Am I or Aren't I?
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: NB, Canada
Posts: 26
Am I or Aren't I?
I'm so confused... looking for guidance. I've been reading these forums for a long time but this is my first time registering/asking.
I was sober for more than 2.5 years. Six months ago, I was offered a job I was in competition for for over a year. I was ecstatic. I moved to my hometown - where I hadn't been since I was a teenager - and began my new job. I promptly went to meetings, got a home group, chatted with my old sponsor online but never found one here. I didn't like the meetings, I didn't like that the crowd was older and mostly male, I didn't like the speakers, on and on. I stopped going to meetings about three months ago. In these six months, my younger sister, who'd been straight/sober four years relapsed and went back out.
This is just to say that I know I've been feeling the stress of my new job, new home and sister no longer being in my life (she refuses to communicate with our fam). I've been fantasizing about drinking a lot these six months. More than before.
Yesterday was my 30th birthday. My work friends were going to a local pub and asked me to join for my birthday. I said yes, with NO intention to drink. I was to appear for a half hour to an hour, have a drink of pop, and meet a girlfriend who was buying me birthday dinner (the gf knows I'm sober). I get there and am immediately uncomfortable. I ordered a pop, inhaled it, ordered another, then a basket of fries -- I felt completely out of control and while not even drinking.
BUT, and this is where I most need guidance, my train of thought was 'am I truly an alcoholic? Why can't I enjoy a couple beers on my birthday? I was so immature years ago - how do we know it's alcohol?' I feel that a lot of my sobriety has been the direct result of my total fear of being an alcoholic. I'm so scared that people are right and that when I contradict what they say, it's my denial speaking. But what if my real problem is my lack of self-confidence? Do you know what I mean? Even writing these words, I fear the elusive 'denial' is speaking, and I'm aware that it may be. But what if it's really fear? Ugh, I feel like I'm talking in circles, but this is what goes on in my head day-to-day.
I digress... a couple of my colleagues know I don't drink and that I self-identified as an alcoholic. So I'm inhaling my pop and food when a colleague asks if he can buy me a drink. I say no thanks and he says let me know if you change your mind. I wanted a drink so bad, I just wanted to enjoy myself and be normal and celebrate. The waitress came back with a round and the same colleague, seeing me watch her, asked again and I said something like 'No. You know, yes. No, I am going to get a beer.' And that was it. I got a beer. A coworker beside me, one of the ones who knew I didn't drink, smiled, didn't say anything and I immediately thought 'am I crazy?! She doesn't think it's bad!' So I drank my beer and it was delicious. I looked at the time and saw I was to meet my friend in 20m so I texted her, cancelling. She called several times and I ignored her calls and drank 3 more beers in the next 20 minutes or so. I loosened up but tightened up too, thinking of my parents, my mom at home proud of her sober daughter.
The guilt got to me and I called my mother, telling her I had had "a drink".
I drove home, cried, resolved to go back to AA today, but woke up thinking the whole ordeal wasn't that bad at all.
So here I am.
I drank.
Got sober in 2010.
Drank last night, just four beers in half-hour.
Drove home.
Felt guilt,remorse,shame (but was it more because I wasn't pleasing those I love)
Woke up and felt less guilt.
Am now thinking what would be the big deal if I drank four beers once a week, or even month!
I am not writing this way with the hopes that anybody will agree with me. I'm writing this way because something deeper than my physical desire for alcohol brought me here. I want to drink but I want stop if I'm alcoholic but I want to be certain I'm an alcoholic before I stop --- does that ring a bell to you?
I write this way because I have to be completely honest. These are the defenses that always bring me back to drinking and if I don't air them out, I will always have them on the back burner.
Am I an alcoholic? Why don't my workmates think so? And if I am, how can I convince myself I am? If I am, how do I silence the denial?
Thanks in advance. These boards have saved me from myself many times.
I was sober for more than 2.5 years. Six months ago, I was offered a job I was in competition for for over a year. I was ecstatic. I moved to my hometown - where I hadn't been since I was a teenager - and began my new job. I promptly went to meetings, got a home group, chatted with my old sponsor online but never found one here. I didn't like the meetings, I didn't like that the crowd was older and mostly male, I didn't like the speakers, on and on. I stopped going to meetings about three months ago. In these six months, my younger sister, who'd been straight/sober four years relapsed and went back out.
