mdkathy62

My ABF is now my XABF. He relapsed and was in complete denial. He went as far as to say his sponsor said it was normal to use alcohol while early in recovery, but what he didn't know was I speak to his sponsor weekly asking him to tell me more about alcoholism, AA, and all things I can't understand. I left him on Wednesday. Last night (Friday) he came over and started packing some of his things. I haven't had a big cry yet. I'm not sure where I stand emotionally. I miss him, but not really. I feel alone, but somewhat glad that I am alone. I haven't had the motivation to do what I normally do. I've been laying in bed a lot and slowly trying to clean the house, do laundry, and slowly trying to talk to my close friends about it.

We had been together for a little over 3 years and this is the third time we are breaking up and I WILL make it the last. In the past, everytime we broke up, I would go out and tell all of our mutual friends about all the things he did and was always determined to show him what he missed out on (e.g. shopping for clothes, working out, looking better, etc). It was not the best way to handle things. I kept trying to win his approval and hoped he would miss me.

This time, I've kept what happened to my close friends. I do want to go shopping, but because I haven't gone in a long time because I decided on my own to save money and spend it towards him, towards "us". Everyone says things will get better and I will eventually be glad he is out of my life. Right now, I'm having difficulty identifying how I feel which is frustrating. I'm not crying my eyes out, I'm not completely laying in bed all day, I don't have the urge to contact him, so...what is wrong with me? I fear that if I can't identify how I feel I might lose it one day and go running back to him, or maybe I'm just so numb and cold after everything that happened that I feel indifferent? Idk...

SparkleKitty

Why does there have to be something wrong with you? You've just been through a big life change and had a lot of new information come at you all at once. It's normal to be numb and to not understand how you feel. Do you have to work it out right away? Or can it be okay to not really know how you feel right now?

Seems like the previous break-ups were a lot about him, and showing him stuff, and winning his approval. This time, it sounds like it's all about you -- and it's bound to feel different. I think that's a good thing though. You're working on you now, and there's no roadmap, and sometimes you might just be sitting around wondering which way to go next. It's okay though. Better to wait and make a good choice, then rush and make a bad one, right?

I think you have a great head on your shoulders and an incredibly bright future!

mdkathy62

Thank you SparkleKitty. Your words reminded me it's ok to not have anything figured out. It's not a place I'm used to--uncertainty. I have all these fears of starting over, of no contact, of staying strong, and a part of me wants to have the best possible game plan set up to counter all my fears. It's a scary place where I am at right now. You would think that being away from the alcoholic, the up and down rollercoaster, is reassuring, but it also feels different to not worry, to not constantly be thinking what can I do for him? I don't know if I've ever had this much quiet alone time, just laying here with my own thoughts. The days seem to go by much slower. I wish I could just pop up and be ok again. The transition is uncomfortable, but much needed.

rainiee

My AH & I had never broke up before so this is a bit different for me than you... sort of? He used to do disappearing acts every month (picking a drunken fight with me & then storming out) that would last for 1-7 days. I guess during those periods aside from not knowing if he was okay or not I would fill my time with "look what you missed" as well as every day I'd try & make myself look fabulous so if it was the day he decided to come home he'd see what he had waiting at home & want to stay (wow, did I really sink so low?). This time It's now been 17 days & I really don't know what's happening as I finally saw him last Monday & well, told me we were working it out as a loving married couple & then disappeared again. Seriously? Sick & twisted & every day I get more firm on I don't care what he's doing or how he's destroying his life on a lot of levels as the way he has treated me is truly unforgivable.

Anyhow, I am like you & don't have any clear plan on what I'm doing/feeling & my biggest downfall is... I'm lonely! I have lived alone many times for many years & it was always fine. Now the empty rooms seem to taunt me. These moments are when I feel weak & feel like I need to keep waiting on him to love me or reach out or... what ever unhealthy choice I make because I'm not used to feeling this lonely & alone. However with each day he stays missing from my life or each day that goes by with out a response I realize more & more that what he's done is unspeakable & if I took him back I'd stay "sick". Nothing would change if he was here. I'd still be lonely, he'd still be a drunk, I'd still be treated like crap at least once a month... Good times.

Don't feel like there is something wrong with you. I think we feel so many different emotions at the same time that it makes us numb. As the day or days progress though I have a better handle on one emotion at a time & it makes it easier to focus on ME.
I have told a handful of friends the ugly truth starting from beginning to end & each one has the same response... their jaw drops in shock & horror. Yup- welcome to my nightmare, couldn't make this up if I tried! As for anyone I'm not "close" to or is his extended family I don't say much. I am not going to bad mouth him as not only is that a waste of my time but it's important to me to know he can NEVER twist that in to "OMG, you'll never believe what she did, I had to get out...". Sorry pal, you screwed over a good hearted person, live with that guilt all by yourself!

