BodkinVanHorn

Hi. My XABF still lives here with me and our daughter.
He refuses to honor my boundary of no drinking in the house.
I feel bad asking him to leave as he has no job. And has had no job since spring/fall 2011. He never takes any responsibility for getting fired from any of the jobs he has gotten fired from as a direct result of his drinking.
Yesterday he got a letter telling him his unemployment is up next week. So I wake up in the middle of the night and...He's gone. After he was fussing about how he just paid the cable (the only thing he has paid and that only recently and it is in his name, I pay rent, car ins, electric, gas) and his cell phone bill and how sad he was about not having any free cash after buying tobacco (and I think angling to get some cash from me, but no dice). Gone. So then I couldn't sleep. I was wrangling with, later in the week, he's going to hit me up for cash to buy tobacco and he'll need money for parking, soooo he'll show up half lit after his tobacco trip (this happens EVERY TIME), soooo, I'm buying him booze. I don't even buy myself frigging booze, this whole situation makes me uncomfortable around it.
I can't trust him to get our daughter to school (he's not a morning peson *hungover*)so I take her with me to work and then take her to school in the am. I think his job search has petered out. I'm so frustrated. I think if he were living elsewhere at least it wouldn't be making me crazy here, you know? I don't hate him, I'm not even ANGRY at this point. He hasn't been horrid to me or abusive. Just an A. He has problems that go WAY THE HECK BACK and I feel bad for him. I just don't want his problems in my living room.

BUT...with that said, I can't save to put money aside for moving while every frigging cent is going directly to bills, school loans, rent.
I feel very hopeless. I know it's not hopeless. But I'm feeling very weak and stupid right now. Sorry to whine.

Taking5

Stop giving him money. Don't buy him anything. Not even food. You are already paying the bills. Don't give him anything. Zero. Take steps to have him evicted. Now please, not in a week, a month, or after the holidays.

dollydo

You buy him booze, but you do not want him drinking...does this really make any sense to you?

Ask him to leave, he can go to a shelter or move in with his mommy, if he doesn't leave on his own, evict him.

Nothing changes, if nothing changes, this is all up to you, not him.

Thepatman

Same as others. I know it hurts to hear, even from me, I'm an Alcholic myself, but I never asked anytone for money to pay for my booze when I was a drunk.

Drop him on his head, fast. Don't let him pull you under, he will...

Florence

I heard a phrase on here recently that I really like, "Let Go, or Be Dragged."

marie1960

Bodkin........... Change begins with YOU. If there is an aspect about your life that you do not like, only YOU can change it.

He is doing exactly what active alkies do. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting a different result.

You cannot help him, take your power back, and concentrate on making a healthy life for you and your child.

dandylion

Dear Bodkin, think about this from the angle of your daughter.

Fast forward about 20yrs. Is this the kind of boyfriend or husband that you wish for her? Right now, both of you are the most powerful role models for her.

It sounds like he still hangs around for the resources. Resources that should be going to the child and her mother.

All children that are raised in an alcoholic home are damaged by the experience. I know this sounds harsh---but it is a harsh reality.

I am just trying to give you some more food for thought.

dandylion

SparkleKitty

Not much to add except I am sorry you are feeling so frustrated. I agree with the other posters here though -- nothing changes if nothing changes. As long as he knows you won't back up your stated boundary, he'll probably keep trodding all over it. I think you and your girl deserve better in your own home.

Florence

We are allowed to end relationships for any reason at any time, especially if it's just not working for us. It sounds to me like you're doing an awful lot alone anyway. This was how it was for me during most of my AH's active time, too.

We are separated today. I am not angry with him -- my first, most overwhelming feeling is relief -- I just know for the first time how big this this is that he's dealing with, and that I can't help him. I have nothing but compassion. But I can't help him. Not my monkeys, not my circus.

lillamy

In other words, you set a boundary you don't want to enforce. So the boundary means nothing.

Sorry if that sounds harsh, but boundaries only work if we are willing to enforce them for ourselves.