KKE

Hi there

I am new to this and had put this thread in a different forum, I was advised to look here and think this might be a better place to post this. Sorry for any repetition if you have already read this.

So I have been living with my partners addiction for four years now. In the last two years his coping strategy has been to run away for a few days and go on benders. I wouldnt know where he is and it really was a waiting game for him to come home and assess the damage.

Last year he walked out on me, said he couldn't cope. He went to his mums. We still saw each other but it was up and down. He came back four months later saying that he had blamed me for a lot of things he shouldn't have etc. it didn't take long for his drinking to get out of control again and the cycle started again, on the wagon, off the wagon, running away, blaming me etc.

A month or so ago I got him to go and get help from our local drug and alcohol service. He stopped work for a while, and I supported him. I facilitated his one week home detox, even paid for someone to be here during the day while I was at work. The weekend of the detox (he took his sunday meds on Saturday) on the Saturday he started saying things like: I bring his anxiety levels up (his nurse has said he has an underlying anxiety issue), I do his head in, I don't make him happy and I am part of the reason for his drinking. It was an emotional roller coaster for a few days of him saying stuff like that then putting it down to stress. On the Tuesday (3days into recovery so no meds or drink) I got home and he had left. He said his head is messed up and I bring on his problems. He said that I am controlling. I told him I had to be because I was living with an alcoholic and was scared we wouldn't have money to pay bills etc if he had free reign of the finances etc.

It's been two weeks since he has left, he keeps saying he loves me but his head is screwed up. We were meant to meet yesterday to talk but he called and said his anxiety levels were up and he couldn't face me. He kept saying "I know you're going to go mental and I can't deal with it" he also said "you probably don't care but my anxiety is really high".

Help..... I am heartbroken....

Rosiepetal

Firstly you are not to blame. His addiction is his. You like many others here have tried to help your addict by love & support only to realise they have to do it on their own, and have to want to do it. I recently broke up with my alcoholic boyfriend & he blames the end of the relationship on everything but the drinking. I don't even think he sees what is going on.
I feel for you, hang in there, I'm sure others will give good advice.
Welcome to SR, we are here for you.
Sending hugs.

Titanic

Al-Anon meetings: for YOU.

P.S. Have to run & will be back later.

KKE

Thank you for your replies. Rosiepetal, not once since he has left or any other times he has left has he ever said anything along the lines of "yeah, me being an alcoholic and occasional use of crack when I go on huge benders may have put a bit of a strain on the relationship". It's always focused around me and my behaviour. So i totally get what you mean.

I went to my first alanon meeting today.... Wasn't relating too well to the god stuff but once the group started talking it was like they had read my mind. I cried through most of it.

I just find it so hurtful that he always chooses to reject and distance himself from me. I am always the person he lashes out at and I am always looking at my behaviour and questioning if it really is me that has bought on his anxiety which in turn causes him to drink.

lovesunandsnow

KKE,

I did the same thing. Always wondering if I really did push him to drink? Did I push too hard to help him? Well I don’t think so. I know I’m controlling and I’ve learned really quickly with him that I am a codependent.

Glad you went to a meeting and that will help and being on SR will help to. I’m sorry – it hurts so much when they run. My ex-a fiancé was a runner to. I haven’t seen him in three months and have not heard from in two month. He hates me and I’m to blame for everything that ever went wrong in his life. So sad to live like that. Even worse for me that I care.

Keep posting and the wonderful people on here will give you support. I’m new to this myself.

Today all I want to do is call him and hear his voice. I miss my ex-a something awful today but I know it will do nothing for me to call because for one he won’t talk to me and two what will I gain out of calling, nothing he will either ignore me or say nasty things if he does answer. So keep the faith and cry it will start to wash your feeling through you so eventually you can think and see again.

KKE

Ive tried to contact him today and have been ignored. It's something to do with our house and is quite important but yet again he's choosing to shirk his responsibilities. I'm not going to try again.

I think what also gets me is he allowed me to support him and as soon as he gets sober he runs away. Just feel used.

Rosiepetal

KKE you deserve more.
I personally think blame is just shifting guilt.
It used to get to me there was never an apology for his rude behaviour but now I think he really can't see what he's done. He's sick.
Glad you got to am meeting & let some emotion out. I'm still riding the rollercoaster of emotion but each day I get stronger. SR has been great for me so far.
We are all here for you & a lot of us are feeling the same way.
The more I educate myself the more I understand it, some of it though I may never understand but what I have learned has helped me.
Big hugs to you KKE.
Keep posting & learning.

fourmaggie

I would recomment Melody Beatties "Co dependent no more"

3C'su did not cause this
u can not control this
and there is no cure...

Hopeworks

KKE,

Alcoholism is progressive. If this is the best it will ever be and it is all downhill from here would it be enough for the rest of your life?

I know you are sad and confused and I have been there myself but keep going to alanon as you will gain a new perspective and healthier thinking about you and your own choices.

As for the God thing... I was agnostic at one time in my life and after a year of research changed my own personal viewpoint. The beautiful thing about alanon is the freedom it gives each person to determine for themselves what they believe to be true about their HP.

It does not even have to be a deity and many atheists use the group itself as their HP or something else. No one will try to force religion on you at an alanon meeting so please keep going for the support and wisdom you will find there.

The emotional roller coaster is not good for you and maybe this is a good time to stay seperated physically. We cannot be treated inappropriately and rudely unless we allow it... wouldn't he be surprised if you quit ringing him up, put his stuff his storage and changed the locks? Knowing you are crying your eyes out and sitting there waiting for his key to turn in the lock is empowering to manipulating addict. Keeping the enabler off center and in emotional turmoil can be very helpful for the active alcoholic to continue drinking.

