I guess I should have known...
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 63
I guess I should have known...
First I'll start off with I did go to my first Al-Anon meeting yesterday. They may be helpful, IDK. I'll keep going & see how I feel.
Okay... I put myself back at square one of pain...
Monday I was missing my AH so bad, very bad day. That night I got an email from him saying he had got the rest of his stuff out of storage & had put the ipod cord on my door handle as he knew I needed it. This was very upsetting to me. I have not once been allowed to see him, get answers. He can't even knock on the door to hand me a cord he's that afraid of seeing me?!?
I was on chat with his sister when I got the email & she told be I should try to find him. I then talked to my best friend & she too told me if she were me she would march her butt upstairs & make him SEE me & talk to me.
So I did...
Wow, we had a wonderful talk! He said he was afraid to see me because of what had happened. He told me he loved me with all his heart & he really wanted to be married to me, loved having me in his life & wanted our marriage to work. Reminded me that it was his (and mine) first & last marriage & it was till death do us part. I couldn't have been happier. He said he would shower & come down.
He came down & it was a wonderful evening full of love. When he left about midnight he asked if he could take me on a date the next day (yesterday) & would spend the night as a step one of rebuilding. I of course said yes with all my heart.
He never came & he never took my call. Drinking won again.
I sent him an email trying to reach the man I love hidden under addiction. I let him know I understood it wasn't him that hurt me it was the addiction. I let him know how worried his family & I are about the drinking & that I was so worried about the deep hole he's falling in. Told him I would stand by him & that it was my choice to do so & I did it out of love. Asked him to stop for a moment & look in to his heart & make sure he could live with throwing our love away & that I feared if he did throw it away he would look back with so much regret that he'd never recover (which is true).
I told him I would embrace him with open arms, no guilt or fighting about what happened as I understand... but he had to reach out & knows where to find me.
I saw he read the email at 1AM today. I was hoping he wouldn't see it until he was sober today but I know him, he will re-read it.
I do hope he HEARS me but I also know him, he wont reach out. He can't. He's well on his way to rock bottom & is filled with shame & self hate. I had to try to reach HIM. As much as I know it's a failed attempt & he wont save himself or our marriage because of drinking I am a kind person with a warm heart & I am in love with my husband. If this is all ending I have to know for myself that I did everything I could & that I was kind & loving to the end.
I can't do anything more for him & for the last two weeks I have been filled with overwhelming stress & emotional pain. I don't eat, very little sleep & cry all the time. I also have been trying to focus, worry about ME, worry about rent & a job. Worry about my healing from this & doing things I enjoy. I feel like two different people. On the outside everyone is so proud of how I am being strong, focusing on what's important for me to survive, understanding it's the addiction & surprised at how loving I am towards him. On the inside- I am dead.
I come from a back ground that was not a happy one. I could have EASILY slide in to any form of addiction. I am so happy that I was strong & smart & wanted better for myself. I have never seen addiction up close before & how it destroys a person. My heart breaks that he is in that role & regardless of me being in the picture or not- I so hope someday, before it's too late or he's dead that he wakes up and ends this misery the drinking is causing him.
I know he loves me & our marriage but I have to accept he, for now, loves drinking more.
I can't put in to words how devastated I feel right now...
Okay... I put myself back at square one of pain...
Monday I was missing my AH so bad, very bad day. That night I got an email from him saying he had got the rest of his stuff out of storage & had put the ipod cord on my door handle as he knew I needed it. This was very upsetting to me. I have not once been allowed to see him, get answers. He can't even knock on the door to hand me a cord he's that afraid of seeing me?!?
I was on chat with his sister when I got the email & she told be I should try to find him. I then talked to my best friend & she too told me if she were me she would march her butt upstairs & make him SEE me & talk to me.
So I did...
Wow, we had a wonderful talk! He said he was afraid to see me because of what had happened. He told me he loved me with all his heart & he really wanted to be married to me, loved having me in his life & wanted our marriage to work. Reminded me that it was his (and mine) first & last marriage & it was till death do us part. I couldn't have been happier. He said he would shower & come down.
