Finally the truth
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Finally the truth
Hi all its been a couple weeks since I have posted if you have read my threads you are aware that I have been dealing with suspected relapse with AH.
The past couple of weeks have been really tough. He has been an a**h*** to live with. I haven't seen any evidence of drinking during this time since I confronted him about it two weeks ago (and he denied)
We came to my family beach house on Sunday after a big fight he picked and said he wasn't coming with me. I was delighted he wasn't coming then he changed his mind. Our first night here he was not feeling well and having anxiety attacks. In the back of my mind I wondered is this because he doesn't have anything to drink? Is it about alcohol? Then yesterday morning we got up early to head out for a day of fishing. AH said we needed more ice and he was running to the marina - but there was a bag upstairs so I said he didn't need to. Then he decided we needed a block of ice. Then I knew.......he went to the marina which is a 1 minute drive from the house. An hour and 15 minutes later I called and he was on his way back and I could tell he was drunk. He got here and was so clearly intoxicated and reeked. I said very calmly "you have been drinking" deny deny deny. It was ridiculous, he didn't have balance, glassy eyed, slurring and still stuck by his story.
Much later while out fishing he kept asking me if I could tell he had been acting weird for a while.....that he was sorry he knew he had been difficult. then he blurted out "you were right I was drinking this morning". Out came the whole story or rather the portions of the story he felt like telling. Its been going on for nearly a year. A YEAR!!! My first indication was May, then not again until the last 2 months or so.
While I am very relieved that he told me unfortunately it wasn't to tell me he had relapsed and needed help, rather to tell me that he has conquered alcoholism. To rationalize the mass of lies this was an experiment to see whether or not he can drink. He has proven he can, it has not made him sick (he has chronic pancreatitis from alcoholism), and this time he is in control of it rather than it controlling him. Circumstances are so different he says - I am not an alcoholic - his last long term relationship was with an alcoholic.
He also believes he no longer has pancreatitis. In chronic cases like his the enzyme count which goes extraordinarily high in acute cases does not when they have the disease for a long time. He has rationalized that because his enzyme numbers are normal that means he is cured. We have had 3 hospitalizations this year with pancreatitis flare ups last one in August. I said if you don't have it then what do you have that we have to go to the hospital for - he says, he doesn't know, could just be stomach issues.
Last night when we went to pick up groceries he stopped at the liquor store. he bought a huge bottle of vodka. And last night I watched him drink alcohol for the first time ever. I felt like somebody died.
He doesn't have my support I told him this. I found there is no argument, for anything that I said he countered it with an explanation - it was the most illogical conversation I have ever had. When I asked him not to drink around me his response this is my vacation and I will do what I want CHILL OUT!!
So here I am. I do have some more clarity. I have 5 days left of my vacation and I will be damned if he is ruining them. Not sure what happens next. I only know its not going to be good.
The past couple of weeks have been really tough. He has been an a**h*** to live with. I haven't seen any evidence of drinking during this time since I confronted him about it two weeks ago (and he denied)
We came to my family beach house on Sunday after a big fight he picked and said he wasn't coming with me. I was delighted he wasn't coming then he changed his mind. Our first night here he was not feeling well and having anxiety attacks. In the back of my mind I wondered is this because he doesn't have anything to drink? Is it about alcohol? Then yesterday morning we got up early to head out for a day of fishing. AH said we needed more ice and he was running to the marina - but there was a bag upstairs so I said he didn't need to. Then he decided we needed a block of ice. Then I knew.......he went to the marina which is a 1 minute drive from the house. An hour and 15 minutes later I called and he was on his way back and I could tell he was drunk. He got here and was so clearly intoxicated and reeked. I said very calmly "you have been drinking" deny deny deny. It was ridiculous, he didn't have balance, glassy eyed, slurring and still stuck by his story.
Much later while out fishing he kept asking me if I could tell he had been acting weird for a while.....that he was sorry he knew he had been difficult. then he blurted out "you were right I was drinking this morning". Out came the whole story or rather the portions of the story he felt like telling. Its been going on for nearly a year. A YEAR!!! My first indication was May, then not again until the last 2 months or so.