This is just to say that I know I've been feeling the stress of my new job, new home and sister no longer being in my life (she refuses to communicate with our fam). I've been fantasizing about drinking a lot these six months. More than before.
Yesterday was my 30th birthday. My work friends were going to a local pub and asked me to join for my birthday. I said yes, with NO intention to drink. I was to appear for a half hour to an hour, have a drink of pop, and meet a girlfriend who was buying me birthday dinner (the gf knows I'm sober). I get there and am immediately uncomfortable. I ordered a pop, inhaled it, ordered another, then a basket of fries -- I felt completely out of control and while not even drinking.
BUT, and this is where I most need guidance, my train of thought was 'am I truly an alcoholic? Why can't I enjoy a couple beers on my birthday? I was so immature years ago - how do we know it's alcohol?' I feel that a lot of my sobriety has been the direct result of my total fear of being an alcoholic. I'm so scared that people are right and that when I contradict what they say, it's my denial speaking. But what if my real problem is my lack of self-confidence? Do you know what I mean? Even writing these words, I fear the elusive 'denial' is speaking, and I'm aware that it may be. But what if it's really fear? Ugh, I feel like I'm talking in circles, but this is what goes on in my head day-to-day.
I digress... a couple of my colleagues know I don't drink and that I self-identified as an alcoholic. So I'm inhaling my pop and food when a colleague asks if he can buy me a drink. I say no thanks and he says let me know if you change your mind. I wanted a drink so bad, I just wanted to enjoy myself and be normal and celebrate. The waitress came back with a round and the same colleague, seeing me watch her, asked again and I said something like 'No. You know, yes. No, I am going to get a beer.' And that was it. I got a beer. A coworker beside me, one of the ones who knew I didn't drink, smiled, didn't say anything and I immediately thought 'am I crazy?! She doesn't think it's bad!' So I drank my beer and it was delicious. I looked at the time and saw I was to meet my friend in 20m so I texted her, cancelling. She called several times and I ignored her calls and drank 3 more beers in the next 20 minutes or so. I loosened up but tightened up too, thinking of my parents, my mom at home proud of her sober daughter.
The guilt got to me and I called my mother, telling her I had had "a drink".
I drove home, cried, resolved to go back to AA today, but woke up thinking the whole ordeal wasn't that bad at all.
So here I am.
I drank.
Got sober in 2010.
Drank last night, just four beers in half-hour.
Drove home.
Felt guilt,remorse,shame (but was it more because I wasn't pleasing those I love)
Woke up and felt less guilt.
Am now thinking what would be the big deal if I drank four beers once a week, or even month!
I am not writing this way with the hopes that anybody will agree with me. I'm writing this way because something deeper than my physical desire for alcohol brought me here. I want to drink but I want stop if I'm alcoholic but I want to be certain I'm an alcoholic before I stop --- does that ring a bell to you?
I write this way because I have to be completely honest. These are the defenses that always bring me back to drinking and if I don't air them out, I will always have them on the back burner.
Am I an alcoholic? Why don't my workmates think so? And if I am, how can I convince myself I am? If I am, how do I silence the denial?
Thanks in advance. These boards have saved me from myself many times.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: far away
Posts: 392
Yeah ur at a crossroads in my book. Its difficult for me or I think anyone else to tell you your future and will U derail and hit rock bottom, or can you control it.
For me I like to drink but the outcome always ends up the same wether its right away or a few weeks or a few months. I always end up hating what I've done what im doing and can see no bright future with it.
So i wonder what its like for you? Wat wer ur drinking days like?
Peace.
PS congrats on stopping. And thanks for your post.
For me I like to drink but the outcome always ends up the same wether its right away or a few weeks or a few months. I always end up hating what I've done what im doing and can see no bright future with it.
So i wonder what its like for you? Wat wer ur drinking days like?
Peace.
PS congrats on stopping. And thanks for your post.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
yer workmates dont think so<IMO, because they dont know what alcoholism is.
how to convince yourself?