He came down & it was a wonderful evening full of love. When he left about midnight he asked if he could take me on a date the next day (yesterday) & would spend the night as a step one of rebuilding. I of course said yes with all my heart.
He never came & he never took my call. Drinking won again.
I sent him an email trying to reach the man I love hidden under addiction. I let him know I understood it wasn't him that hurt me it was the addiction. I let him know how worried his family & I are about the drinking & that I was so worried about the deep hole he's falling in. Told him I would stand by him & that it was my choice to do so & I did it out of love. Asked him to stop for a moment & look in to his heart & make sure he could live with throwing our love away & that I feared if he did throw it away he would look back with so much regret that he'd never recover (which is true).
I told him I would embrace him with open arms, no guilt or fighting about what happened as I understand... but he had to reach out & knows where to find me.
I saw he read the email at 1AM today. I was hoping he wouldn't see it until he was sober today but I know him, he will re-read it.
I do hope he HEARS me but I also know him, he wont reach out. He can't. He's well on his way to rock bottom & is filled with shame & self hate. I had to try to reach HIM. As much as I know it's a failed attempt & he wont save himself or our marriage because of drinking I am a kind person with a warm heart & I am in love with my husband. If this is all ending I have to know for myself that I did everything I could & that I was kind & loving to the end.
I can't do anything more for him & for the last two weeks I have been filled with overwhelming stress & emotional pain. I don't eat, very little sleep & cry all the time. I also have been trying to focus, worry about ME, worry about rent & a job. Worry about my healing from this & doing things I enjoy. I feel like two different people. On the outside everyone is so proud of how I am being strong, focusing on what's important for me to survive, understanding it's the addiction & surprised at how loving I am towards him. On the inside- I am dead.
I come from a back ground that was not a happy one. I could have EASILY slide in to any form of addiction. I am so happy that I was strong & smart & wanted better for myself. I have never seen addiction up close before & how it destroys a person. My heart breaks that he is in that role & regardless of me being in the picture or not- I so hope someday, before it's too late or he's dead that he wakes up and ends this misery the drinking is causing him.
I know he loves me & our marriage but I have to accept he, for now, loves drinking more.
I can't put in to words how devastated I feel right now...
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Rainiee, you don't have to put your devastation into words, so many of us have been there and know what you are going through. I hope you know we're here and we care, and we want to listen. I'm so sorry for how badly you are hurting.
In my experience, dealing with an addiction is never simple, straightforward, or logical. I don't think anyone gets to a better place in a straight line. The only step you can take is the next one; be good to yourself when you choose where it takes you.
You have a great deal of sympathy for him and his choices. I hope you treat yourself with the same generosity and understanding. Take care of yourself.
In my experience, dealing with an addiction is never simple, straightforward, or logical. I don't think anyone gets to a better place in a straight line. The only step you can take is the next one; be good to yourself when you choose where it takes you.
You have a great deal of sympathy for him and his choices. I hope you treat yourself with the same generosity and understanding. Take care of yourself.
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 63
Originally Posted by SparkleKitty 
You have a great deal of sympathy for him and his choices. I hope you treat yourself with the same generosity and understanding. Take care of yourself.
I wish, just for one moment... he could see what the rest of us do. He is destroying his life & throwing away everything he has (not just me). Maybe some day he will... maybe he wont. All I can do is hold that thought in my heart that he doesn't get worse & if he does, he finds the strength to pull himself out.
The sad thing is I do know somewhere in his head he's aware of what he's throwing away & desperately doesn't want it but is helpless to stop himself right now. It doesn't matter to him the price he has to pay in order to feed the addiction because the addiction is stronger than reason & logic.
I am trying to take care of myself & am doing a good job every way other than emotionally but that too with time will heal. It just is out of my grasp right now.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 378
Oh my God, I've been there. SO there.
When my husband hit the bottom years ago, I left him and at the lowest point I said to him - this will be the hardest fight of your life. But if you don't fight, you will die. I love you, I'll always love you. Please love yourself and get help.
He did.
