Not too sure what's going on.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 8
Not too sure what's going on.
I'm afraid to write anything, because I have read so many conversations about how "The Newcomers" say the same things and always enter these forums wanting positive responses.
I honestly don't know why I am here on this web site. It started because I was looking for information about drug addiction and the affects it has on family/friends etc. As many others do/did, I found many stories that sound identical to the situation I am going through, and they seemed to all end the same way.
I do not believe I am obsessed with hope, nor do I think everything will turn out perfectly. I don't think people can just change and forget the past, or that rehab will fix everything in one shot. But I have to say that I do believe I have to have faith in the system and in the person I know going through recovery. Im hesistant to even write that, but I suppose I have to start somewhere......
My boyfriend has just started in an inpatient treatment center after his family held an intervention pleading he get help. It went very smoothly and he willing admitted him that night. His family might be the most important thing in his life. Before I met him he went through a 5 day detox treatment over a year ago, and now here we are today. So he has techincally never done intense rehab before. He has an amazing support system in his family and in me, and he says he really wants to get through this. He says he is doing it first for himself, and second for him and I. For our future.That's why I have faith in him for when he gets out, but I'm not counting out that relapse is an option. So many forums say to get out now and detach from love, and it's not abandonment if I walk away, but if I can't stick with him now then what is the point of a committed relationship?
At the moment, what eats me up inside is that all of this is completely hidden from my family. If they knew what was going on my life would be miserable. I feel a bit alone while he is away, because I have no one to confide in and I feel I am constantly detouring conversation about him to avoid lies. I guess that's a red flag, but that's more about my family that it is about him.
I don't even know if I have a specific question to ask or advice I am looking for. I am brand new to any/all of this and just feel lost in general. I hope this community will give me some insite.
Thanks for reading, sharing, and not judging.
I honestly don't know why I am here on this web site. It started because I was looking for information about drug addiction and the affects it has on family/friends etc. As many others do/did, I found many stories that sound identical to the situation I am going through, and they seemed to all end the same way.
I do not believe I am obsessed with hope, nor do I think everything will turn out perfectly. I don't think people can just change and forget the past, or that rehab will fix everything in one shot. But I have to say that I do believe I have to have faith in the system and in the person I know going through recovery. Im hesistant to even write that, but I suppose I have to start somewhere......
My boyfriend has just started in an inpatient treatment center after his family held an intervention pleading he get help. It went very smoothly and he willing admitted him that night. His family might be the most important thing in his life. Before I met him he went through a 5 day detox treatment over a year ago, and now here we are today. So he has techincally never done intense rehab before. He has an amazing support system in his family and in me, and he says he really wants to get through this. He says he is doing it first for himself, and second for him and I. For our future.That's why I have faith in him for when he gets out, but I'm not counting out that relapse is an option. So many forums say to get out now and detach from love, and it's not abandonment if I walk away, but if I can't stick with him now then what is the point of a committed relationship?
At the moment, what eats me up inside is that all of this is completely hidden from my family. If they knew what was going on my life would be miserable. I feel a bit alone while he is away, because I have no one to confide in and I feel I am constantly detouring conversation about him to avoid lies. I guess that's a red flag, but that's more about my family that it is about him.
I don't even know if I have a specific question to ask or advice I am looking for. I am brand new to any/all of this and just feel lost in general. I hope this community will give me some insite.
Thanks for reading, sharing, and not judging.
Sober since October
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: In the world in my eyes...Somewhere I've never been before...
Posts: 7,355
Hi, PAVM. Welcome to SR.
People here share their thoughts, and, of course of our worries, even being different, are about the same - addiction. It's Ok, And for sure, all of us are looking for positive support (I do not know anyone anywhere who are looking for negative attitude).
We are not judging, but supporting each other and share useful information.
You may check the thread for friends and family for more information also
Friends and Family of Substance Abusers - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Take care and keep posting)
People here share their thoughts, and, of course of our worries, even being different, are about the same - addiction. It's Ok, And for sure, all of us are looking for positive support (I do not know anyone anywhere who are looking for negative attitude).
We are not judging, but supporting each other and share useful information.