While I am very relieved that he told me unfortunately it wasn't to tell me he had relapsed and needed help, rather to tell me that he has conquered alcoholism. To rationalize the mass of lies this was an experiment to see whether or not he can drink. He has proven he can, it has not made him sick (he has chronic pancreatitis from alcoholism), and this time he is in control of it rather than it controlling him. Circumstances are so different he says - I am not an alcoholic - his last long term relationship was with an alcoholic.
He also believes he no longer has pancreatitis. In chronic cases like his the enzyme count which goes extraordinarily high in acute cases does not when they have the disease for a long time. He has rationalized that because his enzyme numbers are normal that means he is cured. We have had 3 hospitalizations this year with pancreatitis flare ups last one in August. I said if you don't have it then what do you have that we have to go to the hospital for - he says, he doesn't know, could just be stomach issues.
Last night when we went to pick up groceries he stopped at the liquor store. he bought a huge bottle of vodka. And last night I watched him drink alcohol for the first time ever. I felt like somebody died.
He doesn't have my support I told him this. I found there is no argument, for anything that I said he countered it with an explanation - it was the most illogical conversation I have ever had. When I asked him not to drink around me his response this is my vacation and I will do what I want CHILL OUT!!
So here I am. I do have some more clarity. I have 5 days left of my vacation and I will be damned if he is ruining them. Not sure what happens next. I only know its not going to be good.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Hey Red, I'm so sorry you are going through this. I imagine that while you are relieved to have your suspicions confirmed outright, the admissions and crazyness are not one whit easier to hear.
I hope you get to relax on your own vacation, even if it looks different than you hoped. And while you don't seem optimistic about what happens when you get back, at least you know exactly what you are dealing with and exactly what you can expect if you decide to stay.
I hope you get to relax on your own vacation, even if it looks different than you hoped. And while you don't seem optimistic about what happens when you get back, at least you know exactly what you are dealing with and exactly what you can expect if you decide to stay.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Thanks Sparkle. With every moment of relief of knowing the truth is also the constant question WHY. why why why why why. Why ruin it all. Why ruin a great relationship, why ruin all the hard work improving his health. Why ruin the relationship with his family. Why cause me more stress, Why strain his already damaged body. Why.
10 years sober. Down the tubes. Why.
10 years sober. Down the tubes. Why.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
Why - because it is the sad truth of addiction.
Many positive vibes going out to you.
I don't really have any shares but one small suggestion - do not let the question of why (or all the other questions we have) create fog. It is easy to disappear into the fog when the reality is so harsh but it is in your own best intersest to remain in the harsh light of reality - always.
Many positive vibes going out to you.
I don't really have any shares but one small suggestion - do not let the question of why (or all the other questions we have) create fog. It is easy to disappear into the fog when the reality is so harsh but it is in your own best intersest to remain in the harsh light of reality - always.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,349
Originally Posted by redatlanta 
Thanks Sparkle. With every moment of relief of knowing the truth is also the constant question WHY. why why why why why. Why ruin it all. Why ruin a great relationship, why ruin all the hard work improving his health. Why ruin the relationship with his family. Why cause me more stress, Why strain his already damaged body. Why.
10 years sober. Down the tubes. Why.
10 years sober. Down the tubes. Why.
The answer to your question is: Because he's an alcoholic and that's what they do. Don't expect anything differently from them no matter how long they've been sober(dry, in my A's case). The disease is always there, just dormant and waiting for the next opportunity to pounce. That's how I see it and it pisses me off yet makes me sad at the same time. Sorry for being a downer, I'm just in a bad place today.
I hope you enjoy the rest of your vacation regardless of what he does/doesn't do. You deserve it! HUGS!
Programmaddict
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: God's Hands
Posts: 217
Originally Posted by redatlanta
Not sure what happens next. I only know its not going to be good.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
ugh, I am so sorry Redatlanta -
Was your husband working a recovery program? IMO, addiction is just that powerful and an addict, be it drugs or alcohol, must stay vigilant at all times.
There is an interesting thread here....What lies did your disease try and tell you today? I have heard speakers who have over 30 years clean that still must quiet their addiction in their heads.
If he was able to hide it from you that long, think of the power the lies/addiction were telling him. My husband hid his addiction from me for a long time and the lies he told himself were surreal. Even when he first starting working a program, the lies continued. He thought "see, I am not as bad as him or her."