HOpe that helps. Keep coming back.

KKE

It's funny you should say about waiting for the key to turn. Despite taking all of his things, he did not leave his front door key. Exactly the same as last year.

I spoke to him today, he has agreed to help with the house stuff and said he will see me on Saturday. It was nice hearing him say "I love you too" but I know it doesn't change much.

KKE

Surprise surprise...... Spoke to him today to go over some bits to do with the house stuff and he's basically shirked his responsibilities and in not so many words told me to get on with it. Basically we have some huge and expensive items - sofa, book case wardrobe, in his dads house that need moving and putting into storage by this weekend. I only found out a few days ago that his dad is moving this weekend. He keeps telling me that I can have it all but I know this is so he doesn't have to deal with the stress of it. I asked him "do you understand what you have done to me?" he just replied "I don't need this sh#t" and switched his phone off. Do most alcoholics find reality and responsibility hard to cope with? Just seems so unfair, my head is a total mess, this stuff is not going to be easy to shift, it's at HIS dads house and I am being told to sort it.

ZiggyB

You can't be blamed for someone else's drinking, as for the anxiety issue well alcohol makes that worse so if he is anxious it probably has a lot to do with the drinking. It's common for them to shift blame onto someone else. Like Rosiepetal, my x blamed everything that went wrong on me, not the drinking of course.

KKE

I find the whole anxiety thing really hard to understand. I feel like he only ever gets anxious around me! I don't know if this is because I refuse to stick my head in the sand like he does or because I need him to do things that involve making decisions and dealing with life like "which company shall we use to store our stuff" or "you have really hurt me". As soon as I talk about the impact of his behaviour he can't deal with it. He then uses that as the reason he suffers from anxiety and drinks.

Katiekate

He is either drinking or thinking about drinking.

This is real simple to figure out, once you get out of it, once I got out of it, I saw it all so clearly.

Honey, this is not your fault , you are not to blame, his anxiety is directly related to his drinking or lack thereof.

Him saying you are the reason he drinks is like you saying , you are the reason I breath, NOT.

Please, alanon, the truth is there. We are here, we care. Keep posting.

love to you Katie

KKE

Hi Katie

Just wondered Why you think he's drinking or thinking about it? I know he's been to the pub with his mates since detox but apparently he was on coke which is why i was interested in your thoughts?

Katiekate

Because he is complaining about being anxious, therefore can not see you, to me that translates to me, I am drinking, I know I can't drink around you so I can't see you.

On a side note, anyone who is getting sober , and is 3 days in and is serious about his sobriety does not go to a pub with his mates and drinnk coke.

KKE

Good points.... I wasn't sure if I was reading too much into the coke and pub thing. I thought its a bit too soon.

The anxiety thing he says will get worse if he sees me because he knows I going to be upset and angry. I think your translation of what he's saying could be quite accurate. I've never known anyone to run from situations like he does. As soon as I said to him yesterday "do you understand what you've done to me?", that was just too much for him, conversation terminated.....

Learn2Live

KKE, I think first you need to get off the roller coaster. You are allowing an alcoholic crackhead to dictate your feelings and your life. You likely do think you can control him, and I'm sure there's plenty he does to make you think you ARE controlling him. But you're not and you can't, no matter how much you love him or how much you show it. It's like trying to control the weather.

Second, quit playing the blame game. You're trapped in it. Stop blaming and you will stop allowing yourself to be blamed for his anxiety. The blame game is created by the alcoholism and addiction. It can take over your life. HIS anxiety is not YOUR problem. Stop letting him convince you that it is.

Is this YOUR house or does he also pay for it and is on the deed? If he doesn't and he isn't, then his responsibilities are zero. You may think he SHOULD BE responsible for these things because you are in a relationship with him, but you actually are NOT in a relationship with him, you are a hostage. The sooner you can get past the hurt feelings and the desires, and actually see that you are a hostage, the sooner your life will get better.

A man who smokes crack NEVER makes a good partner. It is inadvisable to try to be in a love relationship with a crackhead. Do not have unprotected sex with a crack user. Google cycle of cocaine addiction to learn about cocaine withdrawal and use.

Regarding the furniture, yes, of course he is leaving the responsibility for it to you. This is life with an alcoholic addict. Is it your furniture or his furniture? If it is yours, call a friend to help you get it. If it is not yours, let it go. It is not your problem.

Alcoholics and addicts have the uncanny ability to make us own their lives and responsibilities and take care of these things for them. They create an "Us" that actually does not exist. And we accept those responsibilities and make ourselves nuts trying to manage more than our fair share. He is NOT your responsibility. He is a leech.

KKE

Hi learn 2 live

The furniture belongs to both of us and is currently in his dads house. It's so big and heavy and I am struggling to move it. I've organised and paid for storage, even bought the bubble wrap! I could just do with his help moving it to storage as he has a van etc. I don't even have to be there, just need him to be responsible.....

He has left me in a house that has both of our names on the agreement. We both own a house together too as well as have joint accounts. The bank have said we both need to go in to a branch to get one of our names taken off.

I found out today that he hasn't been to see his detox nurse or key worker since he did the home detox, that's 2.5weeks now. So not looking good.

Thank you to everyone who is giving me help and advice, it's really helping.

FeelingGreat

Hi KKE
Regardless of your feelings, please take practical measures to disengage yourself financially from your partner; maybe get legal advice on how this can be done. Nothing about the way he's behaving seems right, and I hope you will protect yourself as much as you can despite the understandable distress you are going through.