PippoRossi

Hello, Everyone! I'm starting to believe that my drinking over the years was just a bandaid for my low self esteem. Drinking either calmed my racing mind or made me not care. I'm 40 years old, good looking (so they tell me ), have a great job, good marriage, etc., etc. That being said, whenever ANYTHING even slightly negative is said by most anyone I take it sooo personally and it's starting to drive me nutso!

For example, we are having problems with the furnace in our new house. My husband made the comment this morning that the unit was a "piece of sh!t" and I immediatley started to feel like it was somehow my fault. WTF kind of twisted thinking is this??? Also, my boss for the past 7 years (who is the best boss I've every had), whenever he may be having an "off" day I am pretty sure I am going to get fired for something. . Another example, is our new neighbors have a yappy dog. The lady told me if it bothered us to be sure to let her know...so I did. After that I have been obsessing that she is going to retaliate against me. OMG, stop the insanity of this thinking!!!

Anyone else have these types of issues? If so, what do you do to combat them? How does one go about building a self-esteem that has never existed?

Fandy

sometimes you just have to take a step back and remember that it isn't always about you, good or bad. everyone is responsible for their own actions and we are responsible for how we perceive them.

most people are self-centered and really don't even notice me (you), they are worried about themselves. I used to think it would be a HUGE deal if I didn't drink at a family holiday dinner, i built things up in my mind so much. I came with seltzer, drank it and nobody stood up and pointed at me...I was just offered a slice of lemon for the drink.

PippoRossi

Wow. This really hit home for me. I'm starting to see that what I see as my being too "sensitive" is actually self-centeredness at it's worst! YIKES!

LOVE the last line about people not pointing at you, but offering you a lemon slice instead. Fantastic!

Vall

One trick I learnt when I lacked confidence (due to depression) was that every time somebody said something that worried/upset me, I try and put myself in their shoes and think of reasons why they might have said that, so I don't interpret it as aimed at me - which it usually isn't as Fandy said.

You will get there PippoRossi - at least you care about what other people think! But don't let it eat away at you.

Fandy

it's not bad to be sensitive per say, but when we are actively drinking some of us might feel inner shame or hiding it...and it carries over. it's an old mind set, when your're newly sober you're not hiding anything, but you're not shouting from the the pulpit..."Hey I'm sober, pat me on the back/buttisimo/head! LOOK AT ME!!!" either...

so you might think that people are judging you, when in fact they might be inwardly thinking about the 4 loads of laundry that is piling up...or that their kid/husband/pets are wrecking the house/car/bathroom.

we're all just people, and alcoholism doesn't have to be your entire life...i'm still learning to relax and enjoy myself. (i used to be afraid of my free time)

PippoRossi

Thanks, Vall. I really like the idea of putting your "trick" to work.

PippoRossi

Fandy ~ I think a lot of my self-esteem problems stem from being the child of TWO narcissistic parents. My childhood was completely and entirely wrapped up in pleasing them (which was impossible) and wanting desperately to have their approval (also impossible). I am fiercely independent, but have practically no identity as an adult. It's so strange being a sober adult and having to navigate all these new emotions and feelings without them being dulled. I'm not particularly enjoying the ride, but when I think of the alternative I consider myself lucky to be out of the fog.

Fandy

it does get easier...and once you are more comfortable being sober, I think you become more confident and have better self-esteem. I try really hard to not let drinking or not drinking control my life...it stole too much.

there's a lot more to experience than constantly worrying. I'm aware that I don't drink, but it's a lot more in the background these days.

PippoRossi

Fandy ~ something that I haven't done but intend to start soon is exercising on a regular basis. I just wanted to get past this inital hump of getting and staying sober. Baby steps. I have been "blessed" with good genes and don't NEED to exercise to stay thin. That being said, I've heard that exercise is a super fantastic solution for an over active brain! Do you have any experience in that?

Fandy

i certainly have a lot of experience with not exercising ENOUGH...lol...however I believe in the gym and support it financially. i'm more of a morning person..i have to do it before work...it helps me keep my HTN in line and improves my mood (and waistline).

like anything, start small and the fitness section people are very friendly here too. there are walking threads, exercise/ nutrition threads too.

I do walk my little dog (that i adopted when i was 3.5 months sober the first time) at least a mile every morning...it's good for both of us.

PippoRossi

Thanks, Fandy. I'm more of a morning person, as well. Hubby and I bought a new house last April and have a room entirely dedicated to working out. Unfortunately, we have yet to get the room set up as we have spent every weekend since moving in August working on our old house to get it ready to put on the market. There is light at the end of the tunnel, though, as our old house is currently under contract and we can now spend some time on the weekends unpacking the new house! I'm excited to get on with my life and include exercise in it!

MidnightBlue

Hi, PippoRossi.

Though you are talking about worries, it made me smile - so much I recognized myself. I used to be just the same way. I can't tell that I got rid of this completely, but I've made some progress)).

As I see it, this fear is illogical and, as many, if not all our fears, goes back to childhood. So, even If I relize that people are preoccupied with their own worries to pay attention to me, it does not help much, because my logic does not work here.

When I detected where it came from, it was much easier to curb it. Try to face some of your fears, live it through. You are afraid that you neighbour will retaliate against you because of the dog? Smile to her next time you meet, ask about the dog, or something else.

Just food for thought: are you afraid that if you don't please everyone, they wont' appreciate you and won't love you, so you punish yourself so much for every mistake you make?

My counsellor helped me a lot also about that, she pointed me into the right direction where to dig for this fear.

These little troubles are like mosquitos: won't kill you but will keep you up all night long and drive crazy))).

Have a good day.

PippoRossi

Thanks for your response, Midnight. You said, "Just food for thought: are you afraid that if you don't please everyone, they wont' appreciate you and won't love you, so you punish yourself so much for every mistake you make?" Yep. That pretty much sounds like me. I'm a mess, I tell ya! I saw a counselor for many years (before my drinking got out of control) and she helped me dig my way through a lot of these issues. Perhaps I need a little refresher...

Hollyanne

I am the queen of over-sensitive, over the top, mad thoughts!
Big ego, low self esteem.
I want everyone and their dog to LOVE me, and yet, I am cruelly critical of half the people I come across!
It really is a case of selfcentredness, but sometimes I actually laugh at myself.

And I totally get the thing about feeling responsible for stuff that has absolutely nothing to do with me!

MidnightBlue

PippoRosso. Exercising is great anyway, but it does not remove the root of the problem you are talking about. I am exercising hard and regularly, but it does not work magic when I find myself in the situations, which can undermine my self-esteem.

MidnightBlue

And just remembered by favourite saying of Aesop: "Please all, and you will please none."

MIRecovery

I like, "We are superman with an inferiority complex"

PippoRossi

Holly ~ oh, it feels all warm and fuzzy to be in such great company! HA!