Sometimes I wish I never knew
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 20
Sometimes I wish I never knew
So my ABF and I have been together for three years. He has been a heroin/opiate addict for 11 years. I knew since the beginning that he was an addict, but the more time that goes on the more and more details I find out. Like for example. He just told me three weeks ago that he was high on heroin pretty much on a daily basis. Up until a year ago I thought that he only took pills. It hit me a lot harder when I found out that it was heroin he was high on. In any case, A couple of weeks ago he started (supposedly) taking subs (buying them off the street). I'm pretty sure he did this because he was just sick of hearing me "**** and moan" about everything he did, or in most cases, didn't do.
I try so hard not to get upset, or angry with him. I try so hard not to look in his pants pockets when he is in the shower, or look through his phone when he is in another room. I have become obsessed with his addiction. And really, sometimes I wish I just never knew. He has always treated me kindly, and the majority of my depression and anger/anxiety comes from the mere FACT that he is an addict. Not what he has done. I feel as though I make it so much worse than what it is. Because although yes, he is a serious addict, and yes, he goes through mood swings. Everyone I know goes through mood swings. Right? I hear horror stories of other addicts on here, and the things they have done. I am grateful that my ABF is who he is. Although I of course, hope that he gets ahold of his addiction. I feel as though me knowing has made it so much worse for ME. Otherwise, I could have just gone about my merry way, blissful and in love. Without a clue that his behavior has been caused by his dependency. Is it terrible to wish I was still clueless about this disease. And am I making it seem worse than it is?!
I try so hard not to get upset, or angry with him. I try so hard not to look in his pants pockets when he is in the shower, or look through his phone when he is in another room. I have become obsessed with his addiction. And really, sometimes I wish I just never knew. He has always treated me kindly, and the majority of my depression and anger/anxiety comes from the mere FACT that he is an addict. Not what he has done. I feel as though I make it so much worse than what it is. Because although yes, he is a serious addict, and yes, he goes through mood swings. Everyone I know goes through mood swings. Right? I hear horror stories of other addicts on here, and the things they have done. I am grateful that my ABF is who he is. Although I of course, hope that he gets ahold of his addiction. I feel as though me knowing has made it so much worse for ME. Otherwise, I could have just gone about my merry way, blissful and in love. Without a clue that his behavior has been caused by his dependency. Is it terrible to wish I was still clueless about this disease. And am I making it seem worse than it is?!
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
If he is an IV user I would have myself checked for STD's and not continue to have unprotected sex with him.
Since you seem to want to justify why you stay with him, then accept him for who he is..
a hard core drug addict. That acceptance should ease your obsessive mindset, it appears
that your entire focus is on him, his addiction, that is not healthy for you or your children.
My only concern is for your children who should never be exposed to addiction of any kind. They hear and see everything and will carry their childhood into adulthood. Not to
mention children of addicts have a 50% chance of inheriting the gene that predisposes them to addiction or marrying one themselves.
IMO minor children first, no exceptions, it is your responsibility to do the right thing for them. Addicts make crappy parents and the US Dept of Health Services considers children living in a home where addiction is present to be a form of child abuse, CPS can and will remove the children from the home. Might be time to rethink your path in life.
Since you seem to want to justify why you stay with him, then accept him for who he is..
a hard core drug addict. That acceptance should ease your obsessive mindset, it appears
that your entire focus is on him, his addiction, that is not healthy for you or your children.
My only concern is for your children who should never be exposed to addiction of any kind. They hear and see everything and will carry their childhood into adulthood. Not to
mention children of addicts have a 50% chance of inheriting the gene that predisposes them to addiction or marrying one themselves.
IMO minor children first, no exceptions, it is your responsibility to do the right thing for them. Addicts make crappy parents and the US Dept of Health Services considers children living in a home where addiction is present to be a form of child abuse, CPS can and will remove the children from the home. Might be time to rethink your path in life.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Maryland
Posts: 113
There is nothing easy about loving an addict. My AD recently left her ABF after living with him for 18 months. Before that she was "just" an alcoholic. Now she is addicted to heroin and cocaine. She has been detoxed and is trying to get her life back.
