PhDiva

I am really struggling with separating from my A because I have this fear that he will get sober, find someone new and live a happy life, which will indicate that I really was the reason for his drinking. I'm also hurting because I will have to be without my children for several days at a time while they are with my spouse. I work full time and in the evenings at home so the time I do get with my children is already limited. I could really use some help with these struggles.

Zube

Trust me, you are neither the reason for his drinking, nor will you be the reason for his sobriety. The alcoholic brain doesn't work that way.

Best of wishes in whatever you decide.
Zube

Pelican

Welcome to the SR family!

First, breathe. Take some deep breaths and focus your thoughts on this moment.

You don't have to have all the answers by 8 a.m.? right?

We don't arrive in these situations overnight, and we need to give ourselves time to make healthy decisions for our future (and the future of our children).

In my case, (and examples of many members here) active alcoholics do not keep up with their visitation schedule. Anytime my AX (alcoholic ex) wants to skip out on visitation ~ I am okay with that plan.

My experience is that an alcoholic is an absent parent. During and after divorce, that pattern will continue. I couldn't force him into being a responsible parent while we were married, and I am powerless to change that after the marriage is dissolved.

I recommend getting one or two free consultations with local family lawyers. This is a fact finding mission. Find out what your rights are in your community and then you can beging to formulate a plan of action.

Please make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed. There are some older, permanent threads at the top of this forum page. They contain some of our stories, and loads of wisdom. This is one of my favorites:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html

Titanic

I don't know whether it's you or he that's thinking the separation path. Either way, please consider going to Al-Anon meetings.

itsmylifenow

Please know, you are NOT the reason for his drinking.

My experience is that they enjoy using you as the reason because they are so messed up, it's easier to blame someone else than admit the truth to themselves.

And, if you read on the A's forum..you will see that just quitting drinking isn't an overnight turn-your-life-around kind of thing. I had the same concern as you expressed about my xabf. He was going to get a new gf and stop partying for her. He'd get a job. He'd clean his house. He'd stop drinking and being angry and become this perfect guy.

It doesn't work that way. I had a discussion with a mutual friend of ours the other night. He told me that xabf was flirting with another woman in front of the new gf. That he'd talked to her in a tone that he couldn't ever imagine doing to a woman. I can hear the controlling voice in things I have seen on-line that he's written. He has a one track mind and he's looking for the perfect woman to fit everything HE needs. He's still selfish, controlling and abusive.

And, that's the key here. My xabf was selfish. He believes he's fine just the way he is and everyone around him needs to change. And, they usually do, but not for the good.

PhDiva

Thanks for the supportive words. I started going to ALANON about six years ago but stopped going when he was sober for about three years. Last October (I think) he started drinking again and I haven't had the courage to go back to my home ALANON group. I'm embarrassed that I stopped going and that I thought I could do it alone.

It's me who wants to separate. I turned 40 (sigh) this month and realized that I didn't want to live out the last half of my life this way. But I have been struggling with the "what ifs"....what if he get's sober, what if no one will love a 40 year old with two children, what if I lose all my friends, and on and on.

This is such a mess.

Pelican

I encourage you to go back to Alanon. I am sure you will be welcomed and there may be some newbies there that can benefit from your experiences.

I also had fears about leaving my AH and I am a few years older than you. I wanted more for my life, but I also wanted more for my children's future.

Today, it has been 3 1/2 years since my divorce.
I am a happier, healthier Pelican today.

And I have a partner who is open, honest, forthright and treats me with respect as an equal partner is life!

Get back in your Alanon routine and you will find the inner strength to face your fears, one day at a time!

GettingBy

Hi phdiva and welcome!!!

I was in your shoes just 18 months ago. Paralyzed by all the what ifs. It was so hard to know what to do. What helped me was stepping back into TODAY. Right here. Right now. Jumping out in the future (projecting!!) overwhelmed and confused me to the point that I couldn't make even the smallest decisions.

I don't know if separation is the answer for YOU... But I can share my experience.

I had gone to al-anon many many years ago, right after we got married. Somewhere along the way, I stopped. Life moved on... The drinking subsided and life was good. But alcoholism, when left untreated as was our case, eventually reared it's ugly head... Massively. And now, it was different. We had two children in the mix and what they were living through was not healthy or unacceptable.