Addiction is just that powerful. The brain is forever changed and it has a way of protecting and sustaining the addiction.
Very sad!!
Was your husband working a recovery program? IMO, addiction is just that powerful and an addict, be it drugs or alcohol, must stay vigilant at all times.
There is an interesting thread here....What lies did your disease try and tell you today? I have heard speakers who have over 30 years clean that still must quiet their addiction in their heads.
If he was able to hide it from you that long, think of the power the lies/addiction were telling him. My husband hid his addiction from me for a long time and the lies he told himself were surreal. Even when he first starting working a program, the lies continued. He thought "see, I am not as bad as him or her."
Addiction is just that powerful. The brain is forever changed and it has a way of protecting and sustaining the addiction.
Very sad!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Lovemenot - No he has not been working a program for probably 5 years or so. He said he was what AA called a dry drunk - I never really got that till getting on SR. I thought sober was sober.
When I first met him he was so adamant about not drinking - he literally hated it. Hated what it had done to him. If he saw a news report about s drunk driver he would go off. I was never an alcoholic just a social drinker. Before he moved in he told me that I had to stop a lot of it. He wasn't okay with me going for drinks after work weekly. He said my alcohol consumption had to be only occasionally and never to the point of intoxication or he would have to exit. How ironic that I am now the one who doesn't drink. I used to drive home after having 3 cocktails (my safe limit in my head) and that all changed - he changed my views and opinions about alcohol and for that I am thankful. I certainly could have gotten a DUI in the many years I drove home that I felt I was safely drinking and driving.
Now he wants me to drink with him. I won't. I set some initial ground rules - same rules go for you. No drinking and driving EVER. He said that he was always known for being the best driver while drinking, in fact he is a better driver while drinking. So you are going to drink and drive I asked? His response was he was capable of ascertaining whether or not he was too impaired.
Unbelievable. I have no idea who this person is.
The only glimpse into this abyss and where it came from was a comment he made that he just wants to be 'normal" - he no longer wants to be the one not drinking when anyone else can. he no longer wants to be labeled an alcoholic or sober. He no longer wants to have to explain when someone is pushing him to have a drink that he is an alcoholic. He thinks its unfair.
Well I think its unfair that I have to watch every morsel of food I put in my mouth or I will blow up like a balloon, I think its unfair that my AH can consume 10000 calories on not gain a pound. Life isn't fair - i said this to him and he said its not the same. Sigh.
When I first met him he was so adamant about not drinking - he literally hated it. Hated what it had done to him. If he saw a news report about s drunk driver he would go off. I was never an alcoholic just a social drinker. Before he moved in he told me that I had to stop a lot of it. He wasn't okay with me going for drinks after work weekly. He said my alcohol consumption had to be only occasionally and never to the point of intoxication or he would have to exit. How ironic that I am now the one who doesn't drink. I used to drive home after having 3 cocktails (my safe limit in my head) and that all changed - he changed my views and opinions about alcohol and for that I am thankful. I certainly could have gotten a DUI in the many years I drove home that I felt I was safely drinking and driving.
Now he wants me to drink with him. I won't. I set some initial ground rules - same rules go for you. No drinking and driving EVER. He said that he was always known for being the best driver while drinking, in fact he is a better driver while drinking. So you are going to drink and drive I asked? His response was he was capable of ascertaining whether or not he was too impaired.
Unbelievable. I have no idea who this person is.
The only glimpse into this abyss and where it came from was a comment he made that he just wants to be 'normal" - he no longer wants to be the one not drinking when anyone else can. he no longer wants to be labeled an alcoholic or sober. He no longer wants to have to explain when someone is pushing him to have a drink that he is an alcoholic. He thinks its unfair.
Well I think its unfair that I have to watch every morsel of food I put in my mouth or I will blow up like a balloon, I think its unfair that my AH can consume 10000 calories on not gain a pound. Life isn't fair - i said this to him and he said its not the same. Sigh.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Originally Posted by redatlanta
He said that he was always known for being the best driver while drinking, in fact he is a better driver while drinking.
Life isn't fair - i said this to him and he said its not the same. Sigh.
