Tired of waking up sad
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Oregon
Posts: 138
Tired of waking up sad
It has been almost three months since I’ve last seen my ex-alcoholic fiancé in person. Two months since we have talked, but really it’s been a year since we talked. I wake up daily so sad, at 3am ever morning I wake up thinking about him, about what I thought we had. It’s so heartbreaking it takes me hours to get moving in the morning from all the guilt and sadness I feel over the ending of our relationship. Now he is the alcoholic but being that I loved him so much I just wanted him to change, me the co-dependent. It went in one ear and out the other talking about treatment for him or couples therapy for both of us to stop the fighting. For months I would beg please can we do couples counseling and for months I got an excuse why not even though he had insurance. His life is all about excuses, down to working. I paid for everything for a year in a half and now I’m broke, not surprised I guess. His manipulation was of a pro, I need a little road cash hunny, I don’t get paid for a week I’ll pay you back (famous last words) when you pick me up I need a road soda, I won’t be able to work if my phone is shut off, how can I drive if I have not insurance all things like that daily and well I paid for it all, it’s not about the money but yet it is about the money, it’s about the way he got me to always pay for everything he wanted and never mind what I needed, but that is my fault of my needs I didn’t meet. I hated those times because if I didn’t help him I never heard the end of it. I didn’t work for 7 month due to my Mom was in ICU fighting for her life and I was at home fighting with him for my life to be normal. Only one time did he go to the hospital and that is when my Mom was first in a coma, he stood there with the dr and said she’ll be fine I have to get back to work. It was like a shot in my heart, my Mom is not awake and I have no friends or family there due to I just moved to Seattle. No surprise I ended up leaving Seattle and moving home to a house I own (the only thing I have left, everything else was pawned) when my renters moved out. I still have no job but I’m working hard at getting anything. I know deep down I should be grateful to have the chaos out of my life, no kids with him thank god but there is this emptiness inside of me. All I want to do is talk to him? Really I know it’s sick, he was abusive, angry and most of all never there for me. I’m going to Seattle this weekend, I need to help my Mom who is in care factuality and I’m scared I’m going to call him or worse stop by his work. Although he has blocked my number saying I’m a cancer in his life. I’m not sure still why I care, why I love him so much, he did nothing to show me love in return. I’m going to counseling and it has opened my eyes to what I was dealing with but there are days it’s hard to get out of bed and be happy. I don’t feel normal anymore after what I have seen and witnessed this last year. The rollercoaster should have ended now that we are not together but my head replays everything nightly of all that he did and my reaction to packing his clothes asking him to leave telling him I cannot do this anymore, he would leave but had nowhere to go so he would be back telling me what a wonderful woman I am, how much he loves me and that we’ll work through all of this, never action only words. I think I’m just mad at myself for not being strong enough to end the relationship a year ago when I started to see the signs. I had money then and could have changed my path right then and there but I decided (worse decision of my life) to move to Seattle to start over with him since his excuse that I bought was he is only drinking now because he was unemployed and that will all change in Seattle. Well it changed alright it became the drinkers dream to run out and find a bar that I wouldn’t know about and drink until 4am, come home and tell me it’s my fault he left. How do I get past these feelings of anger? How? I know he is not losing any sleep over me since in his mind this is all my fault. Where I have moved to there’s is no al-non meetings I can attend without driving an hour each way so being on this site has helped me to see I’m not alone. 
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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Wow, Lovesunandsnow, you have had a lot on your shoulders. My 92yr old m other needs extra care, now, so I understand how hard that is--to miss your mother--on top of everything else. Sometimes, it just seems too much to bear.
I think counseling is a wise move; coming here to share is a wise move. You were very strong to end it and keep the no contact going this long. You, are, undoubtedly, a strong person.
Ending a relationship is always painful--if you invested a lot of yourself. Even if it was a very unhealthy, bad relationship!! I have heard that some counselors even advise a period of grief counseling---because, you are going through the various stages of grief.
Please don't be angry at yourself. You need nurturing. Anger at yourself is just misdirected energy. Direct that energy somewhere else where it will do some good....LOL.
Have you considered alanon? Maybe discuss this with your counselor.
It won't stay like this forever. Trust me--when you get started on your recovery, your life will change.
Keep coming back here to post as often as you want to.
Sincerely, dandylion
I think counseling is a wise move; coming here to share is a wise move. You were very strong to end it and keep the no contact going this long. You, are, undoubtedly, a strong person.
Ending a relationship is always painful--if you invested a lot of yourself. Even if it was a very unhealthy, bad relationship!! I have heard that some counselors even advise a period of grief counseling---because, you are going through the various stages of grief.
Please don't be angry at yourself. You need nurturing. Anger at yourself is just misdirected energy. Direct that energy somewhere else where it will do some good....LOL.
Have you considered alanon? Maybe discuss this with your counselor.
It won't stay like this forever. Trust me--when you get started on your recovery, your life will change.
Keep coming back here to post as often as you want to.
Sincerely, dandylion
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,295
Oh dear. I understand. I have been in that place where we think that if we simply try again, that they will stop breaking our hearts.
You are setting yourself up for a huge disappointment. Please take this gently, but do realize the harm you are about to do to yourself if you go see him.
I am so sorry that this relationship didn't work out for you. He used you, and you are traumatized by that fact and that he didn't love you the way you need to be loved.
But sweetie--trying again by contacting him is only going to do yourself grave damage to your heart. Please don't do that to yourself. You need to learn to start taking care of yourself.
I don't know how to get through to you...because I was at that same place some years ago, but you can destroy yourself when you continue to keep trying to fix that severe disappointment in somebody else when they have no desire to change.
I do know this--you can really do yourself serious emotional harm if you don't let go and accept that that relationship failed.
You have your house in that other state. You do need a job, I am sorry you haven't found one yet, but all those idle hours without other things to think about are letting you obsess about him.