Despite all we can say, many who are real alcoholics are not going to believe they are in that class. By every form of self-deception and experimentation, they will try to prove themselves exceptions to the rule, therefore nonalcoholic. If anyone who is showing inability to control his drinking can do the right- about-face and drink like a gentleman, our hats are off to him. Heaven knows, we have tried hard enough and long enough to drink like other people!
Here are some of the methods we have tried: Drinking beer only, limiting the number of drinks, never drinking alone, never drinking in the morning, drinking only at home, never having it in the house, never drinking during business hours, drinking only at parties, switching from scotch to brandy, drinking only natural wines, agreeing to resign if ever drunk on the job, taking a trip, not taking a trip, swearing off forever (with and without a solemn oath), taking more physical exercise, reading inspirational books, going to health farms and sanitariums, accepting voluntary commitment to asylums - we could increase the list ad infinitum.
We do not like to pronounce any individual as alcoholic, but you can quickly diagnose yourself. Step over to the nearest barroom and try some controlled drinking. Try to drink and stop abruptly. Try it more than once. It will not take long for you to decide, if you are honest with yourself about it. It may be worth a bad case of jitters if you get a full knowledge of your condition.
how to convince yourself?
Despite all we can say, many who are real alcoholics are not going to believe they are in that class. By every form of self-deception and experimentation, they will try to prove themselves exceptions to the rule, therefore nonalcoholic. If anyone who is showing inability to control his drinking can do the right- about-face and drink like a gentleman, our hats are off to him. Heaven knows, we have tried hard enough and long enough to drink like other people!
Here are some of the methods we have tried: Drinking beer only, limiting the number of drinks, never drinking alone, never drinking in the morning, drinking only at home, never having it in the house, never drinking during business hours, drinking only at parties, switching from scotch to brandy, drinking only natural wines, agreeing to resign if ever drunk on the job, taking a trip, not taking a trip, swearing off forever (with and without a solemn oath), taking more physical exercise, reading inspirational books, going to health farms and sanitariums, accepting voluntary commitment to asylums - we could increase the list ad infinitum.
We do not like to pronounce any individual as alcoholic, but you can quickly diagnose yourself. Step over to the nearest barroom and try some controlled drinking. Try to drink and stop abruptly. Try it more than once. It will not take long for you to decide, if you are honest with yourself about it. It may be worth a bad case of jitters if you get a full knowledge of your condition.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
you can silence the denial byy getting back to meetings, gettin a sponsor, anf working the steps. i really hope you do. i had many times in my past when i stoped( for very short periods) and wheni started drinking again, it was "just a few" but didnt take long to get back to where i was.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 590
Welcome Lyricchi
I think the only one who can trully tell is you. But if you want my opinion, it sure sounds like you are. As for your workmates, they don't know you like you know yourself. So don't listen to them, listen to yourself. I'm not in AA myself but it sounds like they really helped you once. Maybe search for a meeting that more suits your needs. Good luck getting back on track.
I think the only one who can trully tell is you. But if you want my opinion, it sure sounds like you are. As for your workmates, they don't know you like you know yourself. So don't listen to them, listen to yourself. I'm not in AA myself but it sounds like they really helped you once. Maybe search for a meeting that more suits your needs. Good luck getting back on track.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Menominee Mi
Posts: 112
I can totaly relate to your post. My co-workers don't think I am either. I know I am. Word of advice though from an old lady. Don't drink and drive. If you want to anounce your problem to the world, that would be the way to do it. I read my friends names in the paper every day. I'm always glad when it's not in the obituarys. Good luck my dear.
Diana
Diana
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,500
I don't think anyone's co-workers or friends or family can decide if that person is alcoholic or not. When I stopped drinking, I said nothing to anyone. I was SO vulnerable and I knew if someone made any kind of comment, I would cave. If you are not convinced you are an alcoholic, it's going to be hard for you to recover because it takes so much motivation. Hopefully you can find peace with the decision that you make.
Dismember
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Maine, USA
Posts: 33
Originally Posted by Lyricchi 
I'm so confused... looking for guidance. I've been reading these forums for a long time but this is my first time registering/asking.
So I drank my beer and it was delicious. I looked at the time and saw I was to meet my friend in 20m so I texted her, cancelling. She called several times and I ignored her calls and drank 3 more beers in the next 20 minutes or so. I loosened up but tightened up too, thinking of my parents, my mom at home proud of her sober daughter.