I just don't think that people who haven't gone through this understand the horrific pain that we feel, those who are watching our loved one die. It's watching a slow suicide and they are being devoured by a monster. It's the most heartbreaking thing I've ever been through in my life. And it not only destroys them.
People wanted me to get MAD. Mad? Why? He's dying, this disease is killing him and for whatever reason - he's unable to fight it. I can go on and have a healthy, happy life. Can he? Not yet. Did he want to die? No. Never. Terrified of dying. And yet, drink after drink he was inviting death in. Watching that, watching a beautiful man losing his soul - is a nightmare.
I know.
And the only advice I have - is to love him enough to love yourself more. Get healthy yourself. I had a time learning this one at first - tough love in this case is real love. We help them when we require them to rise up, not when we sink with them.
When my husband hit the bottom years ago, I left him and at the lowest point I said to him - this will be the hardest fight of your life. But if you don't fight, you will die. I love you, I'll always love you. Please love yourself and get help.
He did.
I just don't think that people who haven't gone through this understand the horrific pain that we feel, those who are watching our loved one die. It's watching a slow suicide and they are being devoured by a monster. It's the most heartbreaking thing I've ever been through in my life. And it not only destroys them.
People wanted me to get MAD. Mad? Why? He's dying, this disease is killing him and for whatever reason - he's unable to fight it. I can go on and have a healthy, happy life. Can he? Not yet. Did he want to die? No. Never. Terrified of dying. And yet, drink after drink he was inviting death in. Watching that, watching a beautiful man losing his soul - is a nightmare.
I know.
And the only advice I have - is to love him enough to love yourself more. Get healthy yourself. I had a time learning this one at first - tough love in this case is real love. We help them when we require them to rise up, not when we sink with them.
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 63
Originally Posted by WishingWell
And the only advice I have - is to love him enough to love yourself more. Get healthy yourself. I had a time learning this one at first - tough love in this case is real love. We help them when we require them to rise up, not when we sink with them.
I of course have a broken heart over the loss of our love right now (maybe always?) but my biggest heart ache is knowing he's killing himself... slowly... day by day... losing all that is good & healthy in his life and no one can stop him.
Mad? I can't even imagine being mad it's all so full of pain. I almost wish I could feel mad but that's not an appropriate emotion for me, for this situation. Thankfully my friends have been SO supportive. Lots have told me their stories of dealing with an alcoholic & can relate to the lack of understanding & pain I feel & let me vent about my pain as often as I need to. As much as I'd like to punch the person in the mouth who originally said "Time heals all wounds"... it is very true & I look forward to not being wrapped in it.
"I am a kind, loving, compassionate person with a strong sense of self & survival. I can do this"
(That's my mantra these days. It's true & I keep reminding myself of that when I feel the deep despair.)
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: New England
Posts: 350
Originally Posted by WishingWell
I just don't think that people who haven't gone through this understand the horrific pain that we feel, those who are watching our loved one die. It's watching a slow suicide and they are being devoured by a monster. It's the most heartbreaking thing I've ever been through in my life. And it not only destroys them.
People wanted me to get MAD. Mad? Why?
People wanted me to get MAD. Mad? Why?
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: SAN FRANCISCO
Posts: 1,176
Hi,
I'm sorry, don't know what to say but I have been there. I got sick of the stress and the emotional pain myself and when it got too much for me to take, I had to get out. I already have anxiety and I was making myself a mess worrying about him and his problems. But was he worried about me? I honestly don't think so. I guess the very definition of codependency is making yourself sick over someone else's issues.
You can beg, cry, get angry, get sad, ignore it, throw a fit, in the end it never seemed like what I did mattered. The bottom line was I felt unloved and would always take a back seat in his life to a bottle.
I hope you find some peace through all of this. I went to go see my therapist this morning and he asked me if I wanted a relationship where the other person was angry and drinking all the time, going out to bars to cope with his problems. The answer was no, and so of course this is not the relationship for me. It has taken me a very long time to come to terms with all of this. You don't want to desert them or start all over again yourself but sometimes things really just need to end for a reason.
I hope you find some peace too -- It does hurt.
