Input requested
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Canada
Posts: 56
Input requested
Hi all…
I’m a relative newcomer here…I’ve only posted a few times and am grateful for all the good advice and well wishes I’ve received.
You can find my story here: (edited to add that I don't have enough posts to include links...you can search 'Chickadees' posts and look for "Please allow me to introduce myself" and "What I did this Sunday.")
So after the epic Sunday afternoon event (link above) I haven’t seen my now X AFWB (ex alcoholic friend with benefits). I emailed him to tell him the best I could do was email, otherwise I wanted no contact. I have received one Facebook message saying only ‘miss u,’ and three drunken phone calls, two of which I answered. They were both in the middle of Saturday afternoons and he was hammered in both (repeated himself, flat out lied about stuff wasn’t important and I knew wasn’t true, etc). Both times he asked to see me and both times I declined.
Early last week, 6 weeks after the dreaded Sunday, I received a very short email from him:
--
I was wondering if you could maybe put my stuff in a bag for me to pick up tomorrow? I will be in your area mid afternoon. Maybe hanging on a door knob or whatever works. Let me know thanks. Hope all is well and wondering if your handing out candy this year for the first time?
(Insert name here)
--
I was furious and waited 5 days to reply. This was my reply:
---
(Insert name here) …
The day I received your email was not a good day. My Mom was diagnosed with cancer in both lungs and I was fitted for a splint on my right hand which will likely need surgery to fix. When I read your email I was so hurt and angry that it’s taken me this long to respond in any kind of rational way.
It’s been 6 weeks since the day you stole and drank so much of my 90 yr old neighbour’s booze that I thought you were going to die in his house and called 911. I was terrified. I didn’t know what you had ingested (pills?) and thought you had overdosed. Since that day, the only sober (?) communication I’ve received from you is a short email requesting the clothes that were left here that day back. And in that email you didn’t apologize, didn’t express any remorse and didn’t even ask me how I was.
Since I’ve known you, I’ve given you many, many ‘passes’ for bad behaviour due to your admitted issues with alcohol. There are no ‘passes’ left. Alcoholism or not, drunk or sober, at some point you have to take responsibility for yourself and your behaviour.
(Insert name here), you’ve treated me like ****. You have taken advantage of my generosity, manipulated my kindness, and exploited my vulnerabilities. You have lied to me, stolen from me and used me.
I used to think (and you liked to point out) that somewhere, underneath all the alcoholic bull***t, there was a genuine, kind, decent, caring person who was the ‘real’ (insert name here). Sometimes I thought I caught glimpses of who that (Insert name here) really was. I really liked that (Insert name here) and that gave me hope that someday you might become more of that person. Sadly, as time moved on, and especially in the last few months, those ‘glimpses’ became more and more fleeting.
I also used to think that underneath all the bull***t, you sincerely cared for and about me. It’s been hard and heartbreaking to consider very real possibility that that too was just more bull***t. Now it seems far more likely that you saw me as just another silly, stupid girl to schmooze in order to secure your next drink. And that feels really f******* sh***y.
So…you want your stuff back??? Me too. I would like the bottle of 7yr old Cuban Rum, the bottle of Cuban liqueur, the bottle French Absinthe, the 3 bottles of Grand Marnier, the numerous bottles of Malibu, the untold gallons of beer and wine that you somehow managed to drink while I wasn’t looking, back. I would like the $40 you stole from my Dad’s estate money back, the $100 I lent you in August for your storage fees and the $37.95 I spent to replace (my 90 yr old neighbour’s) gin back. I would like the ginger ale stain on my bedroom carpet to be gone and the toilet paper dispenser in the bathroom fixed.
But more than any of that, I would have liked a sincere heartfelt apology for putting me in a position to be so terrified that I had to call 911 that Sunday afternoon. It is unfathomable to me that you could just continue on your way knowing what you put me through and not offer any kind of apology.
To answer your question, I will return your stuff, to your Mom, when it is convenient to me.
