With giving up, I have GAINED.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 93
With giving up, I have GAINED.
Hi Everyone!
I have been thinking (that never seems to stop
) but this is truly what I have been thinking...
I gave up attempting to have control over the fierce forces of addiction.
I have lost a man that I really loved. I have given up all of my dreams and false hopes with this man. I have given too many years to these false hopes.
BUT I have gained my soul back. I have found the love for myself again. I no longer cry awake every night. I do not blame myself for EVERYTHING and know that I am no more responsible for someone else's happiness than I am my own. I have gained the knowledge of knowing what manipulation sadly entails * but now I know what to not stand for with anyone else. I have finally GAINED the confidence to know that I am worth more than what was presented to me.
I can't get past ALL of the pain yet but I finally am thinking like a healthy -rational person. This is what I have gained from truly letting go and giving up. I have had no contact with the EXABF and it does hurt that it's like I am dead to him, but my HP knows that there will always be love for him in my heart and I wish him nothing but the best... the best just can no longer be with me.
I have been thinking (that never seems to stop
) but this is truly what I have been thinking...I gave up attempting to have control over the fierce forces of addiction.
I have lost a man that I really loved. I have given up all of my dreams and false hopes with this man. I have given too many years to these false hopes.
BUT I have gained my soul back. I have found the love for myself again. I no longer cry awake every night. I do not blame myself for EVERYTHING and know that I am no more responsible for someone else's happiness than I am my own. I have gained the knowledge of knowing what manipulation sadly entails * but now I know what to not stand for with anyone else. I have finally GAINED the confidence to know that I am worth more than what was presented to me.
I can't get past ALL of the pain yet but I finally am thinking like a healthy -rational person. This is what I have gained from truly letting go and giving up. I have had no contact with the EXABF and it does hurt that it's like I am dead to him, but my HP knows that there will always be love for him in my heart and I wish him nothing but the best... the best just can no longer be with me.
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: USA
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Originally Posted by rsk 
BUT I have gained my soul back. I have found the love for myself again. I no longer cry awake every night. I do not blame myself for EVERYTHING and know that I am no more responsible for someone else's happiness than I am my own. I have gained the knowledge of knowing what manipulation sadly entails * but now I know what to not stand for with anyone else. I have finally GAINED the confidence to know that I am worth more than what was presented to me.
Spectacular and priceless.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Sunshine, Sea Breeze & Palm Trees
Posts: 282
I have had no contact with the EXABF and it does hurt that it's like I am dead to him, but my HP knows that there will always be love for him in my heart and I wish him nothing but the best... the best just can no longer be with me.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 93
Rosiepetal,
Thank you, I have found so much strength from this site. There are many days that I stare blankly thinking this really isn't happening...like I am going to wake up and not have to see him for who he is. Can't seem to run from reality anymore. Another thing that keeps me so motivated is this...
I begged and cried for my EXABF to get help,find recovery,and return to the stand up man he was.For the last 18 months of our 4year relationship, he always returned to the heroine (he may be clean now but sure as he** not in recovery)and it was always so hard to understand why his will power was absent and why he always gave up, despite knowing the consequences. Why he allowed his disease to cause so much pain and destruction to both him and his loved ones.
I have accepted that he continues to be who he wants to be, BUT what about me? How can I expect someone to make a complete turn around when I am not doing so. I have heard how hard,devastating,and unimaginable it is for my ex to snap out of it but I WILL SHOW MYSLEF,HIM,and the REST of the WORLD that there is nothing that is impossible. I may not be an addict but my GOD what I have been through has not been easy and I will find my own recovery because I want it that much.What I am trying to do is overcome this mountain and get rid of the excuses that I make for him.
He has made me feel that b/c I am not an addict, I cannot "relate" but guess what I sure as heck can relate in some ways... I do know what it is like to be so broken inside,I know what it feels like to be taken to my knees and having to endure such raw pain. I also know it is like to lose your soul and not even know that it was lost. I too know what it feels like to want something so much just to make the pain go away, it may have been heroine for him but for me it was simply the man that I loved to return...I wanted that so much. I too know what it feels like to have no one understand my pain. I kept too many secrets from everyone b/c of his choices, I know what it is like to feel like I was living a double life. I may not be the addict but I have experienced the similar pains as my EXABF due to his addiction and my loss of self.
The fight or flight theory is really in effect in my life right now. I have been in the fight mode for so long now. For 18 months I fought the evils of addiction and yet, I am still fighting. I am fighting for myself and my happiness. "Flighting" is not an option. I am letting go of him but I am not running, I am trying to properly address what has happened and take it head on.
It sure as heck doesn't happen overnight or in a week. The strength does come with time and the realization that if I want anything to change with my life, then I need to take action. I no longer expect from other's what I haven't even done for myself...recover - by loving and forgiving myself.
Thank you, I have found so much strength from this site. There are many days that I stare blankly thinking this really isn't happening...like I am going to wake up and not have to see him for who he is. Can't seem to run from reality anymore. Another thing that keeps me so motivated is this...
