It's too late ...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Michigan
Posts: 28
It's too late ...
I have a couple of different threads from earlier this year and (I think) one in 2011. I stated that I was not ready to do what others suggested I needed to do to save myself. Perhaps if I had it would have saved AH too?
My AH died in a fatal traffic accident a little over a week ago. Even though I was constantly beside myself "not knowing what I could do" to change things, I believe I would take him back in a second ...alcoholism and all.
The accident was not caused by his drinking. At least not how we would think. He was on his way to work early in the morning. The rain was coming down hard, he went through a stop sign. He was hit (driver side) and did not stand a chance.
The most agonizing part of all this ...for me, is the fact that he mentioned to me previously how easy it would be to end it all that way. I will never know for sure if he did, in fact, do this to himself. If he did ... Did I drive him to it ....with all my nagging, etc? We had a particularly bad argument the weekend before his accident. Thinking back, I think I remember seeing a point where he seemed like he "made up his mind.". He told me that I did not have to worry. That he would take care of it.
No way, no how did I believe he would/could do something like this. He talked about it all of the time ...for years and years, but he never did anything.
I am just physically and emotionally sick with trying to come to terms with this. I don't know that I can. Did I drive him to do this ....with all of my nagging/complaining? Perhaps, if I had left him, he would be alive today?
This is a heavy, heavy message to post ...but I believe that had I did what I knew I should have done long ago, my husband might be alive today. It is such a tragic thing to learn how I was just as sick as AH was. If I had worked harder on myself, this, more than likely would have never happened?
My AH died in a fatal traffic accident a little over a week ago. Even though I was constantly beside myself "not knowing what I could do" to change things, I believe I would take him back in a second ...alcoholism and all.
The accident was not caused by his drinking. At least not how we would think. He was on his way to work early in the morning. The rain was coming down hard, he went through a stop sign. He was hit (driver side) and did not stand a chance.
The most agonizing part of all this ...for me, is the fact that he mentioned to me previously how easy it would be to end it all that way. I will never know for sure if he did, in fact, do this to himself. If he did ... Did I drive him to it ....with all my nagging, etc? We had a particularly bad argument the weekend before his accident. Thinking back, I think I remember seeing a point where he seemed like he "made up his mind.". He told me that I did not have to worry. That he would take care of it.
No way, no how did I believe he would/could do something like this. He talked about it all of the time ...for years and years, but he never did anything.
I am just physically and emotionally sick with trying to come to terms with this. I don't know that I can. Did I drive him to do this ....with all of my nagging/complaining? Perhaps, if I had left him, he would be alive today?
This is a heavy, heavy message to post ...but I believe that had I did what I knew I should have done long ago, my husband might be alive today. It is such a tragic thing to learn how I was just as sick as AH was. If I had worked harder on myself, this, more than likely would have never happened?
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: South Boston
Posts: 547
Oh =( my heart goes out to you. I feel so bad I am so sorry for your loss. My deepest condolences truly.
You did NOT cause this to happen. This is not in any way shape or form your fault. It was NOT your nagging that caused this.
He was trying to manipulate you and make you blame yourself and feel guilty when he said things like "I'll take care of it" it's classic addict behavior. My ABF told me it was my fault he was in jail because when he called me high/drunk off his a** after walking out of rehab in the middle of the night with no money I refused to go get him & he got arrested for trying to rob someone! And I actually believed him. You are probably thinking now wow that was not her fault! But in my codie brain I somehow managed to blame myself.
There was nothing you could have done to stop this accident. It seems you think he make have done it on purpose? I was a bit confused by that. But even if this was some sort of suicide that is NOT your fault, it is NOT anything you did.
As an alcoholic I can tell you we suffer from a great amount of inner turmoil and alcohol only worsens the depression symptoms and it clouds your judgment. Until we stop drinking we can't think straight nor can we get better. No matter how much the people we love try and help us.
I know how hard it is to feel helpless, I've been in love with an addict but as an alcoholic myself I know we need to save ourselves. You can't save him. You can't control him. You can only save you.