The guilt got to me and I called my mother, telling her I had had "a drink".
I drove home, cried, resolved to go back to AA today, but woke up thinking the whole ordeal wasn't that bad at all.
So here I am.
I drank.
Got sober in 2010.
Drank last night, just four beers in half-hour.
Drove home.
....
Am I an alcoholic? Why don't my workmates think so? And if I am, how can I convince myself I am? If I am, how do I silence the denial?
Thanks in advance. These boards have saved me from myself many times.
So I drank my beer and it was delicious. I looked at the time and saw I was to meet my friend in 20m so I texted her, cancelling. She called several times and I ignored her calls and drank 3 more beers in the next 20 minutes or so. I loosened up but tightened up too, thinking of my parents, my mom at home proud of her sober daughter.
The guilt got to me and I called my mother, telling her I had had "a drink".
I drove home, cried, resolved to go back to AA today, but woke up thinking the whole ordeal wasn't that bad at all.
So here I am.
I drank.
Got sober in 2010.
Drank last night, just four beers in half-hour.
Drove home.
....
Am I an alcoholic? Why don't my workmates think so? And if I am, how can I convince myself I am? If I am, how do I silence the denial?
Thanks in advance. These boards have saved me from myself many times.
1. "Just" four beer in a half hour? That's not normal drinking.
2. Drove home after drinking "just" four beers in 30 mins. You were legally drunk.
3. "Woke up thinking the whole ordeal was wasn't so bad after all." Justifying your drinking...
4. "Why don't my workmates think so?" This was the first time they saw you drink, and to be honest, if I saw someone drinking 4 beers in 30 mins, I would wonder what was going on.
Hope this helps. It may not be what you want to hear, but you're on the slippery slope. Get to a meeting if that helps you, but don't drink.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Eastern Us
Posts: 1,366
I don't think it matters if you call yourself an alcoholic or not. What I think matters is did your life get better when you stopped drinking? You must have stopped for a reason,what was it?
Four beers in a 1/2 hour is binge drinking and certainly not healthy. Add that to the fact that you drove home and you are really playing with fire.
I know it feels odd to be at a bar and not to drink, but that is one of the many reasons that I don't go to bars.
Happy Birthday! I hope you find a way leave booze behind you and get on with your life. I didn't drink last night and I woke up without shame and regret. I had a very peaceful morning, drinking coffee, doing a bit of reading, and typing on here. To me that is enough and I am very grateful that I was able to make it here. I hope the same for you!
Four beers in a 1/2 hour is binge drinking and certainly not healthy. Add that to the fact that you drove home and you are really playing with fire.
I know it feels odd to be at a bar and not to drink, but that is one of the many reasons that I don't go to bars.
Happy Birthday! I hope you find a way leave booze behind you and get on with your life. I didn't drink last night and I woke up without shame and regret. I had a very peaceful morning, drinking coffee, doing a bit of reading, and typing on here. To me that is enough and I am very grateful that I was able to make it here. I hope the same for you!
Re-Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Colorado Springs, Colorado
Posts: 7,583
Lyricchi,
I hate to tell you that you aren't very original. You gave in to a relapse that you may have planned consciously or not. The old "I have exercised my will to be sober so long I have proven I am not an alcoholic" self delusion. You read here and should have read that over and over. Also that every one of the folks who survived the relapse to return here said that it was worse than ever before, almost like they were trying to drink their old amounts and double to make up for what they missed.
You have actually hit on more of the old standards than most. Now please don't think me being unsupportive when you are hoping to hear that it is OK for alcoholics to drink again. We all know the way that story ends.
But for some reason, some people act as if they are mesmerized and cannot see the reality of relapse. I have a little over two years sober now. I almost quit SR at six months because I read so many relapse posts, and had so many of my peers in sobriety here relapse to never return, that I was afraid I would start believing that it was inevitable, and that scared me.
I shook that off when I realized that I had to delude myself for that to happen in at least one of the following ways.
1. I was never or am no longer an alcoholic. All those memories of sickness, black outs, accidents or arrests for DUI, were a multi year bad dream that happened to another.
2. I am not having fun. I had more fun when I drank to excess and was the life of the party and woke up sick and terrified that I could not remember, or sometimes worse did remember, what happened.