----
A day later he sent me an email with only a subject line which read, ‘no more contact.’ A few minutes later he posted the video for Johnny Cash’s song “Hurt” on his FB page (i.e. not to me specifically) with a comment that said “listen…..” He knows that I’ve struggled with going ‘no contact’ in the weeks leading up to the dreaded Sunday event.
Reading the email felt like a punch in the chest. I immediately became emotional. At the same time I was ‘notified’ of his FB post. He’s played this song for me before. Our relationship was very much centred around music and we both play instruments.
In an emotional moment, I replied to his email….”so…no apology?” A few minutes later I responded again, “nevermind, dumb question.”
Not a lot of people I’m close to know the extent of my XAFWB’s alcoholism. It’s been a huge education to me as I have never had any kind of personal relationship with an A. I’m currently feeling uneasy about my email to him. I’m questioning myself. Did I go too far? Was I too mean? Was it over-the-top or un-necessarily nasty? I wrote what I felt and tried to do so responsibly …so why the heck do I feel so … ??? guilty? so mean? Is it all just manipulation? Why do some A’s have such a hard time apologizing for things that they did that were clearly hurtful?
What I am seeking is for anyone who feels so inclined to provide feedback on my email response…the good, the bad and the ugly. I’m pretty sure I’ll also get feedback on this email as well…and I welcome that too.
This is all so bloody confusing at times. Damn alcoholism.
Good Roads to all…
Chick
I’m a relative newcomer here…I’ve only posted a few times and am grateful for all the good advice and well wishes I’ve received.
You can find my story here: (edited to add that I don't have enough posts to include links...you can search 'Chickadees' posts and look for "Please allow me to introduce myself" and "What I did this Sunday.")
So after the epic Sunday afternoon event (link above) I haven’t seen my now X AFWB (ex alcoholic friend with benefits). I emailed him to tell him the best I could do was email, otherwise I wanted no contact. I have received one Facebook message saying only ‘miss u,’ and three drunken phone calls, two of which I answered. They were both in the middle of Saturday afternoons and he was hammered in both (repeated himself, flat out lied about stuff wasn’t important and I knew wasn’t true, etc). Both times he asked to see me and both times I declined.
Early last week, 6 weeks after the dreaded Sunday, I received a very short email from him:
--
I was wondering if you could maybe put my stuff in a bag for me to pick up tomorrow? I will be in your area mid afternoon. Maybe hanging on a door knob or whatever works. Let me know thanks. Hope all is well and wondering if your handing out candy this year for the first time?
(Insert name here)
--
I was furious and waited 5 days to reply. This was my reply:
---
(Insert name here) …
The day I received your email was not a good day. My Mom was diagnosed with cancer in both lungs and I was fitted for a splint on my right hand which will likely need surgery to fix. When I read your email I was so hurt and angry that it’s taken me this long to respond in any kind of rational way.
It’s been 6 weeks since the day you stole and drank so much of my 90 yr old neighbour’s booze that I thought you were going to die in his house and called 911. I was terrified. I didn’t know what you had ingested (pills?) and thought you had overdosed. Since that day, the only sober (?) communication I’ve received from you is a short email requesting the clothes that were left here that day back. And in that email you didn’t apologize, didn’t express any remorse and didn’t even ask me how I was.
Since I’ve known you, I’ve given you many, many ‘passes’ for bad behaviour due to your admitted issues with alcohol. There are no ‘passes’ left. Alcoholism or not, drunk or sober, at some point you have to take responsibility for yourself and your behaviour.
(Insert name here), you’ve treated me like ****. You have taken advantage of my generosity, manipulated my kindness, and exploited my vulnerabilities. You have lied to me, stolen from me and used me.
I used to think (and you liked to point out) that somewhere, underneath all the alcoholic bull***t, there was a genuine, kind, decent, caring person who was the ‘real’ (insert name here). Sometimes I thought I caught glimpses of who that (Insert name here) really was. I really liked that (Insert name here) and that gave me hope that someday you might become more of that person. Sadly, as time moved on, and especially in the last few months, those ‘glimpses’ became more and more fleeting.