I am so sorry for your loss and for your pain. But PLEASE believe this is NOT your fault. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
You did NOT cause this to happen. This is not in any way shape or form your fault. It was NOT your nagging that caused this.
He was trying to manipulate you and make you blame yourself and feel guilty when he said things like "I'll take care of it" it's classic addict behavior. My ABF told me it was my fault he was in jail because when he called me high/drunk off his a** after walking out of rehab in the middle of the night with no money I refused to go get him & he got arrested for trying to rob someone! And I actually believed him. You are probably thinking now wow that was not her fault! But in my codie brain I somehow managed to blame myself.
There was nothing you could have done to stop this accident. It seems you think he make have done it on purpose? I was a bit confused by that. But even if this was some sort of suicide that is NOT your fault, it is NOT anything you did.
As an alcoholic I can tell you we suffer from a great amount of inner turmoil and alcohol only worsens the depression symptoms and it clouds your judgment. Until we stop drinking we can't think straight nor can we get better. No matter how much the people we love try and help us.
I know how hard it is to feel helpless, I've been in love with an addict but as an alcoholic myself I know we need to save ourselves. You can't save him. You can't control him. You can only save you.
I am so sorry for your loss and for your pain. But PLEASE believe this is NOT your fault. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 194
You did not cause this at all. Please do not blame yourself. I understand the guilt. Not only do we have guilt as Codie's, but there is this thing called survivors guilt, too, that can occur, no matter the relationship or circumstances that led to death.
Please be kind and gentle with yourself. I would recommend some grief counseling, and maybe from someone licensed in both this and addiction.
Regardless of what happened, you could never have had the power to stop any of this. Sending hugs and prayers your way
Please be kind and gentle with yourself. I would recommend some grief counseling, and maybe from someone licensed in both this and addiction.
Regardless of what happened, you could never have had the power to stop any of this. Sending hugs and prayers your way
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
My heart goes out to you. It was an accident, pure and simple. To kill yourself in a car you hit a tree or other object straight on, you don't wait for someone to broadside you. When death occurs humans universally experience guilt, it's the norm. But you certainly didn't do anything to hasten his death. My condolences.
God decides when it's our time to go. We're totally powerless over the beliefs and actions of other people.
I believe that had I did what I knew I should have done long ago, my husband might be alive today.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: UK
Posts: 2,937
Oh my goodness I am so sorry for your loss.
Please, please try to get some professional help for these thoughts you are having...your husband would not want you to think like this I am sure.
He would want you to think ONLY about the good times with him and I am sure there were before things became bad. I am sure in his last moments he thought of you, how beautiful you are, the amazing wife you are. No bad thoughts.
I'm sending you lots of thoughts and love and care.
I wish I could say wise things to you, things that will help you. My heart aches for you. Please don't be on your own.
Remember that I think you are amazing and if I could have your stength, your compassion, your ability to feel, then I would be half as amazing as you .....
xxxx
Please, please try to get some professional help for these thoughts you are having...your husband would not want you to think like this I am sure.
He would want you to think ONLY about the good times with him and I am sure there were before things became bad. I am sure in his last moments he thought of you, how beautiful you are, the amazing wife you are. No bad thoughts.
I'm sending you lots of thoughts and love and care.
I wish I could say wise things to you, things that will help you. My heart aches for you. Please don't be on your own.
Remember that I think you are amazing and if I could have your stength, your compassion, your ability to feel, then I would be half as amazing as you .....
xxxx
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
I'm so sorry about the loss of your husband.
(((hugs))) to you as you recover from this tragedy.
Please reach out in your community for support in handling your grief.
You can also share here as needed. We care about you.
(((hugs))) to you as you recover from this tragedy.
Please reach out in your community for support in handling your grief.
You can also share here as needed. We care about you.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Ireland
Posts: 1,641
My condolences to you.
You are not responsible whether it was an accident or intentional.
You cannot make it logically your fault.
It is grief and shock.
Gather the support you need around you.
You will be ok.
You are not responsible whether it was an accident or intentional.
You cannot make it logically your fault.
It is grief and shock.
