pep

I am going through the process of divorce from my husband who is addicted to heroin. I have worked through most of my feelings of hurt and anger towards the things he did to me. The problem I am having is forgiving him for the things he did to my children. How do I work through that? I try to think of ways to feel forgiveness but when I think how it has affected my boys lives and emotional development... all I feel is anger. I can't change the past and I know that. I know what I want to do to support my boys through the coming years. I don't want to hold on to this anger but somehow I don't feel strong enough to forgive him for these things. How did others forgive their addict for things they did to hurt their loved ones? I feel lost in this.

Perhaps it will change over time? It has been about three years since I found out he was an addict after several stressful and bewildering years feeling like I might be the one going crazy.

Any insights or experiences are greatly appreciated.

outtolunch

Learn to forgive yourself and the rest will follow.

catlovermi

Sometimes the process of forgiveness, like grief, takes time. Our responsibility is to supply the willingness to go through the process.

CLMI

sojourner

It helped me to immerse myself in parenting advice such as in books, speakers, etc.. I especially concentrated on the topics that involved raising kids in a home with only one parent. Looking back hundreds of years ago, it was common for kids to lose a parent - usually to death - but still, it was only one parent. So this generation is not new in that respect. For some reason, thinking about that helped me. Those books and speakers really focus on the fact that having one parent who loves them is huge. I also came to realize that my having chosen to raise my kids outside of daily active addiction was huge.

Having said that, their father's lack of fathering was creating a void in their lives; and I had (and sometimes still have) tons of negative feelings toward him about that. But it is just that looking at success stories helped me to be more optimistic myself. We mama bears just want to scratch anybody to death who hurts our kids - intentional or not!

What has helped is that my kids are adults now. They struggle, and I see that. But everybody has something they struggle over. Pretty much they are not in chains because their father was (and continues to be) an idiot.

Hang in there. You never fully forgive. There will always be days when you are in the park and see some father playing with his little child and have a grieving mama heart for what your own kids missed. That's life.

pep

Thanks for the replies so far. It's nice to be able to hear ideas from people who may have had similar experiences. I am trying to focus on the positive steps I am taking to improve life for the boys but there is that little shadow of anger lurking sometimes. I feel angry about how he put his children at risk. I feel angry that he stole from them and made them feel insecure about their home being safe. I feel angry about his spending money on himself before worrying if their needs were met. I think I feel angry mostly because I didn't clue into what was actually happening before it could affect them.

Perhaps it is true then I need to learn to forgive myself for letting it happen. I can't help but feel I should've figured it out sooner. So am I angry at him or angry at myself? I do feel so very stupid in hindsight. So I shall focus on what I can do now because I cannot change the past. I hope to one day forgive but I know I will never forget.

lightseeker

I honestly believe that it's ok to feel anger. I have a lot of anger at my ex husband but I'm using that to contribute to fueling my efforts to be a healthy person that has moved on.

Some days I do better than others. I left my ex 18 months ago and much of my anger has dissipated. Or I thought that it had. Today, something new came up and I feel incredibly angry at him. I thought that I was mostly done - but I'm not.

It's normal to feel anger - and I agree, that all you really have to do is be willing to begin the process. I'm learning not to fight my feelings nor beat myself up for having them. I wish that I had gotten a lot madder a lot longer ago.....I probably could have/would have saved myself a lot of heart break (and more and more anger). So...anger can be a good thing when it's something that you process and use it to learn and grow. A lot of my anger towards my ex has actually turned out to be anger that I've actually been feeling towards myself for getting myself into the situation in the first place. I'm really angry that I made a lot of the choices that I did.

I'm glad that you posted this - I think that I am going to return to step one - I'm powerless over this anger and it makes my life unmanageable. I believe that I have a higher power that is capable of restoring me to sanity. So....now it's time to turn it over....

Katiekate

The only thing that has helped me in this reguard is to develope a healthy compassion for those suffering from the disease. Not to accept the behavior , but to see the actions and the words as symtoms of the disease.

At some level, the disease takes over, our loved ones are consumed. It does not excuse the behavior.