I also used to think that underneath all the bull***t, you sincerely cared for and about me. It’s been hard and heartbreaking to consider very real possibility that that too was just more bull***t. Now it seems far more likely that you saw me as just another silly, stupid girl to schmooze in order to secure your next drink. And that feels really f******* sh***y.
So…you want your stuff back??? Me too. I would like the bottle of 7yr old Cuban Rum, the bottle of Cuban liqueur, the bottle French Absinthe, the 3 bottles of Grand Marnier, the numerous bottles of Malibu, the untold gallons of beer and wine that you somehow managed to drink while I wasn’t looking, back. I would like the $40 you stole from my Dad’s estate money back, the $100 I lent you in August for your storage fees and the $37.95 I spent to replace (my 90 yr old neighbour’s) gin back. I would like the ginger ale stain on my bedroom carpet to be gone and the toilet paper dispenser in the bathroom fixed.
But more than any of that, I would have liked a sincere heartfelt apology for putting me in a position to be so terrified that I had to call 911 that Sunday afternoon. It is unfathomable to me that you could just continue on your way knowing what you put me through and not offer any kind of apology.
To answer your question, I will return your stuff, to your Mom, when it is convenient to me.
----
A day later he sent me an email with only a subject line which read, ‘no more contact.’ A few minutes later he posted the video for Johnny Cash’s song “Hurt” on his FB page (i.e. not to me specifically) with a comment that said “listen…..” He knows that I’ve struggled with going ‘no contact’ in the weeks leading up to the dreaded Sunday event.
Reading the email felt like a punch in the chest. I immediately became emotional. At the same time I was ‘notified’ of his FB post. He’s played this song for me before. Our relationship was very much centred around music and we both play instruments.
In an emotional moment, I replied to his email….”so…no apology?” A few minutes later I responded again, “nevermind, dumb question.”
Not a lot of people I’m close to know the extent of my XAFWB’s alcoholism. It’s been a huge education to me as I have never had any kind of personal relationship with an A. I’m currently feeling uneasy about my email to him. I’m questioning myself. Did I go too far? Was I too mean? Was it over-the-top or un-necessarily nasty? I wrote what I felt and tried to do so responsibly …so why the heck do I feel so … ??? guilty? so mean? Is it all just manipulation? Why do some A’s have such a hard time apologizing for things that they did that were clearly hurtful?
What I am seeking is for anyone who feels so inclined to provide feedback on my email response…the good, the bad and the ugly. I’m pretty sure I’ll also get feedback on this email as well…and I welcome that too.
This is all so bloody confusing at times. Damn alcoholism.
Good Roads to all…
Chick
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Out on a MTB trail somewhere
Posts: 202
I see nothing wrong with what you said. You spoke the truth. Active A's don't like to see their stuff. Most are drinking bc they think it will help them not have to see, feel, or deal with their stuff. Yes he's manipulating and trying to make you feel guilty or at least thats the feeling I get. In all seriousness what you wrote sounds like what anyone would say/read to the A when they are doing an intervention. If you've ever watched intervention on A & E most don't like hearing the truth. Stick by what you have said and really try to keep no contact bc then your regaining your sanity and you also teaching/showing him that you really mean what you have said. Sometimes, that is what they need to have happen to be able to wake up and decide to actually deal with their addiction. If you haven't gone to al-anon I'd highly recommend it. I'm also sure others with more words of wisdome and experience will be along to share. Take care of yourself your not alone keep posting!
~MTB
~MTB
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
IMO, your email was excellent! It said what you felt and communicated your disappointment. Maybe it was "too harsh," but who knows? If he was really drunk when he read it, he might not have noticed. But, it seems, it has made you feel bad about how you have treated him.
First, he's not going to change. And he's not going to undo or make amends for all the wrongs he has committed against you and your neighbors and family. He is going to continue to be EXACTLY who you have learned him to be. From here on out, you are completely responsible for all the decisions you make. And if you decide to keep this guy in your life, that means accepting all the dysfunction that comes with him.
