When does it get easier?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Raleigh, NC
Posts: 4
When does it get easier?
Well, a little about me. I left rehab a few weeks ago. I didn't want to go, I went for my boyfriend, and I left the program before completing it (again, because my boyfriend wanted me to.) While I was there I did the whole "first step" process, writing down and contemplating how much drinking had harmed me, my life, and my loved ones. It was an eye opening experience, and I know that drinking was ruining me. I had gotten to the point where I was drinking before work to take the edge off, and getting drunk off my *** as soon as I got home. Like many others, I find myself with no money and no job references, despite having a college degree, because I was not a good employee when I was drinking. I'm very very fortunate that my boyfriend is around to pay my bills while I'm out of work, and I know things could be a lot worse.
I now have 38 days sober. It's the longest I've gone without a drink, by several weeks, in the past 5 years. (I'm 25 now.)
Despite all that... I miss drinking terribly. Drinking was my best friend for those five years. It was the thing around which all my friendships and social activities were built. It picked me up when I was down, it took me out of my head when I got too serious, it was the great equalizer that made me feel okay around other people. Quite simply, alcohol was the quickest way to make me feel great. Although I can objectively say that alcohol was killing me and ruining my future, the feeling of being drunk was wonderful and liberating at the time.
So now I must ask: when does it get easier? I've been told that people usually are feeling wonderful and healthier and happier once the alcohol clears their system. I really don't. I'm tired all the time, I'm mentally foggy, and I'm constantly pissed off that I can't go out and have a drink like a normal person. At this point I still can't even go into a full service restaurant, because I spend the entire meal sullenly staring at the bar and wishing I could have a drink. So I avoid bars and restaurants; truth be told, I really try not to leave the house by myself at all, except for therapy sessions. The temptation is still too strong. I've always hated any argument that includes the phrase "it's just not fair," but at this point I'm still absolutely stuck in the childish anger of "it's not fair that I'm an alcoholic and I can't even drink one single drink, I hate this!" And sometimes I'm overwhelmed with resentment towards my boyfriend for sending me to rehab, saving me from drinking myself to death, and dragging me kicking and screaming into sobriety. I'm staying sober for him, not for me.
I know a lot of this is because I'm depressed, and that's something I'm working on with my therapist. I continue to tell myself "just for today" because sometimes, the idea that I maybe could drink again in the future is the only thing that keeps me from grabbing a bottle and downing it. I just keep trying to remember that if I work on my depression, and try to keep a positive attitude, I will eventually be grateful for my sobriety and want to keep working at it. Right now, though, I'm just worn out from it. I recently moved, so I don't have any friends nearby. Anyone that I do know here works at--surprise, surprise-- a bar. I've thought about going to AA to find people, but I don't care for AA and feel really uncomfortable going to meetings. I feel so incredibly isolated, I guess that's why I'm reaching out here.
If anyone made it through all that, thanks for your time. I really just needed to put that all out there, because I don't want to put it on my boyfriend and I don't think anyone else could understand. If anyone has any pointers, I'd sure appreciate it!
I now have 38 days sober. It's the longest I've gone without a drink, by several weeks, in the past 5 years. (I'm 25 now.)
Despite all that... I miss drinking terribly. Drinking was my best friend for those five years. It was the thing around which all my friendships and social activities were built. It picked me up when I was down, it took me out of my head when I got too serious, it was the great equalizer that made me feel okay around other people. Quite simply, alcohol was the quickest way to make me feel great. Although I can objectively say that alcohol was killing me and ruining my future, the feeling of being drunk was wonderful and liberating at the time.
