Have I lost my mind?!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 200
Have I lost my mind?!
Okay here's a short story version. I just need to know if I am in the right, or if its just me being ridiculous.
Partner and I were dating for 2 years.
Longstoryshort. I drank ALOT
We broke up.
I got sober (60 days so far)
She wants to work on things be together.
I tell her that I can't handle alcohol or drugs (INCLUDING weed)
She freaks out saying she wants someone who understands her.
I calmly say "i don't have a problem with weed, but i don't want it involved in my or my future partners life"
She says "I guess I'll have to change if this is a problem"
She smokes again.
I forgive her.
She tells me last night you should see how I got paid.
I think it's from the bank, i thought it was odd that the bank would origami money
Nope, She's selling weed.
I said, I couldn't handle it.
She hung up.
Hasn't called back... but did send me a picture. I'm sure to show me yes, very cool origami money, but also that it was over 200 dollars.
I don't care about money, I'd rather have a solid relationship.
Is this wrong of me to be so persistent that I don't want it in my life, or should i understand that this is WHO she is, who she's always been. It's just I assumed if I changed she would want to be a positive influence in my life. Expecially in my new sobriety.
I am not a judgmental person, that's why I am shocked I'm even standing up for this. I don't care if anyone does anything that's thier choice. but what I am trying to say is if you want ME in a RELATIONSHIP i don't want alcohol or drugs.
She thinks I'm giving her an ultimatum. In sense I feel like I am, and I don't want to do that... I don't know what to do.
What do you think?
Partner and I were dating for 2 years.
Longstoryshort. I drank ALOT
We broke up.
I got sober (60 days so far)
She wants to work on things be together.
I tell her that I can't handle alcohol or drugs (INCLUDING weed)
She freaks out saying she wants someone who understands her.
I calmly say "i don't have a problem with weed, but i don't want it involved in my or my future partners life"
She says "I guess I'll have to change if this is a problem"
She smokes again.
I forgive her.
She tells me last night you should see how I got paid.
I think it's from the bank, i thought it was odd that the bank would origami money
Nope, She's selling weed.
I said, I couldn't handle it.
She hung up.
Hasn't called back... but did send me a picture. I'm sure to show me yes, very cool origami money, but also that it was over 200 dollars.
I don't care about money, I'd rather have a solid relationship.
Is this wrong of me to be so persistent that I don't want it in my life, or should i understand that this is WHO she is, who she's always been. It's just I assumed if I changed she would want to be a positive influence in my life. Expecially in my new sobriety.
I am not a judgmental person, that's why I am shocked I'm even standing up for this. I don't care if anyone does anything that's thier choice. but what I am trying to say is if you want ME in a RELATIONSHIP i don't want alcohol or drugs.
She thinks I'm giving her an ultimatum. In sense I feel like I am, and I don't want to do that... I don't know what to do.
What do you think?
Jules
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: ohio
Posts: 279
You have to decide how you want to live your life and how you want to stay sober. Actually selling weed is a pretty bug deal and counter-productive to staying sober.
You are not "judging" someone right or wrong, you are just putting your sobriety first.
Only you can make the decision about who and what you want in your life. It sounds like you have made up your mind already......your not bad for not wanting to be around that $hit........you are trying to live a better life! Hang in there
You are not "judging" someone right or wrong, you are just putting your sobriety first.
Only you can make the decision about who and what you want in your life. It sounds like you have made up your mind already......your not bad for not wanting to be around that $hit........you are trying to live a better life! Hang in there
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Somewhere in the sands of time
Posts: 1,462
Also if she doesn't want to change to be with you then she was never the right one for you, every relationship that comes into our lives does so to teach us something,.take what you learned, don't regret and find someone worthy of you
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: CO
Posts: 42
In general, I rarely offer advice on other people's relationships because they are usually complicated and the only two people that know what's best are the two people involved with each other.
BUT, since you are asking advice, here's what I'd say: End it now, don't wait and draw it out. Yes, people can change and/or mature. I, myself, was that girl at 20 who was involved with stuff like your girlfriend, and I managed to distance myself from it over the years. Ditto for my husband. (we met and married when I was 20).
However, most people don't change. Selling drugs and not being supportive of your sobriety are Big Picture issues. You are not being "judgemental" if you are making a decision that majorly impacts your own life.
Whatever you decide, I hope it works out for the best, and remember that it is okay sometimes to be selfish and make decisions based on what is best for YOU.
BUT, since you are asking advice, here's what I'd say: End it now, don't wait and draw it out. Yes, people can change and/or mature. I, myself, was that girl at 20 who was involved with stuff like your girlfriend, and I managed to distance myself from it over the years. Ditto for my husband. (we met and married when I was 20).
However, most people don't change. Selling drugs and not being supportive of your sobriety are Big Picture issues. You are not being "judgemental" if you are making a decision that majorly impacts your own life.