I have learned that when someone shows you who they are, it is best to believe them. I've also learned it's easier to detach from someone when I stop being in contact with them. If I were you, I would stick his stuff outside like he asked, email him it's out there, unfriend him from facebook, and block his emails.
You've let out your anger and frustrations in the email. Now it behooves you to let him go. And next time you'll probably think twice before you hit that Send button. I know, because I have learned that I can really hurt a guy with my words and my anger.
First, he's not going to change. And he's not going to undo or make amends for all the wrongs he has committed against you and your neighbors and family. He is going to continue to be EXACTLY who you have learned him to be. From here on out, you are completely responsible for all the decisions you make. And if you decide to keep this guy in your life, that means accepting all the dysfunction that comes with him.
I have learned that when someone shows you who they are, it is best to believe them. I've also learned it's easier to detach from someone when I stop being in contact with them. If I were you, I would stick his stuff outside like he asked, email him it's out there, unfriend him from facebook, and block his emails.
You've let out your anger and frustrations in the email. Now it behooves you to let him go. And next time you'll probably think twice before you hit that Send button. I know, because I have learned that I can really hurt a guy with my words and my anger.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Hello Chickadees, and pleased to "meet" you.
I noticed your comment about links. I took the liberty of finding the threads you mentioned and put the links here in this post. I hope you don't mind.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ce-myself.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...afternoon.html
Mike
Moderator, SR
I noticed your comment about links. I took the liberty of finding the threads you mentioned and put the links here in this post. I hope you don't mind.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ce-myself.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...afternoon.html
Mike
Moderator, SR
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Norton, KS
Posts: 21
Originally Posted by Chickadees 
Hi all…
I’m a relative newcomer here…I’ve only posted a few times and am grateful for all the good advice and well wishes I’ve received.
You can find my story here: (edited to add that I don't have enough posts to include links...you can search 'Chickadees' posts and look for "Please allow me to introduce myself" and "What I did this Sunday.")
So after the epic Sunday afternoon event (link above) I haven’t seen my now X AFWB (ex alcoholic friend with benefits). I emailed him to tell him the best I could do was email, otherwise I wanted no contact. I have received one Facebook message saying only ‘miss u,’ and three drunken phone calls, two of which I answered. They were both in the middle of Saturday afternoons and he was hammered in both (repeated himself, flat out lied about stuff wasn’t important and I knew wasn’t true, etc). Both times he asked to see me and both times I declined.
Early last week, 6 weeks after the dreaded Sunday, I received a very short email from him:
--
I was wondering if you could maybe put my stuff in a bag for me to pick up tomorrow? I will be in your area mid afternoon. Maybe hanging on a door knob or whatever works. Let me know thanks. Hope all is well and wondering if your handing out candy this year for the first time?
(Insert name here)
--
I was furious and waited 5 days to reply. This was my reply:
---
(Insert name here) …
The day I received your email was not a good day. My Mom was diagnosed with cancer in both lungs and I was fitted for a splint on my right hand which will likely need surgery to fix. When I read your email I was so hurt and angry that it’s taken me this long to respond in any kind of rational way.
It’s been 6 weeks since the day you stole and drank so much of my 90 yr old neighbour’s booze that I thought you were going to die in his house and called 911. I was terrified. I didn’t know what you had ingested (pills?) and thought you had overdosed. Since that day, the only sober (?) communication I’ve received from you is a short email requesting the clothes that were left here that day back. And in that email you didn’t apologize, didn’t express any remorse and didn’t even ask me how I was.
Since I’ve known you, I’ve given you many, many ‘passes’ for bad behaviour due to your admitted issues with alcohol. There are no ‘passes’ left. Alcoholism or not, drunk or sober, at some point you have to take responsibility for yourself and your behaviour.
(Insert name here), you’ve treated me like ****. You have taken advantage of my generosity, manipulated my kindness, and exploited my vulnerabilities. You have lied to me, stolen from me and used me.
