Feeling sad
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 237
Feeling sad
I posted not long ago about being hurt and angry but I seemed to have gone back five steps and stuck at sad again. And feeling guilty. Sorry if this rambles.
We've had a few messages go back and forth when he's asked me how I was and I ignored it. Then last night I felt panicked that I'd been thoughtless by not replying, that I was being rude and not treating him how I wanted to treat him after our relationship of nearly six years.
I'd been so anxious to end things amicably back in June which we had pretty much managed until after he moved out and his drinking got worse. He ended up having a car accident in the car that is registered to me but that he paid for (I had agreed he could keep for work as although I'd taken out the loan at the time as my credit was better, he'd paid all the loan payments and related costs).
At the time, I was trying to be fair but as soon as he had the accident, and he was arrested for a DUI related incident, I wised up and realised I needed to look after myself. I took the car back (my only asset against the loan) but I can't sell it as no one will buy it so i'm stuck with paying off the rest of the loan which is a few grand. He has apologised for what's happened, but not taken responsibilty.
I notice people here on the forum going through feeling a similar way, sad about the end of the relationship, struggling with no contact, but they talk about what their X has done or said which in many cases can be nasty, vindictive or worse. I feel in many ways thankful that I've not had to experience that but I feel like if my X was more aggressive, defensive, I'd have more reasons to list down, more evidence to remind me why we're not together. He's still selfish and has saddled me with debt so i'm not looking at him through rose tinted glasses but I also think it's making it harder for me to detach and let my X go. Does that make sense? I feel indulgent for saying it when so many people here have gone through such awful things, that I am relieved I haven't had to experience.
Anyway, his post is still coming to me despite him saying he's let banks etc. know his new address. In the first few weeks after our split, I was polite about it, and he got a redirection sorted. That ended recently and I've since become p1ssed off and told him he needs to sort it out. He replied to apologise, say he's sorry for inconvenience and he has told them repeatedly and will try again. He asked about me, about my operation and i ignored the hook.
When the last post came in this week, I thought I'd appeal to the side of him that always claims he never wanted to hurt me. I told him that this wasn't just about inconvenience, it was making a difficult situation harder for me. He replied and said he didn't want to make things harder and he would go in to the banks to complain and sort. And then he said 'i hope life is getting better for you'.
What I want to do is reply and tell him i didn't want things to end, he made a choice and I'm heartbroken it was not me. I want to tell him I thought I'd spend the rest of my life with him, have a family, and grow old together so, no, i'm not really ok life isn't getting better but he's not prepared to do what I need for it to be better for both of us and that's really really hard.
i know I shoudl'nt have opened up contact with him about the post as it opened a wound and I should know better - more contact brings more pain. I know I will be ok, but I just seem to be stuck. He's been perfectly civil and polite, and affectionate even in messages, and I need to remind myself that he's still the selfish guy he was, even if it's wrapped up in a nice message. It then makes me feel bad and wonder if I did enough to help him when he wasn't drinking. He gave up drinking for six months before a relapse. I was angry and held back from him throughout as I was so burned from the year before that I didn't want to let my guard down. He's never been a big manipulator, either, so i don't think i'm being 'played'. He just wanted to drink and he isn't prepared to stop that for me. Why isn't that enough to make me move on?
I don't know where this ramble is going! I just needed to vent it but I think i know my answer is NC. Sorry if anyone has previously posted reply to me and I don't appear to be listening! I am learning, slowly. Thanks for reading.
We've had a few messages go back and forth when he's asked me how I was and I ignored it. Then last night I felt panicked that I'd been thoughtless by not replying, that I was being rude and not treating him how I wanted to treat him after our relationship of nearly six years.
I'd been so anxious to end things amicably back in June which we had pretty much managed until after he moved out and his drinking got worse. He ended up having a car accident in the car that is registered to me but that he paid for (I had agreed he could keep for work as although I'd taken out the loan at the time as my credit was better, he'd paid all the loan payments and related costs).
At the time, I was trying to be fair but as soon as he had the accident, and he was arrested for a DUI related incident, I wised up and realised I needed to look after myself. I took the car back (my only asset against the loan) but I can't sell it as no one will buy it so i'm stuck with paying off the rest of the loan which is a few grand. He has apologised for what's happened, but not taken responsibilty.