Whatever you decide, I hope it works out for the best, and remember that it is okay sometimes to be selfish and make decisions based on what is best for YOU.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 339
Pretty tough. I know my wife still smokes weed once in awhile. She used to smoke daily if not, 2-3 times a day. Since I got sober (60 days!!) I have not seen her smoke. She does but I never see it. I am ok with it but that is just me. It does not effect our relationship (like my drinking did) and I never smoked weed. I know ALL of my counselors would say it is a bad idea but these are just my thoughts.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
you have to accept it is what she wants to do but you dont have to allow unacceptable behavior in your life.
for me i have to be somewhat judgemental. i dont want be around anyone whose actions effect my peeace and serenity and could jeopardize my sobriety.
heres what i think:
giving an ultimatum is putting the ball in her court. it will lead to resentments for her and gloom, dispair, and misery for you. or you can keep the ball in your court, keep recovery your main priority, and if necessary, walk away from the relationship.
for me i have to be somewhat judgemental. i dont want be around anyone whose actions effect my peeace and serenity and could jeopardize my sobriety.
heres what i think:
giving an ultimatum is putting the ball in her court. it will lead to resentments for her and gloom, dispair, and misery for you. or you can keep the ball in your court, keep recovery your main priority, and if necessary, walk away from the relationship.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: AZ
Posts: 247
I am sorry you are having to go through this, but you must do what is best for your goal and desire to stay clean.. If she loves you and wants to be your mate, then she would respect your desire to be clean and sober, and would help you to achieve that goal and not hinder you.. Right now she is hindering you because she is putting temptation and stumbling blocks in your way.
Only you can decide what you want to do..
It is hard to let go and give up on someone who you love or think you love. I know that from real life. Yet, if they are not helping us to be better people and to overcome our demons then are they the right one for us?
I read a quote from one of my facebook groups and will share it with you as it helped me in deciding to let go of someone I was hanging on to, hoping that they would change and become the man I wanted them to be.
" life is an echo, what you put out, comes back to you." ( unknown)
We want to build a better life for ourselves or we wouldn't be here at S/R. We are putting out the hard work to get clean and stay clean. If we continue to work toward a life of sober living, then I believe we will achieve that goal.
Good luck, and I am proud of you for making 60 days and working so hard to achieve that clean and sober life.
Only you can decide what you want to do..
It is hard to let go and give up on someone who you love or think you love. I know that from real life. Yet, if they are not helping us to be better people and to overcome our demons then are they the right one for us?
I read a quote from one of my facebook groups and will share it with you as it helped me in deciding to let go of someone I was hanging on to, hoping that they would change and become the man I wanted them to be.
" life is an echo, what you put out, comes back to you." ( unknown)
We want to build a better life for ourselves or we wouldn't be here at S/R. We are putting out the hard work to get clean and stay clean. If we continue to work toward a life of sober living, then I believe we will achieve that goal.
Good luck, and I am proud of you for making 60 days and working so hard to achieve that clean and sober life.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: fort wayne, IN.
Posts: 1,085
I would'nt get too hung up on being "judgemental"
That word gets thrown around a lot. We make judgements every day. We have too. How can we not? Sometimes we make good ones.
I think it is fair/kind of you not to condemn people for their choices. It is right for you to excercise judgement.
That word gets thrown around a lot. We make judgements every day. We have too. How can we not? Sometimes we make good ones.
I think it is fair/kind of you not to condemn people for their choices. It is right for you to excercise judgement.
Crazy Cat Lady
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 2,661
Look, muffin, i think your 100% right here. Not only is this person not fitting into your sober lifestyle but she's rubbing her using lifestyle in your face. I see someone who's trying to pull you back in. It's not like she's smoking and keeping it discreet. If my husband drank and kept it to a minimum and was discreet about it, i'd be cool (he's sober even though he's not an alcoholic). But if he earned his money selling booze or did anything involving drugs or alcohol and brought it up to me even in passing, i'd tear him a new one. If he persisted, well, that is relationship ending. This person isn't respecting you and your decision. Actually, she's going out of her way to disrespect your lifestyle choice. She's being immature and manipulative.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,439
It would be a big deal for me too. A very big deal.
You have a absolute and inalienable right to decide the kinds of behaviour that's acceptable to you Rags
that's not being 'judgemental': it's setting good healthy boundaries that mesh with the new healthy, sober you
D
You have a absolute and inalienable right to decide the kinds of behaviour that's acceptable to you Rags
that's not being 'judgemental': it's setting good healthy boundaries that mesh with the new healthy, sober you
D
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Sober State
Posts: 1,126
I agree with everyone else.
Usually, when people act this way, it's b/c they know deep down they need to change but want someone to go along with their bad choices so they feel better about their bad behavior & decisions.
