JeffKan1

Hi gang, will try to give you enough details ... I have an A G/F, we've dated 1 yr 10 months. I'm 49, she's 45. She's moved in with me several months ago. There have been at least 4 times where she has abused alcohol and then mentally and emotionally abused me. Once my 15-yr old daughter got caught up in it too. I'm not sure what I'm looking for from your thoughts and suggestions, but anything is very much welcomed and encouraged.

My AGF has been in and out of a series of AA meetings a few times. First she admits she's an A, then she goes to meetings for awhile, then she quits going, once for a reason that's understandable and then again for a reason that's not understandable. Currently, she's at the point where she's quit going, and even has started drinking again.

I have gone to one AA meeting just to learn what they are about. They suggested Al-Anon meetings, and I didn't go for several months, but I've started going and completed my 4th mtg recently. So I have heard and read helpful tips from the Alanon mtgs, from my research online, from self-help books, from other people. Conclusion: I'm doing everything that I should be doing.

The alcoholism is not something I can control, I didn't cause it, I can't cure it. I agree. I need to set boundaries as consequences for her behavior. I'm doing that. If she doesn't think she has an alcohol problem, then certainly it's not gonna get better and it's probably gonna get worse. Makes sense. I know I've made mistakes too, such as drinking along with her. I've quit doing that. I'm not demanding that she change, and I'm not holding a grudge against her. I own my behavior and she owns hers.

My difficulty is that I know that I need to get her to move out, but of course she doesn't want that. The usual excuses on my part are there: she has no money, she won't be able to afford a place of her own, she just started a job so is just now making friends at work. And the big thing: I still love her.

In the mean time, she's become nearly unbearable to live with. Sarcasm, always looking for hidden meanings in what I say and do, justifying her past bad behaviors with the ever-evolving memory of what "really" happened and how it was other's faults and she may have done some things wrong but she was just telling the truth, yadda yadda. And the boundaries that I set make her defensive, angry and moody. One minute she's talking about moving out, the next everything is fine and she wants to cuddle on the couch.

An example of the craziness: she tells me today she had a good long talk with a co-worker last night (she works 12 hr night shift as nurse at a hospital), and she said that she's concluded she has done very well for herself for her 45 yrs on this planet, and she isn't gonna demand that someone change for her, so she shouldn't have to change for someone. I'm all about clarifying and confirming when I talk with a person, but this seems very clear to me what she meant. She's said it before, that she feels like she's losing herself, and she just wants to be herself, and have a beer when she wants one.

I know that the "vortex of insanty" will continue on if she doesn't stick with a program and get herself some help.

So I will continue to pray for strength and wisdom, and will continue to work on myself. I'm sure things will work out for me in the end, and I know that once I feel enough pain, I will change my behavior and figure out a way to get her moved out.

celticgenes

Sorry you are going through this. I put up with on again/off again alcoholism in my EXAF (fiance) for 20 years. We both work in healthcare. His position was that he never had a DUI, always worked, and as an adult had the right to choose to "have a few drinks" if he so chose.

It all sounds so perfectly reasonable! Except for the part where he is emotionally/spiritually/physically not present due to being drunk. He cheated on his wife, then me. He disappointed his children, and scared mine. When in the throes of a good bender, called me the most vile, hurtful things, broke the trust I had in him, tore me down when I was already at a low point. Made some attempts to be sober-mind you, not in any sort of recovery.

I realized (after walking a LONG way in the wrong direction) that I loved a ghost. I imbued him with all sorts of superpowers, and relationship skills he really didn't possess. I carried most of the weight for our relationship for years.

One day, I woke up. I realized that it was utterly crazy for me to settle for the emotional crumbs I was receiving. That no man should cause my children a moment's worry. That I was worth so much more.

Do I miss him? You bet. Can I change reality? Nope.

Good luck. There is a lot of support here.

Pelican

Ah, classic blame-shifting. And it looks like some "terminally unique" with a side offering of manipulation to keep serenity from taking root in the relationship!

Welcome to the SR family!

I am glad you found us, but sorry for the reason that brought you here.

I think you are doing the right things at this point.

Sending encouragement and support as you work on your personal recovery journey.

Tuffgirl

Welcome Jeff. I don't know what to say except for "been there". I understand that merry-go-round well.

I have a 15 yr old daughter too, and so I have to ask if this is a good influence on your kid? She's only got a few years left in your care before she is off living her own life. You, on the other hand, have plenty of time to engage in relationships with woman, dysfunctional or not. So you only have 3 more years to be a hands on Dad; is this how you want to spend those years?

