Do they ever say I'm sorry? Ever an apology?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 27
Do they ever say I'm sorry? Ever an apology?
My AH or RAH (not sure yet) says he quit over a month ago. He has yet to apologize. Thats one reason why I don't believe he quit.
Do they ever apologize? Do they ever say I'm sorry for what I put you through? Does that happen? Or am I expecting a miracle here!?
He's never been one to really say sorry. But then again maybe he's been using longer then he says he has. But since he quit (so he says) he just doesn't want to talk about "this" (drug use). Its been discovered by me just recently and since then he said he quit. Would the lack of any sort of apology be a big flag for "he's lying about quiting"?
Thoughts please.
Thanks
Do they ever apologize? Do they ever say I'm sorry for what I put you through? Does that happen? Or am I expecting a miracle here!?
He's never been one to really say sorry. But then again maybe he's been using longer then he says he has. But since he quit (so he says) he just doesn't want to talk about "this" (drug use). Its been discovered by me just recently and since then he said he quit. Would the lack of any sort of apology be a big flag for "he's lying about quiting"?
Thoughts please.
Thanks
The sun still shines
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 472
Souper, unfortunately when they say they have quit rarely means they actually did. Especially since he doesn't want to talk about it.
I think they sometimes do apologise, but often even that is used as manipulation. How is he treating you otherwise?
I think they sometimes do apologise, but often even that is used as manipulation. How is he treating you otherwise?
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I found my son would tell me he quit when he really did, and he would tell me he quit when he really didn't.
I learned to read his actions and see if they backed the words.
Apology? Don't hold your breath. Sometimes they come and are sincere, sometimes they come and are manipulative. We aren't always sure which. Their actions become living apologies...or not...I learned to read his actions and see if they backed the words.
See how this works? Words mean nothing, actions tell it all.
Hugs
I learned to read his actions and see if they backed the words.
Apology? Don't hold your breath. Sometimes they come and are sincere, sometimes they come and are manipulative. We aren't always sure which. Their actions become living apologies...or not...I learned to read his actions and see if they backed the words.
See how this works? Words mean nothing, actions tell it all.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 598
Years ago I remarked to my sponsor that I was looking forward to an apology from my son. She told me not to hold my breath. My son at the time wasn't finished with his using drugs, he went on to become a heroin addict. If he had apologized when I made the comment he may have meant it, but that didn't mean he would never be in a worse place at some point in time. Now I'm watching what he is doing and he seems to be doing well. That's worth more than words to me.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Based on the back story you provided, he's been addicted to opiates/opioids and crack for a long long time and hid it from you. He threatened to leave you if you told his family. Makes perfect sense cause his mom knew and has probably heard all his lies before, too. Stealing pain meds from a terminally ill patient (his father) is nasty stuff. And yet, apparently it did not phase him.
The thing of it is that his addiction was never about you. He did not use drugs at you. It was never personal. Drugs rewired his brain to protect and sustain addiction at any cost, including deception and manipulation. Having said this, addiction excuses nothing.
Getting and staying clean and sober are two different things. Maybe he'll stay clean and sober and maybe he won't. Only thing certain here is if and when he picks up again, it's unlikely going to be obvious to you. His time on the road creates opportunity for him to live his life as he chooses as he has done all along.
You can can stay and accept him as is/where is or leave. It's the tween part where we stay and expect change and apologies that are unlikely to happen. We become a part of the problem and rationalize and make excuses for the addict. Our happiness becomes dependent on what someone else does or not. If things do not turn out as planned, we take it personally and it impacts our emotional stability and self esteem. We become as sick, if not sicker than the addict.
Know that being happy or being sick is a choice, your choice and the choice does not depend on him or his behaviors, way beyond your control.
The thing of it is that his addiction was never about you. He did not use drugs at you. It was never personal. Drugs rewired his brain to protect and sustain addiction at any cost, including deception and manipulation. Having said this, addiction excuses nothing.
Getting and staying clean and sober are two different things. Maybe he'll stay clean and sober and maybe he won't. Only thing certain here is if and when he picks up again, it's unlikely going to be obvious to you. His time on the road creates opportunity for him to live his life as he chooses as he has done all along.
You can can stay and accept him as is/where is or leave. It's the tween part where we stay and expect change and apologies that are unlikely to happen. We become a part of the problem and rationalize and make excuses for the addict. Our happiness becomes dependent on what someone else does or not. If things do not turn out as planned, we take it personally and it impacts our emotional stability and self esteem. We become as sick, if not sicker than the addict.
Know that being happy or being sick is a choice, your choice and the choice does not depend on him or his behaviors, way beyond your control.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Canada
Posts: 230
I get plenty of apologies. The only thing is that they aren't sincere in the slightest. They are pure manipulation. Yes, he claims he's sober. I know that is a lie. It just doesn't make any difference to me. At first I thought the apologies were honest and sincere, but the more I paid attention to his actions, it was clear that it was merely about self preservation.
