bunkie65

Is it what keeps me stuck? Holding on to something that may never be? Is it fear? Lack of Gods will and more guided by my own will, and not even consciously? The behaviors that I have that I have yet to change and come to awareness? Is it denial? Is it the pain I don't want to feel? Letting go of something I longed for and examining my motives? The pain of loneliness? The heartache of helplessness? The heartache of no matter what you say or do nothing gets through? The lack of ability to take better care of me? The obsession of what could be? The inventory of my own, where I question my actions and wonder should I have done things different? The lack of faith in m God of my understanding? The guilt that creeps in for doing things I knew better than to do? The boundries I struggle to enforce? The stubbonness of wanting what I want and when I want it?

I hate addiction; mine his and feel so saddened by my loved ones choice to keep using. Im trying to look at what I can change and allow him the dignity to live his life as he chooses. Even though our children/sons are without a father because of his choice. I refuse to let anger rule my life. Been there done that. Why does it seem so hard for me to let go, really let go!? I don't want to let go of hope and dreams. I love this man and yet he gives me crumbs. And I know his active addiction is a package lies, infedility, mood swings, self absortion, manipulation, and yet there are moments of hope as to the funny, thoughtful, intelligent man I met. Whay can't I surrender or let go? Why could I not just live and let live? Why can't he just surrender and stop using?

Im so sad inside and there is so much pain at times? I don't know even why? Maybe its the letting go process the grieving the loss? The loss of what I wanted, my hopes my dreams, my will? I don't really know what or how to feel? Its such a strange place to be? A place I really feel lost in, yet I have a sense of knowing that this is where Im suppose to be, dispite me trying to fight it.

Anybody been there? Where ever there is? What was your experience if you can relate? Thanks! Just looking for guidance and direction and healing, because I have made a decision to turn my life over to the care of God, now just trying to incorporate my will too! I did not even think it possiable to have a unconscious will, but im starting to think other wise! Good news is im not alone. There are millions of people that have been affected by some one elses drinking or drugging. Thank God there is place to go to heal, become healither, mentally, spiritually and emotionally. And tools to live my life one day at a time with peace aand serinty ...... learning to take care of me and keep the focous me is a challenge. To make real change in me and my life for the greater number has been alot of work, work I had thought I had done already. Guess Gods not done with me yet! So as painful as it can be and scary and confusing and uncomfortable and frustrating. At times im not giving up because I know the end results in the work that needs to be done will reep life rewarding benefits that are priceless.

mstrust

bunkie...
I feel your pain. I've had the worst week in regard to being unable to let go, and this is after I thought I was really getting a handle on things. It's occurred to me more and more that what hurts the most for me is DEFINITELY having to let go of a fantasy...what I thought it was, what I thought it could be, or would be if he only this or only that. I look back at the last year+ with my boyfriend and I can't deny that it has NEVER been what I thought. That is a hard realization too, one that has kept me up at night reviewing the past and recognizing what wasn't what I thought and feeling like a fool for thinking it was. I've been angry...still am a lot of the time. I've been more sad than anything else though.

Hang in there. It gets better with time. This is what I have to believe. I am almost completely done with the dream of him "seeing the light" and fixing it all. Now I do believe it's just the loss that I'm grieving. And rebuilding myself and my own life needs to be the main thing now, I know that just like you do. And I know the rewards will be priceless...it's just hard not to have moments, sometimes days, of feeling lost.

pep

Perhaps the process is a bit like death. We still love them even though they cannot be in our lives as they have been. I have grieved my loss of my husband and what I thought was reality. Sometimes we still hold on to dreams of what could be. I have edited my dreams because I want so much more than what they could have been with him. I hope you find courage to create new dreams. x

story74

Acceptance for me took awhile. I totally was holding on to the "fantasy" of who he was. For me, the more he hurt and disappointed, the more I let go and accepted. I still think of him. I think about everything he has missed. It is like a death. We are left with this shell that bares no resemblence to the person we once loved. It was an extreme roller coaster, but now its more like a gentle up and down. Ihow did I get here? I'm always letting myself feel and work out my emotions. I am still working on things...for example, today he pissed me off. I got mad and anxious. Why? I know why I'm scared, but I have nothing to fear. I am working on not letting him upset me.

Constant work on yourself. It isn't easy. It is very painful. But slowly over time, you let go.

ED1969

I spent the last five years spiraling down the drain of my wife's addiction....only to have my AW leave me, claim she was unhappy and the marriage wasn't working (as if that wasn't painfully apparent), and secretly proceed to become involved with someone from NA almost immediately after we became separated and begin a relationship without even discussing our future....I finally found out after 5 painful months of wrongly assuming we were both getting healthier and would examine our broken marriage together at some point....she may or may not be clean now, but she isn't recovering....yes, addiction is insidious...it has utterly destroyed my marriage and at some point the situation completely ruined my mental health.....I consider myself lucky now. I have regained my mental health, continue to actively recover through therapy, and have managed to let go of my wife and give her to God.....I never wanted it to go this way, but I will say it is still hard to maintain the gains I have made....you won't simply let go and be done with it....it is a process that must happen over and over until it sticks....I hope it does for me....and I hope those who struggle with this complicated step find the strength to make it stick as well....it is of paramount importance to emerging from the madness....