Thlayli

I thought I was doing better but I guess it's easy to do better when there are no challenges.

I woke up to go to work last Tuesday and DH was nowhere to be found. I didn't know he'd even gone out and it had been a year since his last binge. He stumbled home around 9 am having p****d himself and reeking of whiskey. We talked a little bit about it the past few days. He remembers having a beer at home and then deciding he wanted another one so he walked to the bar down the street. He ran into an old friend there and that's pretty much all he remembers.

Today I went out after work with some of my coworkers because one of them is leaving for another job next week. He had his running group. They meet at a bar afterwards. Not my favorite thing but he's been running for 6 or 7 months now. He's lost weight and seems less stressed so I figure having friends that run, even if they drink sometimes, would be a good thing. He'd mentioned me joining in before but I'm not as serious about running and I'd be afraid they leave me in the dust.

Here's where I screw up...or not...I don't know. I'm driving home and I think "why not stop by the bar?" It's freezing so I can give him a ride home if he wants. If not, it will be a chance for me to say "hello" and meet some of these people in the group that he enjoys. He. Was. Angry. They were having more of a private Halloween party-just their group-than I expected. I smiled and apologized to the group. They we're very friendly. He grabbed his stuff and hurried us both out of the bar. I told him I hadn't realized it was a party for just the group and told him he could stay but he was already mad and insisted we leave since I hunted him down.

I thought I had been doing so well. I'd gone to conferences without calling and checking on him constantly...and I wasn't white-knuckling it...I just trusted. I didn't go looking for him the other morning even though I knew where he'd crashed. Pat of me believed I really did go there to meet these new friends but I guess part of me was checking up too. Anyway...he's furious and I'm finding myself begging for forgiveness...again. I was wrong this time but I know I'm taking more of the blame than I need to. This SUCKS!

Tuffgirl

We all make mistakes. I am not sure I'd even call this one a mistake as much as maybe a simple lapse in good judgment. It happens.

What I don't understand is the secretive nature of this group. Sounds a little strange and "red flag" worthy to me. What's up with that?

FireSprite

I'm sorry you are feeling lousy about this. I'm like Tuffgirl though - I guess I just don't understand what your big mistake was?

I understand that you weren't expressly invited, but if he'd loosely invited you to join the group before what's the big deal with dropping in to say hi because you were driving by & thought you'd be social? As far as checking up on him - sounds like you were already aware that he'd be drinking & expected it so..... ... what's to check up on?

Does he just not like you crossing over into his A world? RAH was very much that way, he HATED any of his A buddies even meeting me & whenever we went out he would take me anywhere except his regular hangout... he couldn't handle that cross-over & avoided it at all costs.

Thlayli

Hmmm...maybe. The group are serious runners though...unless he's totally lying to me about the routes they've taken.

I just really wish I wouldn't have gone over. He's not had a problem with this activity before and I trust him with this one but I think he still has guilt with his recent relapse. I have a hard time reminding myself that he's mad at himself and not at me. But my showing up put him on the defensive again...I'm a world-class overthinker...I need to find something else to be good at. :P

I don't think the group is secretive per se. I actually saw a girl who used to be one of my star students from a few years back (I taught one of her Freshman college courses) and she and a couple other group members were very friendly when I walked in.

FireSprite observation sounds likely.

Thanks for the input.

FireSprite

You know, I found that it didn't matter if I already knew the people from his favorite hangout or not. He simply didn't ever want ME to interact with THEM once they had seen him in his A-mode.

Most of the people were unknown to me anyway so it was a moot point, but he definitely went out of his way to keep that part of his world fully separated from me. He has shared with me since that this was deliberate on his part - that in mixed company he never knew what anyone would say that would be a 'tell' to me for how much he was drinking, how often he was in the bar, what he was spending, etc. He would lose the ability to keep track of his lies. And horror of horrors! What if I actually made a friend there & he lost his safe A place altogether?

It all came down to control.... which he no longer had once both of his worlds crossed over. He was afraid that interaction would deconstruct his carefully built illusions on both sides.

CentralOhioDad

I agree with this 100%. That's what I thought when I read this - you had been invited before without condition, so it was open-ended from my viewpoint