I used to think (and you liked to point out) that somewhere, underneath all the alcoholic bull***t, there was a genuine, kind, decent, caring person who was the ‘real’ (insert name here). Sometimes I thought I caught glimpses of who that (Insert name here) really was. I really liked that (Insert name here) and that gave me hope that someday you might become more of that person. Sadly, as time moved on, and especially in the last few months, those ‘glimpses’ became more and more fleeting.
I also used to think that underneath all the bull***t, you sincerely cared for and about me. It’s been hard and heartbreaking to consider very real possibility that that too was just more bull***t. Now it seems far more likely that you saw me as just another silly, stupid girl to schmooze in order to secure your next drink. And that feels really f******* sh***y.
So…you want your stuff back??? Me too. I would like the bottle of 7yr old Cuban Rum, the bottle of Cuban liqueur, the bottle French Absinthe, the 3 bottles of Grand Marnier, the numerous bottles of Malibu, the untold gallons of beer and wine that you somehow managed to drink while I wasn’t looking, back. I would like the $40 you stole from my Dad’s estate money back, the $100 I lent you in August for your storage fees and the $37.95 I spent to replace (my 90 yr old neighbour’s) gin back. I would like the ginger ale stain on my bedroom carpet to be gone and the toilet paper dispenser in the bathroom fixed.
But more than any of that, I would have liked a sincere heartfelt apology for putting me in a position to be so terrified that I had to call 911 that Sunday afternoon. It is unfathomable to me that you could just continue on your way knowing what you put me through and not offer any kind of apology.
To answer your question, I will return your stuff, to your Mom, when it is convenient to me.
----
A day later he sent me an email with only a subject line which read, ‘no more contact.’ A few minutes later he posted the video for Johnny Cash’s song “Hurt” on his FB page (i.e. not to me specifically) with a comment that said “listen…..” He knows that I’ve struggled with going ‘no contact’ in the weeks leading up to the dreaded Sunday event.
Reading the email felt like a punch in the chest. I immediately became emotional. At the same time I was ‘notified’ of his FB post. He’s played this song for me before. Our relationship was very much centred around music and we both play instruments.
In an emotional moment, I replied to his email….”so…no apology?” A few minutes later I responded again, “nevermind, dumb question.”
Not a lot of people I’m close to know the extent of my XAFWB’s alcoholism. It’s been a huge education to me as I have never had any kind of personal relationship with an A. I’m currently feeling uneasy about my email to him. I’m questioning myself. Did I go too far? Was I too mean? Was it over-the-top or un-necessarily nasty? I wrote what I felt and tried to do so responsibly …so why the heck do I feel so … ??? guilty? so mean? Is it all just manipulation? Why do some A’s have such a hard time apologizing for things that they did that were clearly hurtful?
What I am seeking is for anyone who feels so inclined to provide feedback on my email response…the good, the bad and the ugly. I’m pretty sure I’ll also get feedback on this email as well…and I welcome that too.
This is all so bloody confusing at times. Damn alcoholism.
Good Roads to all…
Chick
I’m a relative newcomer here…I’ve only posted a few times and am grateful for all the good advice and well wishes I’ve received.
You can find my story here: (edited to add that I don't have enough posts to include links...you can search 'Chickadees' posts and look for "Please allow me to introduce myself" and "What I did this Sunday.")
So after the epic Sunday afternoon event (link above) I haven’t seen my now X AFWB (ex alcoholic friend with benefits). I emailed him to tell him the best I could do was email, otherwise I wanted no contact. I have received one Facebook message saying only ‘miss u,’ and three drunken phone calls, two of which I answered. They were both in the middle of Saturday afternoons and he was hammered in both (repeated himself, flat out lied about stuff wasn’t important and I knew wasn’t true, etc). Both times he asked to see me and both times I declined.
Early last week, 6 weeks after the dreaded Sunday, I received a very short email from him:
--
I was wondering if you could maybe put my stuff in a bag for me to pick up tomorrow? I will be in your area mid afternoon. Maybe hanging on a door knob or whatever works. Let me know thanks. Hope all is well and wondering if your handing out candy this year for the first time?
