs if he gets serious.

Jitterbugg

If he is lowering your kids' standard of living through his drug use, you have to give him an ultimatum to clean up or get out!! It's one thing if he is screwing up his own life (like I did), but it is another if a whole family goes down with him.

Rosiepetal

Hello.
Sounds like he's in denial & doesn't want to change.
Your childrens needs should come first.
So sorry you're going through this.
Keep reading.

least

The fact that he's spending all his money on cocaine and you're left struggling to take care of everything is a big red flag to me. It makes me 'see red' as in really angry. It's so damned unfair of him to do this, even tho as an addict he really can't be responsible, as responsibility goes out the window when we are addicted.

And no, you can't 'make' him seek treatment. He has to want it himself.

If I were in your shoes I think I'd look out for my kids and myself first and let him sink or swim on his own. I'd better not say anymore...

Hollyanne

Go to the friends and family section to get a bit of a sense of where this is going.
So, he needs a secure job.
Not to support a family, but so he can continue to snort his pay-check.
Okey Dokey then.

artsoul

Welcome Ali -

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. Addiction takes a huge tole on families. Most addicts will do whatever they can to hold on to their addiction until the consequences become too great to do so.

You may have to make some hard decisions to protect yourself and your children. I hope you check out the link Natom gave you.

NarAnon is another avenue of support:
Nar-Anon Home

Rosiepetal

Ali, an alarm just went off in my head & need to share,
please be very careful with any finances, credit cards, joint accounts etc.
I had a drug abuse husband & he hid the fact we were $15,000 in debt with credit card (I only had secondary card that I used for groceries only) & when our marriage split up I was liable for half of it & I had to repay it.

YoungAndClean

I'm sorry for what your going through I wish you the best.

Ali74

Hi all, yesterday I decided to write my partner a letter as I find this the easiest way, 6 a4 pages later I was done, explaining what his drug taking is doing to me, him, his health and our life together! I even included the poem "Hello my name is drugs" which I thought was brilliant and to the point! After he read it he realised he had to make a choice and he said that he would need me more than ever to help him through it, told him he has 1 chance to change things otherwise I would b calling it a day on our relationship. He commented on the poem saying it was very hard hitting and very true! Fingers crossed it has helped him realise things need to change! Tonite we are gonna sit down and come up with an action plan as it were and start deleting phone numbers from his phone and discussing his friends! Any advice on what else I can do to help him?

Sazzle

Sounds very positive. I would really recommend finding a NA class nearby. I went to my first AA meeting last night and it was amazing. Meeting people JUST like me with the same thoughts, patterns and behaviours. It makes you realise you are not different or special!

Even if you find another way to support him and he doesn't take to it, it's really cathartic hearing stories of where other people were when they decided to change.

Good luck, I really hope it works out for you (and him) but mostly for you xx

Ali74

Thank you I hope everything goes well for you too xx

Ali74

Hi everyone, partner is 2 days clean lets hope it lasts, so proud of him!

Ali74

Hiya, 3rd day back on it!! That lasted long he says he had a bad day at work, don't we all!!!!

wpainterw

If he's using again this violates the agreement you said you had with him that he would have only one chance. If this continues, off and on then he's jerking you around and you risk becoming an enabler. I suggest you see a counselor and get advice as to how to handle this situation. It's going to be hard for you to take a firm stand on this but it may be necessary both for you and for him. You will need help from counseling and from others in your predicament, such as Alanon or other support groups. Good luck!

W.