Missing Her. I Must Be Crazy!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 122
Missing Her. I Must Be Crazy!
I am feeling sad today.
My XAGF lives in a sober living facility about an hour away.
She comes to my side of town to meet with her sponsor every Thursday. So after her sponsor meeting we would spend the day together.
I was constantly reminded that now that she is sober little has changed in her behavior.
I finally could no longer take the hurt.
So I ended our relationship two weeks ago.
She was shocked. But then informed me that it was for the best because she had met someone in sober living.
Two weeks out of rehab and she already had a new boyfriend.
So what exactly am I missing?
Is it the lying?
Maybe the constant deceit?
Or could it be how she would tell me she loved me on Monday, then felt nothing for me on Tuesday?
Could it be the constant pain and torment that she put me through when she was drinking?
I know it must be how much she needed me through the whole rehab process both emotionally and financially. And how I stuck by her through that process. With hardly a thank you.
She told me that I literally saved her life. She would never forget that. And how much she loved and appreciated me. Two days before confessing that she was seeing someone else.
Who could not miss a relationship like this?
I have been going to an AL Anon meeting everyday. It has truly been a life saver.
Al Anon was there for me while she was in my life. But more important it is there for me to start a new life without her.
I am going to go through waves of sadness. Only thinking of the good times with her.
But as long as I make the commitment to myself of no contact "one day at a time" the waves will come fewer and farther apart.
I deserve better than this.
I want better then this.
Never again will I give so much to someone who gives me so little.
I must constantly remind myself that the pain and suffering that I feel now is nothing compared to what it was when we were together.
I finally have my life back.
TIME TO MOVE FORWARD!
My XAGF lives in a sober living facility about an hour away.
She comes to my side of town to meet with her sponsor every Thursday. So after her sponsor meeting we would spend the day together.
I was constantly reminded that now that she is sober little has changed in her behavior.
I finally could no longer take the hurt.
So I ended our relationship two weeks ago.
She was shocked. But then informed me that it was for the best because she had met someone in sober living.
Two weeks out of rehab and she already had a new boyfriend.
So what exactly am I missing?
Is it the lying?
Maybe the constant deceit?
Or could it be how she would tell me she loved me on Monday, then felt nothing for me on Tuesday?
Could it be the constant pain and torment that she put me through when she was drinking?
I know it must be how much she needed me through the whole rehab process both emotionally and financially. And how I stuck by her through that process. With hardly a thank you.
She told me that I literally saved her life. She would never forget that. And how much she loved and appreciated me. Two days before confessing that she was seeing someone else.
Who could not miss a relationship like this?
I have been going to an AL Anon meeting everyday. It has truly been a life saver.
Al Anon was there for me while she was in my life. But more important it is there for me to start a new life without her.
I am going to go through waves of sadness. Only thinking of the good times with her.
But as long as I make the commitment to myself of no contact "one day at a time" the waves will come fewer and farther apart.
I deserve better than this.
I want better then this.
Never again will I give so much to someone who gives me so little.
I must constantly remind myself that the pain and suffering that I feel now is nothing compared to what it was when we were together.
I finally have my life back.
TIME TO MOVE FORWARD!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
You're not crazy. You have this disease called being a human being. There's no cure!
Feelings don't always make sense, and sometimes we have to accept that and try not to make decisions based on things that don't make sense.
You DO deserve better. For me, 'better' meant time and taking care of myself. You are already doing the taking care of yourself part, and the rest is up to time, whose schedule you sadly have no say in. Wish I could speed things up for you!!!!
Feelings don't always make sense, and sometimes we have to accept that and try not to make decisions based on things that don't make sense.
You DO deserve better. For me, 'better' meant time and taking care of myself. You are already doing the taking care of yourself part, and the rest is up to time, whose schedule you sadly have no say in. Wish I could speed things up for you!!!!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Oregon
Posts: 138
I am in the same place with the waves! I hurt today, so much I cannot stop crying. I was with a man that I was going to marry. A year in a half later he will not talk to me because I cannot help him anymore. It's like I went from his best friend to nothing overnight. He walked away from me and now I'm in the darkest place I've ever encountered in my life. I went from being sucessful in life to 1.5 years later to almost loosing everything and starting over with debt that's not even mine. So yes time to move forward for me to. It's hard and I'm sure my bad days are far from over but I keep thinking the good days have to get her soon, I'm trying for them, I'm plugging away to keep positive but the minute I have no motion and I sit down the wave of grief hits me so hard it takes me an hour to regroup! Hang in there so exchausted because it has to get better. THink of it as a favor to her that your letting her go and good luck to the new person, chaos will always follow them, sad to say.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 14
i recently ended my relationship with my RAGF. i think that knowing she moved on with someone else would actually ease my pain to be honest.
i dont have much credibility in giving advice, as i am just now experiencing this and just started going to ALANON myself, but when you are remembering the good time, please do yourself the favor and remember the bad times as well.
i do everytime i doubt myself if i made the right decision or not.
stay strong.
i dont have much credibility in giving advice, as i am just now experiencing this and just started going to ALANON myself, but when you are remembering the good time, please do yourself the favor and remember the bad times as well.
i do everytime i doubt myself if i made the right decision or not.
stay strong.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 122
Xtapodi:
In some ways her having someone else does make things a little easier.
Every time I start to get a little weak and think about contacting her I say to myself screw that, she is not sitting by the phone waiting for my call. She has a new man.
All of a sudden I no longer have the urge to call.
Two newly recovering alcoholics in sober living. This should work out.
Anyway, she is his problem now.
In some ways her having someone else does make things a little easier.
