FreddyBear

It's been a while since I posted here, only came to read the boards when felt especially bad. It helped me to go dry for 50 days which is my personal record in last 10 years. I won't go into much details about my life, as I've written about it here before and nothing really changed. The only things changed - I turned 31 and my alcoholism became worse than ever.

As a shy and introverted person, I always had trouble connecting and relating to people. I work from home running an online business and have some extra cash to spend because I have no family and responsiblities. I mentioned the money because I blow it in ridiculous amounts. Even though I drink at home alone, I usually start urging some communication and fall into a developed and nasty habit of calling the escort service. Yesterday, I've downed a whole case of 24 beers totally by myself in , called them and paid a girl $600 (quite alot for me) just for her to sit near me and watch a movie. Didn't even touch her. How pathetic is that? I also bought tickets to some faraway city worth of $1K online and cringed in the morning about what have I done. Had to call the company and cancel it. Also took the girl with me and drove us to McDonalds. Needless to say, I was pretty much wasted, put on some loud music and surely didn't stop on 2-3 red lights. I cringe of horror thinking about what I might have done. And I don't worry about DUI, just other people's lives. Now, I feel just powerless over all this stupid crap.

As for these 50 days of sobriety, the beginning was great, I went to a fitness club on daily basis, paid a trainer to exercise and motivate me, and was doing great with both weight loss and mood. But, my flawed personality began to slowly kick in, weight loss did not help me in improving my personal life and approach girls, and I ended up being all alone again. When the pain of loneliness and emptiness became unbearable, I went to the grocery and took a case of lager. I did it consciously, I did not value my sobriety achievements anymore, so this was not a sudden relapse.

I don't know what to do anymore. I just lost hope, I have loving parents who hope I will create a family of my own, stop being a pathetic drunk recluse. My mom even cried last time we talked about my life.

I don't know how to get out of the rut, no ideas, just almost given up. Sometimes I wish to go to sleep and never awake, or just pull the trigger and end it all. What's stopping me is love of my wonderful parents and the fact I haven't lost all the hope for some unknown reason.

ru12

Have you tried AA? Lots of sober people there you can meet for fellowship.

FreddyBear

Yes, I tried visiting the groups. At all honesty, I saw several people with 1-2-3 years of sobriety, and all of them were visibly miserable with their lives. It's not what I'm after, but I seem to unable to quit on my own.

BruceJ

Sorry about your perspective Freddie.
May I humbly suggest that you check out a couple of different meetings....go early...stay late. I really think that you may find something there that you want.
Listen for the similarities...ignore the differences.

Maybe go to the XA talks and listen to an old fart by the name of Clancy I. I think he has something that you need to hear.

All the best.

RevivingOphelia

Just wanted to let you know I understand that feeling of life sucking and being lonely.

You can decide to change things around. Why not start today?

I'm only at the start of day 6 -- it's never too late for a change and shot at happiness.

least

What helped me is my wonderful addiction counselor and this site. With that help I've been able to stay sober nearly three years now and I'm finally enjoying my life.

I never gave up, even tho I wanted to many times. My friends here and my counselor urged me not to give up and I didn't - now I don't miss drinking one bit and am enjoying my sober life.

If I can do it, so can you. I hope you find what you need to motivate you to stop - life really is better without alcohol.

SunnyFlower

I don't know the rest of your background...have you tried working any alcohol support programs...AA perhaps? It sounds by the above statement you have achieved

Step 1:We admitted we were were powerless over alcohol-that our lives had become unmanageable. This is the first step to recovery, sounds like you are there.

[/QUOTE=FreddyBear]As for these 50 days of sobriety, the beginning was great, I went to a fitness club on daily basis, paid a trainer to exercise and motivate me, and was doing great with both weight loss and mood. But, my flawed personality began to slowly kick in, weight loss did not help me in improving my personal life and approach girls, and I ended up being all alone again. When the pain of loneliness and emptiness became unbearable, I went to the grocery and took a case of lager. I did it consciously, I did not value my sobriety achievements anymore, so this was not a sudden relapse.

I don't know what to do anymore. I just lost hope, I have loving parents who hope I will create a family of my own, stop being a pathetic drunk recluse. My mom even cried last time we talked about my life. [/QUOTE]

Your story sounds so familiar. As with all other alcoholics it seems I can relate to each one in one way or another and yours is no different. I totally understand the "flawed personality issue". At 57 days sober I am no longer struggling with the obsession to drink and my mental awareness is much better, however, my flawed personality is beginning to rear it's ugly head.

I asked about AA previously, because, although "physical exercise" is an excellent form of therapy, it doesn't cover all the other basic needs we have for recovery. We still have to learn how to recover from our "mental, emotional and spiritual" ailments.