(Insert name here)
--
I was furious and waited 5 days to reply. This was my reply:
---
(Insert name here) …
The day I received your email was not a good day. My Mom was diagnosed with cancer in both lungs and I was fitted for a splint on my right hand which will likely need surgery to fix. When I read your email I was so hurt and angry that it’s taken me this long to respond in any kind of rational way.
It’s been 6 weeks since the day you stole and drank so much of my 90 yr old neighbour’s booze that I thought you were going to die in his house and called 911. I was terrified. I didn’t know what you had ingested (pills?) and thought you had overdosed. Since that day, the only sober (?) communication I’ve received from you is a short email requesting the clothes that were left here that day back. And in that email you didn’t apologize, didn’t express any remorse and didn’t even ask me how I was.
Since I’ve known you, I’ve given you many, many ‘passes’ for bad behaviour due to your admitted issues with alcohol. There are no ‘passes’ left. Alcoholism or not, drunk or sober, at some point you have to take responsibility for yourself and your behaviour.
(Insert name here), you’ve treated me like ****. You have taken advantage of my generosity, manipulated my kindness, and exploited my vulnerabilities. You have lied to me, stolen from me and used me.
I used to think (and you liked to point out) that somewhere, underneath all the alcoholic bull***t, there was a genuine, kind, decent, caring person who was the ‘real’ (insert name here). Sometimes I thought I caught glimpses of who that (Insert name here) really was. I really liked that (Insert name here) and that gave me hope that someday you might become more of that person. Sadly, as time moved on, and especially in the last few months, those ‘glimpses’ became more and more fleeting.
I also used to think that underneath all the bull***t, you sincerely cared for and about me. It’s been hard and heartbreaking to consider very real possibility that that too was just more bull***t. Now it seems far more likely that you saw me as just another silly, stupid girl to schmooze in order to secure your next drink. And that feels really f******* sh***y.
So…you want your stuff back??? Me too. I would like the bottle of 7yr old Cuban Rum, the bottle of Cuban liqueur, the bottle French Absinthe, the 3 bottles of Grand Marnier, the numerous bottles of Malibu, the untold gallons of beer and wine that you somehow managed to drink while I wasn’t looking, back. I would like the $40 you stole from my Dad’s estate money back, the $100 I lent you in August for your storage fees and the $37.95 I spent to replace (my 90 yr old neighbour’s) gin back. I would like the ginger ale stain on my bedroom carpet to be gone and the toilet paper dispenser in the bathroom fixed.
But more than any of that, I would have liked a sincere heartfelt apology for putting me in a position to be so terrified that I had to call 911 that Sunday afternoon. It is unfathomable to me that you could just continue on your way knowing what you put me through and not offer any kind of apology.
To answer your question, I will return your stuff, to your Mom, when it is convenient to me.
----
A day later he sent me an email with only a subject line which read, ‘no more contact.’ A few minutes later he posted the video for Johnny Cash’s song “Hurt” on his FB page (i.e. not to me specifically) with a comment that said “listen…..” He knows that I’ve struggled with going ‘no contact’ in the weeks leading up to the dreaded Sunday event.
Reading the email felt like a punch in the chest. I immediately became emotional. At the same time I was ‘notified’ of his FB post. He’s played this song for me before. Our relationship was very much centred around music and we both play instruments.
In an emotional moment, I replied to his email….”so…no apology?” A few minutes later I responded again, “nevermind, dumb question.”
Not a lot of people I’m close to know the extent of my XAFWB’s alcoholism. It’s been a huge education to me as I have never had any kind of personal relationship with an A. I’m currently feeling uneasy about my email to him. I’m questioning myself. Did I go too far? Was I too mean? Was it over-the-top or un-necessarily nasty? I wrote what I felt and tried to do so responsibly …so why the heck do I feel so … ??? guilty? so mean? Is it all just manipulation? Why do some A’s have such a hard time apologizing for things that they did that were clearly hurtful?
What I am seeking is for anyone who feels so inclined to provide feedback on my email response…the good, the bad and the ugly. I’m pretty sure I’ll also get feedback on this email as well…and I welcome that too.