You may check the thread for friends and family for more information also
Friends and Family of Substance Abusers - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Take care and keep posting)
Last edited by Dee74; 10-30-2012 at 09:01 PM. Reason: fixed link
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,416
Hi pavm - welcome
I can't really speak with authority about other forums.
I think tho if you find most respondees advise you to detach that's simply borne of their experience.
I think detaching can save & protect a lot of lives.
On the addict side, I know I needed to hit bottom and I needed to pull myself up.
I'm not sure I could, or would, have done that had I someone to bail me out.
Likewise I'd have wanted my loved ones to protect themselves from the black hole of chaos my addictive life had become, by having healthy strong boundaries.
but in the end all anyone can do here is share our experience - what you do with that, or do with your relationship and your boyfriend, is your call, not ours
There are success stories of couples who weathered the storm and stayed together...they're a minority I think, but they do exist.
Maybe you'll be one of those - I don't know...but I wish you the best whatever you decide.
D
I can't really speak with authority about other forums.
I think tho if you find most respondees advise you to detach that's simply borne of their experience.
I think detaching can save & protect a lot of lives.
On the addict side, I know I needed to hit bottom and I needed to pull myself up.
I'm not sure I could, or would, have done that had I someone to bail me out.
Likewise I'd have wanted my loved ones to protect themselves from the black hole of chaos my addictive life had become, by having healthy strong boundaries.
but in the end all anyone can do here is share our experience - what you do with that, or do with your relationship and your boyfriend, is your call, not ours
There are success stories of couples who weathered the storm and stayed together...they're a minority I think, but they do exist.
Maybe you'll be one of those - I don't know...but I wish you the best whatever you decide.
D
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Merseyside UK
Posts: 6
It is hard to be with an addict. When they are using you have to deal with all of the stuff that comes with it and when they are getting clean you wonder if they are up to this and that are they going to relapse and use etc.
All I do know is that you have no control whatsoever over it, if he is committed to staying clean he will, if he wants to use he will, there will be no guarantees.
He is trying for now which is positive. Hope it all works out for you.
All I do know is that you have no control whatsoever over it, if he is committed to staying clean he will, if he wants to use he will, there will be no guarantees.
He is trying for now which is positive. Hope it all works out for you.
Clear Eyes Full Heart
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,272
I'm not sure where you're reading all these conversations about Newcomers wanting positive advice and saying the same things. I haven't found that here on SR...
Many of the stories are very similar-it's just the nature of the beast. It's comforting to many that they are similar, it shows you're not alone in the battle.
Wanting positive advice is pretty common anywhere I would think.
It does sound like a big red flag that you have to lie to your family to be with this person. Your family may be seeing him through more clear eyes than you are, just a possibility...It sounds like your family is important to you and it's upsetting you.
We don't know how old you are, how long you've been with this guy, how old he is, etc. so it's hard to give any kind of advice. Do you drink or do drugs? Are you willing to quit to support him if he's successful in rehab? If not, it may be hard for him to be with someone using if he can't. Are you willing to be honest with your family? I can't imagine it will ever work out if you can't. Tough questions, tough situation. I do believe you can support him through this and there are some happy endings for people in that situation.
My main concern would be that it took an intervention to get him there. It wasn't really his choice to quit so it may not stick very well. It could go the other way too though and it could be the best thing that ever happened to him. Hope so!
Many of the stories are very similar-it's just the nature of the beast. It's comforting to many that they are similar, it shows you're not alone in the battle.
Wanting positive advice is pretty common anywhere I would think.
It does sound like a big red flag that you have to lie to your family to be with this person. Your family may be seeing him through more clear eyes than you are, just a possibility...It sounds like your family is important to you and it's upsetting you.
We don't know how old you are, how long you've been with this guy, how old he is, etc. so it's hard to give any kind of advice. Do you drink or do drugs? Are you willing to quit to support him if he's successful in rehab? If not, it may be hard for him to be with someone using if he can't. Are you willing to be honest with your family? I can't imagine it will ever work out if you can't. Tough questions, tough situation. I do believe you can support him through this and there are some happy endings for people in that situation.