Every time I start to get a little weak and think about contacting her I say to myself screw that, she is not sitting by the phone waiting for my call. She has a new man.
All of a sudden I no longer have the urge to call.
Two newly recovering alcoholics in sober living. This should work out.
Anyway, she is his problem now.
Iceberg Ahead!
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Out at Sea
Posts: 1,177
Her relapse (as well as her new man's) has already begun. Substitute addiction, pure and simple. Alcohol (BUD - building up to drink, if not already) or some other drug is right around the corner. Maybe even an overdose. Just a matter of time until they slack off their recovery programs. And if only one should fight alcoholism/addiction, that'll cause a rift and lying. Hope they're not stupid enough in early recovery, as some have been, to consider having a baby, or actually bearing a child! 
If I were a betting man, that's where I would put my money.
If I were a betting man, that's where I would put my money.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 63
I can't offer advise but I can relate! I'm two weeks in to my living nightmare & am just barely starting to see the light more & more often of "What am I missing"? And then like you & everyone here, I have this long list of toxic behavior & if I made a list of all the love I was given in the marriage I'd have to really stare at that blank page for a long time & I could maybe come up with 3-4 things?
Yeah, despite our/my pain I kinda consider myself the lucky one. I can move on & find joy, my AH will not. :/
Yeah, despite our/my pain I kinda consider myself the lucky one. I can move on & find joy, my AH will not. :/
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 122
One of my friends called me and asked "what is going on?"
I knew you and your girlfriend were taking a little break while she was in rehab. And now sober living.
I'm asking because she just posted on Facebook that she is in a new relationship.
Oh my days just keep getting better and better.
Did I originally post that I was missing her?
I knew you and your girlfriend were taking a little break while she was in rehab. And now sober living.
I'm asking because she just posted on Facebook that she is in a new relationship.
Oh my days just keep getting better and better.
Did I originally post that I was missing her?
Iceberg Ahead!
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Out at Sea
Posts: 1,177
Why do they feel the need, in early recovery, to flaunt it on Facebook???
Wasn't being there for the A through the ups and downs of rehab/sober living enough already???
Wasn't enduring the ear-splitting pressure of the depth of her addictions painful enough???
Wasn't being there for the A through the ups and downs of rehab/sober living enough already???
Wasn't enduring the ear-splitting pressure of the depth of her addictions painful enough???
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: state of confusion
Posts: 67
Originally Posted by soexhausted 
One of my friends called me and asked "what is going on?"
I knew you and your girlfriend were taking a little break while she was in rehab. And now sober living.
I'm asking because she just posted on Facebook that she is in a new relationship.
Oh my days just keep getting better and better.
Did I originally post that I was missing her?
I knew you and your girlfriend were taking a little break while she was in rehab. And now sober living.
I'm asking because she just posted on Facebook that she is in a new relationship.
Oh my days just keep getting better and better.
Did I originally post that I was missing her?
I am in my infancy in Al Anon, no contact etc. When I was at the depth of dispair from axbf relapse 3 days after out of rehab ( dozens of letters , hundreds of promises from rehab that this was IT!!) I disabled my FB, best thing ever. I found it was just making things so much worse, keeping me from focusing on my codie-ness and my move toward recovery. Give it a try my friend, you can always go back if it does not help you.
I understand your pain.
Free
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,423
Soexhausted I'm sorry you are struggling.
I too am trying to find myself & stop missing EXABY.
Some days I go from happy to sad to angry & then around again.
I no it hurts, why wouldn't it?
We did the best we could for them, we made a choice we wanted more out of the relationship than they had to offer & then it hurt real bad when they were gone.
It's really cruel but taking each hour at a time & accepting it is okay for us to grieve & not feel normal at mo, knowing we are good people who tried to help & couldn't may build us a brighter a future.
Bigs hugs to you.
I too am trying to find myself & stop missing EXABY.
Some days I go from happy to sad to angry & then around again.
I no it hurts, why wouldn't it?
We did the best we could for them, we made a choice we wanted more out of the relationship than they had to offer & then it hurt real bad when they were gone.
It's really cruel but taking each hour at a time & accepting it is okay for us to grieve & not feel normal at mo, knowing we are good people who tried to help & couldn't may build us a brighter a future.
Bigs hugs to you.
Iceberg Ahead!
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Out at Sea
Posts: 1,177
Their actions leave us with the choice to "put away our painful recollections of the past" (or not) and "our frightening worries about the future" (or not). Paraphrasing today's One Day at a Time in Al-Anon reading. We can let them spoil our today or not. We can make our day, the present moment, ours - or not. We can let this day slip through our fingers or deliberately change our attitude so as to enjoy it.
All the best to you.
All the best to you.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 329
Perfect words and feelings....I share those same feelings as if I wrote them! I went thru the same thing. It's hard to understand why in the world anyone in their right mind would miss anyone that put you threw hell. I am so very very ashamed to say....over and over and over! Someone my XABF met in rehab while I catered and paid for it! Then I allowed him to go back and forth between us ( the other A women from rehab) for 3 miserable years bc I missed him and thought Each time would be different. Nope and trust me....stupid stupid! However, they get their own horrible hell! Omg what a total disaster for everyone but really bad for two active A....they will be active. Hang in there and try to remember how much easier life is bc you deserve so much better.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 1,334
Even though I have been divorced from my XAH for 5 years I know I will be emotional during the holidays. I have to remember though how quickly my life would become unmanagable AGAIN if I let him back into my life. I have to remember the way it was- not how I wanted it to be. I have to remember the reality of it. My family doc said living with an alcoholic is like having a red racecar but there is no engine in it.
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