3. I am anxious/stressed out/depressed/ and need a drink so I can feel relaxed again until I wake up and find I lost my marriage, job, home, money, health.
4. I am an alcoholic but can control it now. Not like before when I couldn't control it once of the thousands of tines I drank.
5. I am better than the alkies here or in meetings. I never did what they did or looked like a drunk except to everyone that saw me while drinking.
6. I am not fun sober and will of course be a brilliant conversationalist and attract many friends who are better than me. Everybody loves being puked on or having their car soiled. It is so much fun!
7. I miss all the fun of drinking because now I have nothing to do. All the expense, risk to life and limb drunk and/or blacked out, waking sick and disabled in the morning wondering if sex occurred and with whom, where, and when. Did I catch something?
8. Waking up with a complete stranger was exciting and fun.
9. Other people who drive drunk have wrecks, not me, I can drive under the influence just fine.
10. The police have forgotten all about me, they won't know about my previous arrests, or if they can check my record than I don't care.
11. I want the approbation of the old bunch of drunks I know. They won't accept me sober. That is better than pleasing my family and those that love me either way.
12. I can't have fun relaxed and not worrying about keeping up appearances and switching stores I buy in, taking the booze trash out to a dumpster so my neighbors and garbage collectors don't know.
And last for now lucky
13. I was not as bad as others and do not believe it will progress for me. I am just going to drink moderately. Ever hear the joke answer when the child is told masturbation will make him blind! So he says "Can I do it till I need glasses?" How many say they will stop if their liver gets a little damaged, or they lose only a job. The sad thing is masturbation won't make you blind, but alcoholism is progressive, that is fact.
There are more but I actually started looking for returning relapsers posts, instead of avoiding them. I felt for them when they said how bad it was and how they were not going to do that again. They should not beat themselves up, as we are truly glad to see them, knowing many others are still out there suffering, and some dead. But I made it a point to learn the relapse excuses, so I would not fall for them or think them for more than a split second.
I have several times had some of those thoughts appear suddenly, but instead of entertaining them for even a moment more, I would laugh at myself out loud and say that I have seen that self delusion before and am not that easily self deceived.
I wish I could say you are unique. But you are not. Whether you continue and see for yourself how low your bottom is, or decide to start again on sobriety and learn from this, you already can find the outcomes in these pages or in the meeting rooms. You don't need my permission or approval to drink. Your decision is yours to make. If you think you are "different" then nothing you read here can help with your relapse decision. It sounds to me like you have already bought into more than one of the above. Moderation is discussed here all the time and I have yet to see one succeed. What are the chances you are the first? That is what you are betting it all on. Good luck.
I hate to tell you that you aren't very original. You gave in to a relapse that you may have planned consciously or not. The old "I have exercised my will to be sober so long I have proven I am not an alcoholic" self delusion. You read here and should have read that over and over. Also that every one of the folks who survived the relapse to return here said that it was worse than ever before, almost like they were trying to drink their old amounts and double to make up for what they missed.
You have actually hit on more of the old standards than most. Now please don't think me being unsupportive when you are hoping to hear that it is OK for alcoholics to drink again. We all know the way that story ends.
But for some reason, some people act as if they are mesmerized and cannot see the reality of relapse. I have a little over two years sober now. I almost quit SR at six months because I read so many relapse posts, and had so many of my peers in sobriety here relapse to never return, that I was afraid I would start believing that it was inevitable, and that scared me.
I shook that off when I realized that I had to delude myself for that to happen in at least one of the following ways.
1. I was never or am no longer an alcoholic. All those memories of sickness, black outs, accidents or arrests for DUI, were a multi year bad dream that happened to another.
2. I am not having fun. I had more fun when I drank to excess and was the life of the party and woke up sick and terrified that I could not remember, or sometimes worse did remember, what happened.
3. I am anxious/stressed out/depressed/ and need a drink so I can feel relaxed again until I wake up and find I lost my marriage, job, home, money, health.
4. I am an alcoholic but can control it now. Not like before when I couldn't control it once of the thousands of tines I drank.
5. I am better than the alkies here or in meetings. I never did what they did or looked like a drunk except to everyone that saw me while drinking.
