mfox

At 5:00 a.m. my phone started going off with text messages from AH. Apparently he is quite a catch....at least that is what he told me. He went through all of his possitive attributes and then told me what a wonderful person he is and how lucky I am to have him - to have someone who loves me as much as he does. He then proceeded to tell me how my lack of interest in intimacy with him is what keeps driving him to use because if I was just as in love with him as I used to be he wouldn't have the overwhelming desire to use. And, for the record, my "lack of interest" means that it doesn't happen EVERY DAY.

Then he laid out his plan... He is going to stop smoking TODAY, go to at least 2 meetings a week, get a job within a month, start working out again, start bible study and do whatever he needs to to "get right with Jesus" IF..... (of course there is a catch)...

IF I promise to do everything I can - to reform MY ways - to make sure he knows how much I love him and want him. IF I put my ring back on and change my Facebook status back to married. IF I do everything I have been doing for FIVE YEARS WHILE HE CONTINUED ACTIVELY USING!!!

And if I don't... Oh, yes..... there's that. You see, he feels slighted. He feels like he deserves to be loved and desired more. He just can't live his life with someone who simply loves him unconditionally. I also have to be passionately burning with desire for him every minute of every day - even though HIS ADDICTION, his broken promises, lies, suicide threats are what pushed me so far away. So, if I can promise him that RIGHT NOW, before he even steps foot into an NA meeting, he is simply going to find someone else who will love him the way he needs to be loved.

All of this followed with a "please don't test me on this" and "I love you so much I never want to lose you."

Took me a long time to reply. In fact, instead I went outside and finished painting my house first. When I did respond I told him I hoped he would do all of the things that he said he would, but that he could not manipulate, threaten or guilt me into anything. That I love him and that I someday hope to have the man I fell in love with back in my life. And the ONLY way to get there is for him to fight his addiction while I deal with my own issues.

I haven't heard back from him. It would devastate me if he does, in fact, find someone else. But I also told him that is his choice and I can't stop him.

This whole process really sucks! But I think I'm getting stronger. I hope so anyway.

suki44883

They're just precious, aren't they?

newnormal4me

Oh my! That sounds almost word for word of text messages i've received from my AH. amazing how the scripts of complete strangers can be nearly identical. Geez. If only it were that darn easy!

Hang in there...I understand completely!

Rosiepetal

Shifting the blame makes them feel less guilty.
Its so wrong but for unwell people how can they see the truth?
Sorry you're having to deal with this BS.
We're here for you.

LoveMeNow

Mfox - have you read the post by Cynical One about Crack and sex addiction? It's very interesting and from what I am told - it is dead on! (It's in her blog.)

I hope you continue to take care of YOU. You deserve to be happy and have a life without all the insanity. God Bless!

lightseeker

I'm sorry that you are having to go through this. It's crazy making.

My exhusband attempted to extract promises from me too....lots of me stepping up to the plate so he could decide if it was worth it to do the recovery thing. I tried it his way for 6 years and it NEVER worked. I hope that you just stay strong like you are and shake it off.

I think that I am now a proxy resident of Missouri....it's the "SHOW ME" state. No more efforts from me until I see actual change that I am not the driver of.... Then we'll talk.

outtolunch

There's a one wrod term for this nonsense.

QUACKING

LoveMeNow

Mfox? I have a question for you or anyone else that would like to answer it....

If your addict was working a recovery program, would you go back or stay with them?
I am just curious how others feel about this.

mfox

LMN - Great question... but I just don't know. I have thought about it. It would take a VERY long time for me to say yes. I've already told him he needs to stay in Oregon with his mom - or his own place or whatever, for at least a year. Time to get clean and have a solid recovery program working for him. He needs to get a job and re-learn what being clean and responsible is all about. I have told him how much I love him and how much I want our life together back, but that there is a long road ahead to get there.

But, realistically, I think that with that much time apart, there really is no way to continue our relationship. I see him finding someone new who will "validate" his feelings. Who will make him feel better about his situation where I no longer do that. In short, I think he will find another enabler and therefore will not get the recovery that he - that WE - need if we are ever going to be together again.

That makes me sad...to think that there is really no hope for us. To know that I am hanging onto shreds of a broken relationship still hoping that the phenomenal man I fell in love with will ever be back.

I'm hoping that this time apart will help ME. Give me some perspective on MY life. I know I deserve so much more. It's the memories - the FANTASIES of the life you dreamt of with them - that keep you hanging on hoping the person you love will come back. And scared to death that if they do come back that they will relapse and you will be right back to square one.

I don't realistically see us ever getting back together again. So I am dealing with it the best way I know how. I am sad. I've lost my best friend - we did EVERYTHING together. We are HUGE San Francisco Giants fans and I am watching OUR team dominate the World Series without him. I miss that. I miss my friend. I miss all the great times we've had. But I can't live in the center of a hurricane any longer. I deserve better and more.

mstrust

mfox...I feel for you. I am in a very similar position with my boyfriend. I'm hanging onto fantasies and memories--that now I'm not even sure represented the reality of the situation anyway. I don't know how to let go and I feel worse now than I did before. I have absolutely gone off the deep end as far as my codependency is concerned. I can tell you and anyone else the things I KNOW rationally...but I feel paralyzed in this place of feeling awful, hurt, rejected, helpless, etc.

