Worried Father
Awaiting Email Confirmation
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 3
Worried Father
Hello,
I am new to this site and thought that I might get some insight.
My daughter is 34 years old. She lives in a different state so what I knew about her life was based on what she told me. I had no reason to doubt her.
As it turns out she is an alcoholic who's life was in total chaos.
She would manage to remain somewhat sober whenever she would come visit the family.
The family only became aware of the extent of her alcoholism when she was admitted into a detox facility. She was in really bad shape.
She went through detox. Then entered a 30 day rehab. Followed by a sober living facility.
We were all extremely happy with her progress. She just passed 60 days of sobriety. She looks and sounds great.
Now for the reason I am posting this thread.
I know little about addiction.
My wife still talks to one of her counselors from time to time inquiring about her progress.
The last time they talked her counselor told my wife that a situation has developed that concerns them.
After just two weeks out of rehab my daughter has a new boyfriend. Who also is in sober living.
The counselor told my wife that this is highly frowned upon in early recovery.
We always suggest at least a year before any major changes.
The counselor was also not surprised at all that our daughter had said nothing to us about her new boyfriend.
She said that two people becoming romantically involved at this stage in their sobriety is like them standing in a puddle of gasoline just wating for the match to be thrown in.
She said that I hope this dosent happen with your daughter, but unfortunately this situation quite often leads to relapse for one or both parties.
When we brought up the situation to our daughter she told us to relax.
She said that she didn't mention it to us because she knew that we would overreact.
She told us that she is very much in love. And he is a great guy.
And that the counselor had no business talking about her.
Incidentally her new boyfriend is also 7 years younger then her. I do not know why that bothers me, but it does.
Is her counselor overreacting?
Or is this really a method for disaster?
I am new to this site and thought that I might get some insight.
My daughter is 34 years old. She lives in a different state so what I knew about her life was based on what she told me. I had no reason to doubt her.
As it turns out she is an alcoholic who's life was in total chaos.
She would manage to remain somewhat sober whenever she would come visit the family.
The family only became aware of the extent of her alcoholism when she was admitted into a detox facility. She was in really bad shape.
She went through detox. Then entered a 30 day rehab. Followed by a sober living facility.
We were all extremely happy with her progress. She just passed 60 days of sobriety. She looks and sounds great.
Now for the reason I am posting this thread.
I know little about addiction.
My wife still talks to one of her counselors from time to time inquiring about her progress.
The last time they talked her counselor told my wife that a situation has developed that concerns them.
After just two weeks out of rehab my daughter has a new boyfriend. Who also is in sober living.
The counselor told my wife that this is highly frowned upon in early recovery.
We always suggest at least a year before any major changes.
The counselor was also not surprised at all that our daughter had said nothing to us about her new boyfriend.
She said that two people becoming romantically involved at this stage in their sobriety is like them standing in a puddle of gasoline just wating for the match to be thrown in.
She said that I hope this dosent happen with your daughter, but unfortunately this situation quite often leads to relapse for one or both parties.
When we brought up the situation to our daughter she told us to relax.
She said that she didn't mention it to us because she knew that we would overreact.
She told us that she is very much in love. And he is a great guy.
And that the counselor had no business talking about her.
Incidentally her new boyfriend is also 7 years younger then her. I do not know why that bothers me, but it does.
Is her counselor overreacting?
Or is this really a method for disaster?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Northeast
Posts: 211
Dear Worriedpa, more will be along to reply to your post. I don't have any answers except that what the counselor said is true about waiting a year etc for those kinds of changes.
The are "stickies", or posts at the top of the forum with a wealth of information that you will want to read that may shed some light on some of your questions.
Keep posting. We are happy to have you with us. There are so many here that I am sure you will get some good input in a bit. Hang in there.
The are "stickies", or posts at the top of the forum with a wealth of information that you will want to read that may shed some light on some of your questions.
Keep posting. We are happy to have you with us. There are so many here that I am sure you will get some good input in a bit. Hang in there.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family!
Yes, you posted is the right place. It is nice to *meet* you! You have found a wonderful resource of information and support.
I am a recovering alcoholic.
It is my personal experience that after getting sober, I had a lot of maturing to do. It is my understanding that most alcoholics become emotionally stunted at the time they become active in their alcoholism. That means for some they have the emotional maturity of a teenager or a very young adult.
I was also accustomed to stuffing my feelings and/or drowning them with alcohol.
In early sobriety (after 90 days), I was just beginning to feel emotions. I was overwhelmed with my *new* feelings. I can understand why counselors advise newly sober alcoholics not to make any changes in personal relationships during the first year, because dealing with my own emotions was taking all my energy! Dealing with a new relationship and especially someone else's recovery would be over the top.
