Able To Hurt Me One Last Time!
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 122
Able To Hurt Me One Last Time!
My XAGF is in sober living. We had been together as friend or girlfriend for over 8 years.
She finally got sober when I literally carried her into a detox facility.
After the five days she asked me what she should do? I told her that she needed to go to rehab. That in 17 years she had never achieved more then 2 weeks sobriety. And that as every doctor had told her in our three trips to the ER if she did not stop drinking she would die.
She was hesitant, but I said please just make the 30 day commitment and then we can talk about where you want to go from there.
She did and is now going on 70 days sober. For which I am grateful.
I was there for her through all the hardship. both drinking and sober.
I was there for her in rehab. For every family group and visitation day.
She was over at my house two weeks ago, and I knew that there was something wrong. After much prompting on my part she confessed that she had met someone in sober living.
I was incredibly hurt and angry.
I have been dealing with it pretty well. Much to the thanks of Al Anon.
Today a friend calls me and asks "hey what is going on with you two?
I have been pretty quiet about it. "I ask him why he asks?"
He said "because she posted on Facebook today that she is in a new relationship."
Then my phone started ringing. All of our mutual friends asking what is going on.
As if I did not know it before, she once again shows how little she takes my feelings into account.
Not even thinking about the hurt and embarrassment this would cause me by making her new boyfriend public so soon.
Everyone tells me this relationship is headed for disaster. (A new boyfriend 2 weeks out of rehab.)
And then guess where she will turn.
Please God if she ever does try to contact me, give me the strength to not answer that phone.
And maybe by that time I will have found someone that actually cares about me.
No more alcoholics!
She finally got sober when I literally carried her into a detox facility.
After the five days she asked me what she should do? I told her that she needed to go to rehab. That in 17 years she had never achieved more then 2 weeks sobriety. And that as every doctor had told her in our three trips to the ER if she did not stop drinking she would die.
She was hesitant, but I said please just make the 30 day commitment and then we can talk about where you want to go from there.
She did and is now going on 70 days sober. For which I am grateful.
I was there for her through all the hardship. both drinking and sober.
I was there for her in rehab. For every family group and visitation day.
She was over at my house two weeks ago, and I knew that there was something wrong. After much prompting on my part she confessed that she had met someone in sober living.
I was incredibly hurt and angry.
I have been dealing with it pretty well. Much to the thanks of Al Anon.
Today a friend calls me and asks "hey what is going on with you two?
I have been pretty quiet about it. "I ask him why he asks?"
He said "because she posted on Facebook today that she is in a new relationship."
Then my phone started ringing. All of our mutual friends asking what is going on.
As if I did not know it before, she once again shows how little she takes my feelings into account.
Not even thinking about the hurt and embarrassment this would cause me by making her new boyfriend public so soon.
Everyone tells me this relationship is headed for disaster. (A new boyfriend 2 weeks out of rehab.)
And then guess where she will turn.
Please God if she ever does try to contact me, give me the strength to not answer that phone.
And maybe by that time I will have found someone that actually cares about me.
No more alcoholics!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
Soexhausted, I don't think that people will react to her Facebook post in a way that will make you feel hurt and embarrassed. I think they will see this as a reflection of her alcoholism, bad judgment, immaturity, disloyalty, you name it.
This is about HER, not you. Let your friends be friends, ignore those who aren't, and move on as you are into health and happiness. We're all here for and with you.
ShootingStar1
This is about HER, not you. Let your friends be friends, ignore those who aren't, and move on as you are into health and happiness. We're all here for and with you.
ShootingStar1
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Maryland
Posts: 145
Hi soexhausted,
Thank you for sharing. I feel your pain. I remember being on and off with my now XABF 2-3 times and the first time we broke up, the following day he refriended his ex gf on Facebook. I remember being so hurt. I know it's just Facebook, but man, did it hurt. It felt deliberate, hurtful, and just really inconsiderate. Suddenly, I didn't mean anything anymore and he didn't even seem to want to give me a respectable amount of time to grieve.