I'm sorry, don't know what to say but I have been there. I got sick of the stress and the emotional pain myself and when it got too much for me to take, I had to get out. I already have anxiety and I was making myself a mess worrying about him and his problems. But was he worried about me? I honestly don't think so. I guess the very definition of codependency is making yourself sick over someone else's issues.
You can beg, cry, get angry, get sad, ignore it, throw a fit, in the end it never seemed like what I did mattered. The bottom line was I felt unloved and would always take a back seat in his life to a bottle.
I hope you find some peace through all of this. I went to go see my therapist this morning and he asked me if I wanted a relationship where the other person was angry and drinking all the time, going out to bars to cope with his problems. The answer was no, and so of course this is not the relationship for me. It has taken me a very long time to come to terms with all of this. You don't want to desert them or start all over again yourself but sometimes things really just need to end for a reason.
I hope you find some peace too -- It does hurt.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 63
Originally Posted by ZiggyB
Hi,
I'm sorry, don't know what to say but I have been there. I got sick of the stress and the emotional pain myself and when it got too much for me to take, I had to get out. I already have anxiety and I was making myself a mess worrying about him and his problems. But was he worried about me? I honestly don't think so. I guess the very definition of codependency is making yourself sick over someone else's issues.
You can beg, cry, get angry, get sad, ignore it, throw a fit, in the end it never seemed like what I did mattered. The bottom line was I felt unloved and would always take a back seat in his life to a bottle.
I hope you find some peace through all of this. I went to go see my therapist this morning and he asked me if I wanted a relationship where the other person was angry and drinking all the time, going out to bars to cope with his problems. The answer was no, and so of course this is not the relationship for me. It has taken me a very long time to come to terms with all of this. You don't want to desert them or start all over again yourself but sometimes things really just need to end for a reason.
I hope you find some peace too -- It does hurt.
I'm sorry, don't know what to say but I have been there. I got sick of the stress and the emotional pain myself and when it got too much for me to take, I had to get out. I already have anxiety and I was making myself a mess worrying about him and his problems. But was he worried about me? I honestly don't think so. I guess the very definition of codependency is making yourself sick over someone else's issues.
You can beg, cry, get angry, get sad, ignore it, throw a fit, in the end it never seemed like what I did mattered. The bottom line was I felt unloved and would always take a back seat in his life to a bottle.
I hope you find some peace through all of this. I went to go see my therapist this morning and he asked me if I wanted a relationship where the other person was angry and drinking all the time, going out to bars to cope with his problems. The answer was no, and so of course this is not the relationship for me. It has taken me a very long time to come to terms with all of this. You don't want to desert them or start all over again yourself but sometimes things really just need to end for a reason.
I hope you find some peace too -- It does hurt.
Thank you for this post!
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: SAN FRANCISCO
Posts: 1,176
Originally Posted by rainiee
You know what? I can totally picture myself saying these exact words to someone else here in the future...
Thank you for this post!
Thank you for this post!
Honestly I am not exactly "over it", but that's why I made the decision to go to therapy to figure it out, honestly I think it is helping. Dealing with the loneliness is not so easy either, dating is a chore at my age (I'm 44) but my stress levels are way down, I don't miss getting yelled at all the time or feeling anxious about which bar he is at and then walking on eggshells to figure out what kind of mood he's in later. Eh, I'm certainly better off.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Out at Sea
Posts: 1,177
It is so heart-breaking. All you have to do is start telling your story and we know how much the heart suffers. And the heart feels rejected whether, in our case, it is:
- simply the bottle that the alcoholic is consumed with;
- what the bottle does to his or her emotional capabilities, us and our relationship; or
- just a person, who happens to drink, using the alcohol or sobriety as the selfish means by which to leave another in wreckage.
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 63
Sigh...
Last night I felt pretty okay emotionally. Was able to have a couple of conversations with friends about the nightmare of my life & felt empowered- fresh eyed- fed up & looking forward to my future. Today I feel pretty craptastic.
AH never did contact me back yesterday. I knew he wouldn't so at least it wasn't a surprise.
