Can't seem to let go of the past...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 2
Can't seem to let go of the past...
Hi all
I have been with my girlfriend for 6 years.
9 months ago she went into AA and has quit drinking. The change in her is huge. She is a much calmer, kinder person now, and is trying really hard to be a good person.
Before she joined AA, she was a difficult girlfriend. Extremely moody (almost manic), a quick temper, super sensitive, and in general not very nice to me. I felt she used to keep pushing my buttons until I would get angry and shout at her.
I would say she was difficult from the beginning of our relationship. (Obviously she has good points so I was able to see past her issues. Also, I'm a fairly patient person.)
About a year ago I moved out because I felt we had reached a stage where I was constantly expecting her to blow up at me, and I felt I was getting close to hitting her because she was really, really trying hard to push my buttons.
So I said enough is enough and I moved out. I felt I sort of hated her at that stage. The idea of having sex with her disgusted me, and in general I felt a very very large amount of resentment towards her.
(Note: previous to this we would try to talk about her issues, and she would apologise and say she will change and would try to change, but in reality she never changed...because she continued drinking.)
Fast forward to 3 months ago and she has been in AA for a while and has really changed. It seems the alcohol was making her crazy, and also working the 12 steps (I think she's on step 8 now) really helped her think about things and become a better person.
So without a doubt, she is now a better person and 95% of the old crap she used to do is gone.
However I can't seem to be able to let go of the past. I feel our connection is broken. I feel I tolerated too much for too long and a line was crossed. So even though she is now a great person, our relationship feels dead. I still don't want to be intimate with her.
Question:
Is this normal for partners of recovering addicts?
Should I just accept the relationship is over and move on? (I am very reluctant to do this because I do love her and think it is great she has changed, but I feel so detached from her now.)
The current state of the relationship is unfair on her (and me) so something needs to change.
Any advice would be really appreciated.
Thanks.
I have been with my girlfriend for 6 years.
9 months ago she went into AA and has quit drinking. The change in her is huge. She is a much calmer, kinder person now, and is trying really hard to be a good person.
Before she joined AA, she was a difficult girlfriend. Extremely moody (almost manic), a quick temper, super sensitive, and in general not very nice to me. I felt she used to keep pushing my buttons until I would get angry and shout at her.
I would say she was difficult from the beginning of our relationship. (Obviously she has good points so I was able to see past her issues. Also, I'm a fairly patient person.)
About a year ago I moved out because I felt we had reached a stage where I was constantly expecting her to blow up at me, and I felt I was getting close to hitting her because she was really, really trying hard to push my buttons.
So I said enough is enough and I moved out. I felt I sort of hated her at that stage. The idea of having sex with her disgusted me, and in general I felt a very very large amount of resentment towards her.
(Note: previous to this we would try to talk about her issues, and she would apologise and say she will change and would try to change, but in reality she never changed...because she continued drinking.)
Fast forward to 3 months ago and she has been in AA for a while and has really changed. It seems the alcohol was making her crazy, and also working the 12 steps (I think she's on step 8 now) really helped her think about things and become a better person.
So without a doubt, she is now a better person and 95% of the old crap she used to do is gone.
However I can't seem to be able to let go of the past. I feel our connection is broken. I feel I tolerated too much for too long and a line was crossed. So even though she is now a great person, our relationship feels dead. I still don't want to be intimate with her.
Question:
Is this normal for partners of recovering addicts?
Should I just accept the relationship is over and move on? (I am very reluctant to do this because I do love her and think it is great she has changed, but I feel so detached from her now.)
The current state of the relationship is unfair on her (and me) so something needs to change.
Any advice would be really appreciated.
Thanks.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
Boyfriend-
Have you consider Al-Anon for yourself? I have found it to be invaluable (in addition to individual therapy).
I did a lot of reading about addictions which helped me also.
My relationship did not survive....but my loved one with alchol concerns was not interested in help. I believe it takes both people in a relationship working their individual recoveries to make a relationship work.
Have you consider Al-Anon for yourself? I have found it to be invaluable (in addition to individual therapy).
I did a lot of reading about addictions which helped me also.
My relationship did not survive....but my loved one with alchol concerns was not interested in help. I believe it takes both people in a relationship working their individual recoveries to make a relationship work.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 2
Thank you for your reply.
I have tried to go to Al-Anon but unfortunately there isn't an English language one where I live. (I am currently living in China.)
Do you think my feelings are "normal" - even though she is a better person now I feel too much damage was done - and do you know if relationships commonly end after the alcoholic has gone into recovery?
I don't know anyone in my situation so I am quite confused.
I have tried to go to Al-Anon but unfortunately there isn't an English language one where I live. (I am currently living in China.)
Do you think my feelings are "normal" - even though she is a better person now I feel too much damage was done - and do you know if relationships commonly end after the alcoholic has gone into recovery?
I don't know anyone in my situation so I am quite confused.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
All I know is that it can be challenging on all involved.
I also know this. That I was struggling with issues prior to my relationship with an alcoholic....that if I did not sit with and work out I would have gotten into another relationship with someone else that struggled. That might not be the case for everyone but I know it would have been for me.
I also know that I go to Al-Anon with a couple of great 1/2 of couples where the partner (or both of them) are in AA.
How about "Co-Dependent No More" by Melody Beattie. That helped too.
More will be along soon.
