Toss

My father has been in ill heath for many years. I received a call from his wife (he's in his early seventies) that he had another stroke last week (he has had many smaller strokes since the early 1990's). I called him in the hospital about a week ago and talked to him for a few minutes. The problem is he can't hear very well and after the initial exchange, he could not understand me. He lives 10 hours away, so visiting is tough.

Long story short, he walked out on my Mom and brother when I was 12. He was not an alcoholic, he was a womanholic. He left for another woman. I got to spend many of my Saturday's with him and "her". Being shy, small, and introverted, it obviously affected me. Luckily the other woman cheated on him a few years later and he's been with his current wife for over twenty years.

There's obviously more, but to the reason for my thread. I don't mind talking to him, but seeing him is almost physically impossible for me. We have always had a superficial relationship for many years. A few years ago he apologized for what he did, said it was a terrbile mistake. He dealt with depression during the "cheating" time. I should forgive him, but I don't. I can't forget hearing my Mom cry at night, knowing her heart was broken. I go back to those times in my head occasionally and my skin crawls.

I should forgive him, even have told him everything was good. Inside me it's not. I feel so uncomfortable having to deal with him, like I shouldn't have to. That's such a crappy thing to say (honestly, I wish he was gone). Maybe that's the rub, I'm such a kind, forgiving everyday person, but I have this deep seated anger that can't be extinguished. Maybe it's that I have to be the perfect father because mine wasn't. He became an acquantance the day he walked out (the Dad died in 1978).

Sorry, I'm raw after 11 days of sobriety (again). I know I'm depressed, bored, irrated, pity ridden, angry and sad. I don't want to have to deal with this!!!!

I'm surprised I even got that much out. Don't even care if anyone responds. It's been in the back of my head lately and it needs to vent.

Toss

sugarbear1

Sending hugs and love your way

misterritter

Sounds really rough to deal with. I can totally understand your position. I am just now beginning to see how much things that happen to us as children affect our whole lives (therapy tends to do that I guess). He did something terrible to you and your loved ones and I think it would be really tough to forgive or even accept something like that.

Its good to get these kinds of things out and not let them fester.

Hopefully, tomorrow will be a better day.

Anna

Hi Toss,

I feel your pain, I really do.

When you say, 'I should forgive him', I wonder what you mean by that? Forgiveness is something we do for ourselves, it is a gift we give to ourselves. It doesn't mean pretending what the person did was not important. It doesn't mean pretending it didn't happen. Forgiveness will allow you to lift the weight of your father off your shoulders. The thing is, when you carry around the resentment and anger, you are allowing your father to control you just as he did when he left you. Every time you feel those negative emotions, you are allowing him into your life.

Like you, I felt I had to be the perfect mother, because mine was so very horrible. I didn't make it. The enormous pressure I put on myself to be perfect was too much and I began to drink to cope with the cracks in my life. I am a very good mother, not perfect, and that's okay.

Dee74

Hi Toss

My grandfather died earlier this year, in his late nineties.
Quite simply, he was a nasty selfish violent, boozing brute.

I did not see him before he died.
I did make my peace with the whole situation many years before tho.

I think I told you before about The Shack - or maybe it was someone else.
I found it a terrific book for me.

It speaks about forgiveness in there:
I won't lie to you...it's a long hard journey...I cannot, and should not, forget the things he did, I will not ever like the man - but I no longer hate him...and the past does not lie heavy on me or eat away at me like it used to.

I am free. I removed my hands from around his neck

D

Blondie0419

Writing it and getting it out seems like a good way to start dealing with it. My husbands father was estranged from him growing up, they met when my husband was in his early 20s. They had one deep conversation, talked about it, cried and then never mentioned it again. I know he was and is still hurt by his father, but he never regretted getting to know him. His father passed away last December and we were able to be there for him. I know he would suggest for you to spend whatever time you can with your family, have no regrets and know you did everything you could do to make the situation better. I know you said he was not an alcoholic, but I know being one, that I hope those I have hurt will forgive me someday. Best of luck to you with the situation with your father, nice job on the 11 days too!

escapist

I can relate. My Dad left my Mom when I was 7. We moved from Alabama to Indiana. He went back to AL. For years I wondered about him. He is 73 now. A few years ago he called me. Turns out he needed a kidney and his blood type is rare. Guess who has the same blood type? You got it. I felt pretty angry, still do. . I don't wish him harm. I am not going to give him my kidney. I suppose I have forgiven him. I don't want to waste the energy begrudging him. He is what he is . Selfish and thoughtless and I hope I did'nt get that from him.

least

I can understand your pain. It's good that you're staying sober as drinking will only compound the problems. Be kind to yourself.

Toss

Thanks everyone! I think the emotions I have numbed are rising to the surface. I have always internalized my emotions and after a while, I needed help keeping them covered (thus the alcohol).

Escapist, your story is very similar and the way your deaing with it sounds close also. Nice to know I am not alone.

Anna, I guess forgiveness is not the correct phrase to use. I really resent him taking away a good part of my childhood. I know why it happened, it's old news. I really don't dwell on it, it's just that I know very soon I will have to see him, and it makes me want to hurl.

Toss

neferkamichael

Toss, I had a alcoholic father who didn't leave and i hated that man for years after he passed away. The only thing i did by hating him was waste my time.
11 days sober? You are FANTASTIC. Congratulations.

FreeFall

Toss, only you can decide what will make this tolerable for you. Take care of yourself and do whatever you need to get through it. Know that we're here for you and that venting is free and a good way to release tough emotions. I wish things had been different for you growing up. No one is a perfect parent, all you can do is try your best.

Delilah1

Toss,

I am sorry you are dealing with this. If /when you do see him do it for yourself. Use it as a way to let go of what you are holding in. If possible try to remember something positive from your childhood, maybe you will leave with a sense of closure.

Sending you hugs.

Toss

Funny you mentioned something positive - he had a rocking chair in the bedroom and I would sit on his lap as he rocked, a really great memory.

I'm sorry you had no father as well. The loss of a parent, either by them leaving or death is so painful. For me, knowing he was off living another life, which unfortunately I had to participate in, was painful in itself.

Thanks again,

Toss