I am fairly new to these pages, but I can tell you that until I found the support to stop trying to "manage" my daughter's life, I was a basket case. I can imagine what it would be like to live with her, and I would not do that now. Even visits at our home are not happening for now.
I would not have believed that my daughter was capable of doing some of the things she has done to protect her addiction. Over time I have accepted that she was just doing what addicts do. It does no good to be shocked or hurt. I also had to learn that addicts are very secretive and dishonest. Who would want to boast about being an addict?
Living as an addict is never ok. I told my daughter many times that her choice was to get help or die. There is no acceptable level of addiction. But no amount of threatening or pleading would get her to treatment. The decision to get better had to be hers. But it was okay for me to say "I" can't live like this anymore. My feelings are legitimate and just because she had chosen to live an addicted life didn't mean I had to participate. I didn't choose this way of life. "I" can't make her choose the right thing so that "I" feel better. But "I" can choose to feel better regardless of her choices.
Keep coming back to these forums. I have been amazed at the change in my thinking. It helps so much to hear that other people really do know how you feel.
Don't wish to be clueless; get all the information and support that you can. Then make the choice to take care of yourself. You cannot take care of him.
I am fairly new to these pages, but I can tell you that until I found the support to stop trying to "manage" my daughter's life, I was a basket case. I can imagine what it would be like to live with her, and I would not do that now. Even visits at our home are not happening for now.
I would not have believed that my daughter was capable of doing some of the things she has done to protect her addiction. Over time I have accepted that she was just doing what addicts do. It does no good to be shocked or hurt. I also had to learn that addicts are very secretive and dishonest. Who would want to boast about being an addict?
Living as an addict is never ok. I told my daughter many times that her choice was to get help or die. There is no acceptable level of addiction. But no amount of threatening or pleading would get her to treatment. The decision to get better had to be hers. But it was okay for me to say "I" can't live like this anymore. My feelings are legitimate and just because she had chosen to live an addicted life didn't mean I had to participate. I didn't choose this way of life. "I" can't make her choose the right thing so that "I" feel better. But "I" can choose to feel better regardless of her choices.
Keep coming back to these forums. I have been amazed at the change in my thinking. It helps so much to hear that other people really do know how you feel.
Don't wish to be clueless; get all the information and support that you can. Then make the choice to take care of yourself. You cannot take care of him.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 93
Originally Posted by Jeanie84 
I feel as though I make it so much worse than what it is. Because although yes, he is a serious addict, and yes, he goes through mood swings. Everyone I know goes through mood swings. Right? I hear horror stories of other addicts on here, and the things they have done. I am grateful that my ABF is who he is. Although I of course, hope that he gets ahold of his addiction. I feel as though me knowing has made it so much worse for ME. Otherwise, I could have just gone about my merry way, blissful and in love. Without a clue that his behavior has been caused by his dependency. Is it terrible to wish I was still clueless about this disease. And am I making it seem worse than it is?!
The truth will set you free. The addict in your life can make choices for the better but only if HE wants to. It is so hard to "take your hands off the addict", I know, but it needs to be done. Your feelings are not invalid, you have every right to feel the ways that you do. The madness that accompanies and addict is truly on another level so please come here for support and don't fear other stories, not everyone is the same but you will find may patterns that can make you understand why things are the way they are...
Best wishes to you.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 493
Originally Posted by Jeanie84
I feel as though me knowing has made it so much worse for ME. Otherwise, I could have just gone about my merry way, blissful and in love. Without a clue that his behavior has been caused by his dependency. Is it terrible to wish I was still clueless about this disease. And am I making it seem worse than it is?!
Thank God you are educating yourself to addiction - for active addiction only has one end - tragedy and despair. Please look after yourself and in no way allow yourself to be lulled into this false sense of security.
To pretend all is okay - is a bit like the frog in the boiling water syndrome... put a frog into a pot of cold water and slowly turn up the heat. The frog adapts and managed the ever increasing temperature without leaping out of the pot. The temperature rises and rises. The frog keeps adapting. But eventually the water almost reaches boiling point. By now the frog can no longer adapt and the frog's vital organs start to shut down - but now it is too late for the frog to escape. And the frog dies.