So now I must ask: when does it get easier? I've been told that people usually are feeling wonderful and healthier and happier once the alcohol clears their system. I really don't. I'm tired all the time, I'm mentally foggy, and I'm constantly pissed off that I can't go out and have a drink like a normal person. At this point I still can't even go into a full service restaurant, because I spend the entire meal sullenly staring at the bar and wishing I could have a drink. So I avoid bars and restaurants; truth be told, I really try not to leave the house by myself at all, except for therapy sessions. The temptation is still too strong. I've always hated any argument that includes the phrase "it's just not fair," but at this point I'm still absolutely stuck in the childish anger of "it's not fair that I'm an alcoholic and I can't even drink one single drink, I hate this!" And sometimes I'm overwhelmed with resentment towards my boyfriend for sending me to rehab, saving me from drinking myself to death, and dragging me kicking and screaming into sobriety. I'm staying sober for him, not for me.
I know a lot of this is because I'm depressed, and that's something I'm working on with my therapist. I continue to tell myself "just for today" because sometimes, the idea that I maybe could drink again in the future is the only thing that keeps me from grabbing a bottle and downing it. I just keep trying to remember that if I work on my depression, and try to keep a positive attitude, I will eventually be grateful for my sobriety and want to keep working at it. Right now, though, I'm just worn out from it. I recently moved, so I don't have any friends nearby. Anyone that I do know here works at--surprise, surprise-- a bar. I've thought about going to AA to find people, but I don't care for AA and feel really uncomfortable going to meetings. I feel so incredibly isolated, I guess that's why I'm reaching out here.
If anyone made it through all that, thanks for your time. I really just needed to put that all out there, because I don't want to put it on my boyfriend and I don't think anyone else could understand. If anyone has any pointers, I'd sure appreciate it!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Cleveland, OH
Posts: 1,191
Boy can I relate. Alcohol was always the only solution I had. It was the only thing that made me feel right. Made my skin fit.
For me and for many other alcoholics like me, things didnt just get better in a matter of time. Take alcohol out of the picture and I am still left with the inability to live a sober life and be content doing so. I needed to take action to treat the real problem.
My answer was AA. It is not just a way to stop drinking, but a way of life that really works. I can honestly say I am a happy, useful, sober person thanks to the program. I know the uncomfortable feeling of which you are speaking. I was diagnosed with Social anxiety disorder. Going to an AA meeting the first few times was tough, but the pay off is more than worth the temporary discomfort. Turns out my social anxiety was just one of the many symptoms of my untreated alcoholism.
It seems most alcoholics find it necessary to step out of their comfort zone in order to recover. I hope you find the answers you are looking for. Best wishes to you.
For me and for many other alcoholics like me, things didnt just get better in a matter of time. Take alcohol out of the picture and I am still left with the inability to live a sober life and be content doing so. I needed to take action to treat the real problem.
My answer was AA. It is not just a way to stop drinking, but a way of life that really works. I can honestly say I am a happy, useful, sober person thanks to the program. I know the uncomfortable feeling of which you are speaking. I was diagnosed with Social anxiety disorder. Going to an AA meeting the first few times was tough, but the pay off is more than worth the temporary discomfort. Turns out my social anxiety was just one of the many symptoms of my untreated alcoholism.
It seems most alcoholics find it necessary to step out of their comfort zone in order to recover. I hope you find the answers you are looking for. Best wishes to you.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,569
Welcome to SR. I hope joining us will help you feel less alone - we all understand how you're feeling.
I was the same - I loved the way alcohol made me feel in the beginning. I didn't think the day would come where it would be the enemy - the thing that was sucking the life out of me. I waited many more years than you - I was in my 50's - to finally admit I was completely dependent on it to live. In the end I wasn't making a move without it.
I felt anger and self-pity when I first got sober. I was sorry for myself whenever I went out anywhere. The party was going on without me, and I was bitter. Your 4th paragraph describes how I was feeling too, those first few months. Despite those feelings early on, it did get better - and easier. I stopped obsessing over what I couldn't do anymore, how I was missing out, and I did eventually stop saying "It's just not fair." What you're feeling is completely normal, but there is life after alcohol - a beautiful one. I hope that comforts you a little.