After i kicked him out and made it clear that he was not allowed back into our home, He actually called and gave me a long apologetic speech. I thought that 'hey, he really sounds sorry.' Then he called back half an hour later to ask if he could get some meat out of the freezer! He wasn't sorry at all, he just wanted a freaking steak!
I would much rather see the apology in the form of him bettering his own life.
After i kicked him out and made it clear that he was not allowed back into our home, He actually called and gave me a long apologetic speech. I thought that 'hey, he really sounds sorry.' Then he called back half an hour later to ask if he could get some meat out of the freezer! He wasn't sorry at all, he just wanted a freaking steak!
I would much rather see the apology in the form of him bettering his own life.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 75
I get daily appologies. And they are all completely sincere. I have no doubt that he means them when he says them. He also means it every time he's come home from a binge and tries to convince me that THIS TIME was the last time and it will never happen again and he loves me more than life and he would do anything for me and he's going to make everything up to me, blah, blah, blah. Same thing every time.
Again, I know he means all of it, but his addiction keeps me from believing those feelings will last. I am pinning my hopes on his actions. I HOPE (huge emphasis on that word) that someday he will turn his life around and stay clean. I HOPE he can make it through alive. All I can do is HOPE. And, honestly, IF he can ever do that, that will be apology enough. My happiness is not/should not be contingent upon his apology to me.
I used to crave hearing an appology - because that would mean he was accepting the fact that HE had done this to me. Now I realize that I have chosen to stay in this relationship with him knowing he is an addict. I CHOSE this. He does not have to apologize for MY CHOICE to stay with him. Just my thoughts...
Again, I know he means all of it, but his addiction keeps me from believing those feelings will last. I am pinning my hopes on his actions. I HOPE (huge emphasis on that word) that someday he will turn his life around and stay clean. I HOPE he can make it through alive. All I can do is HOPE. And, honestly, IF he can ever do that, that will be apology enough. My happiness is not/should not be contingent upon his apology to me.
I used to crave hearing an appology - because that would mean he was accepting the fact that HE had done this to me. Now I realize that I have chosen to stay in this relationship with him knowing he is an addict. I CHOSE this. He does not have to apologize for MY CHOICE to stay with him. Just my thoughts...
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
Not to step on any toes - but what my tough sponsor asked me to think about instead of focusing on what I thought I deserved from my then AH - was to focus on my own recovery ~
So she asked me - How many sincere apologies had I shared? How many true amends had I made to the people around me that were hurt by how I was affected by the disease of alcoholism/addiction?
Sometimes she said "if you want grace, you give grace, if you want peace, you share peace, if you want forgiveness, you give forgiveness, you treat others how you want to be treated It may not work miracles right away, but in the meantime look at all the benefits you are giving yourself, you get to keep your side of the street clean."
Just my e, s, & h
PINK hugs,
Rita
So she asked me - How many sincere apologies had I shared? How many true amends had I made to the people around me that were hurt by how I was affected by the disease of alcoholism/addiction?
Sometimes she said "if you want grace, you give grace, if you want peace, you share peace, if you want forgiveness, you give forgiveness, you treat others how you want to be treated It may not work miracles right away, but in the meantime look at all the benefits you are giving yourself, you get to keep your side of the street clean."
Just my e, s, & h
PINK hugs,
Rita
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: MI
Posts: 452
My AS went through a brief period where he was actually trying to recover. During that period, he seemed to want to talk about addiction and recovery. He wanted to share what he was experiencing. During that time, I commented on how surprised I was that he wanted to talk about these things. He sure hadn't wanted to when he got out of rehab the first time. He said, "Of course I didn't want to talk about it then. I was using."
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
>>>>>Do they ever apologize? Do they ever say I'm sorry for what I put you through? Does that happen? Or am I expecting a miracle here!?<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
In my extremely limited experience (sample set=1)........the answer is "no".
(not sincere,anyway.....and only uttered when the next sentence relates to
money)
In my extremely limited experience (sample set=1)........the answer is "no".
(not sincere,anyway.....and only uttered when the next sentence relates to
money)
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
Ann wrote:
>>>>Their actions become living apologies...or not...I learned to read his actions and see if they backed the words.
See how this works? Words mean nothing, actions tell it all.<<<<<
================================================== ===
THAT says it all!
(Thanks,Ann!)
>>>>Their actions become living apologies...or not...I learned to read his actions and see if they backed the words.
See how this works? Words mean nothing, actions tell it all.<<<<<
================================================== ===
THAT says it all!
(Thanks,Ann!)
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by Vale 
Ann wrote:
>>>>Their actions become living apologies...or not...I learned to read his actions and see if they backed the words.
See how this works? Words mean nothing, actions tell it all.<<<<<
================================================== ===
THAT says it all!
(Thanks,Ann!)
>>>>Their actions become living apologies...or not...I learned to read his actions and see if they backed the words.
See how this works? Words mean nothing, actions tell it all.<<<<<
================================================== ===
THAT says it all!