Let me put it this way. Do you know that you are the caretaker of your own heart? Do you realize that you, more than anybody else in life, is the person that has to look out for yourself and protect yourself?
Pretend you are a newborn baby, just to understand this idea I am going to present to yourself, not to be insulting to you in anyway. Just imagine that you are the caretaker of a newborn, and that newborn is your heart. See how helpless that newborn is? How much that newborn needs you to protect it from harm? That's how your heart is sweetie...please look out for it, he isn't going to do that for you.
This may help--When you begin to look for yourself, you suddenly realize that you alone have that power to protect your heart from damage. You also, alone, are the only person that has the power to lift your heart up, by protecting it. You can gain a sense of power by saying wow--I am the caretaker of this heart, this newborn, ME.
When I was deep in wanting him to change, and he had zero desire to do so, I nearly crushed myself, nearly destroyed myself. Don't do that to yourself. You are that newborn--protect it. You alone have that power.
You are setting yourself up for a huge disappointment. Please take this gently, but do realize the harm you are about to do to yourself if you go see him.
I am so sorry that this relationship didn't work out for you. He used you, and you are traumatized by that fact and that he didn't love you the way you need to be loved.
But sweetie--trying again by contacting him is only going to do yourself grave damage to your heart. Please don't do that to yourself. You need to learn to start taking care of yourself.
I don't know how to get through to you...because I was at that same place some years ago, but you can destroy yourself when you continue to keep trying to fix that severe disappointment in somebody else when they have no desire to change.
I do know this--you can really do yourself serious emotional harm if you don't let go and accept that that relationship failed.
You have your house in that other state. You do need a job, I am sorry you haven't found one yet, but all those idle hours without other things to think about are letting you obsess about him.
Let me put it this way. Do you know that you are the caretaker of your own heart? Do you realize that you, more than anybody else in life, is the person that has to look out for yourself and protect yourself?
Pretend you are a newborn baby, just to understand this idea I am going to present to yourself, not to be insulting to you in anyway. Just imagine that you are the caretaker of a newborn, and that newborn is your heart. See how helpless that newborn is? How much that newborn needs you to protect it from harm? That's how your heart is sweetie...please look out for it, he isn't going to do that for you.
This may help--When you begin to look for yourself, you suddenly realize that you alone have that power to protect your heart from damage. You also, alone, are the only person that has the power to lift your heart up, by protecting it. You can gain a sense of power by saying wow--I am the caretaker of this heart, this newborn, ME.
When I was deep in wanting him to change, and he had zero desire to do so, I nearly crushed myself, nearly destroyed myself. Don't do that to yourself. You are that newborn--protect it. You alone have that power.
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Oregon
Posts: 138
Dandylion, This is very helpful. I was too invested in him to the point he was no longer invested in himself. He didn’t have to I did everything, shopping, laundry, driving and anything else a person with responsibilities would do to keep a house going and try to not go insane during the process of him and I fighting and my Mom having to be moved from Phoenix where she was a snowbird to Seattle to sit in an ICU bed. So my counselor is for grief, addiction and abuse. She is the trip threat that is helping me out see I’m not crazy I was living in a crazy time, kind of like the book crazy time. The no contact is good I guess I see where it needs to be in place so I can move on but there are days I want to call who I thought was my best friend but I know it was never that way I am in a dream thinking it ever was. I’m blessed beyond to still have my home, I sold my investment property last year to keep us going, my 30 foot trailer and my one SUV. I guess I would have spent that money and had to have sold it anyway it just sucks he was the recipient of so much of it to. So yes I’m in a lot of grief there are days I cry all day then go do what has to get done in order to get a job. So thank you for your response and I am looking for alanon but I live 1 hour to the closest city and right now with no money or job I’ve had to do the online support and this is a wonderful place to get it.. Thank you..
Madeofglass,
Thank you for the analogy of a newborn and my heart. You are right I never thought of it that way but that is why I’m reaching out. I need a new perspective to get my head and heart to match up protect myself and move on to be the healthy person I was prior to my EX-A. Well I might actually end up being healthier once I get through all these stages of grief, and anger. I didn’t understand I have always been the caretaker/co-dependent in life for everyone but me. This all started after my divorce in 2003 where he was normal, no addiction problems, CEO of a hugh company and had a wonderful life but I remember him telling me I cannot be your everything, plus we had an 18 year age difference which I’m sure said a lot about me in my 20’s why I was with him, had my own issues with being abandon by my father as a teen ager. So in many ways going back to protecting me and understand that if I do contact him this weekend I will only hurt myself more. I see that and I’m going to hold myself accountable to not falling victim to myself and being weak. I will post after my return to say if I stayed strong or not. My power will ultimately continue to grow if I don’t run backwards. So I will take your advice and protect me while I’m in Seattle. Yes the idle hours of no work is letting me obsess over this relationship, I think about every detail until I’m sick and want to puke! Starting today I have put together a list of things I have to get done daily before I can think about the past in any sort of way. Reading and posting on here is a great help, Thank you for your comments and support.
Madeofglass,
Thank you for the analogy of a newborn and my heart. You are right I never thought of it that way but that is why I’m reaching out. I need a new perspective to get my head and heart to match up protect myself and move on to be the healthy person I was prior to my EX-A. Well I might actually end up being healthier once I get through all these stages of grief, and anger. I didn’t understand I have always been the caretaker/co-dependent in life for everyone but me. This all started after my divorce in 2003 where he was normal, no addiction problems, CEO of a hugh company and had a wonderful life but I remember him telling me I cannot be your everything, plus we had an 18 year age difference which I’m sure said a lot about me in my 20’s why I was with him, had my own issues with being abandon by my father as a teen ager. So in many ways going back to protecting me and understand that if I do contact him this weekend I will only hurt myself more. I see that and I’m going to hold myself accountable to not falling victim to myself and being weak. I will post after my return to say if I stayed strong or not. My power will ultimately continue to grow if I don’t run backwards. So I will take your advice and protect me while I’m in Seattle. Yes the idle hours of no work is letting me obsess over this relationship, I think about every detail until I’m sick and want to puke! Starting today I have put together a list of things I have to get done daily before I can think about the past in any sort of way. Reading and posting on here is a great help, Thank you for your comments and support.