Shootingstar1 is right though. It really is about them. I went to AA so many times with my XABF. I even talk to his sponsor weekly now despite us not being together anymore. His sponsor tells me that self-centeredness is the root of alcoholism--whatever it takes to feel better and a lot of times, it doesn't mean taking a drink to feel better, but anything.
Please hang in there. Maybe deactivate your fb for awhile? Or block her from your news feed? I know currently after recently ending things with my XABF, I am trying to focus on myself. I know people are slowly finding out that we broke up, but I don't talk about it with people who are just asking to be nosy. My close friends know what's going on, why I left, etc. To everyone else, I'm just keeping it brief. If people don't get the dirt from you that they want to hear, they'll eventually stop asking.
Keep coming back to SR. Thanks for sharing.
Thank you for sharing. I feel your pain. I remember being on and off with my now XABF 2-3 times and the first time we broke up, the following day he refriended his ex gf on Facebook. I remember being so hurt. I know it's just Facebook, but man, did it hurt. It felt deliberate, hurtful, and just really inconsiderate. Suddenly, I didn't mean anything anymore and he didn't even seem to want to give me a respectable amount of time to grieve.
Shootingstar1 is right though. It really is about them. I went to AA so many times with my XABF. I even talk to his sponsor weekly now despite us not being together anymore. His sponsor tells me that self-centeredness is the root of alcoholism--whatever it takes to feel better and a lot of times, it doesn't mean taking a drink to feel better, but anything.
Please hang in there. Maybe deactivate your fb for awhile? Or block her from your news feed? I know currently after recently ending things with my XABF, I am trying to focus on myself. I know people are slowly finding out that we broke up, but I don't talk about it with people who are just asking to be nosy. My close friends know what's going on, why I left, etc. To everyone else, I'm just keeping it brief. If people don't get the dirt from you that they want to hear, they'll eventually stop asking.
Keep coming back to SR. Thanks for sharing.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 122
ShootingStar1
You hit the nail right on the head.
Friends have been calling to let me know how disgusting they think it is for her to be posting about her new relationship on Facebook.
What everyone has said is that even taking me out of the equation many mutual friends had not heard anything from her since entering rehab. Many had even become worried, not knowing where she was and were unable to contact her. Having to contact me to find out that she was alright.
They said she has posted nothing on Facebook since entering rehab nor have they heard from her. So through this whole ordeal the first thing she feels the need to announce to everyone is that she has a new boyfriend.
Every single mutual friend that has called me has had the same thing to say "you are so much better off without her. Could not believe the way you always stood by her.
Good riddance she never deserved you anyway."
So you are right. her post was only a reflection on her. Not on me.
Once a narcissist always a narcissist.
Thanks
You hit the nail right on the head.
Friends have been calling to let me know how disgusting they think it is for her to be posting about her new relationship on Facebook.
What everyone has said is that even taking me out of the equation many mutual friends had not heard anything from her since entering rehab. Many had even become worried, not knowing where she was and were unable to contact her. Having to contact me to find out that she was alright.
They said she has posted nothing on Facebook since entering rehab nor have they heard from her. So through this whole ordeal the first thing she feels the need to announce to everyone is that she has a new boyfriend.
Every single mutual friend that has called me has had the same thing to say "you are so much better off without her. Could not believe the way you always stood by her.
Good riddance she never deserved you anyway."
So you are right. her post was only a reflection on her. Not on me.
Once a narcissist always a narcissist.
Thanks
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Dear soexhausted, I read something that has really stuck with me---the basic belief that carries co-dependents is that if they care enough and love enough---the other person will eventually return the same to them. It can feel as is our whole world is crumbling when we realize that they are not willing or capable of this. Especially, when something important happens or we really need them.
However, often this shattering (and I mean shattering) realization is the catalyst that propels us into our own recovery.
In is in the crisis that, often, the seeds of recovery are planted.
Have faith, my friend. This, too, shall pass.
very sincerely, dandylion
However, often this shattering (and I mean shattering) realization is the catalyst that propels us into our own recovery.
In is in the crisis that, often, the seeds of recovery are planted.