AA is working for me. Last night we had a "candle light" meeting. It was the most relaxed I have felt in years...not just the candles, but the company I was keeping". No one understands the alcoholic mind like other alcoholics. I always leave there feeling better then when I arrived. Listening to others is a tremendous help in knowing that I am not alone in this battle and I also know that they will be there for me in good times and times of trouble.

Do you have an AA support group in your area? My encouragement for you is to check it out if you haven't already. Find one that works for you!

FreddyBear- Hang in there! Glad you are here!

hypochondriac

Don't be so hard on yourself Freddy. Things do not need to be sorted right away and they certainly don't have to be all sorted by 31. I hope not anyway because I'm 31 and there are some aspects of my life which are a complete mess, my interaction with other people being one of them, but then there are other aspects of my life which are pretty damn good. It sounds like you have a lot of things going for you too but you're just willingly allowing alcohol to drag you down. It sounds like SR helped you before... why not stick around this time. And if you need face to face support I'd recommend trying a few different AA meetings... the people in my group have all been sober for years and decades and are sickeningly happy about it Or maybe you would benefit from getting some counselling... Whatever you do, please stick around here and let us know how you're getting on x

Thepatman

I know it's hard to meet someone when you are shy. What you need is practice at just saying hi to ladies. Sounds stupid but it's where you should start. Works for me

IndaMiricale

I was 39 when I had enough.

Even county jail, loss of jobs, lost my car, and my health. I was in the ICU with wet brain,and also was in for pancrease problems before. Did I quit drinking.

Cunning , Baffling, and Powerful is alcohol ....

AA has saved this hopeless alcoholic from my way of living and thinking..

Scolova

My mind became a mess of depression, anxiety, dementia and impending doom. I binge drank daily through my thirties after having been a pothead\slacker\drinker in my twenties.
I could barely manage to go into the corner store to get my nightly fix without panic setting in from the withdraw seizure feeling and Thoughts of death were always popping up in my brain, bridge jump, walk out in front of traffic, shot to the head, OD on drugs... It was the thought of leaving my parents (both now deceased) uncared for that got me through it, but looking back now, I realize that I was not caring for myself. I was a very selfish person with my drinking, (teeth rotting out of my face) and as long as I took care of them and their property they 'enabled' me to continue to slack-off, drinking and not really grow up.
I know how bad the loneliness can feel and I don't wish that on anyone, same as with alcoholism, but you need to see the drink for what it is 'More loneliness, more depression, more thoughts of death.'
I would rather spend the rest of my life dealing with life's challenges sober, than to be an active alcoholic with a winning lottery ticket.

FreddyBear

I have set up an appointment with a therapist tomorrow. Hopefully it will help and things will be different this time. If I just quit as previously, I will relapse for sure.

HollyMc

Dear FreddyBear,

Yes, a therapist will help. I'm so relate to where you are at. While, I've managed to get a bit of sobriety here and there, mostly, I self-sabotage. My feelings of self-worth were in the potty. Just like many said here, no one who drinks cares much for self, albeit, this is a very selfish disease...please take note, we were not created to be miserable, but happy, joyous and free. Seek this with all your heart. Focus on yourself, your recovery and let God do the rest, that is if that's what you believe...if not, I can simply say - when you don't know what to do, just trust in something that isn't YOU. Trust someone in these posts, someone at a meeting - don't just go to one or two and call it a day. Keep going. Eventually, IT DOES KICK IN.

Do you have a Big Book? If so, READ READ READ - see what you relate to.

I will add you to my prayer list.

Blessings, my friend.

oh2exhale

FreddyBear; I sent you a private message.
Thanks for your post-glad you are staying around the Sober Recovery site. Im hoping the best for you, glad you are getting some assistance to getting well.

rambydave

"I would rather spend the rest of my life dealing with life's challenges sober, than to be an active alcoholic with a winning lottery ticket."

I love that line. A lot of what you said I relate to. I think alot about those things and that's why I drank. Right now I feel really lonely and I really can't think of one person that's a good friend. I had to cut out all the "friends" I had to save my life.

FreddyBear

Many thanks to anyone for your fantastic support! I don't feel so alone now. This is SO helpful...

This. Yesterday I drank a ton of beer and don't have any headaches. But depression and feeling of doom is so bad that I want to cry. It seems my psycho became too fragile. I'm beginning to feel better now, but my heart just starting to pounding so hard that I'm afraid someone might hear. Additionaly, I had very bad nightmares today, and woke up in horror and sweat.

Yes, it's an option I can consider, will talk to a doctor about it. Maybe will even consider Antabuse, I don't trust myself anymore.

Delilah1

Hi Freddy,

Being on this site shows you want to stop drinking, and you will find a ton of support here. I tried to stop on my own several times (didn't work!!!).

I finally decided to see a therapist, and have been on SR a lot. Keep reading and posting. I hope your appointment goes well!!!