This is all so bloody confusing at times. Damn alcoholism.
Good Roads to all…
Chick
One of the earlier replies mentions the A's "stuff". Their "stuff" is something that they don't want to remember, or don't want to deal with, process, understand, face, get past. This "stuff" is something they can't handle. So they numb the mind with alcohol. They can't apologize for their horrible behavior (and your A had puh-lenty of horrible behavior), because that would mean the A must peek inside that door that leads to the room where their stuff is. If they are truly sorry for what they did, they must start to look at why they did that behavior: their stuff.
Very understandable that you feel like you went too far, you are questioning your words and your feelings. You are right, your A is trying the manipulation. At times the manipulation will be subtle and other times you'll see it right away. If you wrote what you feel, you are authorized to feel those feelings and express how you feel about them. It's so important to express how you feel, rather than lashing out at the A, calling them names, and being mean to get back at them. You did a GREAT job of expressing your feelings and you never once lashed out at him nor called him a name.
Hopefully a week from now, a month from now, 2 months from now, you'll be able to remember how you felt when you wrote that e-mail to him, and you'll stick by your boundaries of no contact, no drinking with him, and no benefits. His actions speak louder than his words. Good luck to you, hang in there, let us know how you are doing.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Canada
Posts: 56
Thank you all!
Thanks so much for your thoughtful replies MTBChick, L2L, Mike and Ken. I appreciate it very much.
I woke up this morning feeling much more clear and confident that I had handled the situation honestly and that as much as I could, avoided descending into vitriol.
I think it's absolutely right that some A's cannot apologize, because that would mean opening the door on all the stuff that they're trying desperately to avoid acknowledging, let alone sorting through and dealing with.
I suppose I'm greiving the loss of what I thought was a special friendship. A week ago I was seething mad. Today I'm sad. And it's confusing to miss and/or worry someone who has treated me so badly on so many occasions. And it's painful to watch someone I cared about who has so much potential throw it all away for a bottle.
Thanks again for listening and for offering your perspectives.
Good Roads,
Chick
I woke up this morning feeling much more clear and confident that I had handled the situation honestly and that as much as I could, avoided descending into vitriol.
I think it's absolutely right that some A's cannot apologize, because that would mean opening the door on all the stuff that they're trying desperately to avoid acknowledging, let alone sorting through and dealing with.
I suppose I'm greiving the loss of what I thought was a special friendship. A week ago I was seething mad. Today I'm sad. And it's confusing to miss and/or worry someone who has treated me so badly on so many occasions. And it's painful to watch someone I cared about who has so much potential throw it all away for a bottle.
Thanks again for listening and for offering your perspectives.
Good Roads,
Chick
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: seeking sanity
Posts: 645
Chickadees,
You're wanting him to "own" his behavior. That is understandable but most likely not going to happen from an alcoholic. My XAH caused more craziness, hurt and confusion in my life that I could even imagine. I'm three years past the relationship and it took a long time to get to the point to where I no longer needed or wanted him to acknowledge all that he had done to hurt me. The absolute best thing I have ever done for myself is to move on and life my life.
Get rid of his stuff in a respectable way, block any Facebook contact, block his calls, texts and e-mails. Lick your wounds and take care of yourself.
The best thing I read in your post is that you are not married to this man and do not have children with him.
Hugs to you.
You're wanting him to "own" his behavior. That is understandable but most likely not going to happen from an alcoholic. My XAH caused more craziness, hurt and confusion in my life that I could even imagine. I'm three years past the relationship and it took a long time to get to the point to where I no longer needed or wanted him to acknowledge all that he had done to hurt me. The absolute best thing I have ever done for myself is to move on and life my life.
Get rid of his stuff in a respectable way, block any Facebook contact, block his calls, texts and e-mails. Lick your wounds and take care of yourself.
The best thing I read in your post is that you are not married to this man and do not have children with him.
Hugs to you.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
Chickadees,
Welcome! Wow... you got off cheap with your XAFWB! Thank goodness you got off the roller coaster before it developed into a more expensive lesson. I spent countless thousands helping my XA who had ssoooooooo much potential!