I was married when I became sober and began recovery. I was married to an active alcoholic when I became sober. It was apparent that he had no intentions of joining me in sobriety. Our marriage ended in divorce. He later attempted sobriety and asked for my help. I knew that I could not work my recovery as well as his. I had to allow him the dignity of finding his own path.
My ex husband's sobriety did not last. He went back out. I am glad that I do not have any guilt over not doing enough to help him, nor can I be blamed for causing his failure. His recovery belonged to him, just as my own belongs to me.
Your daughter's recovery is a priority.
However, she is an adult and her choices are her own to make.
The 3 C's of her addiction:
You did not Cause it
You can not Control it
You will not Cure it
As a sober adult, she will may make mistakes. I hope she faces her mistakes with sobriety and a plan for a better future!
I hope you will stick around and make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed. We are here to support you.
Yes, you posted is the right place. It is nice to *meet* you! You have found a wonderful resource of information and support.
I am a recovering alcoholic.
It is my personal experience that after getting sober, I had a lot of maturing to do. It is my understanding that most alcoholics become emotionally stunted at the time they become active in their alcoholism. That means for some they have the emotional maturity of a teenager or a very young adult.
I was also accustomed to stuffing my feelings and/or drowning them with alcohol.
In early sobriety (after 90 days), I was just beginning to feel emotions. I was overwhelmed with my *new* feelings. I can understand why counselors advise newly sober alcoholics not to make any changes in personal relationships during the first year, because dealing with my own emotions was taking all my energy! Dealing with a new relationship and especially someone else's recovery would be over the top.
I was married when I became sober and began recovery. I was married to an active alcoholic when I became sober. It was apparent that he had no intentions of joining me in sobriety. Our marriage ended in divorce. He later attempted sobriety and asked for my help. I knew that I could not work my recovery as well as his. I had to allow him the dignity of finding his own path.
My ex husband's sobriety did not last. He went back out. I am glad that I do not have any guilt over not doing enough to help him, nor can I be blamed for causing his failure. His recovery belonged to him, just as my own belongs to me.
Your daughter's recovery is a priority.
However, she is an adult and her choices are her own to make.
The 3 C's of her addiction:
You did not Cause it
You can not Control it
You will not Cure it
As a sober adult, she will may make mistakes. I hope she faces her mistakes with sobriety and a plan for a better future!
I hope you will stick around and make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed. We are here to support you.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
((worriedpa)) - Welcome to SR! You are definitely in the right place. I'm both a recovering addict and have loved ones who are still in active addiction/alcoholism. The people here have helped me, tremendously, as I'm sure they will you.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Awaiting Email Confirmation
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 3
Thank you Pelican,
I know that she is going to make mistakes.
I was just hoping they would not be arriving so soon.
If she is participating in high risk behavior I would rather know it.
I do not want to be caught completely off guard as I was when she was admitted into detox.
My wife and I also made a deal with her that we would pay for sober living as long as she is working the program that has been prescribed for her by the facility.
From what the counselor said she is not breaking a rule to which they would ask her to leave. But she is walking a very fine line.
What is the most disappointing for us is that she was really on the right path.
But now it seems that the old behavior is staring to creep it's way back in.
The lying, deceit and manipulation.
And the attitude that she has everything under control.
I am grateful to have found this site.
My wife and I also attended our first Al Anon meeting. Which was very helpful.
You are right that she is an adult who has to make her own choices.
And hopefully we make the right choices.
We want to support, not enable.
I know that she is going to make mistakes.
I was just hoping they would not be arriving so soon.
If she is participating in high risk behavior I would rather know it.
I do not want to be caught completely off guard as I was when she was admitted into detox.
My wife and I also made a deal with her that we would pay for sober living as long as she is working the program that has been prescribed for her by the facility.
From what the counselor said she is not breaking a rule to which they would ask her to leave. But she is walking a very fine line.
What is the most disappointing for us is that she was really on the right path.
But now it seems that the old behavior is staring to creep it's way back in.
The lying, deceit and manipulation.
And the attitude that she has everything under control.
I am grateful to have found this site.
My wife and I also attended our first Al Anon meeting. Which was very helpful.
You are right that she is an adult who has to make her own choices.
And hopefully we make the right choices.
We want to support, not enable.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
Welcome! I'm so sorry you're dealing with this.
I am married to an alcoholic. It's the hardest thing I've ever experienced.
Please stick around, read the boards and the stickies, and keep posting. This place has been a godsend for me.
I am married to an alcoholic. It's the hardest thing I've ever experienced.
Please stick around, read the boards and the stickies, and keep posting. This place has been a godsend for me.
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