'Knowledge is POWER'!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: MI
Posts: 452
You are definitely not making it seem worse than it is. If anything, you are minimizing the problem. From your post, it sounds like you are in a relationship with an active heroin addict who has no interest in recovery. The very fact that you are asking if you are making a big deal out of this tells me that you are woefully uneducated about what you are facing. My advice would be to get out of the relationship now, although I know that this in not what you want to hear.
I wouldn't assume that his comments to you about Subs are anything more than an attempt to placate you. Even if he did in fact buy them, it doesn't mean that he is thinking recovery - he may just want them on hand to ease withdrawal symptoms when he can't get his DOC.
Addiction is a progressive disease. While what you are living with now (in terms of his behavior) may be acceptable to you, know that things will get worse. And worse and worse and worse. It is inevitable unless he seeks and gets into recovery. Tolerance builds, addiction warps one's way of thinking, he will eventually have money problems (if he doesn't already). Manipulation, theft, betrayal, deceit. If he's not there already, he will get there unless he gets into recovery.
It's great that you have joined this forum. There is a lot of information and collective wisdom here about addiction, recovery and codependency. Unfortunately, I think that you are in for a rough ride no matter how this turns out. So sorry that you are going through this. Stick with us - you'll find a lot of support here.
I wouldn't assume that his comments to you about Subs are anything more than an attempt to placate you. Even if he did in fact buy them, it doesn't mean that he is thinking recovery - he may just want them on hand to ease withdrawal symptoms when he can't get his DOC.
Addiction is a progressive disease. While what you are living with now (in terms of his behavior) may be acceptable to you, know that things will get worse. And worse and worse and worse. It is inevitable unless he seeks and gets into recovery. Tolerance builds, addiction warps one's way of thinking, he will eventually have money problems (if he doesn't already). Manipulation, theft, betrayal, deceit. If he's not there already, he will get there unless he gets into recovery.
It's great that you have joined this forum. There is a lot of information and collective wisdom here about addiction, recovery and codependency. Unfortunately, I think that you are in for a rough ride no matter how this turns out. So sorry that you are going through this. Stick with us - you'll find a lot of support here.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 93
[QUOTE=Lara;3647118 - you would see this handsome, egmatic, successful, funny, gorgeous guy! But the secrets run deep. Dark memories lurk just around the corner - waiting for the opportunity to come alive again.....
[/QUOTE]
Lara,
This is an exact description of my EXABF...wow, you are so right, the darkness and secrets run deep.
[/QUOTE]
Lara,
This is an exact description of my EXABF...wow, you are so right, the darkness and secrets run deep.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 20
Dolly, he is not an IV user. He has always snorted or smoked his drugs. Not that that makes a difference but, it does make me feel a bit better that I will not find any needles around the house as somehow he is deathly afraid of them. I am not at all saying that there hasn't been terrible moments that have arisen out of this. He has done a handful of things to me that I fear has damaged my heart beyond repair. But I consistently try to remind myself (as he consistently tells me) not to take it personal. I know that he loves me (as much as he is capable of love). Yes, I wish it was more, so much more. But I recently made the decision that I loved him enough to have a child with him. We have a beautiful two month old baby. And since that baby has arrived my eyes have opened and I am afraid of the future. My ABF is normally a pretty quiet and reserved guy. But sometimes his quietness (knowing that a lot of it now is due to his being on drugs) makes me crippled with loneliness. I feel so STUCK insofar as I LOVE HIM, I love him dearly and do not want to just leave him as I am hopeful that one day in the future he will choose to get help. But yes, I am so grief stricken at times that he has not saught out that help yet. He is on the subs but I think he started them to throw me off as I am not even positive if he takes them regularly. I am so confused sometimes with this disease. Our addicts are "incapable" of seeing what their addiction does to themselves and others, so isn't that why we are here? To open their eyes and show them? Steer them towards a path of recovery? Not to abandon them so that it just gives them more reason to use. I know that I have become codependent. I know that I put up with a lot of things (mostly financial) that I certainly should not be putting up with. But I just keep thinking that if it were myself as the addict, I would not want my loved ones to back away, I would want them to help me gain the strength to want to get treatment. Not to enable but to support. I feel like a lot of people (on here and in real life) think I am crazy for putting up with him. With an Addict. But, I love him so much. If it were my daughter or son, or siblings or parents who were the addict, I don't think I could "leave" them either. Even though this disease has hurt me emotionally beyond belief. Ugh, I just don't know how to feel sometimes. It's all just so sad.