I have sent him an email this morning. Not to ask him to come home, not to talk about this drama but because I have two VERY important questions that I have to know the answer for: Is he doing the right thing & bringing me any money towards rent (left me owing partial rent this month that he spent on drinking- past due bills & November rent pretty much due & no income)? What is the status of our marriage so I know how to proceed?
I told him based on him just telling me how much he loved me & wanted to make our marriage work & then abandoning me again with no understanding of why (DRINKING!) all I can assume is I should now assume I am single with no hope for my marriage (really, how can I not think otherwise!). I asked him to please let me know if he was going to help me with rent for November (and I wouldn't ask for any thing else in the future) & to please communicate with me regarding does he want a divorce, does he want to rebuild, does he want to work out his demons & we will be together again with no divorce.
I told him that I deserved to know the fate of my marriage with a in person conversation but if he couldn't- email is my only recourse. I told him that regardless of the answer I will respect anything he says with out a fight as neither of us needs the stress as well as I can't force someone I love to love me back & I would let him go. Will I get an answer? I sure hope so. But for right this minute... I am single with no hopes of saving my marriage (SO TOTALLY LAME!!!) as that's all he's left me to feel & I need to not stress about it.
So... I had a guy from my past reach out to me out of the blue Sunday (who I haven't talked to at all & he had no idea I'd ever been married). I had met him online through mutual friends just before I met my AH. We had tried a couple times to meet but it always fell through. One night we did get to meet as we both attended a get together with our mutual friends & the chemistry/fireworks were out of control. However, he had started seeing someone a week prior so no opportunity was available to see where it might go. I have talked to him a couple times over the phone this last week. He is now single & wanted to know if I was interested in doing something with him. I said yes & we are hanging out today. There are a few reasons I said yes even though I feel like I'm cheating. Side note- I feel like I'm cheating because I'm married!!! However I also feel like it's over. AH has gone out of his way to leave our home, abandon me, give me false hope & then abandon me again. Am I ready to date? WHOA...no!!! If it wasn't this particular guy I never would have accepted (and I told him that). The reason I am meeting him with everything going on is the fact that I liked him & crave to FEEL like I'm with someone who is glad to be around me & wants to enjoy my company. I don't view this as a date. I am approaching this as hanging out with a new friend. Yes, he has been flirty (and it felt great! My AH never wanted sex, I was lucky if we did once a month- sometimes as long as 6 months between times) and is obviously still remembering the chemistry we had so I understand this COULD turn in to more than just a casual day with a friend & I am going to allow it if it feels right. Am I a horrible person? Part of me thinks so but then I remember everything I've been though in this marriage & everything going on & the fact that he is not in a position to love me so how can I have hope when he's given me none. I haven't felt wanted, needed, desirable or adored in a very long time & would love to feel any of those right now. I do understand that the chances of me feeling regret & shame are there too if anything happens but it's a price I'm willing to pay.
My best friend thinks it's great that I am meeting this person (she knows him too & knows how disappointed I was we met & he had just started a relationship) & is telling me I shouldn't feel guilty at all after everything that's happening.
I am worried that I will run in to my AH while with this guy as he is still living in this building. I have arranged to have him come over when I know my AH is at work & I can only hope when we get back we don't run in to him. However, I can't hide in fear & not try & move on. I sure hope it's this weekend they are moving. It will make everything so much less stressful. I feel like a sneak. My thought process isn't one of sneakiness though, more out of respect for his feelings as well as not making my friend uncomfortable.
Am I digging a hole? Kinda but I'm so sick of living my life for him when he doesn't give a rats a@@ about me.
I'd love to hear your thoughts...
Back to the main point... I feel craptastic about the situation of my marriage today & am welcoming this distraction. I am SO tired of the roller coaster of emotions. Sad- glad- pain- empowerment- sad... Wish my head would make up it's mind. Maybe once I know what the status of my marriage is for sure I will be able to pick an emotion? If he doesn't bother to tell me then I will already have my answer. If he does respond and it's something other than divorce... how will I know it's sincere. AAAAAAARRRRGGGGGG!!!!