I made the decision to proceed with a divorce because my ex had no interest in getting sober or accepting responsiblity for his part. It was the single hardest decision I have ever made... But without a doubt, the BEST decision I have ever made. I'm 11 months out from living day to day in that life... The kids are flourishing and so am I. We are so much happier and peaceful. Life is healthy and balanced. The custody arrangement is that the kids are with me about 80% of the time... Which is HARD on me bc I have a full time engineering career and I have lots of evening board meetings... BUT... It has just worked out. I have learned to ask for help from family and friends. I have been blessed to have two wonderful teenagers living next door to our new house. It's AMAZING... And it's all because I have chosen to let go of my need to do it all.

We are officially divorced and I feel so free. I have gone back to my maiden name and the kids were soo supportive of that. To me it all boils down to my attitude... I have a chose to be negative, doomy-gloomy... Or I can chose gratitude and see all the good and hope.

Faith is key.

Thanks for letting me share . Sending you lots of hugs and strength!!
Shannon

OhBoy

At my home meeting last week we had someone who was a regular years ago come back for the first time I believe in 5 years. Everyone who knew him greeted him with a smile & welcomed him back. There was nothing awkward about it. Alanon is there whether you attend or not. It there FOR you if you are there or not. If it helped you before, you know it can help again, nothing to be embarrassed about. Look at it this way, you had a three year step study on step one, now step two!

NYCDoglvr

Wow, what grandiosity! That would make you a very powerful person indeed. It is literally impossible to cause someone to turn into an alcoholic. Unless you held him down and forced alcohol down his throat -- every day for years.

Of course it's tough to leave a relationship, even a bad one. Alcoholism is a progressive disease and you can stick around and watch him get worse. No one knows what life will bring us. Just keep your focus in TODAY, and try not to project. Alanon..........

keepingmyjoy1

Hello PhDiva. I just wanted to share that I left my AH just under 2 months ago. He got himself to AA just as I was leaving and as far as I can tell, he is not drinking so far. While it is not a very long time to have stopped drinking, he has definitely been the Dr. Jeckyl version of himself. I am not missing the Mr. Hyde guy. But...he is by no means recovered. It is not all roses. If he found someone right now, or even a year from now, would he be living a happily ever after life? Nope. Not a chance. It would take years for him to get to the place where he did not replace me with another codependent person that will pick up where I left off. (In case you are wondering why I have contact with him, we have a child together)

You might be surprised how everything works out after leaving. I sometimes work up to 70 hrs a week, with a lot of the overtime at home. I get up very early in the morning to work so that I can have the evenings with my son. It works out. And the kids? Well, as much as mine misses "his house", he is much happier without all the drama.

Even though it does not seem like it when you are in the decision part of the process, I found that once I decided, I mean really decided, that I was leaving, everything fell into place. Sending good thoughts your way for clarity, and peace. Hugs.

JeffKan1

Hi Diva, a gem from my last Al-Anon meeting..."I didn't cause it, I can't control it, and I can't cure it". Sounds like this is your first big step: understanding that it wasn't you that is the reason for his drinking. He may tell you that, and he may say that his friends and family agree with him, that you were mostly or completely to blame for his drinking. But it's not your fault.

So hang in there, do what you gotta do to make it through today, think about going to an Al-Anon meeting, it's for friends and families of alcoholics. Try going to at least 6 before you decide if it's for you or not. I went to 3, wasn't getting much. The fourth was excellent, mostly because I finally decided to talk. :o)

Best of luck to you!

ODAT63

Hi Diva,
At one year sobriety my AH told me he wanted the divorce, he moved out few weeks later, he went NC and we had a nasty divorce. I felt that after 17 years of putting up with his crap he gets sober and leaves!!! OMG!! Well things were not better the year he was sober, actually I did not know who he was once sober but the good thing was I had to learn who I was and find me back!
It has been the best thing he ever did for me, I miss him now and then but I think is the Illusion that I missed the most.
Life has been amazingly better without him. I now who I am and I will not settle for anything less than what I want and deserve!
I lost contact with him 1 1/2 years ago, however I pray he is happy...the rest is up to my HP.

lillamy

You know, I've thought the same about my WeightWatcher group. You walk out of there a winner and a few years later you walk back in with all the weight you lost put back on and then some.

The thing is -- I think in both cases, you'll find that you're not the only one who's done it. And I think you'll walk back into Al-Anon with an awful lot of experience to share with others. So not only will your presence there help you, it will help others as well.