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: MI
Posts: 452
It's hard to "support" someone in active addiction without that support equaling enabling. I'm all in favor of supporting someone who is seriously pursuing recovery, but it doesn't sound like that's what's happening with your ABF. To the extent that you are supportive of him as an active user, you are just making it easier for him to keep using.
There's no such thing as helping an addict see what addiction is doing to him, or steering an addict towards recovery. It just doesn't work like that. Believe me, every one of us on this forum has tried this (and tried and tried....) The sad truth is that there is absolutely NOTHING you can do to make him want recovery; that has to be totally his thing. You CAN make it easier for him to use by making his life comfortable, covering things financially, covering for him in other ways ... and the addiction will progress.
He has to hit a point where he feels like his life is becoming/has become a mess and his addiction is to blame - where, IN HIS OWN MIND, the negative consequences of using outweigh the pleasures of getting high. You can't control that. Whether you take actions that you believe would make his life difficult (by leaving him, or something else), or whether you continue to make life easier for him, you can't control whether he chooses to use or not. There are a whole lot more variables involved than just you, including your ABF's own personal perceptions of things. That's why those of us who love addicts counsel ourselves and each other to refocus attention off the addict and onto ourselves -- we need to take care of US, do what's right for US and our children without regard to what the addict chooses to do or not do. Because you can't control him, can't trust what he says, and can't count on him to get clean. It's sad, but it's reality.
There's no such thing as helping an addict see what addiction is doing to him, or steering an addict towards recovery. It just doesn't work like that. Believe me, every one of us on this forum has tried this (and tried and tried....) The sad truth is that there is absolutely NOTHING you can do to make him want recovery; that has to be totally his thing. You CAN make it easier for him to use by making his life comfortable, covering things financially, covering for him in other ways ... and the addiction will progress.
He has to hit a point where he feels like his life is becoming/has become a mess and his addiction is to blame - where, IN HIS OWN MIND, the negative consequences of using outweigh the pleasures of getting high. You can't control that. Whether you take actions that you believe would make his life difficult (by leaving him, or something else), or whether you continue to make life easier for him, you can't control whether he chooses to use or not. There are a whole lot more variables involved than just you, including your ABF's own personal perceptions of things. That's why those of us who love addicts counsel ourselves and each other to refocus attention off the addict and onto ourselves -- we need to take care of US, do what's right for US and our children without regard to what the addict chooses to do or not do. Because you can't control him, can't trust what he says, and can't count on him to get clean. It's sad, but it's reality.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
" I am hopeful that one day in the future he will choose to get help."
Hope away, however, keep in mind that you first responsibility is to your child...every
child deserves one responsible parent and he is not it.
Hope away, however, keep in mind that you first responsibility is to your child...every
child deserves one responsible parent and he is not it.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
A direct quote from a RA - "Addicts that seek recovery end up resenting and/or leaving their enabler." Most children grow up to resent/blame the codependent parent more then the addict. Just something to think about.
Cynical One has a great blog. There is a great article about how very few relationships survive "recovery."
As I was cautioned over and over again but had to learn the hard way, recovery is nothing like the fantasy I imagined it would be.
Cynical One has a great blog. There is a great article about how very few relationships survive "recovery."
As I was cautioned over and over again but had to learn the hard way, recovery is nothing like the fantasy I imagined it would be.
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
Originally Posted by Lara
You have joined the right place - SR! Unfortunately what you will learn here - is that addiction always follows the same path. Yes, at the beginning of your journey with your addict it might 'seem' different to others here on SR... perhaps even the middle of your journey might be different.. with no real 'hell stories'. But eventually, be it now, tomorrow, next week, next month, next year - or even 10 years from now - your path will cross with all the others here on SR... and the end is always the same. Addiction is a progressive disease. Thank God you have not had to witness any of the 'horror stories' - not YET! I do not mean to fill you with dread and fear - but I believed the addict in my life was different. I was closely involved in his life for over 15 years - and yet I had NO IDEA of the truth. What he got up to. What he did to hide his addiction. What he did in active addiction. Makes my stomach turn. And when you see him today (he is not in active addiction - he was addicted to cocaine) - you would see this handsome, egmatic, successful, funny, gorgeous guy! But the secrets run deep. Dark memories lurk just around the corner - waiting for the opportunity to come alive again.....