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,295
Oh good. I'm so glad you came back and read, your post reminded me so much of how I didn't take care of my own heart, and for a few years, that had a devastating affect on me.
If you begin to look out for yourself and protect your own heart, you will indeed get through the stages of anger and grief instead of circling back around over and over again. The madness and obsessing will end! I speak from experience, I was severely depressed, and I have overcome that by realizing that I am fragile, that my heart is fragile, that I am the protector of my own heart the same as a guard protects a castle. If I don't protect my own heart, then I might as well dry up the moat, invite the alligators in, and watch myself be eaten alive. Gruesome there, but it applies.
There is a difference between putting up castle walls, and creating a moat, and not letting others in. The difference is that you look out for yourself and realize when to let others in and when not to. If love hurts, then we have to realize that we have to look out for our heart when it comes to loving that person. Love doesn't hurt, and if it hurts, it's not love we are receiving, or not the only thing we are receiving, and there is something poisonous in that mix too.
If you begin to look out for yourself and protect your own heart, you will indeed get through the stages of anger and grief instead of circling back around over and over again. The madness and obsessing will end! I speak from experience, I was severely depressed, and I have overcome that by realizing that I am fragile, that my heart is fragile, that I am the protector of my own heart the same as a guard protects a castle. If I don't protect my own heart, then I might as well dry up the moat, invite the alligators in, and watch myself be eaten alive. Gruesome there, but it applies.
There is a difference between putting up castle walls, and creating a moat, and not letting others in. The difference is that you look out for yourself and realize when to let others in and when not to. If love hurts, then we have to realize that we have to look out for our heart when it comes to loving that person. Love doesn't hurt, and if it hurts, it's not love we are receiving, or not the only thing we are receiving, and there is something poisonous in that mix too.
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Maryland
Posts: 145
Good afternoon lovesunandsnow,
Thanks for sharing. Two days ago, I told my EXABF to move out. I have not seen him since. This is the third time we have broken up in three years and I told myself that it MUST be the last. I, too, got to a point where I did everything. When it started out, he paid for everything and had a job. But as time went on, he lied and lied, and till this day, I don't know where all the money went. Eventually, he moved in with me. He did help around the house--wash dishes, do laundry, and such, but it was a pain to ask him because he whined about it a lot. There were times where he did it without me having to ask, but those times were rare.
He didn't have a car and being that his college was further away then mine, I let him drive my car while I rode the bus. Crazy right? I didn't make him pump gas as he didn't have money. I tried to have boundaries, ok you can only borrow the car 3 days a week so I get 4, but somewhere down the line, he got is 7 days a week. When he finally got a car of his own, I was still paying his gas because he didn't have enough money to pay rent and all his other bills. It was completely insane how much I spent on him and for him. I don't know what it is...but hearing your experiences makes me wonder how much money I would have right now had I not given it all away? What could I have bought for myself had I not done that? A house maybe? A new car? He got a brand new 2012 car while I was still driving a beat down car. It was insane...
The things we do...Currently, I'm in the early grieving stages. I haven't had a big cry yet, but every once and awhile I feel a void as well. I start to think, gosh I wish he would hug me right now and tell me he loves me. Then I remember, that his words while sweet and charming, never translated into thoughtful actions.
My friend, more like a big brother, told me I have a tendency to think a lot about what I want to do, but I don't put the actions in place to do so. I want to settle down, start a family, but somehow I am with someone who can't even pay for his own gas! How is that helping me reach my goals? In fact, it is steering me further and further away from my goals.
Each time I feel down, each time I start to miss him, I come here to SR and read everyone's stories and share my own. It reminds me what I will not miss, it reminds me to stay strong, and that someday, long into the future, I will be a stronger, happier person. Keep coming back lovesunandsnow.
Thanks for sharing. Two days ago, I told my EXABF to move out. I have not seen him since. This is the third time we have broken up in three years and I told myself that it MUST be the last. I, too, got to a point where I did everything. When it started out, he paid for everything and had a job. But as time went on, he lied and lied, and till this day, I don't know where all the money went. Eventually, he moved in with me. He did help around the house--wash dishes, do laundry, and such, but it was a pain to ask him because he whined about it a lot. There were times where he did it without me having to ask, but those times were rare.
He didn't have a car and being that his college was further away then mine, I let him drive my car while I rode the bus. Crazy right? I didn't make him pump gas as he didn't have money. I tried to have boundaries, ok you can only borrow the car 3 days a week so I get 4, but somewhere down the line, he got is 7 days a week. When he finally got a car of his own, I was still paying his gas because he didn't have enough money to pay rent and all his other bills. It was completely insane how much I spent on him and for him. I don't know what it is...but hearing your experiences makes me wonder how much money I would have right now had I not given it all away? What could I have bought for myself had I not done that? A house maybe? A new car? He got a brand new 2012 car while I was still driving a beat down car. It was insane...
The things we do...Currently, I'm in the early grieving stages. I haven't had a big cry yet, but every once and awhile I feel a void as well. I start to think, gosh I wish he would hug me right now and tell me he loves me. Then I remember, that his words while sweet and charming, never translated into thoughtful actions.
My friend, more like a big brother, told me I have a tendency to think a lot about what I want to do, but I don't put the actions in place to do so. I want to settle down, start a family, but somehow I am with someone who can't even pay for his own gas! How is that helping me reach my goals? In fact, it is steering me further and further away from my goals.