You'll figure out how you feel just give it time.

mdkathy62

Thanks rainiee for sharing.

I feel the same way in regards to the empty rooms. I had lived by myself for so many years as well. Even in high school, I used to go home after school and never went out. My parents were very strict. My first 2-3 years in college I went out more, but I was ok with being alone. After 3 years of being so used to having my XABF around, it feels weird now to have all this alone time. I made my world all about him whether I was with friends, at work, at school, everything was about him. And you're right, even if they come back, we still feel lonely because they still ignore us.

In the past, whenever we broke up, it was my mission to tell everyone my story. I wanted everyone to know about all the horrible things that happened. I wanted a sense of justice. I wanted everyone's approval. I wanted them to see that he was wrong and I was right and he missed out. It was amazingly childish and even selfish that I just needed everyone's approval. A part of me feels a need for justice this time, but I also know that it won't make me feel any better inside. It won't solve all my problems. The problems are within me so I've kept it to close friends, all of them also jaw-dropped as well. My friend said, sometimes we never get closure. Idk what makes me want to have this justified feeling. I want him to apologize, but to mean it, not just say he's sorry and do some kind of emotional appeal to sucker me back in. Do they ever truly realize what they've done? I feel like we sit here realizing what we have done (e.g. enabling, wanting to win approval, selfish, etc), but do they ever realize what they have done?? Will they ever truly, genuinely be sorry that they hurt us and others?

rainiee

Very good question!
I think he knows what he's done & I think somewhere inside he feels sick about it but I don't think it matters to him right now as he's wrapped up in his own lost soul. I also think that he's enjoying the misery & self hate for what he has done based on what I know of him & his past.
Always the role of the Martyr...

Sure, I do wish he would own up to what he has done & own up to how incredibly CRUEL he's been to someone who's fault was... they fell in love with him. I am certain that I will never have that conversation with him though & that even on the miniscule chance he did, I couldn't trust that he wasn't just telling me what I wanted to hear...

From what I understand he's told some people "I just was tired of fighting all the time & her kicking me out & being homeless. I also think we rushed in to things". Well, yes, sometimes I did ask him to leave the room I was in & stop trying to pick a fight with me while drunk but he used it as an excuse to leave the home. I would beg him to not disappear, he would & then I would spend days begging him to come home & never get a response. As for "rushing" in to things. Give me a break. We were both willing participants in how our relationship progressed. Honestly- I don't care what he tells people & all things considered what he's saying isn't as twisted as it could be so I don't feel hurt by his choice of reality.

I tell my friends the ugly truth not for any other reason than to gain the support I very much need. If I don't tell them the truth or just a part of it I wouldn't be getting the much needed advise & support. I am in total shock that anyone could do this to someone they "love" (or someone who loves them) & I have needed help to try & process it. I'm also only sharing this with people who either are not close to him or don't know him at all. I wouldn't want to tell his friends what has happened & what he's done as I want them to make their own choice about who he is as a person & don't want them to feel like they are in the middle & now uncomfortable.

It's such a mess & the way he's treating me makes me feel like he's a monster. I know, it's the addiction but that almost feels like an "excuse" to get away with it.

mdkathy62

I feel that way often times, that their addiction, their recovery is an excuse to treat people this way. I got so tired of being told I have to be patient and that he was trying. Even simple things of folding laundry took weeks and then somehow it was because he's still trying.

I'm trying to come to terms that perhaps he will never truly understand what has happened and even if he does, unfortunately, I don't believe a single word that comes out of his mouth and my heart is too hurt to try to let him prove it with actions.

I've been wanting to do martial arts for months and months and kept putting it off because I had spent most of my money on him (my choice, my fault) so I just signed up for some. After we moved in the summer, my gym became too far away, like an hour away, but I just found out that they're opening one by my house now. It feels almost like a sign that I'm doing the right thing. Everything I've been wanting is finally falling into place.

