Another bad day - when does this end?
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 336
Another bad day - when does this end?
Another bad day - I don't know what I feel - depressed, really sad or just hopeless. I struggle with the reality that AH after so long could not care less about me. And maybe what's even worse is that I realize it was all really for nothing. All the tears and pain achieved nothing except to keep me miserable. Now I find myself thinking at least when I was with him I always at least had hope that things would get better. Now I know that was an unrealistic wish I know his new gf has most likely accepted a ticket on that elevator to hell but I still feel so s***! I can barely summon up the energy to clean the house and my weight is plummeting. When I tried to cry today there weren't even any tears. How in five months was he able to move through all the stages of denial, anger, bargaining, grief and acceptance and not even bother to bargain, as well as form a new relationship and fall in love AND set up house with this other person. I am just lost.
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Oregon
Posts: 138
I am so sorry for your hurting. It is awful deep down. I was just posting almost the same thing as you. I miss my ex-a fiancé so much it's killing me today. I haven't eaten, slept much or even cleaned the house. I have no energy, I cry all the time but that is why TODAY we need to change that. I was just making a list of things I have to do, do I want to no, but if I don't my life will stay the same.
Ask yourself, do you want to continue to be sad? Or do you want to change? It's not easy but maybe making a list and doing the work will start the process. That is my thought for the day and I want to change, I don’t' want to feel this way and I'm sure you don't either.
I’m sure there is nothing you would not do to stop feeling this way, Right? Well I am feel the same way it just take energy and I’m in short supply and it sounds like you are to, but the only way out is straight through the feelings and eventually getting to the other side of you.
He is going to do whatever it is he is going to do, just like my ex-a, he is with another and it is killing me but she is just another of a long line of woman they will use and abuse plus in my case put in financially ruin.
Take care of you! We have right now, the past is the past, the present is this moment so to have a future it takes the steps we do now in the present to create it!
Ask yourself, do you want to continue to be sad? Or do you want to change? It's not easy but maybe making a list and doing the work will start the process. That is my thought for the day and I want to change, I don’t' want to feel this way and I'm sure you don't either.
I’m sure there is nothing you would not do to stop feeling this way, Right? Well I am feel the same way it just take energy and I’m in short supply and it sounds like you are to, but the only way out is straight through the feelings and eventually getting to the other side of you.
He is going to do whatever it is he is going to do, just like my ex-a, he is with another and it is killing me but she is just another of a long line of woman they will use and abuse plus in my case put in financially ruin.
Take care of you! We have right now, the past is the past, the present is this moment so to have a future it takes the steps we do now in the present to create it!
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Originally Posted by cr995 
How in five months was he able to move through all the stages of denial, anger, bargaining, grief and acceptance and not even bother to bargain, as well as form a new relationship and fall in love AND set up house with this other person. I am just lost.
I am so sorry you are hurting, but it does get better. I wish I could say when, but we both know it's unknown. All you can do is take care of yourself, one day at a time.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: SAN FRANCISCO
Posts: 1,176
Hi,
I am sorry to hear you've been hurting. Yeah a lot of people don't deal with the stages of grief at all they just get into a rebound relationship without facing reality or having any capacity for self reflection. Also you have to remember alcoholics tend to drown their feelings in booze so they don't have to face anything. If you continue to feel depressed, I would seek the advice of a therapist but it's pretty normal to feel really down after things have ended.
Take care of yourself and try to do something fun or at least peaceful...
I am sorry to hear you've been hurting. Yeah a lot of people don't deal with the stages of grief at all they just get into a rebound relationship without facing reality or having any capacity for self reflection. Also you have to remember alcoholics tend to drown their feelings in booze so they don't have to face anything. If you continue to feel depressed, I would seek the advice of a therapist but it's pretty normal to feel really down after things have ended.
Take care of yourself and try to do something fun or at least peaceful...
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Canada
Posts: 230
I'm sorry to hear that you are hurting. It hurts. I know the pain you are describing.
Try to take it one day at a time.. Go out. Do things that you find enjoyable. Read a good book. (Try 'codependent no more'). Have fun. Listen to music. Watch a great movie. The house cleaning will wait. Call a friend. Book a therapy session.
It is hard. I have been there, and truthfully, some days I am still there. It really is a roller coaster of emotions. Stay strong....you'll get through this.
Try to take it one day at a time.. Go out. Do things that you find enjoyable. Read a good book. (Try 'codependent no more'). Have fun. Listen to music. Watch a great movie. The house cleaning will wait. Call a friend. Book a therapy session.
It is hard. I have been there, and truthfully, some days I am still there. It really is a roller coaster of emotions. Stay strong....you'll get through this.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: texas
Posts: 103
I would bet you that he hasnt gone through all the stages yet, because he is not capable of going through the stages. I have learned that alcohol and sociopathy goes hand in hand sometimes.
My ExAB is uncapable of true feelings. He just goes through the motions. That is why he jumps from woman to woman like no big deal.
That is also part of the reason why he cant stay in a committed relationship. Mine has been married 3 times now. Thank goodness I was not one of them.
Just sit back and wait. Be patient as hard as it is. This relationship with your ex will not last. It will end up just like yours!!!!!
My ExAB is uncapable of true feelings. He just goes through the motions. That is why he jumps from woman to woman like no big deal.