I begged and cried for my EXABF to get help,find recovery,and return to the stand up man he was.For the last 18 months of our 4year relationship, he always returned to the heroine (he may be clean now but sure as he** not in recovery)and it was always so hard to understand why his will power was absent and why he always gave up, despite knowing the consequences. Why he allowed his disease to cause so much pain and destruction to both him and his loved ones.
I have accepted that he continues to be who he wants to be, BUT what about me? How can I expect someone to make a complete turn around when I am not doing so. I have heard how hard,devastating,and unimaginable it is for my ex to snap out of it but I WILL SHOW MYSLEF,HIM,and the REST of the WORLD that there is nothing that is impossible. I may not be an addict but my GOD what I have been through has not been easy and I will find my own recovery because I want it that much.What I am trying to do is overcome this mountain and get rid of the excuses that I make for him.
He has made me feel that b/c I am not an addict, I cannot "relate" but guess what I sure as heck can relate in some ways... I do know what it is like to be so broken inside,I know what it feels like to be taken to my knees and having to endure such raw pain. I also know it is like to lose your soul and not even know that it was lost. I too know what it feels like to want something so much just to make the pain go away, it may have been heroine for him but for me it was simply the man that I loved to return...I wanted that so much. I too know what it feels like to have no one understand my pain. I kept too many secrets from everyone b/c of his choices, I know what it is like to feel like I was living a double life. I may not be the addict but I have experienced the similar pains as my EXABF due to his addiction and my loss of self.
The fight or flight theory is really in effect in my life right now. I have been in the fight mode for so long now. For 18 months I fought the evils of addiction and yet, I am still fighting. I am fighting for myself and my happiness. "Flighting" is not an option. I am letting go of him but I am not running, I am trying to properly address what has happened and take it head on.
It sure as heck doesn't happen overnight or in a week. The strength does come with time and the realization that if I want anything to change with my life, then I need to take action. I no longer expect from other's what I haven't even done for myself...recover - by loving and forgiving myself.
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 168
"He has made me feel that b/c I am not an addict, I cannot "relate" but guess what I sure as heck can relate in some ways... I do know what it is like to be so broken inside,I know what it feels like to be taken to my knees and having to endure such raw pain. I also know it is like to lose your soul and not even know that it was lost. I too know what it feels like to want something so much just to make the pain go away, it may have been heroine for him but for me it was simply the man that I loved to return...I wanted that so much. I too know what it feels like to have no one understand my pain. I kept too many secrets from everyone b/c of his choices, I know what it is like to feel like I was living a double life. I may not be the addict but I have experienced the similar pains as my EXABF due to his addiction and my loss of self.
The fight or flight theory is really in effect in my life right now. I have been in the fight mode for so long now. For 18 months I fought the evils of addiction and yet, I am still fighting. I am fighting for myself and my happiness. "Flighting" is not an option. I am letting go of him but I am not running, I am trying to properly address what has happened and take it head on.
It sure as heck doesn't happen overnight or in a week. The strength does come with time and the realization that if I want anything to change with my life, then I need to take action. I no longer expect from other's what I haven't even done for myself...recover - by loving and forgiving myself.[/QUOTE]"
rsk,
you have come so far, I am so proud of you.
after almost 2 1/2 months of no contact my ex is just now ready to change and do whatever I want him to do go to therpy the whole 9 yard. But I will not let myself go down that road ever again, like you we deserve better. Not after finally feeling happy and not crying my eyes out I feel like I am alive again like I have a soul. I am not turning back. Life is to short to waste time trying to fix someone when we can only better ourself and make us happy and who we want to be.
The fight or flight theory is really in effect in my life right now. I have been in the fight mode for so long now. For 18 months I fought the evils of addiction and yet, I am still fighting. I am fighting for myself and my happiness. "Flighting" is not an option. I am letting go of him but I am not running, I am trying to properly address what has happened and take it head on.
It sure as heck doesn't happen overnight or in a week. The strength does come with time and the realization that if I want anything to change with my life, then I need to take action. I no longer expect from other's what I haven't even done for myself...recover - by loving and forgiving myself.[/QUOTE]"
rsk,
you have come so far, I am so proud of you.
after almost 2 1/2 months of no contact my ex is just now ready to change and do whatever I want him to do go to therpy the whole 9 yard. But I will not let myself go down that road ever again, like you we deserve better. Not after finally feeling happy and not crying my eyes out I feel like I am alive again like I have a soul. I am not turning back. Life is to short to waste time trying to fix someone when we can only better ourself and make us happy and who we want to be.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 93
Broken101,
Thank you for all the chats and support. You have been really helpful. In your heart, you know what to do. It is so hard to leave the ones that we love behind but after all that we have been through, it is harder to let them walk the same path with us. Hope I still see you posting, I am very proud of you too.
Thank you for all the chats and support. You have been really helpful. In your heart, you know what to do. It is so hard to leave the ones that we love behind but after all that we have been through, it is harder to let them walk the same path with us. Hope I still see you posting, I am very proud of you too.
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