6. I am not fun sober and will of course be a brilliant conversationalist and attract many friends who are better than me. Everybody loves being puked on or having their car soiled. It is so much fun!
7. I miss all the fun of drinking because now I have nothing to do. All the expense, risk to life and limb drunk and/or blacked out, waking sick and disabled in the morning wondering if sex occurred and with whom, where, and when. Did I catch something?
8. Waking up with a complete stranger was exciting and fun.
9. Other people who drive drunk have wrecks, not me, I can drive under the influence just fine.
10. The police have forgotten all about me, they won't know about my previous arrests, or if they can check my record than I don't care.
11. I want the approbation of the old bunch of drunks I know. They won't accept me sober. That is better than pleasing my family and those that love me either way.
12. I can't have fun relaxed and not worrying about keeping up appearances and switching stores I buy in, taking the booze trash out to a dumpster so my neighbors and garbage collectors don't know.
And last for now lucky
13. I was not as bad as others and do not believe it will progress for me. I am just going to drink moderately. Ever hear the joke answer when the child is told masturbation will make him blind! So he says "Can I do it till I need glasses?" How many say they will stop if their liver gets a little damaged, or they lose only a job. The sad thing is masturbation won't make you blind, but alcoholism is progressive, that is fact.
There are more but I actually started looking for returning relapsers posts, instead of avoiding them. I felt for them when they said how bad it was and how they were not going to do that again. They should not beat themselves up, as we are truly glad to see them, knowing many others are still out there suffering, and some dead. But I made it a point to learn the relapse excuses, so I would not fall for them or think them for more than a split second.
I have several times had some of those thoughts appear suddenly, but instead of entertaining them for even a moment more, I would laugh at myself out loud and say that I have seen that self delusion before and am not that easily self deceived.
I wish I could say you are unique. But you are not. Whether you continue and see for yourself how low your bottom is, or decide to start again on sobriety and learn from this, you already can find the outcomes in these pages or in the meeting rooms. You don't need my permission or approval to drink. Your decision is yours to make. If you think you are "different" then nothing you read here can help with your relapse decision. It sounds to me like you have already bought into more than one of the above. Moderation is discussed here all the time and I have yet to see one succeed. What are the chances you are the first? That is what you are betting it all on. Good luck.
Recovered
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 1,129
Originally Posted by Lyricchi
I'm so confused... looking for guidance. I've been reading these forums for a long time but this is my first time registering/asking.
I was sober for more than 2.5 years. Six months ago, I was offered a job I was in competition for for over a year. I was ecstatic. I moved to my hometown - where I hadn't been since I was a teenager - and began my new job. I promptly went to meetings, got a home group, chatted with my old sponsor online but never found one here. I didn't like the meetings, I didn't like that the crowd was older and mostly male, I didn't like the speakers, on and on. I stopped going to meetings about three months ago. In these six months, my younger sister, who'd been straight/sober four years relapsed and went back out.
This is just to say that I know I've been feeling the stress of my new job, new home and sister no longer being in my life (she refuses to communicate with our fam). I've been fantasizing about drinking a lot these six months. More than before.
Yesterday was my 30th birthday. My work friends were going to a local pub and asked me to join for my birthday. I said yes, with NO intention to drink. I was to appear for a half hour to an hour, have a drink of pop, and meet a girlfriend who was buying me birthday dinner (the gf knows I'm sober). I get there and am immediately uncomfortable. I ordered a pop, inhaled it, ordered another, then a basket of fries -- I felt completely out of control and while not even drinking.
BUT, and this is where I most need guidance, my train of thought was 'am I truly an alcoholic? Why can't I enjoy a couple beers on my birthday? I was so immature years ago - how do we know it's alcohol?' I feel that a lot of my sobriety has been the direct result of my total fear of being an alcoholic. I'm so scared that people are right and that when I contradict what they say, it's my denial speaking. But what if my real problem is my lack of self-confidence? Do you know what I mean? Even writing these words, I fear the elusive 'denial' is speaking, and I'm aware that it may be. But what if it's really fear? Ugh, I feel like I'm talking in circles, but this is what goes on in my head day-to-day.