Thank God you are educating yourself to addiction - for active addiction only has one end - tragedy and despair. Please look after yourself and in no way allow yourself to be lulled into this false sense of security.
To pretend all is okay - is a bit like the frog in the boiling water syndrome... put a frog into a pot of cold water and slowly turn up the heat. The frog adapts and managed the ever increasing temperature without leaping out of the pot. The temperature rises and rises. The frog keeps adapting. But eventually the water almost reaches boiling point. By now the frog can no longer adapt and the frog's vital organs start to shut down - but now it is too late for the frog to escape. And the frog dies.
'Knowledge is POWER'!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thank God you are educating yourself to addiction - for active addiction only has one end - tragedy and despair. Please look after yourself and in no way allow yourself to be lulled into this false sense of security.
To pretend all is okay - is a bit like the frog in the boiling water syndrome... put a frog into a pot of cold water and slowly turn up the heat. The frog adapts and managed the ever increasing temperature without leaping out of the pot. The temperature rises and rises. The frog keeps adapting. But eventually the water almost reaches boiling point. By now the frog can no longer adapt and the frog's vital organs start to shut down - but now it is too late for the frog to escape. And the frog dies.
'Knowledge is POWER'!!!!!!!!!!!!!
That was one of the true "best pieces" I have read on SR.
We thank you for it.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 493
Originally Posted by Vale
================================================== ====
That was one of the true "best pieces" I have read on SR.
We thank you for it.
That was one of the true "best pieces" I have read on SR.
We thank you for it.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 528
Living in blissful ignorance may seem like a great option, but the truth is there will always be a payday when it comes to drugs. It is much better to be in reality and make healthy decisions based on truth. And trust me, get yourself checked for STDs, especially HIV and Hepatitis. Addicts are chronic cheaters and IV drug users are at great risk for blood borne diseases.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 493
Originally Posted by Jeanie84
Our addicts are "incapable" of seeing what their addiction does to themselves and others, so isn't that why we are here? To open their eyes and show them? Steer them towards a path of recovery? Not to abandon them so that it just gives them more reason to use. I know that I have become codependent. I know that I put up with a lot of things (mostly financial) that I certainly should not be putting up with. But I just keep thinking that if it were myself as the addict, I would not want my loved ones to back away, I would want them to help me gain the strength to want to get treatment. Not to enable but to support. I feel like a lot of people (on here and in real life) think I am crazy for putting up with him. With an Addict. But, I love him so much. If it were my daughter or son, or siblings or parents who were the addict, I don't think I could "leave" them either. Even though this disease has hurt me emotionally beyond belief. Ugh, I just don't know how to feel sometimes. It's all just so sad.
What I am trying to say is that I completely felt as you do. I believed LOVE and LOVING another human being - meant COMPLETELY sacrificing EVERYTHING For that other person. I came from an alcoholic background - my dad, whom I loved and ADORED was an alcoholic - and only now (at the age of 38 - after joining SR because of my cocaine addicted love of my life - do I realise the damage it caused - that i was totally co-dependent)...
Jeanie - you HAVE to understand that loving an addict is NOT enough!!!!!!!!!!! That you cannot love an addict to health. And this is the mistake any UNINFORMED person makes. Jeanie, I had NO IDEA of the power of addiction. Addiction (or anyone in active addiction) means that the first love for that addict is the drug; the first thought on their mind upon waking is the drug; and the last thought is the drug; and when you watch your addict sleep - their fitfull, anxious half-sleep - the brain is so rewired - that all it is thinking of is drugs!!!!!!!!
If you really love this person - but I ask you seriously 'do you REALLY love him????" For a truly healthy person would not in all probability stick around. yes, I understand (and this is one of those dreadful traps that keeps us here) - is that 'what about love for a son, a daughter, a spouse - what about 'unconditional love'??? How can I possibly desert my loved one???God loves us all unconditionally - so why can't I???