Last night I felt pretty okay emotionally. Was able to have a couple of conversations with friends about the nightmare of my life & felt empowered- fresh eyed- fed up & looking forward to my future. Today I feel pretty craptastic.
AH never did contact me back yesterday. I knew he wouldn't so at least it wasn't a surprise.
I have sent him an email this morning. Not to ask him to come home, not to talk about this drama but because I have two VERY important questions that I have to know the answer for: Is he doing the right thing & bringing me any money towards rent (left me owing partial rent this month that he spent on drinking- past due bills & November rent pretty much due & no income)? What is the status of our marriage so I know how to proceed?
I told him based on him just telling me how much he loved me & wanted to make our marriage work & then abandoning me again with no understanding of why (DRINKING!) all I can assume is I should now assume I am single with no hope for my marriage (really, how can I not think otherwise!). I asked him to please let me know if he was going to help me with rent for November (and I wouldn't ask for any thing else in the future) & to please communicate with me regarding does he want a divorce, does he want to rebuild, does he want to work out his demons & we will be together again with no divorce.
I told him that I deserved to know the fate of my marriage with a in person conversation but if he couldn't- email is my only recourse. I told him that regardless of the answer I will respect anything he says with out a fight as neither of us needs the stress as well as I can't force someone I love to love me back & I would let him go. Will I get an answer? I sure hope so. But for right this minute... I am single with no hopes of saving my marriage (SO TOTALLY LAME!!!) as that's all he's left me to feel & I need to not stress about it.
So... I had a guy from my past reach out to me out of the blue Sunday (who I haven't talked to at all & he had no idea I'd ever been married). I had met him online through mutual friends just before I met my AH. We had tried a couple times to meet but it always fell through. One night we did get to meet as we both attended a get together with our mutual friends & the chemistry/fireworks were out of control. However, he had started seeing someone a week prior so no opportunity was available to see where it might go. I have talked to him a couple times over the phone this last week. He is now single & wanted to know if I was interested in doing something with him. I said yes & we are hanging out today. There are a few reasons I said yes even though I feel like I'm cheating. Side note- I feel like I'm cheating because I'm married!!! However I also feel like it's over. AH has gone out of his way to leave our home, abandon me, give me false hope & then abandon me again. Am I ready to date? WHOA...no!!! If it wasn't this particular guy I never would have accepted (and I told him that). The reason I am meeting him with everything going on is the fact that I liked him & crave to FEEL like I'm with someone who is glad to be around me & wants to enjoy my company. I don't view this as a date. I am approaching this as hanging out with a new friend. Yes, he has been flirty (and it felt great! My AH never wanted sex, I was lucky if we did once a month- sometimes as long as 6 months between times) and is obviously still remembering the chemistry we had so I understand this COULD turn in to more than just a casual day with a friend & I am going to allow it if it feels right. Am I a horrible person? Part of me thinks so but then I remember everything I've been though in this marriage & everything going on & the fact that he is not in a position to love me so how can I have hope when he's given me none. I haven't felt wanted, needed, desirable or adored in a very long time & would love to feel any of those right now. I do understand that the chances of me feeling regret & shame are there too if anything happens but it's a price I'm willing to pay.
My best friend thinks it's great that I am meeting this person (she knows him too & knows how disappointed I was we met & he had just started a relationship) & is telling me I shouldn't feel guilty at all after everything that's happening.
I am worried that I will run in to my AH while with this guy as he is still living in this building. I have arranged to have him come over when I know my AH is at work & I can only hope when we get back we don't run in to him. However, I can't hide in fear & not try & move on. I sure hope it's this weekend they are moving. It will make everything so much less stressful. I feel like a sneak. My thought process isn't one of sneakiness though, more out of respect for his feelings as well as not making my friend uncomfortable.
Am I digging a hole? Kinda but I'm so sick of living my life for him when he doesn't give a rats a@@ about me.
I'd love to hear your thoughts...