Keep talking to us - we care, and we understand.
I was the same - I loved the way alcohol made me feel in the beginning. I didn't think the day would come where it would be the enemy - the thing that was sucking the life out of me. I waited many more years than you - I was in my 50's - to finally admit I was completely dependent on it to live. In the end I wasn't making a move without it.
I felt anger and self-pity when I first got sober. I was sorry for myself whenever I went out anywhere. The party was going on without me, and I was bitter. Your 4th paragraph describes how I was feeling too, those first few months. Despite those feelings early on, it did get better - and easier. I stopped obsessing over what I couldn't do anymore, how I was missing out, and I did eventually stop saying "It's just not fair." What you're feeling is completely normal, but there is life after alcohol - a beautiful one. I hope that comforts you a little.
Keep talking to us - we care, and we understand.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,509
Welcome and congratulations on 38 days sober!
I have to say it's a red flag to me that you went to rehab for your boyfriend and then that you left the program early because of your boyfriend. Recovery is hard work and you need to really want it for yourself. I hope you decide that you want to commit to sobriety for yourself.
I stayed away from alcohol and people drinking for many months. It was probably 5 -6 months into my recovery before I felt comfortable being around alcohol. So, don't despair, it will get easier.
You say that you're depressed. If your depression is a result of drinking, then it will likely lift in the weeks to come. If you're like me and the depression was present long before the drinking, then you might want to talk to your dr about it.
I have to say it's a red flag to me that you went to rehab for your boyfriend and then that you left the program early because of your boyfriend. Recovery is hard work and you need to really want it for yourself. I hope you decide that you want to commit to sobriety for yourself.
I stayed away from alcohol and people drinking for many months. It was probably 5 -6 months into my recovery before I felt comfortable being around alcohol. So, don't despair, it will get easier.
You say that you're depressed. If your depression is a result of drinking, then it will likely lift in the weeks to come. If you're like me and the depression was present long before the drinking, then you might want to talk to your dr about it.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: UK
Posts: 1,068
Can totally relate to how your feeling, it's almost like a death in the family, horible.
I had always dismissed AA in the past but it's been brilliant for me and finally I feel happy and content being sober.
Willpower alone was miserable for me, AA and SR for me now.
I had always dismissed AA in the past but it's been brilliant for me and finally I feel happy and content being sober.
Willpower alone was miserable for me, AA and SR for me now.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: AZ
Posts: 183
Hey there - I'm with ya. Just moved to my mom's to help her out about 3 months ago and know a few people, but still feeling pretty lonely and homesick. Stopped drinking for 2 weeks, relapsed, and now am back at it again. AND, I too suffer from depression. Am on antidepressants but am kicking and screaming through letting go of the "joy juice." I'm someone who adores live music and it's tough to go out w/o drinking (I've been able to drink water instead, or don't go out if I feel too vulnerable). But I like quick fixes, and this process apparently takes time....
Just letting you know you're not alone, and there are some amazingly helpful people on this site that have saved my butt psychologically many times. Hang tough, GF, and know you've got me behind ya
Just letting you know you're not alone, and there are some amazingly helpful people on this site that have saved my butt psychologically many times. Hang tough, GF, and know you've got me behind ya
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
All i want to add is that you are VERY fortunate to realize you have a problem NOW, rather than 20 years down the road....you have seen the destruction that booze has caused financially and in your job/career.
Do you really want to be a 35 or 45 year old blowsey drunk? because it will happen before you even know it. Booze steals your looks, passion, happiness and eventually ALL your relationships.
38 days is amazing and HUGE. be proud of yourself and try to see what you can do instead of crawling back inside a bottle.
Do you really want to be a 35 or 45 year old blowsey drunk? because it will happen before you even know it. Booze steals your looks, passion, happiness and eventually ALL your relationships.
