DejaVu2

New here, hoping to find what I'm looking for.

Starting from the beginning will result in a very long post. I will skip the details unless asked for clarification.

My husband has a drug issue. It's really putting it's strain on me. He was clean for 2 years. Two solid years. Then all of a sudden he thought he could do a "little bit" and ended up blowing the paycheck and everything he had on him of value for a total amount of $1000 on crack (and three days later).
It came out of nowhere. He was stressed at work (still is) but other than that I hadn't noticed any changes, any problems. We were doing great. Then this happens and two weeks later he leaves again does a little bit and couldn't get anymore money so he came back home the same night.

It's almost been two weeks since his last lapse.

I've made it extremely difficult for him to access any money (partially his idea, he knows he can't handle it) and he has been carpooling to and from work. Which he will be returning to driving himself tomorrow (makes me nervous)

I know if he wants it bad enough he will find a way and there's nothing I can do to stop him. He wants to quit. He wants to be good. It's just whenever he can get his hands on money... he loses it.

I've tried discussing what 'triggers' he's going through and he says he only 'craves' when he has money. If he doesn't have money for it; it doesn't even cross his mind. So for now all we really have in place is I am in charge of money. But even with that; he's not in control of his problem. I don't mind being in control of all our income and expenses, but he still needs to be in control of the disease. Everyday he's at work I worry like hell that he won't come home.

I'm sick with worry. I'm starting to think his problem is harder on me than it is on him.

I don't understand being clean for 2 years and slipping like that.
I don't understand how, why, what. None of it makes sense to me.

I want to help him; he doesn't seem to think meetings or individual counseling will help.
He won't communicate with me when he wants it. Which I think would be helpful. He said most the time he can push it out of his mind and distract himself but seconds later it comes back stronger. I just wish he would talk about it when it's happening so we don't start all over again.

I am beyond a mental wreck right now. So worried, so hurt, it's still so fresh, I don't feel like I'm getting the support I need in order to support him. It's just so all over the place.
I don't know where to start with helping him. I feel like a straight jacket and chaining him to a tree would be a good start but something about the legality of that is bothersome.
Mostly I think I just need somebody to talk to in order to get my mind back in a working order. I feel better letting things out. He boxes it up. Once I can get a grip on myself I will be able to better focus on him and helping him. I think.

hello-kitty

My BIGGEST fear is that SOMEDAY I might think that I could use crack again.... just a little bit. But the thing is there is no such thing as a little bit of crack. And once you feed the monster within you... once you wake it up, there is no telling if you will ever be able to put it down again.

Crack addiction is progressive, so when you start using again, you pick up RIGHT where you left off. Complete and total addiction comes on fast. You quickly go right back to where you were when you quit using the last time. And each time you relapse it is harder and harder to quit. God just talking about it makes me want to throw up.

Your husband made a big mistake. Now the crack-monster is awake inside him. There's nothing you can do to fix him. He's going to have to fix this on his own. It's NOT about you. It's not about "we". It's all on him. Your role in this is to set boundaries about what is acceptable in your relationship and determine the steps you will take if those boundaries are violated.

Start by helping yourself - seriously. Get into your defensive position real quick or you could get taken for everything. That's just how a crack relapse works. Set some firm boundaries about what you are willing to put up with in a relationship - right now it doesn't really sound like you have any. You cannot stop him from using if that's what he wants to do. So how much are you willing to put up with?

I would get prepared for a worst case scenario - a complete and total relapse into crack addiction. Hide your jewelry. Put some money away. Write down your boundaries. Read codependent no more. Prepare an escape plan. It never hurts to be prepared - ask anyone who just went through Hurricane Sandy. Always be prepared for the worst.

That way, you are prepared for him to continue smoking crack and you haven't lost everything. But if he does decide to quit using, well, you don't have to act on your escape plan, but at least you have it!

Your focus needs to be on YOU and helping YOU. He's an adult. He knows what he needs to do. He just needs to get serious about it. Pressure or "help" or "support" from you won't help him get there.

LoveMeNow

Cynical One has a lot of great information on Crack and Crack/sex addiction in her blog. You can find with the search feature. It seems they often go hand and hand.

My good friends husband was in recovery, working a program, for 2 yrs and relapsed back to crack. Three years later, he is still actively using. Lost another great job, weighs around 120 lbs, and will steal the anything to get his drug.

She has found out during his "clean" time, he was still carrying on with other woman over the internet - that she knows of anyway.

She has since moved out with very little money, got emotionally healthy, divorced him and has met a wonderful new man. Her biggest regret was that she didn't leave sooner.

Sadly, the stats for a recovery addict staying clean for life are below 10%. Addiction is just that powerful. A recovery addict must stay vigilant at all times.

Just curious, was your husband drinking or working a program before his relapse?

outtolunch

Do you have children living at home?

DejaVu2

Thanks all,
I have a plan set if he screws up again. A safety net for myself. I know there's a line... a point where I will leave if it goes too far. I just don't know where that point is yet. Each time cut deeper. I want to make this work, I know he does too. I don't know how many more times before I say F- It and walk away. But I warned him the next time he does it... I wont be sitting at home just waiting on if and when his sorry butt comes home.
I'm slightly stubborn but trying not to be close minded. This is a long shot... He was really bad before he quit...

He did crack steadily for 13 years or more; in and out of prison because of it. Mostly theft charges while trying to get more drugs.