Each time I feel down, each time I start to miss him, I come here to SR and read everyone's stories and share my own. It reminds me what I will not miss, it reminds me to stay strong, and that someday, long into the future, I will be a stronger, happier person. Keep coming back lovesunandsnow.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Oregon
Posts: 138
Mdkathy62,
Well I feel for you. I asked my ex-a to leave many times and many times he left but came back. In Seattle unless I put a domestic violence order on him he could come and go as he pleased since he was on the lease. The last straw was his daughter (who is not at fault at all she is 10) came to visit him after his ex-girlfriend took her away from him over a year ago, so it’d been over a year since they’d seen one another. He stopped working, I was at the hospital every day for my sick mom and he decided to stop working, I should clarify he was working but he still never paid rent, I kept hoping that with my Mom sick and me losing my job since I was at the hospital all the time he would step it up, NO he got a check and they went to dinner, movies, cloth shopping, and well of course he would drink the entire time so his daughter would have a nervous breakdown begging him like I use to for him to stop drinking. It was soooo sad especially for her. So the last two months there was no rent paid, bills but yet he had money or talked me into getting money for him for his drinking. Yes I take responsibility for giving him the money but at the time it was always I’m have so much anxiety, just help me please, my daughters here and I don’t want to get sick in front of her. So I hear you I could have gone on a real vacation this last year with my 10 friends and paid for all of them with the money I have shelled out for all the bills and his drinking.
I didn’t cry at first either, but when it hit me I cried for three days straight, I thought I needed to check myself in somewhere for it, but now I know that is what I needed to start the process. Now I’m kind of numb but working hard on me for the first time and it has to get better. Believe for yourself it will and all the experiences we have now – that just shows us and will concretely tell us we WILL NEVER DO anything like this again. Stay strong and write me anytime if you want to talk. Being able to talk with other like you is my saving grace right now. Have a good night.
Well I feel for you. I asked my ex-a to leave many times and many times he left but came back. In Seattle unless I put a domestic violence order on him he could come and go as he pleased since he was on the lease. The last straw was his daughter (who is not at fault at all she is 10) came to visit him after his ex-girlfriend took her away from him over a year ago, so it’d been over a year since they’d seen one another. He stopped working, I was at the hospital every day for my sick mom and he decided to stop working, I should clarify he was working but he still never paid rent, I kept hoping that with my Mom sick and me losing my job since I was at the hospital all the time he would step it up, NO he got a check and they went to dinner, movies, cloth shopping, and well of course he would drink the entire time so his daughter would have a nervous breakdown begging him like I use to for him to stop drinking. It was soooo sad especially for her. So the last two months there was no rent paid, bills but yet he had money or talked me into getting money for him for his drinking. Yes I take responsibility for giving him the money but at the time it was always I’m have so much anxiety, just help me please, my daughters here and I don’t want to get sick in front of her. So I hear you I could have gone on a real vacation this last year with my 10 friends and paid for all of them with the money I have shelled out for all the bills and his drinking.
I didn’t cry at first either, but when it hit me I cried for three days straight, I thought I needed to check myself in somewhere for it, but now I know that is what I needed to start the process. Now I’m kind of numb but working hard on me for the first time and it has to get better. Believe for yourself it will and all the experiences we have now – that just shows us and will concretely tell us we WILL NEVER DO anything like this again. Stay strong and write me anytime if you want to talk. Being able to talk with other like you is my saving grace right now. Have a good night.
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Arlington, Virginia
Posts: 12
Hi lovesunandsnow,
When I read your post it sounded so similar to my situation. Almost a year ago I broke up with my AXBF. We dated for four years and during that time I did everything for him. When we met he had a job and was so much fun to be with. The first month with him was truly the best month of my life.
He lived almost three hours from me and I would drive to see him two or three times a week. Things were great for about two months. He got a DUI (not his fault, of course) and lost his job because he was drinking in the parking lot before work (also not his fault according to him). Things started to go downhill from there. I wanted to be supportive so I lent him money and bought stuff for him. I also did his laundry and paid for all our meals and entertainment.
During that time my mother was very sick and I was flying back and forth between the west coast to be with her. He resented me going on these "trips" and not taking him. He acted like I was on a vacation instead of being with a dying parent.
During this time I bought some property in Pennsylvania, which I planned to use for my retirement home. I eventually built a house there and let him move into it because he thought he could make a new start there. He was still drinking all day, every day and told me he would cut way down if he just had a different environment. I commuted two hours each way to see him and spent four days a week there. He was by himself three days a week with food, cable and money.
Things were okay for a few months. He kept the house clean and took care of the dogs. His drinking never slowed down. After several months of me paying for everything, I found him a job. After he got the job he had a "special friend" there who I knew nothing about. I had the feeling something was going on but he would lie constantly and he was a really good liar. He called me several times a day and I began to realize that he just wanted to make sure I wasn't on the way to see him. One day we were getting ready to go out and he got a text from this woman. He didn't know how to text so I read the message. At first he lied about her and I finally just got angry and told him to leave. He ended up moving in with her and I
assume they are still together.
The first few months were just unbearable. It was during the holidays and I was consumed with anger and being lonely. This forum was the one place that kept me going. I printed out some of the stickies and read them several times a day. After about six weeks I knew I had to go NC to keep from going crazy. The first three months were the worst. I couldn't even be in my new house because everything reminded me of him.
Finally, I started seeing the reality of what went on during our relationship. He drank from sunup to sundown. Everything was my fault, according to him. I spent so much money on him it was ridiculous. The reason I wanted to share this with you is to let you know that after a few months I started to feel better. I used the time to work on me and figure out what made me so codependent with him. I also took an honest look at the relationship with him and realized it was lonely and one sided.