For me - that was the deal breaker. Had I been a single woman, I probably would have made different choices. But I am not, I am a mother, and I had to stand up and do the right thing for my kids.

Just my humble opinion...
~T

Learn2Live

The bottom line is this: Do you save yourself (and your daughter who, by the way, should not be exposed to alcoholics or alcoholic behavior EVER), or do you continue to enable and try to save someone who is in destructive mode?

Love is NEVER worth the insanity and sickness that is addiction. EVER.

lovesunandsnow

Very hard what you’re dealing with. Myself living at the time with my ex-a fiancé I would hear that he didn't need to change and that he is employed and has a kid so he is responsible. That didn't matter to me or anyone else if your too drunk to get to work without smelling like a beer or if you’re out of cigs and beer and I won’t give you any more money than he would take his (poor) 10 year old daughter around town begging people for cigs and if they were in front of the store beer to. It was maddening to say the least. We were together for 18 month and I miss him so much its killing me today but you know what I don't miss the crazy fights about how right he was and drinking was okay because it was only beer. Two packs of 18 beers in a night is not just a drink and yes I did drink with him and that I wish I didn't, but this will sound like an excuse I didn't have beer I had a glass of wine and when I wasn't looking it was filled up again and again, so my bad but I stopped that to only be told I was a drunk to, that really made me and all my friends laugh hard. Misery loves company. I'm sober now just because I cannot stand to be with anyone drinking and it makes me to depressed, but yet I'm not the one that was the problem. So stick to your grounds, do the work for you and if she moves out maybe time will tell if it’s for the best. Welcome to a great group of people here and once again sorry your dealing with this too.

marie1960

"In the mean time, she's become nearly unbearable to live with. " (jeffKan1)

^^^^^^^^^ This jumped out at me.^^^^^^^^ Perhaps the answer is right here in black and white.

Addiction is no place to raise children.

In the meantime I hope you continue to post and read. Great support for you here at SR.

happyshego

I just said a prayer for you. I had a similar (very similar) situation. finally we found a place for him to live and now we are best friends. he drinks still i go to meetings. what i thought that i loved him was really that i was co dependent on him. I did love him but he was more of a habbit than a real love. I helped him find a place even lost money on a deposit that did not work out. .but finally he found a place we are in touch every day but the constannt sarcasism and fighting has ended. thanks for your post H.S.G

CentralOhioDad

And that's the best you can do.

Much peace and strength to you, my friend.

C-OH Dad

JeffKan1

Thanks for your reply Tuffgirl, appreciate it.

And to everyone, my apologies... I didn't mention, my daughter lives with her mom 5 hrs away. She's here about once every 3 weeks, but she's getting busy busy in her high school life, so I'm in the middle of being 2 months without seeing her. Regardless of whether daughter lives with me daily or only visits occasionally, you are right. That fact weighs heavy on my mind, and is certainly a deal-breaker. Thanks again, to Tuffgirl and everyone.

JeffKan1

Thanks so much Marie, yes I should have mentioned, my daughter doesn't live with me. But agreed, addiction is obviously no place to put your child through, whether it's daily or once every 5 years. Definitely.

laurie6781

Whether she 'wants' to move or not, is not your problem. I would suggest that
you double check first with your local police and then your 'state laws' regarding
landlord/tenant issues as you may have to 'evict' her through your court system.

Either way, it might just be best to give her a 'legal' 30 day notice to quit the
premises (your home). Then when she fails to comply you are free to serve her
with an eviction notice and use the sheriff's department to move her out.

Since she has a job, it does not matter if she has a place to go or not, she can
rent herself something temporary until SHE finds a place to live.

I will ask you what I just asked another gentleman on here this morning:

"What exactly are you getting out of this relationship?"

I would suspect that some of the current lack of visitation by your children may
NOT be because they are 'so busy' but has something to do with your GF and
how she acts 'under the influence."

"Boundaries" are for YOU not the A. As an example, mine for me are very simple:

"I will not associate with or live with a practicing A." If that boundary is broken,
ie the A is drinking, my solution is to REMOVE MYSELF TOTALLY from contact with
said person. I had to do this exactly 2 years ago today.

Was it easy? He!! no. Did I suffer some pangs of guilt? Yep, a lot of pangs. How-
ever boundaries are for me, not for him/her. For me and my own peace and
serenity in MY life. Also for MY overall 'wellbeing.' They are not 'ultimatums' for the
A in my life. For me, I cannot live with a 'toxic' person in my life, that would be
like throwing myself to 'the wolves.'

