February13

I went to see my Ex today. He has been sober for almost a week now.
Because he used ******** I guess I expected him to feel kind of together?? I
guess I was wrong.

I am so sad. It feels like he has such a long way to go and it feels so hard.
I am pretty sure he will be asking me to visit a lot, cook and clean for him
etc. and I cannot do those things. In fact I was even considering giving him
my address earlier this week cause its too hard having to drive to his place
with our 2 year old. It's at least a 40 minutes drive and if we stay there 2
hours then it's 3 hours and 20+ minutes where I haven't clean,cooked,
grocery shopped or exercise (never mind attended a meeting!) and where
our daughter hasn't been playing outside and hasn't had a bath...The days
go by so fast I guess the only solution is him meeting us at a public place to
hang out since giving him our address so soon could be a big mistake. If we
meet at a playground I guess DD gets to play outside AND we don't have to
drive 40+ minutes each way. I don't think it's an option yet (he's still pretty
weak).. but maybe in a few weeks.

When we got to his place he seemed very depressed. He said he was
freezing. His heart rate was only 53 bpm?? and he talked about ending his
life if he doesn't feel better soon. (within a few weeks to a month?). He
asked me to warm up some soup for him and almost instantly after eating
he didn't feel as cold, his heart rate was up to 75 bpm and he seemed a lot
happier, sitting in bed rather than laying down.

He did make some comment about my appearance which pissed me right
off. I gained a lot of weight. I weigh a lot more than before I got pregnant. I
weigh a lot more than when our daughter was a year old in fact. I know I
have to take care of myself but I feel that it has been really hard for a long
time. I pretty much have been a single parent all along. Even before he
started using he wouldn't even watch her while I took a shower, never mind
me going for a walk or anything like that. (And once he was using it's not
like you can call a babysitter and say "don't mind the drug addict in the
other room!!)

I feel so angry sometimes. I feel like he really let me down in so many
ways. I don't know if I can ever forgive him and a part of me doesn't even
want to forgive him by fear that I'll end up in this stupid situation with no
help at all again.

I know I have to help myself. I am still living on a bit of savings. I have the
name and number of a couple of babysitters so I can get a tiny bit of time
for myself. I am also thinking of seeing a therapist.
I really think I should ask my ex some money. I am a little bit afraid of his
reaction. Such a codependent thing too no? Unable to ask for what I need. I
am pretty sure he would just write me a cheque.

On top of that... I am a bit afraid of even mentioning it but.. our little girl said something about a woman hurting her bum, she's another mom at the woman centre and after questioning my little girl I am VERY confident that all that it was is that the lady patted her bum but as my daughter unlike hers is not wearing a diaper anymore it hurt a little. Our Little girl mentioned this to both of us and her dad thinks I should never go back there in case something worse happened. Never go back to the one place in the city where they have Alanon meetings and a babysitter.Yeah... Just what I need. I want to go back there... I am not sure if I should tell her dad before doing it. A part of me wonders if he is truly concerned about our daughter's well being or if he is just trying to sabotage me. (There is this part of my brain screaming
S-A-B-O-T-A-G-E-!!! right now).

Well, I don't feel quite as exasperated now that I got all of that out...

tbeit

her dad thinks I should never go back there in case something worse happened. Never go back to the one place in the city where they have Alanon meetings and a babysitter.Yeah... Just what I need. I want to go back there.

You are a mom go with your instincs. If you dont feel like it was a big deal it probably wasn't. Maybe you should mention it to the lady in question and say we dont hit if theres a problem I'm right in the next room come get me. It sounds like he's threatened by you going to a program please dont let him sabotage you

Ann

Please give yourself more time before you make big decisions. He may be throwing you off balance, but...said with love in my heart...you are sabotaging yourself by questioning everything you do. You are a good mom, a good person and you can do this.

I would listen to your daughter and at least ask what happened and perhaps not put her in the care of the woman who hurt her again.

Letting him back would not help anything, that's why he's not there now, remember? If he has income, it would seem he should be paying child support..it's not codie asking for support for his child. If he is not working then I doubt he would pay whether you ask or not.

Keep going to your meetings. Time will bring you the answers you need.

You can do this.

Hugs

outtolunch

He has a moral and financial obligation to support his child. If you cannot advocate for her, who will?

I don't know if the courts in your area will supervise visitation. If so, this may be the best long term option.

As to your child's bum, the incidences of women sexually molestating anyone, let alone a small same sex child are extremely rare. Have you considered talking to the woman to let her know the " patting the po-po" thing could be misinterpreted. She will likely be stunned, embarassed and eventually appreciate the perspective.

Seeking professional help to develop assertiveness skills sounds like a good plan.

hello-kitty

If he's not even capable of caring for his own wellbeing by feeding himself, he's most likely not capable of caring for his daughters wellbeing either. You do what you feel is wise for you and your child. I say wise because it may feel uncomfortable at first and it may not be easy - but doing the wisest thing seldom is.

It's absolutely acceptable and ok to ask whoever hurt your daughters "bum" what happened. It doesn't have to be a negative or accusatory thing - just a "my child said someone hurt her bum last time I was here. Do you know what she's talking about?" And yes, I'd also kindly explain that you don't spank in your family, and if there is a problem she should come get you.

And PS. I recommend thinking about setting a personal boundary: I will not spend my precious time taking care of people who criticize me and make me feel bad about myself. I will choose to spend my time and energy on people who build me up and make me feel special and loved.

Here you are feeding him, cleaning his house and raising his child. And he criticizes you? That's not ok. That's mean and abusive.