I'm so much better now. I still think about him, but I don't miss him or want him back. I know I will never be in a relationship with an active alcoholic again. This has been a year of learning painful lessons I should have learned years ago. My money is spent on me and not given away to someone who had no respect for me.
Recently I met a nice, charming, great looking guy and went out with him few times. I noticed he drank each time we were together and realized he drank every day. Even though I liked him, it was so easy to walk away and not look back. It took me almost a year to get to this point but I'm so glad to have made it. Hang in there and keep reading the comments on the forum. There is so much wisdom and compassion and kindness here. I hope it gets easier for you.
When I read your post it sounded so similar to my situation. Almost a year ago I broke up with my AXBF. We dated for four years and during that time I did everything for him. When we met he had a job and was so much fun to be with. The first month with him was truly the best month of my life.
He lived almost three hours from me and I would drive to see him two or three times a week. Things were great for about two months. He got a DUI (not his fault, of course) and lost his job because he was drinking in the parking lot before work (also not his fault according to him). Things started to go downhill from there. I wanted to be supportive so I lent him money and bought stuff for him. I also did his laundry and paid for all our meals and entertainment.
During that time my mother was very sick and I was flying back and forth between the west coast to be with her. He resented me going on these "trips" and not taking him. He acted like I was on a vacation instead of being with a dying parent.
During this time I bought some property in Pennsylvania, which I planned to use for my retirement home. I eventually built a house there and let him move into it because he thought he could make a new start there. He was still drinking all day, every day and told me he would cut way down if he just had a different environment. I commuted two hours each way to see him and spent four days a week there. He was by himself three days a week with food, cable and money.
Things were okay for a few months. He kept the house clean and took care of the dogs. His drinking never slowed down. After several months of me paying for everything, I found him a job. After he got the job he had a "special friend" there who I knew nothing about. I had the feeling something was going on but he would lie constantly and he was a really good liar. He called me several times a day and I began to realize that he just wanted to make sure I wasn't on the way to see him. One day we were getting ready to go out and he got a text from this woman. He didn't know how to text so I read the message. At first he lied about her and I finally just got angry and told him to leave. He ended up moving in with her and I
assume they are still together.
The first few months were just unbearable. It was during the holidays and I was consumed with anger and being lonely. This forum was the one place that kept me going. I printed out some of the stickies and read them several times a day. After about six weeks I knew I had to go NC to keep from going crazy. The first three months were the worst. I couldn't even be in my new house because everything reminded me of him.
Finally, I started seeing the reality of what went on during our relationship. He drank from sunup to sundown. Everything was my fault, according to him. I spent so much money on him it was ridiculous. The reason I wanted to share this with you is to let you know that after a few months I started to feel better. I used the time to work on me and figure out what made me so codependent with him. I also took an honest look at the relationship with him and realized it was lonely and one sided.
I'm so much better now. I still think about him, but I don't miss him or want him back. I know I will never be in a relationship with an active alcoholic again. This has been a year of learning painful lessons I should have learned years ago. My money is spent on me and not given away to someone who had no respect for me.
Recently I met a nice, charming, great looking guy and went out with him few times. I noticed he drank each time we were together and realized he drank every day. Even though I liked him, it was so easy to walk away and not look back. It took me almost a year to get to this point but I'm so glad to have made it. Hang in there and keep reading the comments on the forum. There is so much wisdom and compassion and kindness here. I hope it gets easier for you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Oregon
Posts: 138
Originally Posted by citygirl2 
Hi lovesunandsnow,
When I read your post it sounded so similar to my situation. Almost a year ago I broke up with my AXBF. We dated for four years and during that time I did everything for him. When we met he had a job and was so much fun to be with. The first month with him was truly the best month of my life.
He lived almost three hours from me and I would drive to see him two or three times a week. Things were great for about two months. He got a DUI (not his fault, of course) and lost his job because he was drinking in the parking lot before work (also not his fault according to him). Things started to go downhill from there. I wanted to be supportive so I lent him money and bought stuff for him. I also did his laundry and paid for all our meals and entertainment.
During that time my mother was very sick and I was flying back and forth between the west coast to be with her. He resented me going on these "trips" and not taking him. He acted like I was on a vacation instead of being with a dying parent.
During this time I bought some property in Pennsylvania, which I planned to use for my retirement home. I eventually built a house there and let him move into it because he thought he could make a new start there. He was still drinking all day, every day and told me he would cut way down if he just had a different environment. I commuted two hours each way to see him and spent four days a week there. He was by himself three days a week with food, cable and money.
Things were okay for a few months. He kept the house clean and took care of the dogs. His drinking never slowed down. After several months of me paying for everything, I found him a job. After he got the job he had a "special friend" there who I knew nothing about. I had the feeling something was going on but he would lie constantly and he was a really good liar. He called me several times a day and I began to realize that he just wanted to make sure I wasn't on the way to see him. One day we were getting ready to go out and he got a text from this woman. He didn't know how to text so I read the message. At first he lied about her and I finally just got angry and told him to leave. He ended up moving in with her and I
assume they are still together.
The first few months were just unbearable. It was during the holidays and I was consumed with anger and being lonely. This forum was the one place that kept me going. I printed out some of the stickies and read them several times a day. After about six weeks I knew I had to go NC to keep from going crazy. The first three months were the worst. I couldn't even be in my new house because everything reminded me of him.
Finally, I started seeing the reality of what went on during our relationship. He drank from sunup to sundown. Everything was my fault, according to him. I spent so much money on him it was ridiculous. The reason I wanted to share this with you is to let you know that after a few months I started to feel better. I used the time to work on me and figure out what made me so codependent with him. I also took an honest look at the relationship with him and realized it was lonely and one sided.