Which no, he wasn't in a program or anything his 2 years clean actually came about in prison. He had to quit those two years...
He mentioned trying to replace the cravings and triggers with alcohol but I'm a recovering alcoholic here and told him... I can't have him bringing home booze every night. I'm 2 years sober. I was an alcoholic by the time I was 12 and sober before my 21st birthday.
I can't do alcohol.
I've "experimented" I guess you could say with all sorts of drugs. And 2 years ago we did do crack together one week and I HATED it. Everything about it. I tried explaining to him that it turns him into a person that I hate. It turned me into somebody I hated. You aren't yourself. I couldn't stand it. He said he would quit... 3 weeks clean and he got locked up for 2 years. Came home and three months out and working, a home, everything he could need right here and he slips. I don't know. I'm going to stop rambling.


- No, definitely no children. Won't be for quite a while either; this needs some kind of resolve before I even half way consider that option. Not happening. Not bringing children into what he's doing. Can't. Won't. I refuse.

DejaVu2

Side question;
Do y'all think it could be of help to get him on this forum? I'm here for support, research, and strength. But I think it could do him some good to understand more too.
We both made the mistake thinking over 2 years clean he should be alright but I should've known better. It was over 2 years ago that I did it... and I only did it for a week... I still can't talk about it without my teeth itching for it. I don't 'want' it but a part of my brain definitely does. Along with every other thing I've ever done.
Anyway... think it could be a useful tool for him? So far today counts the 2 week mark. It's payday. He's gone for work and I'm on my way to the ATM to draw out all our money and lock it up in his mother's safe. (which neither I nor him know the combination) But today he has to see his parole officer. So he's driving himself to and from work. I hate that he's mobile. I'm sitting here with a plan in the meantime waiting for him to come home in 11hrs. Praying that he just goes to work, sees the parole officer and comes right home. Then we have to go to the store and buy things. It's going to be difficult. I hate paydays. :/

bunkie65

Im so sorry your living in such despair and I know the feelings that come with being consumed with your loved ones addiction. My personal hell on earth was much like yours. I was desperste to help him make him stop, support him encourage him and control or try to control something I had no power over. I went to al anon sure they could tell me what to do how to help HIM! I kept going back even after I learned they would not or could not tell me what to do to make my life with him better and what I could do for him. I quickly learned it was not about him as much as it was about ME!

I had to look at me! What was going on in my life. I had to learn about addiction and codependency! These things were stoping me from living my life. I had so many behaviors and destorted thinking that left me with no peace and serenity, until being inthose rooms I did not even know what serenity was. I spent a couple of years working honestly on me praying for the courage to change the things I can. And it was me. And I had to accept what I could not change and that was him. And needed to figure out what the differences were.

Those choices I made changed my life. It did not change his. He still uses and we are not together. I still love him dearly and pray he chooses recovery on day. My life does not stop and my happiness and peace are not based upon him and if he uses or not. Yes its sad and painful to not be with the man I love and the father of my kids but for me I could not live with his choice to continue living in active addiction.

After I left some 5 years later he had lost everything including catching our house on fire. He told he he was thankful I left cause he would not of gone through what he did if I stayed. He has ntried to get his life back together but still uses and thinks he is got control of it and can use a little bit and he will be just fine. It makes him a different person. Unstable, untrustworthy, risky, moody, and a million other negative side effects because of his using. And when he has money..... he uses more. From what I've learned it will get worse. He could die as a result of his using. I don't know the out comes for him or me. I do know that in have to take care of me and trust my higher power/God will take care of him and me. I have a choice to live in the madness and choas or focus on me and my well being. I choose me! To keep working on me with the help of al anon and the 12 steps and my higher powers guidance, one daynat a time.

I encourage you to go to a meeting and give it a try. It worked for me and my life is so much better with the tools I got from the program. Im not perfect and have a life long commitment to making my life better, healither mentally, spiritually and emotionally. Im a happier more peaceful person because of the changes I made with Gods help in me. Its healing and freeing to let go and let god!

Prayers for you and him. Ttake care of you sweetie and let God guide you however that is.

DejaVu2

Thanks. It's difficult and really seems to drag me down but I've started to focus on this aspect...

I'm going to live my life. Doing me for me. The most I can do is control the finances. Which I know wont stop him if he really wants the drug; he will find a way. But in the mean time. I am living my life the way I want to live it. He is free to do what he wants... if that means leave and do the drugs. Fine. Have fun. I can't sit and wait with worry to find out. If he is going to be good... great. Makes me happiest as I can be when he's doing straight. I am trying not to let it affect me so much. So far like I said it's beentwo weeks.
He's doing good and I am here when and if he needs me but I am not going to pressure him into something or make him live the way I want him to live. I can be here for him in other ways. Ways that don't make me insane.
I just don't know where my walk away point is yet. I hope I never find out.

crazybabie

If he really wants to quit he may need some type program 2 years clean because of prison gives him no tools to use on staying clean my son is in prison and had to do a drug program he said it was a joke well I guess it was to him he will be released in 6 months and I figure the first thing he will do is use.

DejaVu2

Yeah they had drug programs where my husband was too. He also implied they were a 'joke' but I don't think he will try treatment. He's to ... negative on them. He's been forced through many of them and refused to get anything from it. Now that he wants to quit he still doesn't think it will do any good because it didn't when he went before. Idk.
Just trying to do right but I don't seem to know what right is in this situation.

hello-kitty

Instead of trying to do the right thing. Do the WISE thing. Consider everything that you know to be TRUE right now at this moment, and make the wisest choice you can make to take care of yourself and provide yourself with the best, most stable, happy future.