yadayada

i just passed a major milestone by passing the bar exam. i found out and came home and found A mom drunk upstairs. she left me some chocolates. she tells me she cares, but actions speak louder than words.

anyway... i felt happy for about 12 seconds. i have cried tears of joy upon learning about friends' passing exams, getting married, having children, etc. but when it happens to me, i always discount it.

is this an ACOA thing or just a depressed person thing? sometimes i can't figure out where the line is.

ETA: i mean, at this point i knew that my mom's reaction would be like that, but why can't i celebrate my success with or without her? i honestly don't care much what she thinks.

Jody675

Yada
isnt it funny that even though you knew what reaction you were about to walk into you still were disappointed to find out you were correct. which means that you still hoped that you were wrong, and hence the disappointment.

your mum is doing the best she can with what she has. which i know sounds like a cop out and giving her a get out of jail free card, but what in believing in that statement, it releases you from the hurt. you cant change your mum, but you can accept the situation you find yourself in. when you need support, then go to the people that you know will actually be there for you and give you what you need. it wont be your mum.

my mum wasnt an addict, but she was abused as a child. she lived in a abusive relationship with my dad, which she eventually left. she loved me and my sisters, but she wasnt able to express it. i lived a life without boundaries, love, or a place i could go to get advise from. her father abused me and my sister. she knew he liked little girls, but she still left us in his care. my mum did the best she could, with what she had. she died almost 9 years ago to the day from breast cancer. knowing that one sentence helped me not feel anger towards her for all the pain i felt growing up, but compassion for someone who lived a very difficult life. its no excuse, but you cant change the past, you can only change your future.

i hope that helps. congratulations btw for an amazing feat. you should be very proud of yourself. i bet your mum is very proud. even though she may never tell you. i never heard my mum say i love you, but i know she did.

Chris1000101

It could be both but I’m leaning more towards an ACoA trait. I’m not thrilled with enjoying my own success today but I’m not sabotaging myself like I use to. I feel part of it is growing up where nothing was ever good enough.

tromboneliness

It's both -- but certainly an ACOA thing.

When I went through the ACA Workbook with my sponsor, one of the large-scale patterns he observed was, "You have a pattern of (a) abandoning your own success, and (b) thinking that whatever you do doesn't count -- you don't count, your accomplishments don't count... nothing you do counts, as far as you're concerned."

Since he made these observations, I've been keeping an eye on myself -- and I'll be d*mned, I do have a tendency to... as soon as I achieve a success, I tend to want to abandon it and go do something else instead. I keep catching myself at it, and saying, there you go, trying to abandon success again -- don't do that, stick with it this time!

I'm lousy at celebrating my own success, too. This is not spelled out in the Laundry List, but it might as well be!

T

dbh

Dear Yadayada:

I just want to say congratulations on passing the bar exam!!!!!!

It is a significant accomplishment and something to be proud of achieving.

I too often discount my accomplishments. I think it's an ACA thing. In my head, the voice of a critical parent starts telling me to "not get a big head" or "if you were really that great you would do X too". This is not my voice, but a voice that I unfortunately heard too often as a child. I would never actually say something like that to another human being, but will to myself. Ugh.

In my own ACA work I sometimes find it useful for the adult me (loving parent) to take care of the child me. I try to treat myself as I wish my parents would treat me or as I would treat my own children.

Getting my nails done, buying a small gift, or even treating myself to a movie helps my inner child feel like she's important.

Still something I'm working on.

db

EveningRose

I was just thinking about this this morning, how bit by bit, the anger at the injustice is fading for me. In recent months, thanks to someone who has put a great deal of kindness into my life, I have been better able to see how miserably my AF has treated my mother all these years, to see the ugly circumstances in which AF grew up that have left him scarred.

It's not an excuse (after all, I've dealt with my garbage they put in my life, and continue to). BUT...maybe some people are weaker and less able to look at these things? Maybe being in a different generation with less access to books, forums, al-anon, AA, etc. left them with fewer resources?