I'm so much better now. I still think about him, but I don't miss him or want him back. I know I will never be in a relationship with an active alcoholic again. This has been a year of learning painful lessons I should have learned years ago. My money is spent on me and not given away to someone who had no respect for me.
Recently I met a nice, charming, great looking guy and went out with him few times. I noticed he drank each time we were together and realized he drank every day. Even though I liked him, it was so easy to walk away and not look back. It took me almost a year to get to this point but I'm so glad to have made it. Hang in there and keep reading the comments on the forum. There is so much wisdom and compassion and kindness here. I hope it gets easier for you.
When I read your post it sounded so similar to my situation. Almost a year ago I broke up with my AXBF. We dated for four years and during that time I did everything for him. When we met he had a job and was so much fun to be with. The first month with him was truly the best month of my life.
He lived almost three hours from me and I would drive to see him two or three times a week. Things were great for about two months. He got a DUI (not his fault, of course) and lost his job because he was drinking in the parking lot before work (also not his fault according to him). Things started to go downhill from there. I wanted to be supportive so I lent him money and bought stuff for him. I also did his laundry and paid for all our meals and entertainment.
During that time my mother was very sick and I was flying back and forth between the west coast to be with her. He resented me going on these "trips" and not taking him. He acted like I was on a vacation instead of being with a dying parent.
During this time I bought some property in Pennsylvania, which I planned to use for my retirement home. I eventually built a house there and let him move into it because he thought he could make a new start there. He was still drinking all day, every day and told me he would cut way down if he just had a different environment. I commuted two hours each way to see him and spent four days a week there. He was by himself three days a week with food, cable and money.
Things were okay for a few months. He kept the house clean and took care of the dogs. His drinking never slowed down. After several months of me paying for everything, I found him a job. After he got the job he had a "special friend" there who I knew nothing about. I had the feeling something was going on but he would lie constantly and he was a really good liar. He called me several times a day and I began to realize that he just wanted to make sure I wasn't on the way to see him. One day we were getting ready to go out and he got a text from this woman. He didn't know how to text so I read the message. At first he lied about her and I finally just got angry and told him to leave. He ended up moving in with her and I
assume they are still together.
The first few months were just unbearable. It was during the holidays and I was consumed with anger and being lonely. This forum was the one place that kept me going. I printed out some of the stickies and read them several times a day. After about six weeks I knew I had to go NC to keep from going crazy. The first three months were the worst. I couldn't even be in my new house because everything reminded me of him.
Finally, I started seeing the reality of what went on during our relationship. He drank from sunup to sundown. Everything was my fault, according to him. I spent so much money on him it was ridiculous. The reason I wanted to share this with you is to let you know that after a few months I started to feel better. I used the time to work on me and figure out what made me so codependent with him. I also took an honest look at the relationship with him and realized it was lonely and one sided.
I'm so much better now. I still think about him, but I don't miss him or want him back. I know I will never be in a relationship with an active alcoholic again. This has been a year of learning painful lessons I should have learned years ago. My money is spent on me and not given away to someone who had no respect for me.
Recently I met a nice, charming, great looking guy and went out with him few times. I noticed he drank each time we were together and realized he drank every day. Even though I liked him, it was so easy to walk away and not look back. It took me almost a year to get to this point but I'm so glad to have made it. Hang in there and keep reading the comments on the forum. There is so much wisdom and compassion and kindness here. I hope it gets easier for you.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: SAN FRANCISCO
Posts: 1,176
Your story resonates so much with me, firstly being subjected to lots of anger and abuse is incredibly hurtful from someone you love. I was guilt ridden and anxious when we broke up but I have been seeing a therapist myself, who has made me realize I was subjecting myself to someone who was very critical and could not accept me as a person. He would pick fights with me and then become angry when I would try to defend myself. The whole thing was ridiculous, I loved him dearly and still do but he is not the man for me and we were just never going to make it happen. He said he could not afford couples therapy or individual therapy for himself, but he could sure afford the booze. Aside from the drinking which drove me absolutely crazy, that was another thing he tried to blame on me. Anyway... I think one of the reasons the A. gets angry at us is because they don't want to be criticized for their drinking, it's the only way they know how to cope and they can get VERY defensive and lash out at whoever is attempting to take their substance away.
I was mad at myself also, I put up with so much and wondered why I didn't end the relationship ages ago, I could so clearly see it was not working out but he claimed he wanted to make things work.
I tried to recently get in touch with him because I have seen him around my workplace so I figured he must have gotten a job. I am glad he landed on his feet but he was incredibly hostile and is still angry and could care less about how I am doing and even insinuated I should be feeling in MORE pain for something I said to him after a brutal fight he provoked ... not a word of apology about the hurtful things he said and did to me. He blames me for everything too, every problem was my fault although he was a major control freak and mostly what I did was not behave in exact accordance with his wishes.
At first I was anxious, depressed and a guilt ridden mess but it has been almost 4 months and I think about him less and less. I replayed the ugly scenes in my head constantly and was tormenting myself. I am trying to get better and healthier on my own, focus on things I like to do such as meditation, painting and exercise. The meditation really helps a lot with the obsessive thinking. I have been seeing a therapist too, who has helped me to realize a drama conflict ridden relationship was not what I wanted and although I want to be in a relationship this man and I were never going to make it work. Also my self esteem has taken a major hit and we are working on that in therapy.
Forget about him and take care of YOU, focus on your goals and your life!
I was mad at myself also, I put up with so much and wondered why I didn't end the relationship ages ago, I could so clearly see it was not working out but he claimed he wanted to make things work.
I tried to recently get in touch with him because I have seen him around my workplace so I figured he must have gotten a job. I am glad he landed on his feet but he was incredibly hostile and is still angry and could care less about how I am doing and even insinuated I should be feeling in MORE pain for something I said to him after a brutal fight he provoked ... not a word of apology about the hurtful things he said and did to me. He blames me for everything too, every problem was my fault although he was a major control freak and mostly what I did was not behave in exact accordance with his wishes.