38 days is amazing and HUGE. be proud of yourself and try to see what you can do instead of crawling back inside a bottle.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: London, England
Posts: 724
First, congrats on 38 days. You've got through (some of) the worst times.
When does it get easier? That's a good question. I'm at three months. Or twenty days depending on what we're counting. I've managed to get to nearly thirty days without codeine before, and it has been better than it is now.
Like you, I quit, not because I wanted to, but because I felt I had to for my fiance. And there are times when I wish I was on my own so that I could go back to using again. Or else get something a bit more convenient than codeine.
And I moved to London at the end of August. I knew nobody (apart from my fiance) when I arrived. Since then, I've met a few people, well, quite a few, but I'm still finding my feet.
I find AA helpful, although it's taken a while to relax since I moved as the style of meeting is different in London from the ones in Derbyshire. NA, on the other hand, I find a little... intimidating. For all that it 'doesn't matter what you used', there are a few people who feel the need to tell everyone. Ah well, that's their stuff to deal with, not mine.
But I know one thing. It does get better. How do I know that? Because if it didn't, I wouldn't see people with five years sobriety. If it didn't get better, nobody would ever quit and stay quit. So I'm not going to give up.
When does it get easier? That's a good question. I'm at three months. Or twenty days depending on what we're counting. I've managed to get to nearly thirty days without codeine before, and it has been better than it is now.
Like you, I quit, not because I wanted to, but because I felt I had to for my fiance. And there are times when I wish I was on my own so that I could go back to using again. Or else get something a bit more convenient than codeine.
And I moved to London at the end of August. I knew nobody (apart from my fiance) when I arrived. Since then, I've met a few people, well, quite a few, but I'm still finding my feet.
I find AA helpful, although it's taken a while to relax since I moved as the style of meeting is different in London from the ones in Derbyshire. NA, on the other hand, I find a little... intimidating. For all that it 'doesn't matter what you used', there are a few people who feel the need to tell everyone. Ah well, that's their stuff to deal with, not mine.
But I know one thing. It does get better. How do I know that? Because if it didn't, I wouldn't see people with five years sobriety. If it didn't get better, nobody would ever quit and stay quit. So I'm not going to give up.
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,967
Step one; knowing & accepting I can't drink.
It just gets different. KNOW you can't drink and there's nothing to miss except heartache and lots of pain. What you are feeling now is going to change. Stay strong and stay stopped! The first year can be a rollercoaster of a ride, so hold on and ride it. It will eventually even out. do another 38 days... then another, and another. A program of recovery can come in handy for you! What's your life plan? What are your goals? The world is opening up to you and you will be able to accomplish anything now!
Keep moving forward!!
It just gets different. KNOW you can't drink and there's nothing to miss except heartache and lots of pain. What you are feeling now is going to change. Stay strong and stay stopped! The first year can be a rollercoaster of a ride, so hold on and ride it. It will eventually even out. do another 38 days... then another, and another. A program of recovery can come in handy for you! What's your life plan? What are your goals? The world is opening up to you and you will be able to accomplish anything now!
Keep moving forward!!
Re-Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Colorado Springs, Colorado
Posts: 7,583
If I said you won't feel better for six months would you say that is too long and use that as an excuse to drink? Three months? Two months??
You will feel better as you go, for some it takes a month, others a few weeks, but for most it is from two to six months before they can really see they can make it, and feel terrific. It is different for each. We all have different reasons we quit, and used different support systems. But one of the things that kept me going to now is that I made a commitment to myself not to die from drinking, the slow suicide. See, I am not suicidal, but it will kill you eventually. Don't give up the work you have put in so far. Stay sober for a year and then decide. A year can be done. If I could, anybody can.
You will feel better as you go, for some it takes a month, others a few weeks, but for most it is from two to six months before they can really see they can make it, and feel terrific. It is different for each. We all have different reasons we quit, and used different support systems. But one of the things that kept me going to now is that I made a commitment to myself not to die from drinking, the slow suicide. See, I am not suicidal, but it will kill you eventually. Don't give up the work you have put in so far. Stay sober for a year and then decide. A year can be done. If I could, anybody can.