I digress... a couple of my colleagues know I don't drink and that I self-identified as an alcoholic. So I'm inhaling my pop and food when a colleague asks if he can buy me a drink. I say no thanks and he says let me know if you change your mind. I wanted a drink so bad, I just wanted to enjoy myself and be normal and celebrate. The waitress came back with a round and the same colleague, seeing me watch her, asked again and I said something like 'No. You know, yes. No, I am going to get a beer.' And that was it. I got a beer. A coworker beside me, one of the ones who knew I didn't drink, smiled, didn't say anything and I immediately thought 'am I crazy?! She doesn't think it's bad!' So I drank my beer and it was delicious. I looked at the time and saw I was to meet my friend in 20m so I texted her, cancelling. She called several times and I ignored her calls and drank 3 more beers in the next 20 minutes or so. I loosened up but tightened up too, thinking of my parents, my mom at home proud of her sober daughter.
The guilt got to me and I called my mother, telling her I had had "a drink".
I drove home, cried, resolved to go back to AA today, but woke up thinking the whole ordeal wasn't that bad at all.
So here I am.
I drank.
Got sober in 2010.
Drank last night, just four beers in half-hour.
Drove home.
Felt guilt,remorse,shame (but was it more because I wasn't pleasing those I love)
Woke up and felt less guilt.
Am now thinking what would be the big deal if I drank four beers once a week, or even month!
I am not writing this way with the hopes that anybody will agree with me. I'm writing this way because something deeper than my physical desire for alcohol brought me here. I want to drink but I want stop if I'm alcoholic but I want to be certain I'm an alcoholic before I stop --- does that ring a bell to you?
I write this way because I have to be completely honest. These are the defenses that always bring me back to drinking and if I don't air them out, I will always have them on the back burner.
Am I an alcoholic? Why don't my workmates think so? And if I am, how can I convince myself I am? If I am, how do I silence the denial?
Thanks in advance. These boards have saved me from myself many times.
I was sober for more than 2.5 years. Six months ago, I was offered a job I was in competition for for over a year. I was ecstatic. I moved to my hometown - where I hadn't been since I was a teenager - and began my new job. I promptly went to meetings, got a home group, chatted with my old sponsor online but never found one here. I didn't like the meetings, I didn't like that the crowd was older and mostly male, I didn't like the speakers, on and on. I stopped going to meetings about three months ago. In these six months, my younger sister, who'd been straight/sober four years relapsed and went back out.
This is just to say that I know I've been feeling the stress of my new job, new home and sister no longer being in my life (she refuses to communicate with our fam). I've been fantasizing about drinking a lot these six months. More than before.
Yesterday was my 30th birthday. My work friends were going to a local pub and asked me to join for my birthday. I said yes, with NO intention to drink. I was to appear for a half hour to an hour, have a drink of pop, and meet a girlfriend who was buying me birthday dinner (the gf knows I'm sober). I get there and am immediately uncomfortable. I ordered a pop, inhaled it, ordered another, then a basket of fries -- I felt completely out of control and while not even drinking.
BUT, and this is where I most need guidance, my train of thought was 'am I truly an alcoholic? Why can't I enjoy a couple beers on my birthday? I was so immature years ago - how do we know it's alcohol?' I feel that a lot of my sobriety has been the direct result of my total fear of being an alcoholic. I'm so scared that people are right and that when I contradict what they say, it's my denial speaking. But what if my real problem is my lack of self-confidence? Do you know what I mean? Even writing these words, I fear the elusive 'denial' is speaking, and I'm aware that it may be. But what if it's really fear? Ugh, I feel like I'm talking in circles, but this is what goes on in my head day-to-day.
I digress... a couple of my colleagues know I don't drink and that I self-identified as an alcoholic. So I'm inhaling my pop and food when a colleague asks if he can buy me a drink. I say no thanks and he says let me know if you change your mind. I wanted a drink so bad, I just wanted to enjoy myself and be normal and celebrate. The waitress came back with a round and the same colleague, seeing me watch her, asked again and I said something like 'No. You know, yes. No, I am going to get a beer.' And that was it. I got a beer. A coworker beside me, one of the ones who knew I didn't drink, smiled, didn't say anything and I immediately thought 'am I crazy?! She doesn't think it's bad!' So I drank my beer and it was delicious. I looked at the time and saw I was to meet my friend in 20m so I texted her, cancelling. She called several times and I ignored her calls and drank 3 more beers in the next 20 minutes or so. I loosened up but tightened up too, thinking of my parents, my mom at home proud of her sober daughter.
