bluebelle

I really had a relapse this week. I got all in my RABF's business. I accused him of not taking his Subs on schedule. I said that's why he had to go to the p doc early. I said that I could tell that he wasn't taking them on schedule because his moods are all over the place. That's probably why he keeps on getting sick, etc. He admitted that he had not taking the subs a couple of days, and that his p doc was going to every 2 weeks to see him and smaller prescriptions -- every 14 days instead of every 30 days. He claims that he never doubled his dose or anything. Yeah right. Anyway, he put the box of subs in front of me, and told me to count them.

That's when I realized that this was ridiculous. It doesn't matter if I count them. So what? That doesn't mean he's taking them as prescribed. I told him no, I wasn't interested, and it wasn't my business. Afterward, I felt bad. I felt like an idiot for getting involved in his mess.

I had been doing o.k. I don't know why I had to get so involved. His moodiness is driving me crazy, but I know that I'm supposed to work on myself not him. I know his sub use isn't my business, his psych doc visits aren't my business, etc. He is supposedly clean 2 years. That may be so, but I'm not sure he is willing to surrender.

I'm not sure if I'm willing to surrender yet, either. Whenever I think I have, something like this happens. I get myself involved where I don't belong. I feel like he is always complaining, whining--he always states that he just has so much going on right now. It will get better later.

I know I am supposed to be doing things for myself. I am. I just want things to be easy--where we are going to do things and having fun. I don't want to have to go out on my own. I have a very busy life, so I don't have much free time. I guess I need to become more social and get myself out there. I'm shy, and it's easier for me to rely on my RABF of 15 years to do things.

I am reading Codependent No More, Language of Letting Go and ACOA Daily Affirmations. I haven't been meditating as much.

Thank you for listening. I know I'm babbling. I just feel bad for letting myself getting wrapped up in his nonsense again.

mstrust

bluebelle...i'm here too. i've been mostly in my bedroom all weekend feeling awful. my boyfriend is not even with me and i still manage to try to get all wrapped up in his business. i tell him i think he is not being honest. i feel like i KNOW he isn't. i don't think i'm able/ready to grasp that i need to accept this situation as it is, realize it's not in my power to change it, and let it go. i thought i was doing better. in some ways, i suppose i am better than i was two months ago...but...

hang in there. i wish you the best. i wish all of this were easier for all of us.

LoveMeNow

I know it can be hard not to do Bluebelle! But at least you KNOW what you are doing isn't the healthiest thing for either one of you.

I love my Coda group, I have learned so much about myself there. I would highly recommend it to anyone!!

Katiekate

It's okay, it's not easy living what you are living with.

You get to make mistakes, you get to forgive yourself and try again.

Each time you become stronger, each time you get better at it.

Please! be good to yourself.

keep posting, so glad you did. Big hug, Katie

bluebelle

Thanks. Yeah, I realized today that I was really giving myself a hard time for not being perfect. It just seemed like I was doing so much better, and then I really sunk low.

LoveMeNow

I really hope you are going easier on yourself. I would want to know if my husband was using or abusing anything. I would want to know who I am dealing with because I will not live with an active addict again. I am not even sure I want to support recovery either.

bluebelle

After I posted this, I took a long walk and cried most of the walk. I feel a little better now. Of course, when I came home, RABF was still whining and moaning. I just turned up the volume on my music and cooked. I prayed quite a bit hoping that HP will watch over RABF. I admitted (again) that I'm powerless over his actions. I realize that HP has a path for RABF. I just feel like so many people in my life are addicts/alcoholics, and I don't want to see them all taken away. It looks like my grown step-daughter has been binge drinking lately, and I hope she stays out of trouble (she's in another state). I think I was starting to feel overwhelmed.

bluebelle

Thank you. I don't know that RABF is abusing drugs. I guess time will tell whether he is serious about his work with this doc. He has a urine screen this week and has a follow up appointment.

He claims he is working on his other recovery stuff. He's just so focused on the poor me thing right now, which doesn't look much like recovery. Of course, if I am anything as hard on him as I am on myself, we are both in trouble.

crazybabie

Bluebelle, I recently took myself back to square one, I do know how you feel what I did was dusted myself off and took the advice of be easy on myself about my lapse and started over.

oddly enough after a few days of posting and reading again I am doing much better addiction simply sucks but so does codependency and I can only do something about the latter.

bluebelle

Thanks for the advice of easing up on myself. I had started with little things--I even went through some of his things. Ugh! I thought that just a little bit of looking for evidence would reassure me or give me answers. Of course, it ended up just making me feel bad about myself. I'm glad that I had a private cry today. I felt upset and mad at him, but realized that it would do me no good to demand that he do something to help himself. That lecturing never helped in the past. I felt the need to set him straight so that he would see the light. I admit I was getting in the way of my HP.

crazybabie

Bluebelle I listen to this song quite often when I get that way give it a try?