LMN--I have asked myself quite a few times, what would I do if he told me he was going to rehab and going to work a program and really get serious about getting help? I don't know. I have so much resentment right now and trust has been so shattered that I don't know if either one of us could deal with what it would take to get back on track.

Katiekate

LMN, I would not.

I could not, I couldn't do it to myself, I would be living my life in chaos again.

Always waiting for the other shoe to drop.

pep

LMN
I definitely would never go back. It wouldn't be fair to me or him to be in a relationship where trust has been shattered so resolutely it can never be restored to what it was before. We both deserve better.

devastated

Hello MFOX,

WOW, I think you've got it!! Good for you, girl, you gave him the right answer to his text. I think you're doing great!

How'd the paint job go? LOL

Hugs, Devastated

90210

LoveMeNot: “I have a question for you or anyone else that would like to answer it....If your addict was working a recovery program, would you go back or stay with them?” I was with my boyfriend for four years and maybe its because we’ve broken up that I say this because he is in rehab and wants to get back together. Wants me there for him when he gets out. But! Actions speak louder than words. So me personally if he was working a recovery program it would take serious dedication and time to prove to me that it was real and that he was able to have a relationship and recover.

90210

Mfox. I'm sorry for the troubles that you have had, and I wish you all the best. Clearly you're strong, that seems to be the key!

FindingErica

As someone said above, your AH is quacking. If he wanted to get clean, he would go get clean without using his promised recovery to emotionally blackmail you into catering to his sense of entitlement further.

I swear there is a book of Ad Libs for Addicts out there and they just fill in the blanks of the same basic script. I got darn tired ofhearing the same script of what I wasnt doing or doing enough of FOR HIM. Always about what he wanted and what he wasnt getting from me. Therefore I was to blame for all his ills. My older brother summed him up best when he said "your husband acts like a spoiled brat teenager."

FindingErica

I thought that working a program would be enough. But by the time AH started doing that, it was too little too late. He had sucked everything out of me and I was an empty shell. He was such a needy addict, hes a needy person anyway, but the addiction made him so much worse. Then in recovery he has been so self centered. It went from being all about him to being all about him. He said his recovery was the number one priority. Thats his life. The kids and providing them with stability was my number one priority. Thats my life. So for me, no, it just doesnt matter anymore. There is a mindset to addicts and I think even with recovery it takes a long time to get out of.

mfox

After reading so many of these posts from so many people, I have to agree with you. The same lines, the same blame, the same threats, the same guilt trips. Just change out the names and it is the same story repeated again and again and again. Like a bad soap opera.

I am so grateful for this site. For so long I felt so ALONE. Like I was the only one who had ever dealt with this situation. I was grasping at straws and fighting and struggling to figure it out. I felt like it was my fault and my place to "fix" everything. It is somewhat relieving to know there are others out there who have experienced the exact same thing - right down to the same excuses, threats and blame. Granted it's also very sad that so many of us are experiencing the same thing.

Thank you all for your thoughts and feedback. Trying to be so strong is HARD. It is so much easier when you have a support system. We all know that our friends and families get so tired of hearing the same stories. I am glad I found you all.

FindingErica

MFox, that is how I felt when I came here. I couldnt believe others were putting up with the same nonsense. When you wrote this, "Apparently he is quite a catch....at least that is what he told me. He went through all of his possitive attributes and then told me what a wonderful person he is and how lucky I am to have him - to have someone who loves me as much as he does. He then proceeded to tell me how my lack of interest in intimacy with him is what keeps driving him to use because if I was just as in love with him as I used to be he wouldn't have the overwhelming desire to use. And, for the record, my "lack of interest" means that it doesn't happen EVERY DAY.". I had this exact conversation with AH so many times. Id have to hear about how lucky I was to have a husband like him and he would stop using but I had to do my part, which usually entailed me doing more than I already was. And there was never enough sex... Never, ever. Even if it was twice a night, seven nights per week, it was like he had sex amnesia. But his conversations with me felt more and more like emotional blackmail. It got so bad he would start these conversations by accusing me of trying to kill him because I left a load of laundry on the floor and he almost tripped; which would launch into a discussion of what an inadequate wife I was compared to the sacrificial glory that was him, and here he was sticking it out with such a flawed, miserable creature. He was wonderful, he was in a prison called marriage, I didnt care about him because... Etc. the worst was when he wanted 3k deposited into his account or he was shutting off my cell phone- which he did. These are sick minds. There is no give and take, only give, give and give some more on our part and take, take, take from the addict. If you were able to deliver on every one of his demands this week, next week he would have a whole new list. I knew if I stayed with him, his recovery would be just as self serving and consuming as his addiction, because it was all about him all the time. Frankly I think it will take him a couple years of recovery program, good therapy, intense soul searching and self realization for him to get out of selfish mode.