Have faith, my friend. This, too, shall pass.
very sincerely, dandylion
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 122
I am feeling really angry at myself.
I know that the best thing for me to do is just let this go.
Her new life, her new boyfriend, none of this is any longer my concern.
Still I could not resist the temptation to look up her new boyfriend.
He is as I expected also newly recovered, living in a sober house.
On his page she posted "I love you so much." After just two weeks of dating.
Now intellectually I know that this is her disease talking.
But it still hurts.
I am powerless over her disease. But I do have power over mine.
I know that the best thing for me to do is just let this go.
Her new life, her new boyfriend, none of this is any longer my concern.
Still I could not resist the temptation to look up her new boyfriend.
He is as I expected also newly recovered, living in a sober house.
On his page she posted "I love you so much." After just two weeks of dating.
Now intellectually I know that this is her disease talking.
But it still hurts.
I am powerless over her disease. But I do have power over mine.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,423
I'm so sorry for your hurt.
My exabf went off partying with his ex shortly after we split.
I confided in a friend yesterday as to our split & my friend said he treated me like dirt & I deserve better.
It's so frustrating I know when you try so hard to get them towards sobriety only to lose them & hear they're with someone else, sober or not.
I don't think this is a real relationship she has anyway, I think it's a distraction & a fantasy.
When I went through drug rehab 6 years ago the counsellor told me that it is common to either replace a drug with another or to jump into another relationship which is what my husband did.
Big hugs to you.
We are here for you.
My exabf went off partying with his ex shortly after we split.
I confided in a friend yesterday as to our split & my friend said he treated me like dirt & I deserve better.
It's so frustrating I know when you try so hard to get them towards sobriety only to lose them & hear they're with someone else, sober or not.
I don't think this is a real relationship she has anyway, I think it's a distraction & a fantasy.
When I went through drug rehab 6 years ago the counsellor told me that it is common to either replace a drug with another or to jump into another relationship which is what my husband did.
Big hugs to you.
We are here for you.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 122
Thanks Rosiepetal,
You are right this is a distraction and a fantasy.
A counselor told me that this is very common for people new to recovery to try and fill the void of their addiction with another. In this case romance.
It also means that she is not working her program.
Probably either lying to or disregarding the advice of her sponsor.
Not wanting to work on herself.
And has not truly committed herself to sobriety.
He also said that unfortunately her behavior has a very rate of ending in relapse.
But this can now be none of my concern. I must move on.
I think that the worst part of all this is that I always thought that her sobriety would offer us a new beginning.
Not an ending.
You are right this is a distraction and a fantasy.
A counselor told me that this is very common for people new to recovery to try and fill the void of their addiction with another. In this case romance.
It also means that she is not working her program.
Probably either lying to or disregarding the advice of her sponsor.
Not wanting to work on herself.
And has not truly committed herself to sobriety.
He also said that unfortunately her behavior has a very rate of ending in relapse.
But this can now be none of my concern. I must move on.
I think that the worst part of all this is that I always thought that her sobriety would offer us a new beginning.
Not an ending.
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Oregon
Posts: 138
Soexhausted,
I feel for you on your ex. My ex-a fiancé walked away from me and that day took back and moved in with his ex-girlfriend that he has a daughter with. For over a year in a half all I ever heard was how awful she is and she ruined his life etc. Just saying nasty things, well now he is back with her and I’m the awful xyz person. It’s all in whom will help them since they are alcoholics but it hurt, and it hurts real badly. I’m just starting this weekend to understand it’s not me. It’s him, I did everything I could to help but really all I did was enable and once I stopped he was gone, and he left on foot with two bags in his hand not caring I just ended up homeless for two months. I’m just now getting back into a home and still looking for work. I can honestly say these have been the three darkest months of my life but I’m starting to turn the corner and she can have him. They are both alcoholics but she is also an addict of some pills from what was reported. So I feel for you and just know if it didn’t happen now with her leaving for someone else then you would be the person to always and forever pick up her pieces when she falls. It’s just a matter of time and I’m sorry to say it like that but I feel my ex-a will call me in a few months when he is sick again of his ex-girlfriend. So sad but by then I’ll be strong enough to say good luck and good bye for good. The book codependent no more by melody beattie is amazing, just started reading it this week and almost done. Wow explains a lot where I went wrong in this relationship on my end. Take care.