I feel somewhat guilty that I'm not crying over him, not missing him. It's strange, but I'm happy to finally be focusing on myself, my happiness, and not care what he or anyone else thinks of me. Thank you everyone here for sharing your experiences. SR has helped me in so many ways and I continue to come here multiple times a day. Whenever I feel down, or do start to miss him, I come on here and read everyone's stories and share my own. It reminds me that I'm doing what's right for me.

soexhausted

My relationship with my XAGF ended about two weeks ago.
It too was our third breakup. The only difference was the first two times we broke up she left me.
Finally I had enough. Enough pain, hurt and suffering.
A totally one sided relationship where I gave everything. And she gave practically nothing.
I tried everything to keep her happy.
"I was only happy when she was happy."
This all was my addiction!
When people like us loose our addiction we do not grieve, we go through withdrawal.
It is painful. But as with any other addiction once we overcome it. We are now able to have a far brighter future.
I have received much comfort from Al Anon.
There are still many days I miss her. Like a sober alcoholic who still misses a drink.
She is sober now 75 days.
But her selfishness and narcism are still well in tact.
So on those days that I start to miss her.
I always say to myself "what am I really missing?
Isn't it time that I had a partner that cared as much about me as I care about her?"

freeatlast1313

To Soexhausted,
yes it is, read SR, work the al anon steps it will set you free. Pain does subside (slowly). Move on sweet man, you deserve a healthy give and take relationship. Not possible with an addict. jmho
Free

Toss

Sounds like you are very strong and have had enough. Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice shame on ME!

I like soexhausted's phrase "There are still many days I miss her. Like a sober alcoholic who still misses a drink." I miss drinking, but I decided I would miss my wife and kids more. Took me several tries to realize that, but I did.

It's funny how a reaction is not what you expected, maybe it's because deep down you want to live for yourself, not to live to support someone's selfish, unhealthy lifestyle.

Good luck,

Toss

Lynnrae2

What a great post. This sums up my feelings almost perfectly!!!!!!!!!! I always said he was to me as alcohol was to him.......... thank you so much for sharing that.

mdkathy62

"There are still many days I miss her. Like a sober alcoholic who still misses a drink."

This is so true...It's almost 4pm here. I was so pumped this morning, cleaning, eating, etc. and now I feel like the day is dragging on and on. I don't feel like going out and distracting myself with lots of friends, but now I'm not sure what to do with myself. It must be how the alcoholic feels when they go through a few hours without a drink then by evening time, the desire to drink comes back. I don't miss him per se, but as the day gets longer, I start to feel like man...what am I going to do with all these hours in the day by myself?

rainiee

It's almost 1PM here & I too feel like it's a day that will never end. I mean seriously? It's not 6PM at the very least?!?
I can't go out... not only am I too broke thanks to AH but none of my friends live close to me. Another problem is... my AH & his AF (AKA: AH's new sugar daddy) live in my building until the end of the month & I'm terrified of running in to them. I can only hope since this is the last weekend of the month they move today or tomorrow. I may be feeling stronger & more confident in me but to run in to them moving out would put me back at square one, for sure!
Oh well, my plan since I don't actually need to leave is to hang out on the computer, watch some movies & well... do my own thing. Protecting my own sanity is far more important that just a need to leave for the day to go faster.

mdkathy62

Hi rainee,

Thank you for sharing. No matter how much I feel alone, I come onto SR and reminded that I am not alone. My friend is texting me telling me to go out, go do this and that, and it's agitating me. I tell her I'm still feeling embarrassed and ashamed so I'm not ready to go out yet. I still need to work out my thoughts before I can face the world and they say to 'just get over it', you're not weak, etc. And while I wish I could just get over it, it's so hard. I wish I could just call my friends up and say hey lets go out tonight and have a good time, but I know that even if I go out and distract myself, the feelings won't go away until I really work on them. I still feel embarrassed and ashamed that I stayed with him so long, I feel like everyone judges me for being so weak, and to a larger extent, I judge myself. What is wrong with me that I stayed so long? I don't necessarily want to sit in my apartment alone, but I can work out my thoughts here without people saying 'just get over it' all the time in my ear. And my budget is also not in a place to go out on a shopping spree right now because I spent so much on him. So lol...at home it is. I don't want to just go out and drink my feelings away or rebound. Till I am mentally stronger, working out, taking care of myself emotionally, and coming to SR to work on myself is all I have and I wish people in my life could just understand that. At the least, I recognize I have a problem vs my AXBF who is still in denial that he relapsed.