The other half of that was having compassion for myself around my co dependency, my allowing myself to be harmed for far to long. I had a lot of anger towards myself that I was putting on him, I was not without fault.

Your awareness of your childrens suffering and your desire to see them to health is such a wonderful focus. They are so lucky to have you.

story74

I have asked the same question. It is really hard. I do believe you have to let yourself feel. I do believe it takes time. Slowly, I have accepted my situation. I read somewhere that when you begin to understand why they did what they did you have more sympathy of why they are who they are. So, there becomes understanding. For example, my xah came from a alcholic family. A mother who enabled and was very stressed out dealing with an alcholic husband, financials and raising 3 kids. They were taught to not deal with their emotions. I know for a fact that my x never dealt with his emottions. So, I understand. I don't agree with what my x has done. I don't trust him. I don't like him. Sometimes I'm angry. But, I try to understand. I am not making excuses for him. I am not saying what he has done and is doing is ok. We have no relationship. I want nothing to do with him. The anger is subsiding. I am slowy letting it go and moving on...without him. I will never be friends or have any sort of relationship with him until he cleans up and becomes responsible. If he ever started to do the right thing and show any true remorse, then I might be able to forgive him. Really forgive him. But now, I have to just understand he is out of control and I must understand and move on.

supportforme

Pep - My divorce was finalized earlier this week. I struggle with these feelings often. I agree that the hardest thing for me is working on forgiving myself for not doing something sooner. What I try to do is instead of focusing on how angry or disappointed I am at him, I turn the focus on what I can do with my boys that would make them feel better. I realized that the path I took is what I need to get here. Now, I need to accept the fact that my boys have me and I work hard on being the best me I can. The feelings of anger and hatred for what he took away from my boys still surface; but I am getting better at redirecting my energy to something that I can change - Me. Good Luck - I know exactly what you're going through.

crazybabie

I agree I believe once we start forgiving us then things fall in place I am like Katie was I have so much anger at myself and I take it out on him which I must stop and start remembering that I did the best I could at the time and move from there.

pep

Today I was dropping my 4 year old round his grandparents to have supervised visit with his dad. We waited 40 minutes after was arranged for him to arrive in a stinking mood. Instead of resenting the situation I decided to refocus my thoughts and avoid rising to the angry mood he seemed to wish us all to be in with him. I was thankful for my loving in-laws who had made me a cup of tea while I waited and were cooking sunday lunch. I was thankful for the joy they bring to my son whenever he visits and the conversation about everyday life they have with me. I am thankful that they open their home and hearts to us so that my son doesn't have to go to a centre to visit and I don't have to spend too much time with his father. My husband may have been miserable and out of order but he didn't ruin the overall atmosphere his parents give of love and care. I am thankful for my supportive family.

I think it helped me to distance myself from him and look at the bigger picture. I know he was trying to manipulate us and I know why. His behaviour was still wrong but in the grand scheme of things it doesn't matter if I don't let it. No matter what he does or says it will never detract from the love given by the rest of the family. Not really sure if this has anything to do with forgiveness but I think working on my anger might be a start?

crazybabie

Sounds like a great start to me you didn't react thus anger didn't eat you alive

oooopps

time & distance.

Rosiepetal

Try just accepting yourself. accept that you have these feelings & it is part of healing, accept that you can't change the past, accept that you are building a brighter future.
Be kind to yourself.
Hugs to you.

sojourner

Yes Pep!! That's the ticket! - your story at your in-laws is a glorious success - for you, for your children, for the grandparents, and believe it or not, for your children's father.

It is the essence of detachment. Could you be like that if you lived with your estranged spouse? Could you do that 24/7 with no breaks from that kind of aura that the estranged spouse brings? I say no. For one thing, if you tried that when he lived in your home, he would just up the ante (not bring home the paycheck, stay gone for a week, etc.) in order to get a rise out of you and be the center of attention. There are plenty of others (mostly wives) who says they can and intend to try it (so their children do not have to live in a divorced home, because they intend to honor their marriage vows, or for a variety of other reasons). But I personally think that one cannot live 24/7with active addiction without becoming irritable and unreasonable without knowing it.

Anyway, off my soapbox and onto yours - great job!