The guilt got to me and I called my mother, telling her I had had "a drink".
I drove home, cried, resolved to go back to AA today, but woke up thinking the whole ordeal wasn't that bad at all.
So here I am.
I drank.
Got sober in 2010.
Drank last night, just four beers in half-hour.
Drove home.
Felt guilt,remorse,shame (but was it more because I wasn't pleasing those I love)
Woke up and felt less guilt.
Am now thinking what would be the big deal if I drank four beers once a week, or even month!
I am not writing this way with the hopes that anybody will agree with me. I'm writing this way because something deeper than my physical desire for alcohol brought me here. I want to drink but I want stop if I'm alcoholic but I want to be certain I'm an alcoholic before I stop --- does that ring a bell to you?
I write this way because I have to be completely honest. These are the defenses that always bring me back to drinking and if I don't air them out, I will always have them on the back burner.
Am I an alcoholic? Why don't my workmates think so? And if I am, how can I convince myself I am? If I am, how do I silence the denial?
Thanks in advance. These boards have saved me from myself many times.
The BB is clear on what a real alcoholic is. There is also a questionnaire on AAdotorg that is helpful. No one can make that decision but you.
Clear Eyes Full Heart
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,272
I don't think it's productive to obsess over whether or not to call yourself an alcoholic or spend time deciding if you're truly an alcoholic or not. If problems arise when you drink it's probably a good idea to stop.
4 beers in half an hour is gulping them down, no sipping involved there. Not the way a normal person drinks. That's pretty black and white. Deciding it was okay to drive after that much in such a short time is a problem, that's a decision your addictive voice made I'm guessing.
You're the only one that can decide how you're going to handle your own future. We're here to support you if you feel stopping will be the best plan for you..
4 beers in half an hour is gulping them down, no sipping involved there. Not the way a normal person drinks. That's pretty black and white. Deciding it was okay to drive after that much in such a short time is a problem, that's a decision your addictive voice made I'm guessing.
You're the only one that can decide how you're going to handle your own future. We're here to support you if you feel stopping will be the best plan for you..
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Canada. About as far south as you can get
Posts: 4,768
Originally Posted by Lyricchi
I drove home, cried, resolved to go back to AA today, but woke up thinking the whole ordeal wasn't that bad at all.
I believe you know what you have to do... it's up to you to do it.
All the best.
Bob R
Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Alabama
Posts: 239
I can't add anything that has been posted before me, I agree with most.
I have been sober for long periods as well and convinced myself that I could handle drinking again. It started out slowly then the beast took over and bye bye sobriety.
You can only settle for yourself whether drinking should be a part of your life. After 10 months of numbing (which started out with a few beers on New Year's night 2011), I did not want to stop. I have decided that I can and need to live a sober life.
That was my decision, only you can make it for yourself.
Great thoughts going your way,
Toss
I have been sober for long periods as well and convinced myself that I could handle drinking again. It started out slowly then the beast took over and bye bye sobriety.
You can only settle for yourself whether drinking should be a part of your life. After 10 months of numbing (which started out with a few beers on New Year's night 2011), I did not want to stop. I have decided that I can and need to live a sober life.
That was my decision, only you can make it for yourself.
Great thoughts going your way,
Toss
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: California
Posts: 13,040
Sounds like you were so proud of your sobriety, and had the support of your family. Hold onto that. I know the idea if never drinking again can seem overwhelming, go one day at a time. Stick around SR, lots of great support on this website.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,432
Hi Lyricchi - welcome 
There's some great advice here.
I don't know whether you're an alcoholic or not but honestly? I tend to think someone who thought about this for so long before the event, and then dissected those 4 beers so much after, probably needs to take a step back.
Maybe moving back to your hometown has knocked you off kilter a little?
D
There's some great advice here.
I don't know whether you're an alcoholic or not but honestly? I tend to think someone who thought about this for so long before the event, and then dissected those 4 beers so much after, probably needs to take a step back.
Maybe moving back to your hometown has knocked you off kilter a little?
D
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