Yes, all the above is true.... BUT, IF, YOU are not healthy - then you cannot possibly, truly love another. So when I say' do you really love this man?' - I am asking you - is the love unconditional? Is it with hope, based on future plans? Is it without conditions? For most people in an addictive relationship (hell, most people in ANY relationship) place RIDICULOUS expectations on the other person (and even more ridiculous expectations on an addict - for you should never place ANY expectations on an addict - not even to feed the cat!)
The only way you can truly help this man you love - and demonstrate true unconditional love - is realising that right now you are only governed by your EGO - and the deep desire to 'make things right' and 'fix' the man you love. You might not have considered this at the moment - but there is always a pay off - what is yours? Why do you want your BF healthy? What are the reasons? Will it make you feel better? Will it make YOU happier? What does he give you? What truly can he, whilst in active addiction offer your 2 month old baby? What could he offer you if he were sober??
Once you honestly answer these questions - then you need to sit down quietly - take a deep breath - say a prayer... and then let it all go!!!!!!!!!
You CANNOT help him! Only HE can help himself with the grace of God. And Jeanie I truly know how tough this concept is to grasp. Believe me I do!!!!! But you HAVE to just accept it - that by hanging on to him- you are only enabling him... you need to let him find his own recovery. And if you are in a strong place with your OWN recovery - and IF he asks you to be involved with HIS recovery - then perhaps you can share... but the question again - is why on earth would you want to be involved with an addicts recovery? God has granted you the gift of life - this life is only lived once - it is so precious. God did not intend for you to waste your life sitting in the cheap seats - watching some low grade theatrical production on an addict's life....
If you and your BF are truly destined to be together - and many of us here on SR do believe in destiny - then trust in God and trust in this universe... give yourself space and time to educate yourself to addiction... give you BF space to find his own way. Do not be afraid of time apart - for TRULY - if your relationship is meant to be - it will be - even 10 years from now.
But the most important thing to understand is that by chosing to leave - by chosing to focus on yourself - and by understanding the nature of addiction - that you CANNOT love your BF better - that it is OKAY to let go - you will be doing yourself the greatest favour... trust in God - step back... and get on with your OWN life. Your BF is only living half a lilfe. As long as your stay the you too are only living half your life. Two halves in life don't make a whole....And your beautiful little baby needs a WHOLE. A mother who is healthy and happy!!!!! God bless you.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 528
Originally Posted by Jeanie84
Our addicts are "incapable" of seeing what their addiction does to themselves and others, so isn't that why we are here? To open their eyes and show them? Steer them towards a path of recovery? Not to abandon them so that it just gives them more reason to use.
Its not my job to open the eyes of adults to anything. It is my job to put up healthy boundaries that protect myself and the children from further abuse and chaos brought into our lives due to addiction. My AH is a fully functioning adult, if my boundaries affect him to the point that it opens his eyes to where he has gone due to addictin, then so be it. Sometimes loving someone means saying, I'm not going to sit here any longer and watch as you make destructive choices. Or I love you enough that Im removing your children from watching you destroy yourself. Or I love you enough to let you make your own choices on how to live your life. Im also learning to love myself enough to say I deserve to have healthy boundaries. I deserve to not be in a relationship where I come a distant second to drugs. I deserve to raise my kids in a peaceful home. And maybe one day, I deserve to experience real love, not this intense feeling of being needed becsuse I am needy that I mistake as love.
Nothing you, I or anyone else her says or does has caused, made better or worse, or cured anyones addiction. And Speaking for myself, I absolutely refuse to be held hostage to the fear that something I do or dont do can or will make someones addiction better or worse. That is not my responsibility, nor is it yours. Responsibility falls square on the head of the excuse making drug user (period)
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 20
"If you and your BF are truly destined to be together - and many of us here on SR do believe in destiny - then trust in God and trust in this universe... give yourself space and time to educate yourself to addiction... give you BF space to find his own way. Do not be afraid of time apart - for TRULY - if your relationship is meant to be - it will be - even 10 years from now."