Clear Eyes Full Heart
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,272
You have a great start so far-keep going!! It's normal to feel foggy, your brain is healing and there are physical changes you're dealing with. You can't do this for your boyfriend, although maybe that was a good motivation to start. You can only do it for yourself and you have to want to stop. Health, career, mental well being, there are tons of reasons why quitting can help you in life. I'm guessing the boyfriend won't be around for the long haul if you go back to your drinking lifestyle so hang on to him and give yourself a gift as well
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 67
I can totally relate. But as choublak just mentioned, drinking will definitely make this worse. As relieving as a drink seems to you now, it's like a really bad debt -- you'll have to pay it, and the interest on it is like 200%!
I'm sorry you're feeling so down, depression sucks! Hang in there though, once things start clearing up you'll be really grateful you stayed sober all this time.
I'm sorry you're feeling so down, depression sucks! Hang in there though, once things start clearing up you'll be really grateful you stayed sober all this time.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: New York
Posts: 186
Originally Posted by MalkavianEmily 
First, congrats on 38 days. You've got through (some of) the worst times.
When does it get easier? That's a good question. I'm at three months. Or twenty days depending on what we're counting. I've managed to get to nearly thirty days without codeine before, and it has been better than it is now.
Like you, I quit, not because I wanted to, but because I felt I had to for my fiance. And there are times when I wish I was on my own so that I could go back to using again. Or else get something a bit more convenient than codeine.
And I moved to London at the end of August. I knew nobody (apart from my fiance) when I arrived. Since then, I've met a few people, well, quite a few, but I'm still finding my feet.
I find AA helpful, although it's taken a while to relax since I moved as the style of meeting is different in London from the ones in Derbyshire. NA, on the other hand, I find a little... intimidating. For all that it 'doesn't matter what you used', there are a few people who feel the need to tell everyone. Ah well, that's their stuff to deal with, not mine.
But I know one thing. It does get better. How do I know that? Because if it didn't, I wouldn't see people with five years sobriety. If it didn't get better, nobody would ever quit and stay quit. So I'm not going to give up.
When does it get easier? That's a good question. I'm at three months. Or twenty days depending on what we're counting. I've managed to get to nearly thirty days without codeine before, and it has been better than it is now.
Like you, I quit, not because I wanted to, but because I felt I had to for my fiance. And there are times when I wish I was on my own so that I could go back to using again. Or else get something a bit more convenient than codeine.
And I moved to London at the end of August. I knew nobody (apart from my fiance) when I arrived. Since then, I've met a few people, well, quite a few, but I'm still finding my feet.
I find AA helpful, although it's taken a while to relax since I moved as the style of meeting is different in London from the ones in Derbyshire. NA, on the other hand, I find a little... intimidating. For all that it 'doesn't matter what you used', there are a few people who feel the need to tell everyone. Ah well, that's their stuff to deal with, not mine.
But I know one thing. It does get better. How do I know that? Because if it didn't, I wouldn't see people with five years sobriety. If it didn't get better, nobody would ever quit and stay quit. So I'm not going to give up.
Self recovered Self discovered
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Toronto Canada
Posts: 5,148
Yep, if life wasn't better sober, I would have gone back to drinking 15 months ago. It was a miserable existence then, and I am glad that I finally decided to demand more, dammit. Life simply had to be better that what it was, and I deserved to have a full and complete life with at least my share of beauty and joy.
You too can have that life you know you deserve, as5184a, you really can. It is all up to you. You can get started anytime on this new life, you know, and now is the perfect time to do it. Keep posting, OK?
You too can have that life you know you deserve, as5184a, you really can. It is all up to you. You can get started anytime on this new life, you know, and now is the perfect time to do it. Keep posting, OK?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: California
Posts: 13,044
38 days is something to be really proud of, you are lucky to have a boyfriend who loves and cares about you. It is great that he helped you get on the road to sobriety, but I will echo what a few others have said you need to want to do it for you.