That is also part of the reason why he cant stay in a committed relationship. Mine has been married 3 times now. Thank goodness I was not one of them.
Just sit back and wait. Be patient as hard as it is. This relationship with your ex will not last. It will end up just like yours!!!!!
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 237
I'm on a similar timescale I think to you (split up 5 months ago) and know how you feel. i realise this is a generalisation but alcoholism aside, someone told me that women often analyse the end of a relationship, do a full post mortem, properly grieve whereas some men move on quickly and can get into another relationship very soon afterwards and find it hits them months later. Just different ways of handling it. Add alcoholism into that and as others have said, he isn't able to deal and has probably drowned his sorrows. Doesn't mean you or your relationship weren't worth more but he can't see that now. I'm not a positive shining example of how I've moved on - I still cry regularly, feel sad and lost and wish things were different. But just wanted to say you're not alone.
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Arlington, Virginia
Posts: 12
I can totally relate to your pain. Feeling like you didn't matter and watching them move on to another woman is heartbreaking. When I broke up with my exABF I missed all the little things we did together -- playing cards, day trips, going to dinner etc.
At one point the pain was so great I decided to make a list of what I was missing most and see if I could have those things with another person. What I realized was that I was missing the relationship rather than missing him. I could certainly expect someone else to go to dinner and call me during the day as well as hang out and just enjoy each others company. I also figured out that I wouldn't have the drama and the craziness of being with someone who drank all day.
I got stuck for a long time on "the other woman". That was the hardest part for me. I couldn't figure out what he could get from her that he wasn't getting from me. After reading lots of posts on the forum I began to understand that he just needed someone who would let him drink more and give him a new place to live. In reality, I think her life is probably terrible because I know he's treating her the same way he treated me.
It's hard to miss the good things about them, but sometimes you need to look at the reality of the pain the relationship caused. Look at both sides and maybe that will help put things in perspective and ease your pain some. It's difficult to give them up, but sometimes it's worse to be with them.
At one point the pain was so great I decided to make a list of what I was missing most and see if I could have those things with another person. What I realized was that I was missing the relationship rather than missing him. I could certainly expect someone else to go to dinner and call me during the day as well as hang out and just enjoy each others company. I also figured out that I wouldn't have the drama and the craziness of being with someone who drank all day.
I got stuck for a long time on "the other woman". That was the hardest part for me. I couldn't figure out what he could get from her that he wasn't getting from me. After reading lots of posts on the forum I began to understand that he just needed someone who would let him drink more and give him a new place to live. In reality, I think her life is probably terrible because I know he's treating her the same way he treated me.
It's hard to miss the good things about them, but sometimes you need to look at the reality of the pain the relationship caused. Look at both sides and maybe that will help put things in perspective and ease your pain some. It's difficult to give them up, but sometimes it's worse to be with them.
Iceberg Ahead!
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Out at Sea
Posts: 1,177
The alcoholics and addicts who move right on like this - often not even bothering to break off an existing relationship until the other is formed - are people who lack what Bill W. referred to as "emotional sobriety." The AA Grapevine, Inc. (Jan. 1958). Such people are absolutely dependent on and demanding of other persons, and of their circumstances in life. They are lacking in personal integrity and true self-esteem (as opposed to esteem derived from others). Their relationships are about what they get out of the relationship rather than the relationship itself.
If they are actively drinking or using their addictive substance, person or activity, the addiction further compromises their emotional functioning through denial, dishonesty, distancing, numbing, unavailability and/or withdrawal. If they are in early sober recovery, they are just beginning to dethaw and, through their recovery program, to deal with their addiction-arrested, developmentally delayed and immature emotions. They are just "big babies" or "king babies" who are learning about their emotional limbs so they can later learn to crawl with those limbs. If they are merely sober, then they are just dethawing but not dealing - they act out by throwing discontented, irritable and restless "big baby" temper tantrums or by escaping from people and life's circumstances, demands and responsibilities.
It is only by working and living a good recovery program, and growing up or maturing (emotionally sobering up), that they can achieve balance, integrity and love in their own inner lives and in their relationships. And for those of us struck by their prior relationship hurricanes or debris, we get to bear most of the costs and clean-up.
If they are actively drinking or using their addictive substance, person or activity, the addiction further compromises their emotional functioning through denial, dishonesty, distancing, numbing, unavailability and/or withdrawal. If they are in early sober recovery, they are just beginning to dethaw and, through their recovery program, to deal with their addiction-arrested, developmentally delayed and immature emotions. They are just "big babies" or "king babies" who are learning about their emotional limbs so they can later learn to crawl with those limbs. If they are merely sober, then they are just dethawing but not dealing - they act out by throwing discontented, irritable and restless "big baby" temper tantrums or by escaping from people and life's circumstances, demands and responsibilities.
It is only by working and living a good recovery program, and growing up or maturing (emotionally sobering up), that they can achieve balance, integrity and love in their own inner lives and in their relationships. And for those of us struck by their prior relationship hurricanes or debris, we get to bear most of the costs and clean-up.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
How can he move on so quickly, you ask? Because he is sick. There's an old joke that explains this situation. How can you tell when two alcoholics have started dating? There's a moving van in one of their driveways!
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