Do you remember...??
Getting there!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Do you remember...??
Do you remember your real moment of clarity? When you decided to make a real change in your life, then did it. (not just the thoughts but also the actions) Would appreciate your ESH! Thank you!!
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
The moment I remember most is also when I hit my bottom. I had driven an hour to another city to drag my son from a crack house, threatened to kick down the door when they said he wasn't there...me, lady Ann threatened to kick down a door.
He came out, we went to his apartment where I spent the night on his couch and in the morning I left to come home and he left to go back to the crack house.
Driving down the highway I had to pull over to clear my tears. It was then that I knew I was done. I remember telling God that I could not live one more day like this and right there on the side of the highway, I gave my son's care to God. I immediately felt my load lifted, and I have never asked for my son's care back. I begin each day and again ask God to take care of my son, and then I live my life well and find beauty and peace in every single day.
Clarity comes when it comes, but once it does we never have to learn that lesson again.
Hugs
He came out, we went to his apartment where I spent the night on his couch and in the morning I left to come home and he left to go back to the crack house.
Driving down the highway I had to pull over to clear my tears. It was then that I knew I was done. I remember telling God that I could not live one more day like this and right there on the side of the highway, I gave my son's care to God. I immediately felt my load lifted, and I have never asked for my son's care back. I begin each day and again ask God to take care of my son, and then I live my life well and find beauty and peace in every single day.
Clarity comes when it comes, but once it does we never have to learn that lesson again.
Hugs
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
When I had him arrested in my front yard. He was drunk and I would not let him in, he called the sheriff, they came and clearly explained to me that since he had lived in my home for 6 months or longer, according to Florida law, I had to let him back in.
I refused, and put my wrists out, told them to arrest me, this was my home and I was done. The sheriff deputy just stared at me for a while and said "I need to check with my partner", I said "Fine, and while you are out there check the ex for drugs".
They did and guess what? They found pot on him, they also ran a check and he had a warrant outstanding, he was arrested. The deputy said "I've never met anyone like you,you wouldn't have let him in...would you?" Nope, wasn't going to happen and I knew that this was a civil matter and he would have no right to arrest me.
In any case...off to prison he went, yes, the fat lady sang...I was done!
I refused, and put my wrists out, told them to arrest me, this was my home and I was done. The sheriff deputy just stared at me for a while and said "I need to check with my partner", I said "Fine, and while you are out there check the ex for drugs".
They did and guess what? They found pot on him, they also ran a check and he had a warrant outstanding, he was arrested. The deputy said "I've never met anyone like you,you wouldn't have let him in...would you?" Nope, wasn't going to happen and I knew that this was a civil matter and he would have no right to arrest me.
In any case...off to prison he went, yes, the fat lady sang...I was done!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
Mine was Winter Solstice,2011. I had found SR shortly before----and had read page
after page,sticky after sticky---and finally de-lurked and put my story out here on SR.
Some good hearted,compassionate people told me the truth.
But it wasn't what I wanted to hear,so I did what 2 year olds do....ignored it.
Who are these people,what makes them think they know so much? They know
nothing of this situation-----and are probably just a bunch of trolls,in all likelihood
40-yr old dipsticks still living in Mom's basement.
( I even made fun of their screen names!)
When the tantrum was over,the truth could be avoided no longer.
I asked God for help......in a roundabout way.....to whit:
"With all due respect,I don't believe in you.I think the whole 'magic
invisible man in the sky' schtick is a play on emotions.Sand for people who
don't have the guts to face life head on.....to stick their head into."
"With that out of the way,you know I am one of those people who
only go to your house when we are baptised(too young to resist),weddings
(it's what people do),and funerals(no choice,family wants closure,am
in no condition to quibble)."
"With all my cards on the table----I've come to ask something of
you.When you stop laughing (and yes I deserve it)......OK,I'll wait 'til you
finish"..........
......... ........... .......... ......... ......
"I ask you to watch over her.I ask you to heal the hurt deep within her,
the hurt that even this ghastly horror of addiction.....is merely but a symptom.
There is nothing more that I can do materially for her.And what I WAS able
to do probably fueled this horror rather than vanquished it.
All my life I thought addicts were just losers.Gutless incompetents without
the skill or wherewithall to navigate and prevail in the dogfight of life.But she was
not any of those things.She just let the stresses of life lead her down a dark path.