Gather the support you need around you.
You will be ok.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
If you do just a little bit of research, UpsideDown, you will find that the human drive to live, to survive, is one of the strongest forces in the world! There are simply amazing, unbelievable, stories that prove this. Do you honestly believe that YOU can cause someone to kill himself? That you are stronger than the forces of the natural world? Think about it.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Hello UpSideDown,
I am so sorry to hear what you are going through. I can't even imagine the pain you must be going through.
No. He did not. I can tell just from the handful of sentences you wrote. You see, people kill themselves when the chemistry in their brain goes haywire and their thinking becomes distorted. Because it's caused by a chemical imbalance the behavior of a person who commits suicide is _highly_ predictable. I have spent decades working with people who suffer from various forms of chemical dependency, depression, and sucide and it's always the same. Always.
You did _not_ have anything to do with his death. Just like you had nothing to do with his addiction. Take a little time to browse around here on SR and you will find about a hundred stories of people who lost their spouse to addiction, and several dozen who lost them to suicide. In all those stories you will see the _same_ results, sometimes refered to as the "Three C's".
You are not _supposed_ to come to terms with this. Not at all. Especially not today. All you are supposed to do is get thru this _one_ day. Nothing more. Surround yourself with people who care about you, spend the _entire_ night on SR if you want, cry as much as you want and then cry some more.
Coming to terms is for later. Much later. Right now just focus on _right now_. Have you had anything to eat? Make yourself something real simple, a much of hot chocolate, a cup of tead, a slice of toast. Nothing more. Take a shower, just because. Call your best friend and just cry on the phone, that's what friends are for.
And when you've done all of that do it again. Just keep focusing on _right now_, and on doing simple things for yourself. That's _all_ you have to do today. And tomorrow. And the day after. Later on you will begin to heal, but for today just don't worry about tomorrow, it's not going anywhere if you ignore it.
Mike
Moderator, SR
I am so sorry to hear what you are going through. I can't even imagine the pain you must be going through.
Originally Posted by UpSiDeDoWn 
....The most agonizing part of all this ...for me, is the fact that he mentioned to me previously how easy it would be to end it all that way. I will never know for sure if he did, in fact, do this to himself. .....
You did _not_ have anything to do with his death. Just like you had nothing to do with his addiction. Take a little time to browse around here on SR and you will find about a hundred stories of people who lost their spouse to addiction, and several dozen who lost them to suicide. In all those stories you will see the _same_ results, sometimes refered to as the "Three C's".
Originally Posted by UpSiDeDoWn
.... I am just physically and emotionally sick with trying to come to terms with this. I don't know that I can. .....
Coming to terms is for later. Much later. Right now just focus on _right now_. Have you had anything to eat? Make yourself something real simple, a much of hot chocolate, a cup of tead, a slice of toast. Nothing more. Take a shower, just because. Call your best friend and just cry on the phone, that's what friends are for.
And when you've done all of that do it again. Just keep focusing on _right now_, and on doing simple things for yourself. That's _all_ you have to do today. And tomorrow. And the day after. Later on you will begin to heal, but for today just don't worry about tomorrow, it's not going anywhere if you ignore it.
Mike
Moderator, SR
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hello UpSIDeDoWn, I'm so, so sorry to hear about the loss of your husband. I can only just begin to imagine the shock and sorrow you must be feeling right now.
Please accept my deepest sympathies on your loss.
Please also know that none of this is your fault!
I hope you can lean on your friends and your family as you make it through this, and post here as often as you need. We do understand.
Please accept my deepest sympathies on your loss.
Please also know that none of this is your fault!
I hope you can lean on your friends and your family as you make it through this, and post here as often as you need. We do understand.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Seeking Peace
Posts: 1,371
I am so sorry for your loss. I'm sure you must feel flooded with alot of different emotions right now. Please be gentle and kind with yourself right now. Your AH is at peace and he I believe he remains with you in spirit. Love never dies.
My deepest, heartfelt sympathy....to you and to everyone who loved him.
My deepest, heartfelt sympathy....to you and to everyone who loved him.
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