(Thanks,Ann!)
being the alcoholic, i cant agree more. i have used the "im sorry" thing quite often. i have heard, "dam straight yer sorry" reply many times. i dont blame em.
i have used the " im gonna change" line quite often. i have heard " ill believe it when i see it" reply many times. i dont blame em.
it wasnt until i started putting in the footwork to change me that the poeple who didnt throw me out of their lives started believing i was serious about recovery, and it took a long time for some of them to believe i was serious.
the amends were not( and still arent) about saying im sorry. it was to point out where i had been wrong and what i was doing( or did) to correct it.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 2,684
My husband awaits being paid back the rest of the money our son owes and (I believe) apologies for events in the past. OTOH, my son awaits an apology from his dad for "screwing up his life." I've pretty much crossed off on my list of things that will happen in my lifetime the possibility of either guy taking action and making amends. And, so, our lives go on. If anything, at least for now, our home life is relatively peaceful and everyone goes about their business without much drama.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Maryland
Posts: 72
You read my mind souper! I have thought about this often as it relates to my AB. After all the heartache and craziness that his addiction has caused my family, I would think that he would want to apologize. However, having read all these responses I am beginning to think that I need to let go of the hope of ever hearing "I'm sorry," and instead see his actions as an unspoken "I'm sorry." Thank you for asking a question that I am sure many of us have.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
I'm going to chime in as another RA. I said "I'm sorry" a lot of times. It wasn't until my actions spoke so loud, my family didn't NEED to hear "I'm sorry" that they actually believed me. Actions always speak way louder than words.
Since I'm also in recovery for codependency, my family is used to hearing "don't tell me, show me"
Just my 2 cents.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Since I'm also in recovery for codependency, my family is used to hearing "don't tell me, show me"
Just my 2 cents.Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
Originally Posted by Leise
You know I've reached a point in my recovery where the "I'm sorry" would mean nothing to me and I do not want it.
I think it's because I no longer miss the man I used to know. I realize now that the person I thought he was did not exist. That he was a figment of my imagination.
Here was my mistake: I thought everyone was like me - and that if I were him (an alcoholic / addict) that this is what I would want my significant other to do. So I did those things. I enabled.
That was really wrong.
Booze, pot and sex were the priorities to my XABF. I wasn't even in the top three.
Because I didn't understand that, I stuck around and tried to "help". And made myself sick in the process, because I COULD NOT help.
When I think about the time I went to get alcohol for him.... I don't know if I will ever forgive myself for that.
So no apology is wanted or needed from him .... truth is I have plenty of things I should probably apologize to myself for, and I do that by coming here and sharing what I went through.
We are all adults here. We all make mistakes, now he can go live his best life - and leave me out of the equation.
I think it's because I no longer miss the man I used to know. I realize now that the person I thought he was did not exist. That he was a figment of my imagination.
Here was my mistake: I thought everyone was like me - and that if I were him (an alcoholic / addict) that this is what I would want my significant other to do. So I did those things. I enabled.
That was really wrong.
Booze, pot and sex were the priorities to my XABF. I wasn't even in the top three.
Because I didn't understand that, I stuck around and tried to "help". And made myself sick in the process, because I COULD NOT help.
When I think about the time I went to get alcohol for him.... I don't know if I will ever forgive myself for that.
So no apology is wanted or needed from him .... truth is I have plenty of things I should probably apologize to myself for, and I do that by coming here and sharing what I went through.
We are all adults here. We all make mistakes, now he can go live his best life - and leave me out of the equation.
Wow! Powerful.......especially this part---that REALLY hit me between the eyes:
>>>I realize now that the person I thought he was did not exist. That he was a figment of my imagination.<<<<<<
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 528
Originally Posted by souper
My AH or RAH (not sure yet) says he quit over a month ago. He has yet to apologize. Thats one reason why I don't believe he quit.
Do they ever apologize? Do they ever say I'm sorry for what I put you through? Does that happen? Or am I expecting a miracle here!?
He's never been one to really say sorry. But then again maybe he's been using longer then he says he has. But since he quit (so he says) he just doesn't want to talk about "this" (drug use). Its been discovered by me just recently and since then he said he quit. Would the lack of any sort of apology be a big flag for "he's lying about quiting"?
Thoughts please.
Thanks
Do they ever apologize? Do they ever say I'm sorry for what I put you through? Does that happen? Or am I expecting a miracle here!?
He's never been one to really say sorry. But then again maybe he's been using longer then he says he has. But since he quit (so he says) he just doesn't want to talk about "this" (drug use). Its been discovered by me just recently and since then he said he quit. Would the lack of any sort of apology be a big flag for "he's lying about quiting"?
Thoughts please.
Thanks
Second, self realization and facing fully what he did may take longer than a month.
Third, my STBXAH only apologized when he was manipulating me to either come back to him or get his way in something, usually to get money. Now that he realizes I am not coming back or paying for anything regarding his life, he never apologizes for anything.
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