Soon the psychochemical realities of addiction trapped her there.
It led me(a confirmed atheist to put it mildly)---to pray.The real
deal,on my knees,church and all,no BS.
I did find peace.I then understood that she would find her way home,or
depart this world in the arms of a loving God...and it would be OK.
So it worked out OK. God got to carve a notch in his 'atheist a**holes' stick
and I got some peace.What I am NOT doing anymore is running to streetcorners
with ALL my pocket cash....... 'playing God'.
It was almost like I heard God saying:"Thanks,jerkweed,for getting out of the
way.....I have work yet to do on this one-----and your dumb a** was just mucking
things up."
Of course,I thanked God (if that isn't too cliche?)
'Cud have sworn I heard the words ( upon leaving church)......
" ........Yeah,jerkweed......whatever. Be sure to come back
next time you need something.......f-ing atheists!"
after page,sticky after sticky---and finally de-lurked and put my story out here on SR.
Some good hearted,compassionate people told me the truth.
But it wasn't what I wanted to hear,so I did what 2 year olds do....ignored it.
Who are these people,what makes them think they know so much? They know
nothing of this situation-----and are probably just a bunch of trolls,in all likelihood
40-yr old dipsticks still living in Mom's basement.
( I even made fun of their screen names!)
When the tantrum was over,the truth could be avoided no longer.
I asked God for help......in a roundabout way.....to whit:
"With all due respect,I don't believe in you.I think the whole 'magic
invisible man in the sky' schtick is a play on emotions.Sand for people who
don't have the guts to face life head on.....to stick their head into."
"With that out of the way,you know I am one of those people who
only go to your house when we are baptised(too young to resist),weddings
(it's what people do),and funerals(no choice,family wants closure,am
in no condition to quibble)."
"With all my cards on the table----I've come to ask something of
you.When you stop laughing (and yes I deserve it)......OK,I'll wait 'til you
finish"..........
......... ........... .......... ......... ......
"I ask you to watch over her.I ask you to heal the hurt deep within her,
the hurt that even this ghastly horror of addiction.....is merely but a symptom.
There is nothing more that I can do materially for her.And what I WAS able
to do probably fueled this horror rather than vanquished it.
All my life I thought addicts were just losers.Gutless incompetents without
the skill or wherewithall to navigate and prevail in the dogfight of life.But she was
not any of those things.She just let the stresses of life lead her down a dark path.
Soon the psychochemical realities of addiction trapped her there.
It led me(a confirmed atheist to put it mildly)---to pray.The real
deal,on my knees,church and all,no BS.
I did find peace.I then understood that she would find her way home,or
depart this world in the arms of a loving God...and it would be OK.
So it worked out OK. God got to carve a notch in his 'atheist a**holes' stick
and I got some peace.What I am NOT doing anymore is running to streetcorners
with ALL my pocket cash....... 'playing God'.
It was almost like I heard God saying:"Thanks,jerkweed,for getting out of the
way.....I have work yet to do on this one-----and your dumb a** was just mucking
things up."
Of course,I thanked God (if that isn't too cliche?)
'Cud have sworn I heard the words ( upon leaving church)......
" ........Yeah,jerkweed......whatever. Be sure to come back
next time you need something.......f-ing atheists!"
Getting there!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Vale, my sweet, dear friend - While the pain of addiction is unmeasurable, I am so happy she came into your life. She brought you to God, or IMO, God brought her to you for a reason. HE was it!!
Dollydo - You crack me up. Oh, how I would have loved to be your neighbor that night, lol. I am sure your "story" is one the deputies will always remember. Good job!!
Ann - Thank you always for sharing. My clarity came while I was driving too. I also had to pull over and wipe away my tears. My therapist told me a few weeks go that God always seems to talk to her while she is in her car. It must just be when he has our undivided attention.
Dollydo - You crack me up. Oh, how I would have loved to be your neighbor that night, lol. I am sure your "story" is one the deputies will always remember. Good job!!
