Moms with XAH or XRAH?
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 48
Moms with XAH or XRAH?
I read the following questions on a thread a few days ago and thought that they bore repeating. I've already read of some experiences here on the boards and they have been invaluable to me. If you don't mind sharing, I would be grateful. I'm sure that there are others in the same boat:
1) What do your custody arrangements with your A or A's family look like? And how do you feel about them? Did it take a lot to get to a point where you are comfortable?
2) What things do you wish you added in there or fought more for?
Stories and suggestions welcome.
1) What do your custody arrangements with your A or A's family look like? And how do you feel about them? Did it take a lot to get to a point where you are comfortable?
2) What things do you wish you added in there or fought more for?
Stories and suggestions welcome.
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Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 1,637
Here's our arrangement that we used quite successfully over the past 11 months:
Kids live with me (I'm custodial parent) - they go to XAH's house every other weekend from Thursday evening to Sunday afternoon. They also have dinner with him every Tuesday night (but back home to me for bedtime) and also on Thursday evening on the "off" weekend.
We alternate holidays odd/even years.
A few weeks ago, once XAH had gotten his new house established, he spoke with the kids about making Tuesday/Thursday dinner nights sleepovers. My 6yo came home and said that I don't let her see Daddy enough and she wanted more sleepovers. I didn't think it was a good idea but I had both kids and XAH pressing me. I agreed to a trial run - and it lasted a whole week and a half. The kids hated the back and forth. They LOVED the consistency of the routine we had - so we are back to dinners with daddy - but home in bed with mommy.
It was very hard initially to let them go alone to XAH for the weekend.... I worried about what was happening but I had no legal grounds for denying him custody (my attorney tried everything). And the reality is - the kids do need to have time with their father. So, I have them seeing a counselor at school to help them deal with 1) the divorce and 2) alcoholism. I have a tremendous support system in place that has made this whole situation a great growing opportunity for them and me. They come home and know that I am safe to talk to about anything and everything... and believe me... they tell me EVERYTHING!!! That's the best defense I have at this point.
The key for me is taking it one day at a time. The kids continue to change and grow - and my job is to be flexible yet consistent. It's not always easy - I'm the custodial parent, which in general, means I'm largely the one who has to be the "bad" guy. I didn't like it at first - but my kids actually to prefer to be with me because I'm consistent and dependable.
OH - one other thing that I keep in the back of my mind ALL the time - is putting myself in THEIR shoes. How would things feel to a small, powerless child? That really helps me detach from my own ego/hurt feelings and make decisions based on what's best for them.
Hope some of that helps
Shannon
Kids live with me (I'm custodial parent) - they go to XAH's house every other weekend from Thursday evening to Sunday afternoon. They also have dinner with him every Tuesday night (but back home to me for bedtime) and also on Thursday evening on the "off" weekend.
We alternate holidays odd/even years.
A few weeks ago, once XAH had gotten his new house established, he spoke with the kids about making Tuesday/Thursday dinner nights sleepovers. My 6yo came home and said that I don't let her see Daddy enough and she wanted more sleepovers. I didn't think it was a good idea but I had both kids and XAH pressing me. I agreed to a trial run - and it lasted a whole week and a half. The kids hated the back and forth. They LOVED the consistency of the routine we had - so we are back to dinners with daddy - but home in bed with mommy.
It was very hard initially to let them go alone to XAH for the weekend.... I worried about what was happening but I had no legal grounds for denying him custody (my attorney tried everything). And the reality is - the kids do need to have time with their father. So, I have them seeing a counselor at school to help them deal with 1) the divorce and 2) alcoholism. I have a tremendous support system in place that has made this whole situation a great growing opportunity for them and me. They come home and know that I am safe to talk to about anything and everything... and believe me... they tell me EVERYTHING!!! That's the best defense I have at this point.
The key for me is taking it one day at a time. The kids continue to change and grow - and my job is to be flexible yet consistent. It's not always easy - I'm the custodial parent, which in general, means I'm largely the one who has to be the "bad" guy. I didn't like it at first - but my kids actually to prefer to be with me because I'm consistent and dependable.
OH - one other thing that I keep in the back of my mind ALL the time - is putting myself in THEIR shoes. How would things feel to a small, powerless child? That really helps me detach from my own ego/hurt feelings and make decisions based on what's best for them.
Hope some of that helps
Shannon
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
1) What do your custody arrangements with your A or A's family look like? And how do you feel about them? Did it take a lot to get to a point where you are comfortable?
2) What things do you wish you added in there or fought more for?
My emotional baggage
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Northern CA
Posts: 285
We have temporary custody orders in place until we go to trial at the end of Novemeber. I have full custody and he has visitaiton rights. Right now he picks up the kids from school at 2:15 on Mondays and Thursdays and I meet him and pick the boys back up from him at 6:30. He gets one alternating weekend day 9:00am until 5:00pm.
We both agreed on a no drinking while we have the kids order. And on no drinking 8 hours prior. I was adamant that he not get overnights. He originally proposed 12:00 until 7:00pm but I was sure he could not make it until 7:00 not drinking. Both boys have told me and their councelors that he still drinks during visits.
He has asked for one week on and one week off visits which I said no way to. The kids attorney said no way also. I am shooting for getting full custody with him not getting visits until he admits he has a problem and gets help. But I think what I will end up with him getting some sort of visitation regardless. My attorney does not think we will be winding this up until next summer.............uh. Just because he has fought every single thing we have tried to do, even though he keeps saying lets get this over with quickly.
I really feel, shoot for the moon and then have it pull back in to something you can live with.
We both agreed on a no drinking while we have the kids order. And on no drinking 8 hours prior. I was adamant that he not get overnights. He originally proposed 12:00 until 7:00pm but I was sure he could not make it until 7:00 not drinking. Both boys have told me and their councelors that he still drinks during visits.
He has asked for one week on and one week off visits which I said no way to. The kids attorney said no way also. I am shooting for getting full custody with him not getting visits until he admits he has a problem and gets help. But I think what I will end up with him getting some sort of visitation regardless. My attorney does not think we will be winding this up until next summer.............uh. Just because he has fought every single thing we have tried to do, even though he keeps saying lets get this over with quickly.
I really feel, shoot for the moon and then have it pull back in to something you can live with.
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
[QUOTE]1) What do your custody arrangements with your A or A's family look like? And how do you feel about them? Did it take a lot to get to a point where you are comfortable?[quote]
Shared custody. He led everyone to believe he was in recovery while the divorce proceedings were going on. Then once that was over with, he started drinking again. Heavily. That was my biggest mistake, believing him when he said he wanted to be a good father to his children.
Full custody of the kids. I already walked away from everything else. Didn't fight him for a thing. I wish in retrospect I had gone for full custody and supervised visitations until he had been sober for 18 months.
Shared custody. He led everyone to believe he was in recovery while the divorce proceedings were going on. Then once that was over with, he started drinking again. Heavily. That was my biggest mistake, believing him when he said he wanted to be a good father to his children.
2) What things do you wish you added in there or fought more for?
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
I wish in retrospect I had gone for full custody and supervised visitations until he had been sober for 18 months.
I'll be looking at this soon with a lawyer, so if anyone has any input I would appreciate it.
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