lovesunandsnow

Rainiee and Mdkathy62,

I think we all three are in some sort of similar zone of feelings right now with our new to figure out lives. There is not a day in the last two months I wouldn’t have gave my right arm for my ex-a to call and say he is SORRY, sorry for everything he has done, but what I understand now is he is not sorry, never will be unless he gets help for the shame and loneliness he faces every day that keeps him drinking, know that I know this I feel sorry for him. The extreme pain my heart and soul have been in for the last 4 months is I’m sure nothing like what he feels daily when he is not drinking. He has to drink to numb the pain of his past. I know I asked him to leave but when he did two days later I’d call saying please are you okay, where are you, come home lets work it out. What a fool I was, it just fueled him more to disappear more often and turn his phone off. Plus it made me feel awful to call because I would lose more of me in the process. The lies he told people that I was the monster and it was entirely my fault for him running away. The funny thing also is I finally got it that the more he talks bad about me to his “friends” someday or if they are sober they will figure out it is him and not me because my friends had let me know all along there is something wrong here and questioned me all the time about my ex-a but I just kept it to myself I was ashamed of his actions. It’s hurtful but after yesterday I feel a shift inside me happening, and it’s partly because of talking with you all. It helps to know that I’m not alone, I live alone now and use to love it, now I’m like you two, I wish someone was here but not him. So thank you both for your posts and everyone else I can honestly say it has helped me tremulously

mdkathy62

Hi Rainiee and lovesunandsnow,

It must look a bit obsessive that I have been writing in this thread all day. SR is saving me in so many ways, saving me from crying, from calling him up and begging him to come back, from blaming myself, and so forth. I wish our recovery could speed up so these days didn't feel so slow. I do feel sympathetic towards my ex. The more I feel pain, the more I imagine his must be worst because for him, it's not going to end anytime soon. He's still in denial. While he distracts himself with video games or relapsing, there will come a day when he can't ignore it, and I hope for him it will be soon.

The past times that we broke up, my ex did say things about me and the more I think about it, I feel like he doesn't say it to trash talk me, but that he actually believed the things he was saying. He believes that I was controlling (and yes I was), but no matter how controlling I was, he decided to go with it. Just like I can't blame him for me sticking around for as long as I did, he can't blame me for his decisions.

My friend was telling me about her brother who isn't an alcoholic but has the same tendencies. That for the past four years, he was lying to his family that he was going to college, and it turns out he hadn't been at all. Why do they do that? I will never understand. I'm having trouble coming to the realization that I had been lying to myself for 3 years and to everyone around me this whole time that I was in a great relationship! How can they live in these web of lies for so long and not come forward and tell the truth? Not work on improving things? Because that's where I'm at now. I don't want to live in these lies anymore. I don't want to be in this illusion that I'm progressing when I'm not.

SoloMio

Have you signed up for those martial arts classes yet? Whatever money you have saved up "for us"--how is it best used for YOU???

lovesunandsnow

I understand about the lies. I lied to myself to, and I see one year ago this month where I could have changed my path with him, saved myself time, grief and TONS of money, but the heart wants what we want and now I know with my counslor helping me understand I am a co-dependent, well I am able to fix that much sooner that my EX-A will fix his lonley self. I feel for him like you do for your and yes I've been on here most of the day to. It is helping me so much to put two and two together, answer questions that I will never wonder again. Its that he is sick, so sick that I don't know if they can come out of it. I pray he dose only because he has a daughter that I feel so sorry for. She is on a long road to co-depenency to, I see it now with her but that is not my family so I have no say in anything and it's time to move on and start with having fun. I don't remember those days but I'm going to find them again. You will to, keep posting and keep the faith things will turn around because you want them to for yourself.

NYCDoglvr

I'm sure there were be good days and days you feel awful. The more active you can be (take up fast walking) the easier it will be. Isolating at home (even if you feel like it) makes it very tough to have emotional balance. Alanon? Congratulations, I know it's tough.

mdkathy62

Hi SoloMio, there was a groupon for unlimited martial arts classes for a month that I just bought today. I was thinking of things I want to do for myself, one of which is to continue with my fitness and branch out beyond just going to the gym. A part of me fears being alone even though I was alone before I met my ex, I got used to being codependent. I was thinking of ways to overcome the fear of being alone. It sounds kind of silly, but I was thinking, I'm going to go to a sit down restaurant and eat by myself, no phone, no book, nothing. Just eat by myself and enjoy being myself and with myself. Somewhere I let "myself" become my ex and I together.

It's weird because I like shopping by myself, going to the gym by myself, but now I can't tell you when's the last time I truly did that without worrying about what to buy for my ex while I was shopping, without worrying about having to be home to cook him dinner. I let myself get so addicted to doing everything for him, being with him, just him altogether. Tomorrow a big storm is supposed to hit this area and I have my flip flops out ready to go take a little walk in the storm. A part of me just wants to BE. What if people look outside and think man that girl is crazy? Oh well. While my ex and I broke up twice before this last time, I've never felt the feelings I am feeling now before. I just feel really at peace with my decision and I hope that feeling continues. I just want to BE. Maybe that's my new mantra. I want to let go and let God.