Lara, thank you for that statement as it appears to be the only positive thing said here. I may not have dealt with addiction personally. I may not have dealt with it through someone else for an extremely significant period of time. And I am certainly not an expert on the topic by any means. But I have been introduced to it and learned quite a few things the past three years during my experience with addiction. I am here to learn more, not to become more depressed and hopeless. Even with addiction in our lives my ABF and I have still grown together and have learned to understand each other in many different ways. I suppose that I am too stubborn. Perhaps I am not "ready" to give up and walk away. As I struggle through the throes of addiction, I have good days and bad days with it. As everyone else here does I am sure. But the one thing that I refuse to give up on is the fact that I Believe we are all here for a reason. If we do not fret the past, and do not fret the future, but merely "live in the Moment", then we are exactly where we are supposed to be to learn our "life lesson(s)". I am with this man because I want to be and because yes, I love him. I love him dearly. No it is not easy, and no everyday is not at all euphoric for me. But I am going to put up with him, and him me, until we are both unable to put up eith each other. I do keep my faith and I do keep hope that someday he will be clean. Yes, a lot of hardships have come up in my life since we have been together. But a lot of hardships came up before as well. I am trying to get support on ways to deal with him. On tactics that I can use to approach certain situations to make them better and not worse. I came to this site for people to lean on who have been in my shoes. And I came here to better myself and my understanding of this disease. But I did not come here to be told immediately that the best thing I can do is to leave him. I believe that we are together for a reason. And perhaps I have no right to ask for support when it is my choice to stay with him. I know that there is nothing I can do for him. And I came here so that I can learn how to live that way instead of letting my emotions about his addiction try to control him. So I suppose what I am trying to say is that until I am done, I'll be sticking it out with this man that I love. And when or if I am ready to leave and move on, then that's what I'll do. But until then, it is what it is.
Lara, thank you for that statement as it appears to be the only positive thing said here. I may not have dealt with addiction personally. I may not have dealt with it through someone else for an extremely significant period of time. And I am certainly not an expert on the topic by any means. But I have been introduced to it and learned quite a few things the past three years during my experience with addiction. I am here to learn more, not to become more depressed and hopeless. Even with addiction in our lives my ABF and I have still grown together and have learned to understand each other in many different ways. I suppose that I am too stubborn. Perhaps I am not "ready" to give up and walk away. As I struggle through the throes of addiction, I have good days and bad days with it. As everyone else here does I am sure. But the one thing that I refuse to give up on is the fact that I Believe we are all here for a reason. If we do not fret the past, and do not fret the future, but merely "live in the Moment", then we are exactly where we are supposed to be to learn our "life lesson(s)". I am with this man because I want to be and because yes, I love him. I love him dearly. No it is not easy, and no everyday is not at all euphoric for me. But I am going to put up with him, and him me, until we are both unable to put up eith each other. I do keep my faith and I do keep hope that someday he will be clean. Yes, a lot of hardships have come up in my life since we have been together. But a lot of hardships came up before as well. I am trying to get support on ways to deal with him. On tactics that I can use to approach certain situations to make them better and not worse. I came to this site for people to lean on who have been in my shoes. And I came here to better myself and my understanding of this disease. But I did not come here to be told immediately that the best thing I can do is to leave him. I believe that we are together for a reason. And perhaps I have no right to ask for support when it is my choice to stay with him. I know that there is nothing I can do for him. And I came here so that I can learn how to live that way instead of letting my emotions about his addiction try to control him. So I suppose what I am trying to say is that until I am done, I'll be sticking it out with this man that I love. And when or if I am ready to leave and move on, then that's what I'll do. But until then, it is what it is.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 793
Don't be so sure he's not using needles. My RAD was terribly afraid of needles her whole life, and I would have never suspected she'd shoot up either. Alas, she did eventually, probably because its faster and more intense that way. Be careful and get yourself tested anyway, that's my 2 cents. Take care.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
Jeanie84 wrote:
But I did not come here to be told immediately that the best thing I can do is to leave him.
I believe that we are together for a reason. And perhaps I have no right to ask for support
when it is my choice to stay with him.
Dear Jeane84,
One of the limitations of human interaction is that different people are at different
points in their journey.It frustrates those who have walked the path and say "No,No,
NOOO!---don't open that door!---WE KNOW what happens!!"