Never fall in love with potential!
Now... as to his inability to react to his horrific behavior in any sort of normal way.... well... he ain't normal.
You were banging on the door of the hardware store and trying to buy bread. A's do not have any bread to give or share.
They are spiritually, emotionally and in every way.... bankrupt. He's a broken mess and isn't doing a thing to help himself.
Dust yourself off... thank your lucky stars that you are learning how to detect Alcoholic BS and toxic people BEFORE getting emeshed and entangled and hurt!
I am taking a vacation from toxic emotionally draining people, places and things and you can too!
Thats my goal...
Welcome! Wow... you got off cheap with your XAFWB! Thank goodness you got off the roller coaster before it developed into a more expensive lesson. I spent countless thousands helping my XA who had ssoooooooo much potential!
Never fall in love with potential!
Now... as to his inability to react to his horrific behavior in any sort of normal way.... well... he ain't normal.
You were banging on the door of the hardware store and trying to buy bread. A's do not have any bread to give or share.
They are spiritually, emotionally and in every way.... bankrupt. He's a broken mess and isn't doing a thing to help himself.
Dust yourself off... thank your lucky stars that you are learning how to detect Alcoholic BS and toxic people BEFORE getting emeshed and entangled and hurt!
I am taking a vacation from toxic emotionally draining people, places and things and you can too!
Thats my goal...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Canada
Posts: 56
Rolltide and Hopeworks
Originally Posted by Hopeworks
Chickadees,
Welcome! Wow... you got off cheap with your XAFWB! Thank goodness you got off the roller coaster before it developed into a more expensive lesson. I spent countless thousands helping my XA who had ssoooooooo much potential!
Never fall in love with potential!
Now... as to his inability to react to his horrific behavior in any sort of normal way.... well... he ain't normal.
You were banging on the door of the hardware store and trying to buy bread. A's do not have any bread to give or share.
They are spiritually, emotionally and in every way.... bankrupt. He's a broken mess and isn't doing a thing to help himself.
Dust yourself off... thank your lucky stars that you are learning how to detect Alcoholic BS and toxic people BEFORE getting emeshed and entangled and hurt!
I am taking a vacation from toxic emotionally draining people, places and things and you can too!
Thats my goal...
Welcome! Wow... you got off cheap with your XAFWB! Thank goodness you got off the roller coaster before it developed into a more expensive lesson. I spent countless thousands helping my XA who had ssoooooooo much potential!
Never fall in love with potential!
Now... as to his inability to react to his horrific behavior in any sort of normal way.... well... he ain't normal.
You were banging on the door of the hardware store and trying to buy bread. A's do not have any bread to give or share.
They are spiritually, emotionally and in every way.... bankrupt. He's a broken mess and isn't doing a thing to help himself.
Dust yourself off... thank your lucky stars that you are learning how to detect Alcoholic BS and toxic people BEFORE getting emeshed and entangled and hurt!
I am taking a vacation from toxic emotionally draining people, places and things and you can too!
Thats my goal...
Rolltide: Yes! I wanted him to own his behaviour! And yes...absolutely *not* going to happen. Sigh....
Hopeworks...I truly laughed out loud when I read "Wow...you got off cheap!" You are soooo right. I always had a little voice in my head/heart that told me to keep some distance. Looking back now, I'm so very glad I did. That alone is a testament to going with your gut.
After reading voratiously here at SR I've thanked my lucky stars many times. My heart breaks when I read the stories of folks who are married and have kids with A's. In case you guys don't already know it...this board is an invaluable public service. I'm quite sure that there are a ton of people out there who never join or post, but who have benefitted in a million ways from the wisdom of the members here.
You nailed it Hopeworks....Falling in love with potential, yup. He ain't normal, yup. Trying to get bread from the hardware store...yup! Emotionally and spiritually bankrupt, yup. Not doing anything to help himself, yup.
Thanking my lucky stars....a big oh yeah!
Much gratitude...
Chick
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