Momamy3

Hi, I am new here. I am in my mid-30s, have a 6 year old dd, an 8 month old dd, and a son who died in 2002 at 7 1/2 months. My husband has been fighting depression for years. He was diagnosed bipolar, but really, I can't tell the difference between his bipolar and the addiction cycle. He is usually depressed, and his "manic" phase consists of the addiction and self-destructive tendencies.

Throughout my 9 years of marriage, my husband has gone from one addiction to another (computer games, internet porn,etc.). In the last 6 months, he has started alcohol (his depression has been worse since our son's death). He was hospitalized with depression before Christmas and started dealing with the alcoholic issue then. After being hospitalized, he decided not to go to the AA meetings because he really only abused alcohol because he was depressed, and he was feeling better. He did stop drinking for a couple of months and then started again "when the medicine stopped working" again. He was hiding it from me because he knows that I have said that there will be no more drinking at all.

We have been separated because of his addictions twice before, and both times he started making steps in the right direction. He just stopped shy of completing the process...like he started to think that he could do it on his own and backslid into something else. I hope the counselor can help us stay on course this time.

At first he agrees that if he drinks again, I get his truck and he gets my car. Of course, then he balks when I actually try that, and then starts getting engaged in a stupid power struggle about it so I did give in and gave him the truck back, deciding I would think of another consequence that made me less parental.

Well, the other day he went too far. He picked up our 8 month old daughter drunk and brought her home. Then we all rode together to church, and it was in the middle of the ride that I realized he was drunk. (I have only seen him drunk 6 times in our marriage, and all 6 have been in the last 6 months). I prayed the whole way that we would get there safely because I was scared that saying something would make his driving more erratic. He dropped us off to park, and then ended up leaving me there with the girls to go home drunk (never told me...just disappeared). Someone else had to give me a ride home, and I found him passed out on the floor. I was furious (understatement). Now this has become an issue of endangering my children, and I will not have my children live like that. Some of his guy friends from the integrity group he skipped out on (bc he was drunk) came to the house and confronted him and spoke with him for a couple of hours. They said it was a good talk.

The next day he admitted that he did not remember anything about that drive, and it was apparent he really scared himself. He also agreed to get help ASAP. We have two appointments lined up with a counselor next week.

The next day, I wrote the counselor a brief synopsis of what is going on so we can get to work on these things ASAP, and I had him read it. It was nothing we had not discussed the night before. It talked about how he jumps from one addiction to the next, his recoveries are surface (just deal with the particular addiction and not the cause), and what he decides to do in the next couple of months will make or break our marriage. Suddenly, he was mad at me all day. I guess he did not like to see that he has to get it fixed or he is out. Or maybe it is easier to be mad at me than at himself.

I have decided not to really discuss what happened again until our appointment. He knows where I stand. Does this sound like a good plan? Any other pointers from those of you who have worked through some of this?

I am just really worried because he seems to cycle in and out of denial. I have some peace because I know that no matter what, I will be fine. When he told me that I was threatening him with the divorce, I told him that it was completely his choice...if he chooses to really work on his issues, he can stay; if not, he can go. I truly hope he chooses the former. I don't want my children to live in a divorced home, and it scares me to think that if we did divorce, I would have to let my children see him every other weekend.

I just hate feeling like I have a teenager in the house. I hope he grows up...when he is out of his addictions, he is wonderful, but as soon as he slides back into compulsive behavior, he is a total pain to live with. The human side of me would have left him long ago, but I feel that God's hand is still on my husband, and if my husband decides to rebel, that will tell me what to do.

I will try to attend an Al-Anon meeting this week. I have never been to one. I wish they just had a general meeting for addictions because even if alcohol is not a problem, he will just find something else.

Amy

JT

Momamy3,

I hope you do begin to attend Al Anon. The 12 steps for us is not about them and what they happen to be doing today...it is about us and how we have been affected. The best thing you can do for your children is to get healthy yourself and that is a fine place to do it.

I loved what you said about God's hand being on your husband...it is you know. That means that you can take yours off.

Make yourself at home...this is a powerful place with alot of recovery going on.

