SavingSelf

Considering I recently had 7 weeks (and then 2 weeks and then 6 days), I don't feel too proud of 5 days. But I have to keep remembering where I was a few months ago when I couldn't or wouldn't go more than a day without.

I have been saying to myself that I am an alcoholic everyday these past 5 days. Not "I am a problem drinker". Not "next time I will control it better and FINALLY do great at moderation". No more lies from my addictive voice.

My pattern over the years is to drink too much, have some event or issue pop up and resolve to change. And then stop completely for a time until I decide I have proven I can "not drink", and then drink again. After 7 weeks this time it was a wedding. Not planning (at least not that I was conscious of) to drink, one huge mistake I made was when we got to the happy hour-- I didn't eat (trying to fit into my dress, I said). I am sure my blood sugar was low and my anxiety was HIGH. And then by the end of happy hour I had my glass of wine.

After that night, I was so "proud" because I didn't immediately fall into my old ways. But then 2 weeks later, a night of excess by myself watching TV. And then 6 days later of convincing myself I would only drink socially (like at the wedding), another binge night, all by myself . Once my flip is switched to drinking mode, any plans of moderation will eventually go out the window.

This time I am posting here. I am also seeing my therapist (who doesn't know about the 5 days ago slip but won't be surprised tomorrow when I tell her). No alcohol in the house anymore.

I do want to go to AA and am still fearing that. I also have huge issues with being able to leave my sick/special needs child. I won't be able to get to meetings everyday but would love to find a home group to check in with 1 or 2 times a week who won't mind my agnostic ways.

Thanks all for being here.

freshstart57

Understanding, identifying and separating from those thoughts that lead back to drinking again, or of doubt in your ability to get sober, is a great way to start, SavingSelf. Believe that you can do this, and you will. Keep posting, OK?

Elisabeth888

Taking one drink is like flicking a switch on me too. It just takes one......then you have another, that day or on a different day.

You should be proud of 5 days, congratulations!

You are posting on SR and making the steps, that is what is important.

Grace2

5 days is good SavingSelf, so is realising at last that there is no such thing as moderation for the likes of you and I. I've tried many, many times, only drinking at weekend, only drinking at social events, only drinking after 21:00. doesn't work, One is one too many for me, I can't rest then unless I've drunk the whole bottle ( wine in my case) or three!

I hope you manage to find a local AA that suits your needs, I'm sure they understand that people have children etc and that it's not always easy to leave them.

You can do this, if I can, you can. Keep reading, get all the support you can, speak to your doctor if neccessary and keep posting, we're all here for you.

Dmarcha

You are better than me. Day one and the shakes are beyond me. But I am going to do this! Thanks for your post

MIRecovery

congrats on 5 days and not giving up

I tried for 25 years to drink like other people. Never worked. AA saved my life and returned my life to me.

HollyMc

Dear All,

After several years now of trying to get sober, I slipped last week. I get this insane idea that I can hang out with the "beautiful people" in the "beautiful town" - Michigan's 90210 and there you have it. I went to meet up with a girlfriend who is a fellow practicing alcoholic for lunch - and while we met at Starbucks, our inner alcoholics wanted to relive the "old" days and off we went to Andiamo's for lunch. That used to be like our simple cafe - where we always went...a million glasses of wine later, I'm here, hating myself and wanting it all at the same time. My husband has barely spoken to me - usually he's very enraged...but now, I don't care - I'm just getting through day to day - very sadly, however...feeling blue, not very hopeful...and wondering why the heck GOD just doesn't help me with this!!! I pray and pray and pray. I am currently taking a bible study course at the local seminary and working and praying...nothing. I still have the wants - not physical urges, but mental ones...the more I abstain, of course, the less they bother me...the more I partake, the more I want to.

I miss it. I miss what I assumed to be the "fun" part of it. PLAY THAT TAPE THRU...THE DUIs, THE FALL DOWN GO BOOMS, THE HUMILIATIONS WITH THINGS I THOUGHT WERE FUNNY...AND THE DRINKING ALONE TRYING TO ACHIEVE THAT FEELING OF "IT'S ALL OKAY...EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OKAY"

I don't know if I make any sense, but there you have it.

sucks.

IndaMiricale

Agnostic full time AA member here.

Dont be scared just walk in , I swear you will be ever so surprised how nice everyone is , and how well you will fit right in..