It's beside the point. I'm no longer willing to put up with the ugly things they believe of me and spew at me; no longer willing to put up with being the family scapegoat who's routinely told by parents and siblings how to better my screwed-up self. But I have compassion for my parents, my mother in particular. I see clearly how broken my AF's abuse has left her. I pray sincerely that she will have a few years, at least, before she dies, of someone putting love and kindness into her life, of someone valuing her as she should have been valued by her husband 50 years ago.


I struggle with this. I believe that some APs do love their children in whatever way they're capable. Maybe someday, as I continue to progress along this path, I'll see and understand that my parents love me in whatever broken way they're able. But right now, today, I don't believe that my mother is much capable of that love. I think she largely washed her hands of me and my older sibling years ago and poured all her love into the younger two.

But I've come to the point where it matters less and less. If she isn't capable, she isn't.

EveningRose

And I forgot to address the main question!

I, too, struggle to celebrate my own success, or even see it as success. I started a second business which has done very well. I've posted about it here before, how a former friend has decided to vent her anger at me by attacking my business online. These attacks are all I can see, not all the love being poured out in great reviews. I have done far better than many people who go into this business, yet I can only see all the people who have done far better than me.

It's a real struggle. So far, self talk is not helping. I'm thinking of going back to counseling over it.

Is it ACOA or depression-related? I have no idea. I would think ACOAs are more prone to depression anyway. I know that growing up, I was always being told what a difficult kid I was, being reprimanded, corrected, etc. and only now looking back, do I see how insane that was, considering I was always in the honor society, lived as straight and narrow as it's possible to live, never gave my teachers any trouble, was involved and successful in extra-curricular activities.

So, yes, I think that background has definitely affected my ability (haha, what a ridiculous use of the word!) to give myself credit for any accomplishment or success.

And it's probably circular, too. My difficulty in giving myself any credit, ever, probably makes it more likely for me to slide into depression.

BTW, I've been using scullcap, which can be found at natural health stores, on the advice of a friend. (The counselor told me I'm all better and the doctor told me I'm not depressed enough to get help!!!) For me, it does seem to change my outlook entirely after a day or two on it. St. John's Wort is also recommended for depression, although for me it just made me itchy.

Mracoa

I 2nd the congrats on passing your bar! Good work!

I think the issue of celebrating success is tied to characteristic five "5. Adult children of alcoholics have difficulty having fun."

Celebrating would be having fun. But it's still disappointing when others don't recognize us for our achievements. So, it feeds the victim in us quite nicely. We don't make a big deal out of it, and our dysfunctional families are self centered, so, they will only recognize it in ways that they take credit for.

My suggestion, celebrate it yourself. Buy yourself a congradulations card, and sign it to yourself from your innner child and self parent.

Jody675

yes evening it does feel like we got a bit ripped off. my parents werent addicts of any type, but i look back and dont have a lot of good memories of my childhood. i dont think anyone should have to put up with someone putting them down, more so when its a family member, but with family i guess, particularly parents, then you are kind of stuck with them, so learning to deal with them in a compassionate way, while protecting yourself, is important.

Yada have you thought about getting some counselling? you deserve happiness, but sometimes its the cycle you are in that tells you that you are not worthy of it, that stops you. and by visiting your mum when you know that she is not going to reward you with the praise and support that you deserve for your amazing accomplishment, you are validating your belief that your success is worthless. dont do what i did and waste your life living in this negative and unhappy cycle. im now in my early 40s and only been really learning to enjoy my life, and be proud of myself, in the last few years. i work in an environment of negativity, where your successes are ignored and your mistakes jumped on, and i still can find a source of fun and enjoyment when i go. i have just learned to ignore most of it and create my own reward system with my friends. it does get to me time to time, but overall, i have learnt not to give it any attention or energy.

so did you go and celebrate?