Life isn't fair - i said this to him and he said its not the same. Sigh.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,349
Yes, a big huge sigh. I heard all the things you heard, every explanation of how he wanted to be like everybody else. How he could control it. How he drove better while drunk. Well, he got a DUI back in February, so I guess the police don't seem to agree, LOL. He used to say stuff like, "I don't beat you, do I?", or, "My dad and mom drove drunk all the time and they got away with it." He still thinks it's OK to drink and drive and has made many subtle references to the fact that the law is out to get him and that he's an innocent victim of our justice system and that he's like all the other folks who got their DUI's. Okaaayyy?? Seriously?
Anyway, keep coming back to vent. I typed up my comments above so that you understand that you are not alone and that the things he said are not unique to him. It is very typical stuff coming out of his mouth and we've all heard it(or some variation of it anyway). Get help for yourself, go to Al Anon and get your own sponsor. I swear my sponsor saves my life repeatedly, and probably saves my AH's life too, LOL!
Anyway, keep coming back to vent. I typed up my comments above so that you understand that you are not alone and that the things he said are not unique to him. It is very typical stuff coming out of his mouth and we've all heard it(or some variation of it anyway). Get help for yourself, go to Al Anon and get your own sponsor. I swear my sponsor saves my life repeatedly, and probably saves my AH's life too, LOL!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Lizatola - Thanks sso much for your responses since it seems you have been there and done that. At your suggestion to vent.....lol - My AH said yesterday that he managed to get drunk off a shot of kahlua in his coffee. I brought him his coffee, he never got up finished it and asked me to make him another. Plus we are at my family beach house where there is no kahlua. When pressed he said he brought it - show it to me then - he threw it away. I said well lets go through the trash. He said he threw it away at the marina.
Lets see he also has only had drinks 3 times. He also has a fail proof method. You see IF and thats a big IF in his mind, things were to get out of control, he will enter himself in a 28 day program. So you see he says, everything will be just fine.
I told him he was the stupidest person I have ever met in my life. I guess I shouldn't have said anything but oh well....like him and his drinking I just couldn't help myself.
Lets see he also has only had drinks 3 times. He also has a fail proof method. You see IF and thats a big IF in his mind, things were to get out of control, he will enter himself in a 28 day program. So you see he says, everything will be just fine.
I told him he was the stupidest person I have ever met in my life. I guess I shouldn't have said anything but oh well....like him and his drinking I just couldn't help myself.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 378
So, so sorry. I know that terrible sinking heart feeling, it sucks!!
My question for you is, what is your boundary? My husband relapsed after 3 years of sobriety. My boundary was - A. move out until I feel at a clear place (luckily we have a guest "house" on the property) B. you must be in treatment (drinking stopped) and fully ready to quit. (no rationalizations for continuing, period.) C. marriage counseling and none of this is negotiable. All 3 are happening. I'm still working through my feelings.
I could not tell he was drinking again. I found some alcohol. What it did to me, was put me into post-traumatic-stress syndrome. It triggered what we went through 4 years ago - we know where drinking leads. It goes one way eventually. For me to stay, is to have to fully accept that this a life-long illness. He could relapse at any time. I could be 70 and he could relapse. Can I live with this???
That for me is the bottom line. And it's a tough one to ask.
My husband is super responsible, my best friend, a great listener, a good partner, very talented . . . which all in all, can make it even harder to decide what steps to take. I read on here what other people are having to deal with even when sober . . . whew.
So . . . what are your boundaries? And is he the type of man that you feel is worth taking this risk with?
My question for you is, what is your boundary? My husband relapsed after 3 years of sobriety. My boundary was - A. move out until I feel at a clear place (luckily we have a guest "house" on the property) B. you must be in treatment (drinking stopped) and fully ready to quit. (no rationalizations for continuing, period.) C. marriage counseling and none of this is negotiable. All 3 are happening. I'm still working through my feelings.
I could not tell he was drinking again. I found some alcohol. What it did to me, was put me into post-traumatic-stress syndrome. It triggered what we went through 4 years ago - we know where drinking leads. It goes one way eventually. For me to stay, is to have to fully accept that this a life-long illness. He could relapse at any time. I could be 70 and he could relapse. Can I live with this???
That for me is the bottom line. And it's a tough one to ask.
My husband is super responsible, my best friend, a great listener, a good partner, very talented . . . which all in all, can make it even harder to decide what steps to take. I read on here what other people are having to deal with even when sober . . . whew.