It is difficult to offer counsel without elements of patronization and/or condescension
rearing their ugly heads,bringing more hurt to the table.....needless hurt.
A very,very long time ago I taught a specialized skill to people just starting out.One of
the things I learned was that bad teachers never let their students stray 1 inch off "the
path".The best ones let their students make mistakes and learn from them,while keeping
a watchful eye out for any fatal ones with the potential to take you both to the hereafter.
(as fatal events make for a decidedly suboptimal learning experience).
SR (at it's best) is a navigational information service.A compendium of experience
accessible for free for anyone with an internet conection.It can be an invaluable resource
----telling you where the rocks are,as well as the hurricanes.
What it cannot be (what no navigational informational source can EVER be)
is a substitute for the command element.That special set of knowledge,temperament,experiences,
and skillsets that define that which you call "self".NOONE here can tell you (with certainty)...
how your story will turn out.
Even those well invested in the supernatural cannot determine tomorrows lottery numbers.
What too often slips in the door, however,is unhelpful.About as unhelpful as a
person who has mastered differential equations walking into a second grade classroom and
saying "MY GOD! You haven't got your multiplication tables down yet!?!".
Patronization and condescension have no place here.They serve no useful purpose.
The students lock up,learning ends,and self doubt is given an open door to wreck lives.
You do what you need to do.The experiences of SR members are your charts---perhaps you
may see things that help you,perhaps patterns you recognize.Know in your heart that each thing
you read was written from the heart,and signed with blood,sweat,tears,and sorrow---in the hope
that others may be helped.Those that came before you were not 'dumb codependents' or 'useless
addicts'.....they were (and are) human beings.
Each with a story to tell.Each with a hope that someone will listen.
She's your ship,Captain.
Take her out to sea.Do so confidently and with the knowlege that you sail with all our
best hopes,best wishes,and.....
(above all)
....respect.
But I did not come here to be told immediately that the best thing I can do is to leave him.
I believe that we are together for a reason. And perhaps I have no right to ask for support
when it is my choice to stay with him.
Dear Jeane84,
One of the limitations of human interaction is that different people are at different
points in their journey.It frustrates those who have walked the path and say "No,No,
NOOO!---don't open that door!---WE KNOW what happens!!"
It is difficult to offer counsel without elements of patronization and/or condescension
rearing their ugly heads,bringing more hurt to the table.....needless hurt.
A very,very long time ago I taught a specialized skill to people just starting out.One of
the things I learned was that bad teachers never let their students stray 1 inch off "the
path".The best ones let their students make mistakes and learn from them,while keeping
a watchful eye out for any fatal ones with the potential to take you both to the hereafter.
(as fatal events make for a decidedly suboptimal learning experience).
SR (at it's best) is a navigational information service.A compendium of experience
accessible for free for anyone with an internet conection.It can be an invaluable resource
----telling you where the rocks are,as well as the hurricanes.
What it cannot be (what no navigational informational source can EVER be)
is a substitute for the command element.That special set of knowledge,temperament,experiences,
and skillsets that define that which you call "self".NOONE here can tell you (with certainty)...
how your story will turn out.
Even those well invested in the supernatural cannot determine tomorrows lottery numbers.
What too often slips in the door, however,is unhelpful.About as unhelpful as a
person who has mastered differential equations walking into a second grade classroom and
saying "MY GOD! You haven't got your multiplication tables down yet!?!".
Patronization and condescension have no place here.They serve no useful purpose.
The students lock up,learning ends,and self doubt is given an open door to wreck lives.
You do what you need to do.The experiences of SR members are your charts---perhaps you
may see things that help you,perhaps patterns you recognize.Know in your heart that each thing
you read was written from the heart,and signed with blood,sweat,tears,and sorrow---in the hope
that others may be helped.Those that came before you were not 'dumb codependents' or 'useless
addicts'.....they were (and are) human beings.
Each with a story to tell.Each with a hope that someone will listen.
She's your ship,Captain.
Take her out to sea.Do so confidently and with the knowlege that you sail with all our
best hopes,best wishes,and.....
(above all)
....respect.
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