Ann - Thank you always for sharing. My clarity came while I was driving too. I also had to pull over and wipe away my tears. My therapist told me a few weeks go that God always seems to talk to her while she is in her car. It must just be when he has our undivided attention.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Canada
Posts: 230
I had been struggling for some time with his random disappearances. He would say he needed cigarettes and would leave for three days. I didn't know what to do. There was verbal abuse, physical abuse, and constant drinking. I kept trying to 'fix' things. I felt like I was going crazy.
The absolute last straw was actually the other woman. I told him that i didn't want him to speak to her ever again. He supposedly whole heartedly agreed.
Then it happened. I found a campground receipt with both of their names on it. It was early, maybe 7 am. He had screamed at me the night before and sat on me telling me I was crazy and stupid. I took him the receipt. He told me it was a typo (really?) then he said that it was an accident, and then he said he could explain. I didn't listen. I had heard all of these lies before. I picked up a baseball bat and told him to leave. He refused. I hit him. I grabbed the phone and ran to a corner where he couldn't reach me and called my dad. My dad came over probably as fast as he could drive. STBXAH left.
Recalling that morning is painful to think about.
In that moment I knew I could never go back. I could never return to the life that we once had.
The absolute last straw was actually the other woman. I told him that i didn't want him to speak to her ever again. He supposedly whole heartedly agreed.
Then it happened. I found a campground receipt with both of their names on it. It was early, maybe 7 am. He had screamed at me the night before and sat on me telling me I was crazy and stupid. I took him the receipt. He told me it was a typo (really?) then he said that it was an accident, and then he said he could explain. I didn't listen. I had heard all of these lies before. I picked up a baseball bat and told him to leave. He refused. I hit him. I grabbed the phone and ran to a corner where he couldn't reach me and called my dad. My dad came over probably as fast as he could drive. STBXAH left.
Recalling that morning is painful to think about.
In that moment I knew I could never go back. I could never return to the life that we once had.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Sunshine, Sea Breeze & Palm Trees
Posts: 282
I think my clarity really came after I started to live and enjoy life without an addict around me.
While dating the addict, I knew I was in a bad relationship. I knew I was hurting, I knew I was sad, worried, scared, and stressed out of my mind... but the fear of "goodbye" really haunted me. I've always had abandonment issues. Because I fear being abandoned... it's hard for me to let go or "abandon" people, even when it's the right thing to do.
I knew if I had stayed in the same geographic location as the addict, I would never make it out. He was too charming. He knew what to say and he made me melt when he wanted to. So when it came to making a decision to stay in one state versus moving back home to family and friends that I grew up with in another state, I made the painful decision to move back home. I knew in my heart that it was my only way out. I will still have a chance if I go home... far from the addict where he cannot mess with my heart and mind. At that time of decision making, I was still very upset about it. The months leading up to leaving was painful. I tried to prolong my stay even though I would be leaving no matter what eventually. Doing so only prolonged my stress, sadness, and being stolen from (lol).
Now that I've moved back to my place of serenity and lived life without the chaos that comes with an addict for almost 2 years, I came to really appreciate a lifestyle without toxicity. I am much more aware of the choices I make these days and what type of people I let in to my life.
Clarity these days means to me "Wow, I am really glad that I got away!!" and truly believing it.
While dating the addict, I knew I was in a bad relationship. I knew I was hurting, I knew I was sad, worried, scared, and stressed out of my mind... but the fear of "goodbye" really haunted me. I've always had abandonment issues. Because I fear being abandoned... it's hard for me to let go or "abandon" people, even when it's the right thing to do.
I knew if I had stayed in the same geographic location as the addict, I would never make it out. He was too charming. He knew what to say and he made me melt when he wanted to. So when it came to making a decision to stay in one state versus moving back home to family and friends that I grew up with in another state, I made the painful decision to move back home. I knew in my heart that it was my only way out. I will still have a chance if I go home... far from the addict where he cannot mess with my heart and mind. At that time of decision making, I was still very upset about it. The months leading up to leaving was painful. I tried to prolong my stay even though I would be leaving no matter what eventually. Doing so only prolonged my stress, sadness, and being stolen from (lol).
Now that I've moved back to my place of serenity and lived life without the chaos that comes with an addict for almost 2 years, I came to really appreciate a lifestyle without toxicity. I am much more aware of the choices I make these days and what type of people I let in to my life.
Clarity these days means to me "Wow, I am really glad that I got away!!" and truly believing it.
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