jakec

I can't believe I let myself slip this far. I thought I was doing really well when in reality I just traded one addiction for another.

I'm 11 days off of dxm, im happy about that, but still dissapointed in myself.
I smoked weed 4 days during the week.
Last night I abused my adderall.. My mom hides it, but I found it... "as long as it's not dxm" I told myself..HA.
And tonight I took too much Adderall again, only this time instead of having "fun" like last night, I feel so ashamed. I've put my Mom through so much pain.. How the f*** can I do that to her? AND I'M STILL CONTINUE TO DO IT, THATS THE F***ED UP PART.. I feel pathetic and weak.. I wish I could just pass out so I wouldn't have to think, but looks like I won't be sleeping a wink tonight til I crash..

It's only been a couple days abusing adderall.. but I feel like im already becoming dependent on it.. throughout today I've been taking caffeine to try and mimic the effects of it and ended up just taking more. Gahhhh.

artsoul

At least you're here posting, jake, and that's a good thing! It hasn't been that long since you got sober, so it's natural that you still have the urge to use/abuse substances. It took quite a while before I felt free of that urge. You can get through them, though.

Part of staying sober is learning to feel our feelings again and changing the way we think about things. It's a learning process, but if you keep with it, you'll get there!

Dee74

There's no logic to addiction Jake.

I don't know what you've been doing for support but maybe you need to add some more?

I think you need to let your mom know whats going on too...I know it will be hard but I think something needs to change here before things get worse, don't you think?


D

jakec

Yes, you're absolutely right.

I'm going to tell my drug counselor about it on monday when I see her, and ask if my mom can join the session.. The drug does good things for me(adderall) when I take it as prescribed, but I obviously don't have the self control to do that, even when the pill bottle is always hidden somewhere..

jakec

Well I was going to wait to discuss this with my mom at drug counseling but my mom actually counted my pills today and realized there were some missing..

It was very hard to talk about it with her. I was so upset and embarrassed and crying.. I try to explain to her how I hate making her go through this and she says I'm just looking for sympathy... this is why I wanted to wait til we were with my counseler.

My mom doesn't want me to go off my meds, this was the first time in my life that I actually feel motivated and happy.. So she's going out and getting a safe today to lock them up. I wish I would've just taken them responsibly so she wouldn't have to waste her money...

Natom

Addiction is one of those things were you can simply chalk stuff off and say it was because of the addiction. There is no logic to what you are doing. That is what addiction is. I was going to ask if you had any support and then I read your last post. You're prescribed adderall which is like an amphetamine right. Obviously I don't know what it is prescribed for and I am not a doctor but perhaps you should go to your doctor and say that although the drug is beneficial is there any alternatives that you could be using instead.

jakec

Yes, Adderall is an amphetamine stimulant. I have Aspergers Syndrome so I have a very very hard time focusing in school.. I've tried so many different meds, this is one of the only ones that makes me feel like im not half dead..

I mean, if it comes to a point where I somehow break into a safe and take them, then yeah I think I would need to be on something else.

FenwayFaithful

Hey Jake I have NLD and it's very similar to AS. There are option other than Adderall out there to help control your focusing, so you should speak with your doctor about those just be sure they're aware of your addiction issues.

Also,Weed makes you pretty unmotivated and unable to focus so that it probably part of your problem here. I think you need to start attending NA meetings and stop using drugs at all. It's like an alcoholic switching from Whiskey to Vodka one drug just replaces another.

In order to be truly happy you're going to have to give up all of it!

I know school is tough with AS. Have you talked to the disability services there? In my experiencing they have been very helpful, they are required my law to help you! I will say however since quitting drinking and occtional drug use my focus has gotten a lot better!

Anna

Jake, I'm glad you're going to be talking to your counsellor soon. It's obvious that feel badly about hurting your Mom and involving her in this. So, why not show her, with your actions, that you are changing?