Not only are you risking your sobriety (which is THE most important) but your freedom as well. Prison is not the place relationships grow in.
Move on. Save YOU.
Usually, when people act this way, it's b/c they know deep down they need to change but want someone to go along with their bad choices so they feel better about their bad behavior & decisions.
Not only are you risking your sobriety (which is THE most important) but your freedom as well. Prison is not the place relationships grow in.
Move on. Save YOU.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Vancouver BC Canada
Posts: 384
Totally agree with the others, and for most people, alcoholic or not, that would be a hard boundary and no questions asked that it is unacceptable.
Being involved with it leaves you open to
-relapse
-police issues , drugs yes even pot is illegal nearly everywhere
-dealing is usually a lot more serious than possession in most places and you don't need to be caught up in any of that
-the people associated with drugs which probably aren't what you need in your life
Maybe this is her wake up call and that her lifestyle comes with costs , namely you.
Her behaviour seems very manipulative in terms of pictures of money and the like. Its a difficult thing but best to let her sort her life out and stay on your path to recovery.
Congrats on 60 days !
Being involved with it leaves you open to
-relapse
-police issues , drugs yes even pot is illegal nearly everywhere
-dealing is usually a lot more serious than possession in most places and you don't need to be caught up in any of that
-the people associated with drugs which probably aren't what you need in your life
Maybe this is her wake up call and that her lifestyle comes with costs , namely you.
Her behaviour seems very manipulative in terms of pictures of money and the like. Its a difficult thing but best to let her sort her life out and stay on your path to recovery.
Congrats on 60 days !
Self recovered Self discovered
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Toronto Canada
Posts: 5,148
You have set a clear boundary, Ragamuffin. It isn't a condition of your relationship, it's not an ultimatum, it's just the truth about something which you cannot and will not abide.
This isn't any longer about you, it is about your GF and her choices. She has the ability to choose.
This isn't any longer about you, it is about your GF and her choices. She has the ability to choose.
Clear Eyes Full Heart
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,272
Ragamuffin, sorry you're having to make this decision about an important relationship to you. She wants to work on things to be together, but doesn't seem to want to work on the big important things that will ultimately separate you. Everyone has given you good advice.
I think we all like to be the kind of people that follow our hearts, but in recovery I think it's a whole lot better to follow your brain. Usually your head knows exactly what's going on. Your heart is often more like your AV lol
I think we all like to be the kind of people that follow our hearts, but in recovery I think it's a whole lot better to follow your brain. Usually your head knows exactly what's going on. Your heart is often more like your AV lol
Member
Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 521
ragalove I am 100% proud of you for even asking these kinds of questions. It means you are putting your soberity first and it is a giant step in recovery. When you can say "this is important to me" and actually do it and mean it is wonderful. Standby what is important for you a never settle!
Congrats on 60 days!
Congrats on 60 days!
Grateful to be free
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Arizona
Posts: 3,680
Congrats on 60 days. Congrats on seeing what will and won't work for you in a relationship.
I think it's a simple issue of compatibility. Your lifestyles and needs don't fit well together. That's all. No judgement. You're not a stick in the mud buzzkill for getting sober. She's not a bad partner for not making the same decision you have.
Often when one partner makes a major change in their life that they consider "right", they assume their partner should suddenly see the rightness of it too, and be supportive or change along with them. It doesn't work that way. It hurts like heck, but it's how life is.
I find it very hard, in my own life, to accept when this happens...in either direction. I'm not comfortable when my partner makes a major change...I'm not always ready to jump along with them.
I want relationships to be a forever thing. I want to believe that if people were only willing to "work" on things, we can make any relationship work. But that's not been my experience, sometimes we just have different needs and desires for ourselves. Sometimes happily ever after isn't going to happen, no matter how much we wish it could.
I'm in the middle of a situation like yours right now. So I am talking to myself as I type this post too. I can't believe how hard it is to walk away.
I think it's a simple issue of compatibility. Your lifestyles and needs don't fit well together. That's all. No judgement. You're not a stick in the mud buzzkill for getting sober. She's not a bad partner for not making the same decision you have.
Often when one partner makes a major change in their life that they consider "right", they assume their partner should suddenly see the rightness of it too, and be supportive or change along with them. It doesn't work that way. It hurts like heck, but it's how life is.
I find it very hard, in my own life, to accept when this happens...in either direction. I'm not comfortable when my partner makes a major change...I'm not always ready to jump along with them.
I want relationships to be a forever thing. I want to believe that if people were only willing to "work" on things, we can make any relationship work. But that's not been my experience, sometimes we just have different needs and desires for ourselves. Sometimes happily ever after isn't going to happen, no matter how much we wish it could.
I'm in the middle of a situation like yours right now. So I am talking to myself as I type this post too. I can't believe how hard it is to walk away.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