Back to the main point... I feel craptastic about the situation of my marriage today & am welcoming this distraction. I am SO tired of the roller coaster of emotions. Sad- glad- pain- empowerment- sad... Wish my head would make up it's mind. Maybe once I know what the status of my marriage is for sure I will be able to pick an emotion? If he doesn't bother to tell me then I will already have my answer. If he does respond and it's something other than divorce... how will I know it's sincere. AAAAAAARRRRGGGGGG!!!!
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
My dear rainee, I fear that you are preparing to jump from the frying pan into the fire.!!! This is the time to use your head--not your heart. Your heart is hanging in shreads right now--you can't trust it.I know there will be some wise posters, who care about you, who can give yu some guidence on this. I beg you to thoroughly consider what they have to say---with an open mind.
very sincerely, dandylion.
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Location: Out on a MTB trail somewhere
Posts: 202
Wow you sound like me minus the marriage when I'm all caught up in my Codie behavior. The pain will stop and you will have answers when you decide to make those answers for yourself. Your husband isn't giving you answers or I should say his no response is an answer. It's up to you to choose to accept that and then do what you need to do. I know what I would do, I would file for divorce or legal separation, I would make sure that it is documented somewhere that your under hardship and need financial assistance. I would then get out there and get myself a job even if it's a crappy one... As my parents used to always say to me it's much easier to find a job when you already have one. I would go no contact with your AH until such a time as he has become sober and has a recovery plan of action and is working that plan of action. I would stop emailing him and asking him if he is going to pay this or that and anything else. You've asked once and that's enough. This is just a guess but, I wouldn't be surprised if your AH is enjoying knowing your chasing afterhim he has you where he wants you stuck in this miserable disease. I would also get myself to Al-Anon and then turn everything and anything over to my higher power. I would reach out to those at meetings and ask them for contacts for affordable or probono lawyers and I would then take action. Forget what he is or isn't doing what are YOU going to do to get yourself better? He CAN'T take care of you right now so you gotta do it for yourself. How did you handle your life prior to him being in your life. Sorry if this comes across as harsh I don't mean it too. I hate seeing you so distressed over this. Please trust me in time you will feel peace again. Take care of yourself and I hope that you find recovery too :-)
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Out on a MTB trail somewhere
Posts: 202
I should ask the big question are you ready to stop feeling like crap and are you ready to stop living in chaos? If the answer is yes then start taking steps of action that have nothing to do with your AH. If the answer is no then keep doing what you are doing. Even when we start taking positive action for ourselves we will have bumps in the road and setbacks what is important is that we recognize them and then say what is the next right step in my path of recovery. (((hugs)))
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
I think it is super-easy to believe that this guy reappearing out of the blue is happening just when you think you need it most, but you may want to consider that it could end up being another emotional complication, both in the short- and long-term. You are moving at a mile a minute these days! It might not feel like that from the inside -- I know how the immediate aftermath of a break-up (and the ensuing rinse-repeat cycles...) can feel interminable, but in the big picture, you have JUST had an INCREDIBLY HUGE life change. You admit to feeling overwhelmed by your own emotions. This guy sounds tempting...but beware adding more fuel to an already raging fire of confusion.
Whatever you decide to do, I just hope you know that there is no right way to go through all this, and that if you do something that later feels like a mistake, you just gotta find a way to forgive yourself and move on. People are here for you. No one's judging. We've all been there.
Whatever you decide to do, I just hope you know that there is no right way to go through all this, and that if you do something that later feels like a mistake, you just gotta find a way to forgive yourself and move on. People are here for you. No one's judging. We've all been there.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 517
My ABF and I are struggling with our relationship currently. I cut him off financially (we are long distance right now) and he is a bit resentful towards me, but surviving just fine. I feel very emotionally neglected (although a large part is the codie screaming "how dare you be able to take care of yourself without me) and lonely (I just moved and haven't been able to make any friends here. I have caught myself wanting to get in touch with an old flame who I know would come visit in a heartbeat and who thinks I am the cat's meow. I would LOVE the butterflies and excitement and attention and it's hard to resist, but I have to. I would just get sucked into something ON TOP of what else I am dealing with and everything would get even more messy and confusing.