You say you are using Alanon. Do you have a sponsor? Have you or are you
working the steps? You see once we have 'worked' the steps, we can then start
'LIVING' the steps. Once I started 'living' the steps in my AA recovery, my life
started to get better. Once I started 'living' the steps after again 'working' them
from the Alanon 'point of view', my Life got tremendously better!!!

And yes, I know about NO CONTACT from both sides of the coin. When I was still
a practicing A my family and friends told me NO MORE and went No Contact. It
took me 2 1/2 more years, the last 1 1/2 of those living on the streets of Hollyweird
for me to find recovery. I also know that there have been times, all these years,
when I have had to go NO CONTACT with a practicing A that was in my life at that
time.

It is not easy, I know that, however, it will give both of you the greatest chance for
recovery from the 'roller coaster ride' you are on now and the 'daily drama' you are
both living now.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

FireSprite

Ah, yes.... the blame-shifting when you stop engaging. Looking for ways to get you to re-engage. I called it Tazmanian Devil Syndrome because AH would just spin & spin & spin, looking for things to fight about to deflect attention (& in his mind, responsibility) off of him & onto me. He could start a war of an argument over which shade of blue to call the sky.

In your title you state that you're doing everything you SHOULD be doing.... but how about going above & beyond that for yourself? Do you have the ability (time/money) to start a new class, join a gym, do something to engage yourself in other activities? It can go a long way toward saving your sanity to have a safe haven to help handle your stress & remove you from toxic situations with your A.

I was doing weekly yoga classes until earlier in the summer. I only gave them up as a way to save $ toward taking DD on a vacation, but it was a wonderful environment to meet new people, step fully out of any drama happening in my life & acknowledge myself as an individual. I've been checking into art & photography classes too so that I can try something new once my budget loosens up a bit more.

JeffKan1

Thanks Fire, what a great suggestion, look into engaging myself in activities, so that I can avoid the TDS! :o) That is it EXACTLY, the blame-shifting when I've stopped engaging. It's quite incredible the things that are said and done by the A as they basically try to get your attention. Maddening, surprising, sad, frustrating. Thx again Fire!

Tuffgirl

Your daughter may not live with you, but she is influenced by the choices you make regardless. Is this the example you want to set for her of what a relationship looks like?

Like I said, looking at my situation through the eyes of my kids was the deal breaker. I was not setting a good example. I only get this one chance to do parenting right, ya know? After they have moved on with their own lives, I can then make really bad judgment calls if I want. But right now, I will walk my talk.

JeffKan1

Well, she's gone. How did it happen? I was able to gain wisdom and strength through prayer and through this forum. I typed my thoughts and needs in a document, printed it, and used it as I talked with her, so that I didn't get caught up in emotion or on a tangent. From my POV, it went well. After days and days of her threatening to leave, we had this talk last night, and this morning she called and said she's leaving today. It may sound sudden, but she's done it before... just waylay me with this instant information that she's leaving in a few hours, before I get home from work.

She recently recanted her admitting that she is an alcoholic. It's difficult to accurately say why she "took it back", my conclusion is that she has some demons in her past that she has not really addressed. I know these demons and won't get into them now, not really wanting to.

I know it's for the best, so I will take things one day at a time, continue to work on myself and go to my Al-Anon meeting tomorrow night. And I will promise myself that before I go to bed this Friday night, I will have started (or finished) a speech on what to say to her if/when she calls and says she's sorry and wants to work on things and now knows that she's an alcoholic and wants to come back.

It's happened before.

THANKS SO MUCH everyone. Feel free to continue giving suggestions, I look forward to them.

Pelican

Well done! Your recovery is showing and it looks good on you!

One of the things that helped me resist the pull back into the drama of an alcoholic relationship was to keep a list in my wallet. I kept a list of what loving an alcoholic brings into my life.

My list looked like this:

_____'s love comes with:
manipulation
denial
financial disasters
bad health
lies
minimizing
blame-shifting


And I consulted that list anytime I got to thinking "this time will be different"

JeffKan1

HSG, just wanted to say, thanks so much for the prayer, it worked!! And... you mentioned that you are in touch every day with your A. Is that going well for you? You are able to keep things as friends, keep your feelings from growing and you start to lean toward getting back with him? It's healthy for you and has no bad results so far?

Learn2Live

Excellent! Now, the first thing you do once she leaves is change the locks. And keep coming here and posting every time you want to go back with her. Go to AlAnon meetings regularly. Start thinking about YOU and YOUR wants and desires for your life.

Titanic

Look at it another way too. If you focus just on your recovery, you're going to be a winner:
Keep working then living the Al-Anon Steps. Keep coming back! All the best.