BabyJane

Cunning, Baffling, and Powerful - that's for sure. I'm new to Sober Recovery (or this forum) and a newcomer to sobriety once more... I relapsed on various drugs two weeks ago when my recently suicidal father went missing AND I got fired from my job. Everytime I relapse I try to go back and figure out where I went wrong, and there's always something about my life as a sober woman in her 20's can not accept or understand. I feel like life is just unbearable sometimes and I don't know how to cope. I DO pray but my concept of God is so vague I have a great deal of difficulty putting my trust in anything spiritually based. Not to sound like a silly brat but where was God when I was a child and and needed protection? Where is God for the thousands of alcoholics and addicts that die alone in gutters and dark corners every day? I grew up Catholic and I can't seem to shake the (overly- simplified) "good vs evil, heaven vs hell, saint vs sinner" god who continually punishes and rewards us like silly little pets. Nor can I conceive of a God who personifies agape love and is only "good" - if that were the case, we still wouldn't have such a tragic, terror-filled world. None of it makes sense, although I know there are many things more powerful than me out there. I'm just getting sick and tired of being in a meeting and hearing yet another "sudden miracle!" spiritual experiences which struck the person like lightening and cured them of this terrible malady.

I am a drug addict to the core. If I had an endless supply of narcotics I don't know if I can honestly say I'd ever stop - I get such relief from my habbit sometimes that I wonder why I don't just give up on being sober and accept that I will either stay high or live the reclusive life of a severely depressed person waiting for my time to die. When I am sober I am either numb or unhappy. Everything seems like a boring chore and I feel tired and angry at the world. There have been good days in sobriety but as soon as a crisis comes up I start to think about my drug. I can usually make it 3-6 months just holding on and doing the program but eventually I always give in. Maybe I really just have a weak constitution and no backbone? I don't know. I have had sponsors (way too many unfortunately) and done steps, service work, book work, H&I, etc. - it just never "sticks" - as soon as life changes too much for the better or worse, I'm gone and out behaving like a lying, thieving, scum with no regard for anyone but myself.

I'm miserable and confused. I feel like my odds are becomming unbalanced; I am practically GUARANTEED to get sent to prison or a morgue soon. I have gotten lucky quite a bit but it will be BAD when it catches up to me. I'm so sad. I just don't know what to do to get better for good. Today I ran out of dope and I cried wondering if I'll possibly make it through tomorrow and how sick I'll be. Why do I keep torturing myself like this? Why do I exist? I literally despise my physical presence. I feel that I have done so much to cause others harm that i should be punished and should suffer. Although, surely we were not all created to live with so much disdain and loathing for ourselves and our fellows?

What can I do? Help please. (I'm very sorry this post was so long and possibly a bit redundant, I am quite a mess today and very shaky)

Thank you all,
Leah C.

Natom

Welcome to the forums BabyJane,

Your story, well at least the one regarding working a program, echoes mine. I also made it 3-6 months before a relapse. And it happened every single bloody time, without fail. I had no concept, whatsoever, of God. I used to pray, but I used to pray that I would win the lottery so I could clear my gambling debts. I was also numb and unhappy. I hated the world and thought it was out to get me, and also that it owed me happiness, it owed me something thats for sure.

Long story short, I ended up in rehab and found my concept of God. I complete 180'd. I changed, everything, my life, my attitudes, my friends, sounds easy when I put it like that but it wasn't. It took a great deal of effort and perseverance to turn away from the things that I knew and loved.

Now just because I say I found God doesn't mean I had a spiritual awakening. I just sat there one day after coming back from rehab and it hit me that within the last 4 months I had risen from the bottom up really bloody quickly. I still build on my own concept of God because something other than me has been helping me recently. I have no idea who or what it is but I know that if I put one step in the right direction I usually get some form of guidance.

You exist because you do. You exist for a reason, you may not know what it is until next week, next month, or in the next ten years but everyone on earth is here for some reason. I don't know what mine is but I am sure I will find out eventually. I can just wish you the best of luck in your journey. These forums are full of support and experience.

Natom.

awuh1

I found your post interesting. I had many of those same concerns regarding God. How could a loving God allow such awful things to happen! It just didn’t make sense. How to resolve this ? Don’t believe in God….problem solved. Then to add insult to injury I became an alcoholic.

It turned out that through the long struggle with alcoholism I eventually came to an understanding of God which I never had before. What I thought was unfair adversity (my alcoholism) turned out to itself be the thing that lead me to search for an understanding that could make some sense. I found one.

It’s the seeking that is itself important IMO. I had never reallt done that. My advice is to find your own conception of God . Forget everything you’ve ever been told about what God it is or is not. Seek honestly and with a completely open mind.

instant

Sorry about your overall situation. I think you will have a better chance clean and sober.

I don't get into God as the man upstairs.

I don't go to AA but light, reflections and the moon were my higher power- now they are only one aspect of it.

It will be a full moon tomorrow or thereabouts. It shines on us all.