I totally feel you because I have totally been there/am there now to some extent. I have given in in the past and it was never worth the mess and the heartache afterwards...
I totally feel you because I have totally been there/am there now to some extent. I have given in in the past and it was never worth the mess and the heartache afterwards...
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Some of the worst decisions I ever made in my life were when I was extremely vulnerable, and was not yet willing to do the internal work on self necessary to make me whole and reasonably happy in my life.
I continued to turn to "distractions" as you are now, and what I did was continue the cycle of temporarily feeling better because of a man "rescued" me, and then the inevitable pain of that disastrous relationship, combined with all the pain/baggage of the prior relationship/s. It snowballed for 11 long miserable years.
For me, those temporary fixes were not worth the additional pain in the end.
I was a very slow learner. Perhaps that will be you too.
We don't change until we get sick and tired of being sick and tired, just like addicts/alcoholics (which I also qualify as being).
I have never regretted my decision on that very painful day in 1999 to make a firm commitment in my codependent recovery, and that included no men, no distractions.
Wow, what a rewarding journey it has been!
Sending you warm hugs of support on the cold Kansas winds today, dear.
PS. If you haven't read it, get your hands on a copy of "Women Who Love Too Much" by Robin Norwood. Used copies are cheap on Amazon!
I continued to turn to "distractions" as you are now, and what I did was continue the cycle of temporarily feeling better because of a man "rescued" me, and then the inevitable pain of that disastrous relationship, combined with all the pain/baggage of the prior relationship/s. It snowballed for 11 long miserable years.
For me, those temporary fixes were not worth the additional pain in the end.
I was a very slow learner. Perhaps that will be you too.
We don't change until we get sick and tired of being sick and tired, just like addicts/alcoholics (which I also qualify as being).
I have never regretted my decision on that very painful day in 1999 to make a firm commitment in my codependent recovery, and that included no men, no distractions.
Wow, what a rewarding journey it has been!
Sending you warm hugs of support on the cold Kansas winds today, dear.
PS. If you haven't read it, get your hands on a copy of "Women Who Love Too Much" by Robin Norwood. Used copies are cheap on Amazon!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 63
Originally Posted by MTBChick
Wow you sound like me minus the marriage when I'm all caught up in my Codie behavior. The pain will stop and you will have answers when you decide to make those answers for yourself. Your husband isn't giving you answers or I should say his no response is an answer. It's up to you to choose to accept that and then do what you need to do. I know what I would do, I would file for divorce or legal separation, I would make sure that it is documented somewhere that your under hardship and need financial assistance. I would then get out there and get myself a job even if it's a crappy one... As my parents used to always say to me it's much easier to find a job when you already have one. I would go no contact with your AH until such a time as he has become sober and has a recovery plan of action and is working that plan of action. I would stop emailing him and asking him if he is going to pay this or that and anything else. You've asked once and that's enough. This is just a guess but, I wouldn't be surprised if your AH is enjoying knowing your chasing afterhim he has you where he wants you stuck in this miserable disease. I would also get myself to Al-Anon and then turn everything and anything over to my higher power. I would reach out to those at meetings and ask them for contacts for affordable or probono lawyers and I would then take action. Forget what he is or isn't doing what are YOU going to do to get yourself better? He CAN'T take care of you right now so you gotta do it for yourself. How did you handle your life prior to him being in your life. Sorry if this comes across as harsh I don't mean it too. I hate seeing you so distressed over this. Please trust me in time you will feel peace again. Take care of yourself and I hope that you find recovery too :-)
I am job hunting & going to interviews.
I am going to Al-Anon meetings.
I am no longer chasing after him. I have my answers to most things & at this point just need him to confirm a few things. If he doesn't- well than I already have my answer & no need for any more contact.
As for Mister Tempting- I in no way shape or for will start a relationship with him. It's just about having a fun day with someone who hasn't brought me drama. If it's flirty- fine but it's not a relationship & he is well aware of what is going on in my life. I don't fool people.
Sorry if I gave the wrong impression... sometimes written words lose true meaning.
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