Waiting for it to get better.... STILL?!?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Boston MA
Posts: 8
Waiting for it to get better.... STILL?!?
I'm very good at getting clean, and I'm also very good at relapsing. Until recently, the department in which I have been severely lacking is staying clean. That's kind of important.
I've been to a bunch of detoxes and a couple longer term treatments, but have never maintained complete abstinence out in the real world. I went to a 60-day residential program this summer and have been home for a little over a month now, and have managed to not get high or drunk. Fantastic. I am lucky because I do not have my dealers' numbers memorized, have cleared them from my phone, and they have not called me- I also have managed to cut all the "friends" who get high out of my life as well. Also fantastic. What's not so fantastic is that while I was using, I pushed away the one or two REAL friends I had so I could put more time and effort into getting high and constantly scheming for money. I am out of work with no prospects in my immediate future, no significant other, no kids. So what does that leave me with, everyone?
ME. Just me. Obviously I have struggled with being okay with myself in the past or else I would not have had the need to use drugs constantly, for years. I am used to working 8-12 hour days and hustling for the rest of the time I spent awake. Now suddenly I have an entire day to fill up, and using my favorite, most familiar and effective coping mechanism is no longer an option.
So I have been trying my best to fill my day with healthy activities- I go to the gym for at least an hour every day which has been great. I have enjoyed the physical improvements for sure, but was not expecting the mental and spiritual benefits to getting fit- I get a sort of calm and find that I do not get irritable/overreact as much after the gym.
Another benefit to having so much time on my hands is I am able to put ample time into my recovery- I read NA literature, and make it to at least a meeting a day, sometimes two (hurricane Sandy is doing her thing right now, so I had to stay in tonight... isn't turning out so bad because I found this forum). But here is the problem: I am great at going to meetings but terrible at asking for help. I just feel that I am so different from the other men there. I am gay, and it is pretty easy to tell once you see me talk or walk, and gay men are ridiculously sparse in NA. My entire life I have always gotten along much better with women, but at 12 step meetings they tell you to seek help from someone of your own gender. I have never had a real, genuine bond with a straight guy before; I feel that they judge immediately, and I have NO CLUE what I would say to them in conversation. "How 'bout them Pats? I love them almost as much as I love broads!" Yeah not happening.
I see how happy people are once they have a sponsor and feel like they BELONG to the group. I have been going to meetings near my home for almost 5 weeks now (4 of them, the same meeting every week) and I am still feeling like a total outsider. I have been trying to muster up the courage to raise my hand and speak at one... I guess that would probably help.
I don't know... I am not going to stop trying. I really, really, REALLY want to get a homegroup and feel like I belong but... I just have not quite gotten there yet.
I'm really glad I found this site.
I've been to a bunch of detoxes and a couple longer term treatments, but have never maintained complete abstinence out in the real world. I went to a 60-day residential program this summer and have been home for a little over a month now, and have managed to not get high or drunk. Fantastic. I am lucky because I do not have my dealers' numbers memorized, have cleared them from my phone, and they have not called me- I also have managed to cut all the "friends" who get high out of my life as well. Also fantastic. What's not so fantastic is that while I was using, I pushed away the one or two REAL friends I had so I could put more time and effort into getting high and constantly scheming for money. I am out of work with no prospects in my immediate future, no significant other, no kids. So what does that leave me with, everyone?
ME. Just me. Obviously I have struggled with being okay with myself in the past or else I would not have had the need to use drugs constantly, for years. I am used to working 8-12 hour days and hustling for the rest of the time I spent awake. Now suddenly I have an entire day to fill up, and using my favorite, most familiar and effective coping mechanism is no longer an option.
So I have been trying my best to fill my day with healthy activities- I go to the gym for at least an hour every day which has been great. I have enjoyed the physical improvements for sure, but was not expecting the mental and spiritual benefits to getting fit- I get a sort of calm and find that I do not get irritable/overreact as much after the gym.
Another benefit to having so much time on my hands is I am able to put ample time into my recovery- I read NA literature, and make it to at least a meeting a day, sometimes two (hurricane Sandy is doing her thing right now, so I had to stay in tonight... isn't turning out so bad because I found this forum). But here is the problem: I am great at going to meetings but terrible at asking for help. I just feel that I am so different from the other men there. I am gay, and it is pretty easy to tell once you see me talk or walk, and gay men are ridiculously sparse in NA. My entire life I have always gotten along much better with women, but at 12 step meetings they tell you to seek help from someone of your own gender. I have never had a real, genuine bond with a straight guy before; I feel that they judge immediately, and I have NO CLUE what I would say to them in conversation. "How 'bout them Pats? I love them almost as much as I love broads!" Yeah not happening.
I see how happy people are once they have a sponsor and feel like they BELONG to the group. I have been going to meetings near my home for almost 5 weeks now (4 of them, the same meeting every week) and I am still feeling like a total outsider. I have been trying to muster up the courage to raise my hand and speak at one... I guess that would probably help.
I don't know... I am not going to stop trying. I really, really, REALLY want to get a homegroup and feel like I belong but... I just have not quite gotten there yet.
I'm really glad I found this site.
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,960
Ask your higher power to send you your sponsor. It's about time you start recovering with those fabulous steps of recovery!
It took me 25 years to ask for help and to be brutally honest with them and me. Wow! What an amazing difference it has made!!
You can ask your HP and see what happens. Stay safe, strong, and sober!
Love & hugs,
It took me 25 years to ask for help and to be brutally honest with them and me. Wow! What an amazing difference it has made!!
You can ask your HP and see what happens. Stay safe, strong, and sober!
Love & hugs,
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Gatineau, QC, CA
Posts: 5,100
I can only imagine the diffilculty you face. But if it's worth something to you, the fact that you are gay is nohing to me or alchol for that matter. We are brothers in our diffilculty and there to support each other. I hate this judgment people have of gay's. My mom passed away in 2007, she was in AA for years, had 2 really good male friends that where gay. She enjoyed their friendship because they were in touch wifh their feelings. Crap I'm all over the place, sorry! I'm you friend is what I wanted to say ;-)
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: UK
Posts: 5,678
Really glad you found this site too Recoveryninja 
Have you come across any gay AA meetings? Maybe that would be worth checking out. There is also a GLBT forum here too, maybe some of the guys there could share their experience with you. I have heard of gay people having a sponsor who is the opposite gender so it has been done before...somewhere.
I'm sure you'll find SR really useful to you too, welcome x
Have you come across any gay AA meetings? Maybe that would be worth checking out. There is also a GLBT forum here too, maybe some of the guys there could share their experience with you. I have heard of gay people having a sponsor who is the opposite gender so it has been done before...somewhere.
I'm sure you'll find SR really useful to you too, welcome
x
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 25
You can do this man. Maybe try a different meeting? I'm straight as an arrow but one of my best friends is gay... In no way should that shape who you are in your recovery. I think you might be surprised to find in the recovery world that sexual orientation has absolutely nothing to do with the bond formed between those who are struggling and want to stay clean. It's a difficult road as it is and nobody deserves to be discriminated against for any reason... I think 99.9% would agree.
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