I feel for you on your ex. My ex-a fiancé walked away from me and that day took back and moved in with his ex-girlfriend that he has a daughter with. For over a year in a half all I ever heard was how awful she is and she ruined his life etc. Just saying nasty things, well now he is back with her and I’m the awful xyz person. It’s all in whom will help them since they are alcoholics but it hurt, and it hurts real badly. I’m just starting this weekend to understand it’s not me. It’s him, I did everything I could to help but really all I did was enable and once I stopped he was gone, and he left on foot with two bags in his hand not caring I just ended up homeless for two months. I’m just now getting back into a home and still looking for work. I can honestly say these have been the three darkest months of my life but I’m starting to turn the corner and she can have him. They are both alcoholics but she is also an addict of some pills from what was reported. So I feel for you and just know if it didn’t happen now with her leaving for someone else then you would be the person to always and forever pick up her pieces when she falls. It’s just a matter of time and I’m sorry to say it like that but I feel my ex-a will call me in a few months when he is sick again of his ex-girlfriend. So sad but by then I’ll be strong enough to say good luck and good bye for good. The book codependent no more by melody beattie is amazing, just started reading it this week and almost done. Wow explains a lot where I went wrong in this relationship on my end. Take care.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 122
Lovesuandsnow thanks for your comment.
We are far better off without them in our life.
An AA friend told me that they have a saying in AA.
"two sickies does not equal a wellie." (I hope I got that right.)
So in both of our situations good luck to them all.
We are far better off without them in our life.
An AA friend told me that they have a saying in AA.
"two sickies does not equal a wellie." (I hope I got that right.)
So in both of our situations good luck to them all.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,423
Soexhausted,
I also thought that when I got my ABF to go into detox it could be the start & a new beginning.
It sux when you realise that was never going to happen.
I kinda think now that whoever they end up will not have a healthy relationship anyway & perhaps our As will never have a normal loving relationship. That is sad because we do care.
However, we can go on to perhaps one day receive the love & have a happy healthy relationship & if not we can eventually be comfortable with ourselves.
Keep posting.
I also thought that when I got my ABF to go into detox it could be the start & a new beginning.
It sux when you realise that was never going to happen.
I kinda think now that whoever they end up will not have a healthy relationship anyway & perhaps our As will never have a normal loving relationship. That is sad because we do care.
However, we can go on to perhaps one day receive the love & have a happy healthy relationship & if not we can eventually be comfortable with ourselves.
Keep posting.
Iceberg Ahead!
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Out at Sea
Posts: 1,177
Originally Posted by dandylion 
Dear soexhausted, I read something that has really stuck with me---the basic belief that carries co-dependents is that if they care enough and love enough---the other person will eventually return the same to them. It can feel as is our whole world is crumbling when we realize that they are not willing or capable of this. . . .
However, often this shattering (and I mean shattering) realization is the catalyst that propels us into our own recovery.
However, often this shattering (and I mean shattering) realization is the catalyst that propels us into our own recovery.
Thanks dandylion
though I don't
want to
admit
it.
Iceberg Ahead!
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Out at Sea
Posts: 1,177
soexhausted, yeah,
we were second to the bottle and much more while we desperately sought change
we were second to their needs while they got detoxed in rehab
we were second to their self-pleasures on their way out
we were second even when they worked at recovery
we will keep being second until we focus just on us
take all we can for our family and ourselves and
let them bear all the consequences
that are coming to them
no matter
what,
no?
we were second to the bottle and much more while we desperately sought change
we were second to their needs while they got detoxed in rehab
we were second to their self-pleasures on their way out
we were second even when they worked at recovery
we will keep being second until we focus just on us
take all we can for our family and ourselves and
let them bear all the consequences
that are coming to them
no matter
what,
no?
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