So . . . what are your boundaries? And is he the type of man that you feel is worth taking this risk with?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
Redatlanta, I finally came to the conclusion that if it was confusing, he was lying. I also eventually came to the conclusion that if I was getting an update status wrapped up in a neat red bow, he was also lying.
I won't lie. I laughed. 
I told him he was the stupidest person I have ever met in my life.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: New England
Posts: 350
I'm so sorry, RedAtlanta. I'm in a very similar situation and it just sickens me if I think about it too much. My AH drank once in front of me last fall, and as far as I knew that was the end of it. (I still didn't really understand what an insidious foe alcoholism is. I'm starting to get this now.) He was sneaking it, apparently for longer than I was aware because someone else in the family saw him drinking months ago but never told me. He didn't lie when I asked him straight out in June. I'm grateful for that. But now, we have it in the house, every day. In his vehicle, more than likely every day. I never wanted to live like this.
I don't know what is enabling and what is just getting on with my life. I don't know what is coming, and it scares the s*** out of me. Health problems? DUIs? Another affair? I am amazed by the denial. Really?? You are drinking at 10:30 in the morning and you don't think this is a problem?
Anyway, I certainly don't have any answers, but you are not alone. I'm right there with you. WHY?
I don't know what is enabling and what is just getting on with my life. I don't know what is coming, and it scares the s*** out of me. Health problems? DUIs? Another affair? I am amazed by the denial. Really?? You are drinking at 10:30 in the morning and you don't think this is a problem?
Anyway, I certainly don't have any answers, but you are not alone. I'm right there with you. WHY?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 378
WHY?
They have a disease, it's a mental illness or a brain dysfunction. Call it what you will. Why do some people have MS or why are some people bi-polar? There are no clear answers, unfortunately, to the why. Other than that some research suggests it has a genetic component. The answers still aren't here . . .
I would encourage you to start getting a good education for yourself and #1 book most people suggest is Melodie Beattie's "Codependent No More". It's a must, IMO.
They have a disease, it's a mental illness or a brain dysfunction. Call it what you will. Why do some people have MS or why are some people bi-polar? There are no clear answers, unfortunately, to the why. Other than that some research suggests it has a genetic component. The answers still aren't here . . .
I would encourage you to start getting a good education for yourself and #1 book most people suggest is Melodie Beattie's "Codependent No More". It's a must, IMO.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Boundaries...hmmmm. The obvious ones a DUI or stealing are there.
This is unknown territory for me. But here is what I know. This has been a tough relationship from the get go. He had many issues which I did deal with and at times made my home life and absolute nightmare. It hasn't all been bad by any means in many ways he has brought out the best in me.
I don't think of it in terms of boundaries but in terms of tolerance perhaps they are one in the same. It isn't one particular action that might put me over the edge rather just how much more disruption I can take in my home. Very, very little is where my tolerance level is.
So what I am focusing on now is preparation financially. We aren't legally married, but he does have legal rights as a resident to my home. If we decide to split it would be in both our best interests that it happen very quickly. I would prefer to write a check than live with him for 90 days or relocate myself for 90 days in the interim.
In the meantime keeping peace is what is best for me. I have made it clear where I stand without raising my voice. I am not fighting him on this, no snide comments or sarcasm from the peanut gallery. For the time being that is keeping things peaceful and he is on best behavior.
This is unknown territory for me. But here is what I know. This has been a tough relationship from the get go. He had many issues which I did deal with and at times made my home life and absolute nightmare. It hasn't all been bad by any means in many ways he has brought out the best in me.
I don't think of it in terms of boundaries but in terms of tolerance perhaps they are one in the same. It isn't one particular action that might put me over the edge rather just how much more disruption I can take in my home. Very, very little is where my tolerance level is.
So what I am focusing on now is preparation financially. We aren't legally married, but he does have legal rights as a resident to my home. If we decide to split it would be in both our best interests that it happen very quickly. I would prefer to write a check than live with him for 90 days or relocate myself for 90 days in the interim.
In the meantime keeping peace is what is best for me. I have made it clear where I stand without raising my voice. I am not fighting him on this, no snide comments or sarcasm from the peanut gallery. For the time being that is keeping things peaceful and he is on best behavior.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