I notice people here on the forum going through feeling a similar way, sad about the end of the relationship, struggling with no contact, but they talk about what their X has done or said which in many cases can be nasty, vindictive or worse. I feel in many ways thankful that I've not had to experience that but I feel like if my X was more aggressive, defensive, I'd have more reasons to list down, more evidence to remind me why we're not together. He's still selfish and has saddled me with debt so i'm not looking at him through rose tinted glasses but I also think it's making it harder for me to detach and let my X go. Does that make sense? I feel indulgent for saying it when so many people here have gone through such awful things, that I am relieved I haven't had to experience.
Anyway, his post is still coming to me despite him saying he's let banks etc. know his new address. In the first few weeks after our split, I was polite about it, and he got a redirection sorted. That ended recently and I've since become p1ssed off and told him he needs to sort it out. He replied to apologise, say he's sorry for inconvenience and he has told them repeatedly and will try again. He asked about me, about my operation and i ignored the hook.
When the last post came in this week, I thought I'd appeal to the side of him that always claims he never wanted to hurt me. I told him that this wasn't just about inconvenience, it was making a difficult situation harder for me. He replied and said he didn't want to make things harder and he would go in to the banks to complain and sort. And then he said 'i hope life is getting better for you'.
What I want to do is reply and tell him i didn't want things to end, he made a choice and I'm heartbroken it was not me. I want to tell him I thought I'd spend the rest of my life with him, have a family, and grow old together so, no, i'm not really ok life isn't getting better but he's not prepared to do what I need for it to be better for both of us and that's really really hard.
i know I shoudl'nt have opened up contact with him about the post as it opened a wound and I should know better - more contact brings more pain. I know I will be ok, but I just seem to be stuck. He's been perfectly civil and polite, and affectionate even in messages, and I need to remind myself that he's still the selfish guy he was, even if it's wrapped up in a nice message. It then makes me feel bad and wonder if I did enough to help him when he wasn't drinking. He gave up drinking for six months before a relapse. I was angry and held back from him throughout as I was so burned from the year before that I didn't want to let my guard down. He's never been a big manipulator, either, so i don't think i'm being 'played'. He just wanted to drink and he isn't prepared to stop that for me. Why isn't that enough to make me move on?
I don't know where this ramble is going! I just needed to vent it but I think i know my answer is NC. Sorry if anyone has previously posted reply to me and I don't appear to be listening! I am learning, slowly. Thanks for reading.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Canada
Posts: 230
Errors do occur both with the postal system and the banks, but maybe he is using the mail to continue contact. Seldomly do you have to tell a bank more than once where to send your mail, plus even with the redirect, he should have noticed the wrong address. I agree with lillamy, just put RTS (return to sender) and it won't be long before he puts in another redirect or changes his address.
As far as the rest goes, I know it is painful, I am struggling myself. I deeply love my STBXAH, but I am slowly coming to the realization that this "new him" is not someone I want to be around or want our children to be around.
Struggling with no contact is excruciating for me. I have went from talking to him several times a day to maybe once a week. I know that NC is best for my sanity (and probably yours too!) but I get feeling sentimental or think he actually has a concern regarding the kids and before long he has made a segue into something else and I end up feeling miserable when I get off the phone with him.
Take care and be strong....
Sending you good vibes.
As far as the rest goes, I know it is painful, I am struggling myself. I deeply love my STBXAH, but I am slowly coming to the realization that this "new him" is not someone I want to be around or want our children to be around.
Struggling with no contact is excruciating for me. I have went from talking to him several times a day to maybe once a week. I know that NC is best for my sanity (and probably yours too!) but I get feeling sentimental or think he actually has a concern regarding the kids and before long he has made a segue into something else and I end up feeling miserable when I get off the phone with him.
Take care and be strong....
Sending you good vibes.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 11
heartbroken too
Originally Posted by Anon12 
What I want to do is reply and tell him i didn't want things to end, he made a choice and I'm heartbroken it was not me. I want to tell him I thought I'd spend the rest of my life with him, have a family, and grow old together so, no, i'm not really ok life isn't getting better
Oh and I agree with others that you should put his post back in the mail with return to sender on the outside. I have been doing this with all the political mail I have been getting over the last few months
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