This is an amazing website. You will find support and encouragement. I find myself checking in once or twice during the day to see now everyone is doing, I also spend quite a bit of time here in the evenings after exercise and kid duties (homework, hugs, baths)
Stick close, keep posting and reading!!!
This is an amazing website. You will find support and encouragement. I find myself checking in once or twice during the day to see now everyone is doing, I also spend quite a bit of time here in the evenings after exercise and kid duties (homework, hugs, baths)
Stick close, keep posting and reading!!!
Crazy Cat Lady
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 2,661
i held on to my old life for a while and it led to some anger on my part. i felt like my alcoholism and my new sobriety left me an outsider looking in on the world. going out was difficult because i had to watch people drink and think "why them? why not me? why am i broken? it's not fair." what's helped me is to shift my thinking. i haven't had sobriety forced on me as some kind of punishment. my alcoholism doesn't make me a bad or broken person. it's my lifestyle now. vegetarians don't bemoan the fact that they don't eat steak so i'm not going to bemoan the fact that i don't drink. i've left that behind. alcohol didn't make me witty or funny or bring out my social side. it lowered my inhibitions in ways i couldn't control but it didn't bestow any positive qualities on me. those were mine to begin with. i just have to concentrate now on bringing them out on my own. sure it takes a little more work but i can control myself now. a large part of my shift of thinking came from me being tired of being mad. what's the point of sobriety if it just pissed you off all the time? so this was my solution. i had to own my sobriety. i still get a little pissy from time to time (especially now when all the fall brews come out) but it's easier to brush those feelings off now that i accept that the decision is mine and i get to live with the consequences, good and bad. i think about what my sobriety has done, is doing and will do for me. where was i before all this? is trying the new pumpkin spiced whatever brew worth risking my happiness? worth risking my choice? worth changing my lifestyle? no. it's really not. is carrying around a grudge with my alcoholism going to change anything? can i will myself into not being an alcoholic? nope. i can't. so i let it go. it was hard but i had to learn to let that go and start learning to be happy with everything i do have. it takes time and i'm not always going to be totally happy with living the sober lifestyle but these are the cards i've been dealt so this is what i'm going to live with and i'm going to live this life to the fullest.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 5,937
I think the big problem is that booze is a jealous lover. It's not content to be part of your life, it wants to BE your life. Our affairs with the Demon progressively become so consuming that booze does become our only real hobby- everything we do while drunk is incidental to being drunk. The problem when we quit drinking is that we have to figure out what to do with those ten or twelve hours per day that used to be occupied by alcohol.
For me the answer has been to slowly rediscover the things I used to do before drinking became the only thing I did. It's been a slow process but I'm starting to rediscover myself again.
For me the answer has been to slowly rediscover the things I used to do before drinking became the only thing I did. It's been a slow process but I'm starting to rediscover myself again.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Raleigh, NC
Posts: 4
Thanks so much everyone for the support! It really did help me just to put that all out there, I think; just being able to say what I'm feeling without having to apologize or defend it helps a lot. Really, it has gotten a lot easier from the first few days and weeks, but I've always been super impatient and it's hard for me to accept that life doesn't always move on my schedule. After I wrote yesterday I got lost in some trivia games, gave the apartment a deep clean, and took a nice long hot shower. Distracting myself helped a lot! I do appreciate everyone's thoughts and advice, I've seen some ways of thinking that I'd never really considered before and I'm going to use them when I start getting overwhelmed.
I guess the bottom line is, today is a better day than yesterday, and if I keep at this, tomorrow could be better than today! Thanks again, y'all are great!
I guess the bottom line is, today is a better day than yesterday, and if I keep at this, tomorrow could be better than today! Thanks again, y'all are great!
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