Hugs,
JT

Gabe

Hi Amy,
Welcome, I'm glad you joined us.
It sounds like you are moving in the right direction. You are dealing with what's going on and you have a strong sense of "self-care".
This is a great place to find encouragement, support and people who understand what you're going through.
Stick around.
Peace,
Gabe

quietsins

i understand the grief there is in losing a child, that alone is overwhelming and can be hard to deal with. it is scary, realizing that your kids may be put in jeopardy. my A by time i left was fully into 9 addictions that i could count. it is part of his personality.

i wish for you peace, joy and happiness. i hope the counselor can help you both and that perhaps your A will develop healthier choices in the future. keep yourself healthy. work your program and become the best you, that you can be. for me, that was my own saving grace, and in the process, it helped my kids immensely.

let go and let god has helped me so many times, that is how i dealt with the insecurity i had about feeling i was abandoning him, i wasnt. i was letting go and letting god do what i could not.

i hope everything turns out for the best

Momamy3

this morning, and it was interesting. I was trying to figure out the format. It was like everyone just told a story. Can you ask questions? I could tell a story, but I would want to solicit advice so I did not say anything.

My A was in a completely irritable/depressed mood today. He told me that I was hurting his relationships with his friends by telling them what he did (hello? they were there so they knew firsthand??). I told him that I was not going to take responsibility for HIS relationships. Later, I took a few steps back and figured he is beating himself up over what happened. Then I came to him and said, "You know, you were not in your right mind when you did what you did. Even when you are in your right mind and are furious with me, you would not have done what you did. I know you love our daughter and would never want to harm her. This is part of the sickness we need to work on. You need to give yourself a break because your anger is not helping you or me at this point, and we need to move forward." That seemed to soften him a bit. I figure I am angry at him, but I know he is more angry at himself than I am, and it would not be a productive thing for me to express my anger at him. :wife

He later told me he was too humiliated to go to church with me tomorrow...Easter Sunday. He did not want to be a spectacle. :spectacle I told him that I wish he would reconsider, that he would raise more eyebrows by not going, but I still don't think he will. I will take the girls, but it will definitely be difficult for me as this is the time of year our son died, and Easter was his last holiday with us. I still need to keep life as normal as I can for my 6 year old.

I am so anxious for our counseling appointment on Thursday. I get the feeling he thinks it will be a bashing session so he may go there half-cocked, but I have no intention of bashing him. I want us to move forward. He knows he screwed up...we need to figure out how to stop this cycle.

Amy

quietsins

i hope the counseling helps.. open the door to healing yourself, as well as wanting to heal him. thru alanon we learn what part we played in those things that hurt us.

i hope it helps

DefofLov

Welcome Mamomy,

Here is a place filled with support and love and kindness and understanding. So many are having the same trials and tribulations as yourself. We are here to listen and understand and give you supoort.

Peace and Blessingz unto you and your family,

~Def

McKrazy

after "meeting"; you in chat last night I re-read your post and sense your amazing strength. You have endured alot. enduring even just the death of your child- that would send most of us down into the depths. I'm so sorry that on top of that you don't have the support right now that you truly need. I hope you take the time you need to grieve, reach out to those closest to you who are healthy. I will hold you up in prayer especially during this time close to his death. A dear friend lost her child and while I have no idea of the pain, I do know that it's often unbearable! you are not alone and you are on the right path. keep taking care of you, too and those wonderful daughters! blessings!

Jeff_C

There are many roads to recovery, and all of them have a great deal in common.. Any of them, if approached with that Honesty Openness and Willingness that you’ll hear referred to as the “HOW� of the “program�, will bear fruit. May not be the particular “brand� of fruit that we thought we were looking for, and it’s a pretty safe bet that we’re gonna run into a bunch of our “stuff�, our unmanageable “stuff�. Yet in the end, which only means the “latest� assessment we’ll be better off. The truth will set ya free, but there’s a likelihood it’s gonna **** ya off first.
Jeff

Momamy3

Thanks, McTired. I am actually having a very difficult day today. This was the day that we took our son to the hospital before he died (we had no idea he was going to die...he was just dehydrated). I stayed away from home all day with the girls because I was so irritated with my A. Today he is just addicted to his blasted computer game, which he is not going to admit is a problem. I am tired of pretending we are a family right now. I may disappear all day tomorrow, too. I wish I didn't have to worry about the girls because then I could spend the night somewhere or something. Of course, I am sure he loves it when we disappear so he can play his computer game even longer.

I really hope that he does not have to have a trauma to get his life together. I know we may have to kick him out, and I am prepared to do that, but I really wish he would get his stuff together. Tomorrow is counseling...I need to just trust God and the counselor.

The problem is I am impatient. I want him to get it together or leave...don't really care to go through a PROCESS!

Jeff_C

Hmmmmm. I doubt that any of us got here "looking for a process" when we believed that it really was "all about 'him' and what he did. Of course it isn't, but even that we had to learn. As far as impatience goes the only thing I can tell ya is,"Patience makes lighter, what sorrow may not heal." A pretty good investment, I'd say.
Jeff