She Cant Save Him - YouTube

bluebelle

I am trying to now allow my emotions to be determined by RABF's mood. He was in a really bad mood again this morning. He was back on that poor me thing. Everyone else is the problem, etc. I just went on with my day. I didn't have much of a choice. I had things to do. I dont know what to do when he gets like that. I told him I thought he was overreacting, which didn't help the situation. I guess I probably should just keep my mouth shut at those times. I could say, "I'm sorry you're having a rough day," and leave it at that.

He comes back with telling me that the next time I complain about something, he'll just say I'm overreacting. He claims that I get moody a lot, so I'm not all that easy to live with either. I know that I also sometimes go on and on about something that is bothering me.

LoveMeNow

I am so sorry Bluebelle that you are dealing with this again.

IMO, there is a big difference in your moods and his. And I am sure you aren't blaming everyone else for your moods.

Remember to trust your instincts and love yourself!

bluebelle

Thanks, LMN. As you can imagine, RABF's mood swings are severe. He explained that he had a bad morning. I'm really getting tired of how mad he gets with everyone--it's always the fault of other people. I get tired of hearing about it. I find myself starting to take his inventory-- oh, he needs to take responsibility for,his feelings. Then, I have to remind myself to focus on my own inventory.

LoveMeNow

To be honest, I would suspect that he is using again too.

bluebelle

I hope not! I guess I need to get to reading Clinical One's posts in case that's true! He has an upcoming pee test so he can continue to get Subs.

LoveMeNow

I know my husband failed one of the drug tests at the DR's and still got a RX. He told me if he failed another, he was done.

So many people struggle to get off of subs, it's a hard withdrawal. But personally, I think it's the lesser of 2 evils if an addict is motivated to stay clean.

I will keep you and your bf in my prayers.

Vale

Relapse!?!?! Shame on you Bluebelle!
You should be perfect and without flaws like
the rest of us!!!!!


(I thought I made a mistake once.....BUT I WAS WRONG!!!!)

LoveMeNow

When I suspected my husband relapsed after going off of suboxone, I checked his bank account for answers and there they were. I woke him up at 2:00 am to "talk" and he admitted the truth. I told my therapist that I had checked his bank account and she did not think that was codependent at all. If I had checked his bank account 5x a day, everyday for months, then there would be a problem. However, confirming an instinct and learning the truth was fine in her opinion. IMO, I have a right to know if he was using because I will never knowingly live with an addict again. I was prepared to keep that boundary. He called his sponsor that morning who came over right away. He knew he was in trouble with his addiction and the look of fear on his face was indescribable. He had actually questioned whether or not he was an addict and apparently tested out the 1 is too many and a 1000 will never be enough. Addiction is so cunning and so powerful. He then had to detox again and he was so scared to go through that again after the subs withdrawal.

He hadn't used many or for long but it still took about 30 days before he could sleep and have energy again. On one occasion during that time, he told me he was moving out, I could literally see the battle of good (clean) verses evil (using) taking place in his mind. I stepped back and let him fight it out on his own. He won that battle and has since been reaching out for help with his NA friends.

bluebelle

It is cunning and powerful. RABF admitted he went back to tobacco. He was feeling so much better on Subs, that he thought he'd feel even better if he added tobacco. He admitted it was stupid, and said this is the hardest thing he's ever dealt with.

I don't plan on doing any more research, RABF's actions will be telling whether he wants to be in recovery. I don't know why he came clean about the tobacco. He said it's because he's trying to practice honesty. I didn't lecture him or anything on the tobacco. He admitted it is harmful and he made a bad decision.

The tobacco could explain the mood swings. I'm just trying to pray and admit that I have no control. I really do know that I am powerless against addiction.

He really seems to be going downhill, but it follows the pattern of drug abuse. I think he got lazy about his recovery, and then started sliding downhill--usual story.

I told him 2 years ago (before recovery) that I was done and I wouldn't live an active addict anymore. Last time he relapsed, he quickly spiraled downhill, so if he relapses, I don't think he'll be able to hide it for long.