At first I was anxious, depressed and a guilt ridden mess but it has been almost 4 months and I think about him less and less. I replayed the ugly scenes in my head constantly and was tormenting myself. I am trying to get better and healthier on my own, focus on things I like to do such as meditation, painting and exercise. The meditation really helps a lot with the obsessive thinking. I have been seeing a therapist too, who has helped me to realize a drama conflict ridden relationship was not what I wanted and although I want to be in a relationship this man and I were never going to make it work. Also my self esteem has taken a major hit and we are working on that in therapy.
Forget about him and take care of YOU, focus on your goals and your life!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Oregon
Posts: 138
Ziggyb
Thank you and I understand about him picking the fights. We got into the worst fights I’ve ever had in my life. I cried for days over a few of them for the way I acted. I’ve never in my life yelled so much at anyone it’s not me. The whole thing was ridiculous that he would provoke me and I would react just how he wanted with being mean and packing his clothing and kicking him out, that way I did look psychotic and like a monster to kick him out of his own apartment. He would leave but always came back and when he did he never said he is sorry but I had to, if I didn’t I was treated even worse. Someday I hope he gets it, I really do that I was there for him but that is just a fantasy I have in my head that day will ever come for him. What hurts the most is every time he bought his beer it was well don’t you want some wine? I like a glass of wine, a glass mind you but he would always be your drinking to so I stopped drinking and it drove him nuts. I don’t have to drink and most of the time never wanted to it was all my ex-a saying come on loosen up and that was the starting of the relationship. So the last time we had any type of conversation it was well you were a drunk too. I had to laugh at that because for one a glass of wine is different that 2 packs of 18 beers a night. He didn’t drink hard alcohol thank god I did see that once and he didn’t remember what day it was but the beer and the smell of cheap beer is awful. I still have a lot of guilt over the last 7 months but I’m working on not driving myself crazy over it. Therapy is helping a ton, kind of like what you said you want to in a relationship but it was never going to work with him that is where I finally understand. Knowledge is power. Thank you for your post. Have a great Sunday.
Thank you and I understand about him picking the fights. We got into the worst fights I’ve ever had in my life. I cried for days over a few of them for the way I acted. I’ve never in my life yelled so much at anyone it’s not me. The whole thing was ridiculous that he would provoke me and I would react just how he wanted with being mean and packing his clothing and kicking him out, that way I did look psychotic and like a monster to kick him out of his own apartment. He would leave but always came back and when he did he never said he is sorry but I had to, if I didn’t I was treated even worse. Someday I hope he gets it, I really do that I was there for him but that is just a fantasy I have in my head that day will ever come for him. What hurts the most is every time he bought his beer it was well don’t you want some wine? I like a glass of wine, a glass mind you but he would always be your drinking to so I stopped drinking and it drove him nuts. I don’t have to drink and most of the time never wanted to it was all my ex-a saying come on loosen up and that was the starting of the relationship. So the last time we had any type of conversation it was well you were a drunk too. I had to laugh at that because for one a glass of wine is different that 2 packs of 18 beers a night. He didn’t drink hard alcohol thank god I did see that once and he didn’t remember what day it was but the beer and the smell of cheap beer is awful. I still have a lot of guilt over the last 7 months but I’m working on not driving myself crazy over it. Therapy is helping a ton, kind of like what you said you want to in a relationship but it was never going to work with him that is where I finally understand. Knowledge is power. Thank you for your post. Have a great Sunday.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
((Hugs))
You are in a mourning process. It will take time to heal.
It will get so much better, hang on, keep going to therapy, keep posting. You are NOT alone.
Mourning an active addict was the worst time of my life.
The pain taught me I am worth more than a life of abuse, a life of feeling invisible. It also taught me my concept of love is twisted and distorted due to my past.
You are becoming stronger and wiser, it gets much better, I promise.
I have no doubt at this point that by leaving I took the best decision for me.
I feel grateful - I was spared even more pain to come. Sometimes I feel sad, but more often than not, I feel grateful-as if I waking up from a nightmare.
Tc999
PS Don´t regret your past decisions, you did the best you could, now you can choose different things... we are only human...
You are in a mourning process. It will take time to heal.
It will get so much better, hang on, keep going to therapy, keep posting. You are NOT alone.
Mourning an active addict was the worst time of my life.
The pain taught me I am worth more than a life of abuse, a life of feeling invisible. It also taught me my concept of love is twisted and distorted due to my past.
You are becoming stronger and wiser, it gets much better, I promise.
I have no doubt at this point that by leaving I took the best decision for me.
I feel grateful - I was spared even more pain to come. Sometimes I feel sad, but more often than not, I feel grateful-as if I waking up from a nightmare.
Tc999
PS Don´t regret your past decisions, you did the best you could, now you can choose different things... we are only human...
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
First, a housekeeping item: It's helpful for the reader if you could make some paragraphs in your posts. All the sentences running together make me dIzZy and fall over! 
I know what you are feeling and going through, especially with the mornings. For months I woke up every morning crying from the depths of my soul. Have spent the better part of this year on an emotional rollercoaster to Hell. Fortunately, I've jumped off. I've been to Hell already and I don't want to go back there. How did I get off? I learned what I have really been dealing with.
When you stop believing the lies they told. When you stop believing you need that particular person in order to flourish. When you start taking full responsibility for everything you did, and everything that happens to you, and every decision you made and need to make. When you stop taking the blame for what happened and stop blaming others too. when you start looking at his behaviors as HIS and nothing to do with you. When you accept that you are worth every bit of love in the world. When you remember and see your strengths, beauty, and accomplishments very clearly. When you dare to dream again. When you finally see him as a human being separate and distinct from you. You will stop crying.