I can't say if your particular emotions are normal...but I was a mess of a lot of emotions both during the active drinking, and when we seperated and I started working my recovery. It seemed that the calmness with not having him around any more brought up a deep well of emotions for me (similar to the calmness when someone has stopped drinking).
I also know this. That I was struggling with issues prior to my relationship with an alcoholic....that if I did not sit with and work out I would have gotten into another relationship with someone else that struggled. That might not be the case for everyone but I know it would have been for me.
I also know that I go to Al-Anon with a couple of great 1/2 of couples where the partner (or both of them) are in AA.
How about "Co-Dependent No More" by Melody Beattie. That helped too.
More will be along soon.
I can't say if your particular emotions are normal...but I was a mess of a lot of emotions both during the active drinking, and when we seperated and I started working my recovery. It seemed that the calmness with not having him around any more brought up a deep well of emotions for me (similar to the calmness when someone has stopped drinking).
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 48
My RAH has been sober a few weeks; he is serious about his recovery, is going to meetings daily and has a sponsor.
If he did this earlier in our relationship or before his alcoholism escalated to the degree that it did, we might have been okay. Alcoholism is a progressive disease.
However, he didn't and somewhere along the way, a fundamental trust was broken.
I can't feel comfortable with someone whom I can't trust. He has hurt me in so many ways, but can't remember the words that he said or even some of the actions. Going back to the relationship would mean letting go of the past, and I don't think that I'm in the place in my recovery where that is possible. He's just done so much that sorting through it all is going to take me a great deal of time and I don't think that I can be near him while I do it.
Trust has to be in place before sexual intimacy can occur. A therapist once told me that sex was usually the last thing to go in a relationship. In many ways, I think that it is also the last thing to come back in a relationship which is being renewed.
I really don't know how trust gets reestablished if it ever does. I think that it's time and who knows how much time you'll need. I don't know myself.
If he did this earlier in our relationship or before his alcoholism escalated to the degree that it did, we might have been okay. Alcoholism is a progressive disease.
However, he didn't and somewhere along the way, a fundamental trust was broken.
I can't feel comfortable with someone whom I can't trust. He has hurt me in so many ways, but can't remember the words that he said or even some of the actions. Going back to the relationship would mean letting go of the past, and I don't think that I'm in the place in my recovery where that is possible. He's just done so much that sorting through it all is going to take me a great deal of time and I don't think that I can be near him while I do it.
Trust has to be in place before sexual intimacy can occur. A therapist once told me that sex was usually the last thing to go in a relationship. In many ways, I think that it is also the last thing to come back in a relationship which is being renewed.
I really don't know how trust gets reestablished if it ever does. I think that it's time and who knows how much time you'll need. I don't know myself.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Dear Boyfriend, I know almost nothing about your relationship. but there are a couple of general statements that can be made.
When one (or both) persons in a relationship quit drinking---the dynamics of the relationship are changed. It is not the same relationship as before. This must be considered. It is usually assumed that if the A just stops drinking that everything becomes lovely.
You mentioned that she was a "difficult" girlfriend from the beginning. I think it would be an important learning experience for you to understand why you felt more when she was difficult than you do now that she isn"t. It might be possible that you have some tendencies of your own that draw you toward drama or persons that need to be "saved". When you do your reading on co-dependency, and learn through alanon, etc......you will, no doubt, discover much about yourself.
Even if this relationship doesn't last for the long haul---all that you learn now will become even more valuable when embarking on any future relationships.
I offer this as food for thought.
dandylion
When one (or both) persons in a relationship quit drinking---the dynamics of the relationship are changed. It is not the same relationship as before. This must be considered. It is usually assumed that if the A just stops drinking that everything becomes lovely.
You mentioned that she was a "difficult" girlfriend from the beginning. I think it would be an important learning experience for you to understand why you felt more when she was difficult than you do now that she isn"t. It might be possible that you have some tendencies of your own that draw you toward drama or persons that need to be "saved". When you do your reading on co-dependency, and learn through alanon, etc......you will, no doubt, discover much about yourself.
Even if this relationship doesn't last for the long haul---all that you learn now will become even more valuable when embarking on any future relationships.
I offer this as food for thought.
dandylion
Iceberg Ahead!
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Out at Sea
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There are always online chat as well as telephonic meetings of Al-Anon; find them here after clicking Document Full Screen or downloading:
Electronic Meeting List
Electronic Meeting List
Iceberg Ahead!
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Out at Sea
Posts: 1,177
There are many alcoholics, active in recovery, whose marriages or romantic relationships survive especially if the recovered alcoholic's partner also works the Al-Anon program.
Al-Anon recommends that its members work the program for 6 to 9 months before making any major decisions or changes in relationships (except in cases of domestic violence or abuse). This is a time when you can examine yourself, your fears and resentments (among other things) in Step 4, your relationship and your principles. Invaluable. The programs can help save your relationship or, if it ultimately doesn't survive, working them will have taught you a lot of tools and things that you will be able to carry with you into your next relationship. Of course, good relationship and individual counseling can help alongside or on their own.
All the best.
Al-Anon recommends that its members work the program for 6 to 9 months before making any major decisions or changes in relationships (except in cases of domestic violence or abuse). This is a time when you can examine yourself, your fears and resentments (among other things) in Step 4, your relationship and your principles. Invaluable. The programs can help save your relationship or, if it ultimately doesn't survive, working them will have taught you a lot of tools and things that you will be able to carry with you into your next relationship. Of course, good relationship and individual counseling can help alongside or on their own.
All the best.
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