My main concern would be that it took an intervention to get him there. It wasn't really his choice to quit so it may not stick very well. It could go the other way too though and it could be the best thing that ever happened to him. Hope so!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 8
I am 23, my boyfriend is 28, we have been together for 1 year so it's still new, but I am invested in the relationship at this point. I do not drink or do drugs, never have. I feel like I could tell my family if his experience in treatment sticks. If I say anything now while he is trying to recover then I feel they may be blinded by scarey words rather than remember the man they've come to know and love. But even as I write that, I realize how ridiculous that sounds.
He wasn't forced into rehab. His family simply sat him down and expressed their concerns and gave no ultimatums. After hearing us so worried he basically called the treatment center himself. What was keeping him from getting help was how it would look to others that he needed outside help and he couldn't do it on his own. He said once he was admitted he realized he was right where he needed to be.
Maybe what he is saying right now are just words that I am getting caught up in or maybe they are the truth of the situation. I guess I really will never know. I don't want to mix up support with distorted reality, but I don't know what that looks like if that's what it turns into.
He wasn't forced into rehab. His family simply sat him down and expressed their concerns and gave no ultimatums. After hearing us so worried he basically called the treatment center himself. What was keeping him from getting help was how it would look to others that he needed outside help and he couldn't do it on his own. He said once he was admitted he realized he was right where he needed to be.
Maybe what he is saying right now are just words that I am getting caught up in or maybe they are the truth of the situation. I guess I really will never know. I don't want to mix up support with distorted reality, but I don't know what that looks like if that's what it turns into.
Grateful to be free
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Arizona
Posts: 3,680
I was married while in active addiction. In recovery I started dating a recovering alcoholic, who has since relapsed. So I now have perspective from both sides.
What IS the point of being in a commited relationship? Well, this is how I see it now. It wasn't my spouse leaving me, I had left him, already. Abandoned him for booze and drugs. And my boyfriend is doing the same thing to me. Commitment runs both ways.
My boyfriend doesn't answer calls, calls me drunk, says one thing one day and another thing the next...so who left who?
Stay if you want to, but if you feel guilty that you should stay, take a close look at the way things happened. If he is in recovery and working it out, and not abusive or neglectful, then staying doesn't seem illogical to me. If those things are not the case, I would join those who say "walk away". Believe me I know how hard it is. I am in the process myself.
What IS the point of being in a commited relationship? Well, this is how I see it now. It wasn't my spouse leaving me, I had left him, already. Abandoned him for booze and drugs. And my boyfriend is doing the same thing to me. Commitment runs both ways.
My boyfriend doesn't answer calls, calls me drunk, says one thing one day and another thing the next...so who left who?
Stay if you want to, but if you feel guilty that you should stay, take a close look at the way things happened. If he is in recovery and working it out, and not abusive or neglectful, then staying doesn't seem illogical to me. If those things are not the case, I would join those who say "walk away". Believe me I know how hard it is. I am in the process myself.
Self recovered Self discovered
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Toronto Canada
Posts: 5,148
Hi, pavm, that is a thought provoking situation you described. A significant other (what a term that is) who is addicted, and struggling with their journey into sobriety. What exactly is your part in this?
I had this discussion with another ex addict recently and we discussed the prevailing wisdom here: once an addict, always an addict; cut your losses and run; good money after bad, and so on.
We both of us are securely sober now, and would not be living our lives now without the steadfast support and love from our lifetime partners. Even though we took responsibility finally for our own situations and did the work ourselves, that belief they placed in us was an essential part of the final solution.
I hope that your situation works out for the best with you and your SO, pavm. Thank you for your post.
I had this discussion with another ex addict recently and we discussed the prevailing wisdom here: once an addict, always an addict; cut your losses and run; good money after bad, and so on.
We both of us are securely sober now, and would not be living our lives now without the steadfast support and love from our lifetime partners. Even though we took responsibility finally for our own situations and did the work ourselves, that belief they placed in us was an essential part of the final solution.
I hope that your situation works out for the best with you and your SO, pavm. Thank you for your post.
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