I know what you are feeling and going through, especially with the mornings. For months I woke up every morning crying from the depths of my soul. Have spent the better part of this year on an emotional rollercoaster to Hell. Fortunately, I've jumped off. I've been to Hell already and I don't want to go back there. How did I get off? I learned what I have really been dealing with.
When you stop believing the lies they told. When you stop believing you need that particular person in order to flourish. When you start taking full responsibility for everything you did, and everything that happens to you, and every decision you made and need to make. When you stop taking the blame for what happened and stop blaming others too. when you start looking at his behaviors as HIS and nothing to do with you. When you accept that you are worth every bit of love in the world. When you remember and see your strengths, beauty, and accomplishments very clearly. When you dare to dream again. When you finally see him as a human being separate and distinct from you. You will stop crying.
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Arlington, Virginia
Posts: 12
learn2live,
I think your post is excellent. I had no idea of the amount of lies he told. It was ironic that when I met him he told me he only had one woman and one dog in his life at all times. He also told me hated liars and never lied himself. What a crock that was.
It took me a few months to start putting the lies together. I didn't suspect most of them at the time because there was no reason to lie to me about stuff. Then I found out from friends and neighbors about the stupid lies he told. He always told me he cut the grass, but had a neighbor do it instead. Why would someone lie about something as simple as that?
Once I figured out that the lying had nothing to do with me, it made it easier to understand. I think we need to let ourselves off the hook for staying when we should have left and for believing the lies we shouldn't have believed. Their behavior is not our behavior and once I started to realize that it made it easier for me to get over the pain.
I think your post is excellent. I had no idea of the amount of lies he told. It was ironic that when I met him he told me he only had one woman and one dog in his life at all times. He also told me hated liars and never lied himself. What a crock that was.
It took me a few months to start putting the lies together. I didn't suspect most of them at the time because there was no reason to lie to me about stuff. Then I found out from friends and neighbors about the stupid lies he told. He always told me he cut the grass, but had a neighbor do it instead. Why would someone lie about something as simple as that?
Once I figured out that the lying had nothing to do with me, it made it easier to understand. I think we need to let ourselves off the hook for staying when we should have left and for believing the lies we shouldn't have believed. Their behavior is not our behavior and once I started to realize that it made it easier for me to get over the pain.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
It is very difficult to know when a person like that is lying. Because yes! Why would anyone lie about things like mowing the lawn? I mean I would never lie about something like that!! I would never see a reason to lie like that. But THEY are not like US and we make the mistake of assuming they are.
After reading Dr Simon's books, I can see things from a different perspective. I have really only understood the kind of behavior and relationships we talk about here in the context of alcoholism and addiction. But as many folks have said, and I am only just beginning to really grasp, is that alcoholism and addiction are only SYMPTOMS of the underlying problem! Now I understand that I need to look out for character disturbance. That continuing to assume people are like me is DANGEROUS! Dr Simon would describe us as Neurotics, that is, people who worry about hurting others, do our best to take care of things responsibly, who actually feel guilt and want to do the right thing. Then there are the character disordered. They feel no guilt, feel no empathy, and exploit us neurotics in order to get what they want. Yes, they LIE. And yes, they LIVE a lie!
Well, I guess I've found and learned the life lesson this person who has left my life was meant to bring me. If you keep your focus strong on accepting that life is a journey and that as you are on this journey, life will bring you the lessons you need to learn, you will realize that these alcoholics and addicts we get involved with are simply MESSENGERS. You don't NEED to invite the mailman into your house in order to keep getting your mail. You don't need to marry the FedEx man to keep getting your Amazon orders! Let them return to the warehouse and find someone who actually cares about other people to enjoy life with.
After reading Dr Simon's books, I can see things from a different perspective. I have really only understood the kind of behavior and relationships we talk about here in the context of alcoholism and addiction. But as many folks have said, and I am only just beginning to really grasp, is that alcoholism and addiction are only SYMPTOMS of the underlying problem! Now I understand that I need to look out for character disturbance. That continuing to assume people are like me is DANGEROUS! Dr Simon would describe us as Neurotics, that is, people who worry about hurting others, do our best to take care of things responsibly, who actually feel guilt and want to do the right thing. Then there are the character disordered. They feel no guilt, feel no empathy, and exploit us neurotics in order to get what they want. Yes, they LIE. And yes, they LIVE a lie!
Well, I guess I've found and learned the life lesson this person who has left my life was meant to bring me. If you keep your focus strong on accepting that life is a journey and that as you are on this journey, life will bring you the lessons you need to learn, you will realize that these alcoholics and addicts we get involved with are simply MESSENGERS. You don't NEED to invite the mailman into your house in order to keep getting your mail. You don't need to marry the FedEx man to keep getting your Amazon orders! Let them return to the warehouse and find someone who actually cares about other people to enjoy life with.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Oregon
Posts: 138
Learn2live,
Thank you for that message, I understand what your saying about them being the messengers. I have alot to learn about myself and it was pointed out during my time wih my ex-a, what a help with your words today.
Thank you for that message, I understand what your saying about them being the messengers. I have alot to learn about myself and it was pointed out during my time wih my ex-a, what a help with your words today.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Originally Posted by lovesunandsnow
Although he has blocked my number saying I’m a cancer in his life.
For an easy reminder right now - read the sentence above. Good God - who says sh!t like that to other people??!!!
I think you can do and most definitely deserve better than this, don't you?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Oregon
Posts: 138
You are so correct. I actually have been keeping that list for three months. It started right when we were loosing our apartment because I couldn't believe it. So thank you I will continue my list, today I was talking with a good friend and I also have lost a ton of weight, myself 50lbs but I lost 190lbs of baggage! That is over 200lb I feel so much lighter on... The answer to your question is yes I do deserve more, no one should live the way I did.
Thank you!
Thank you!
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