lenches13

I've had so many day ones that I'm getting sick of them. After a two week drinking binge I decided to take alcohol out of the equation starting today. It totally sucks and I know this feeling all too well - I'm shaky, sweaty and then freezing, I lost my appetite the whole day and struggled to keep it together during a staff meeting. I'm so angry at myself - I know where my binges will take me and yet I do it anyway. I made it for 8 days and I felt on top of the world and then I went out with some friends and it started with one glass of wine. I wish I could have stopped there. I so yearn to be normal and not drink during the week and perhaps have one or two drinks over the weekend socially. It seems like such a simple thing to do but I really struggle and I'm getting in the way of living my life. I can't tell you how many relationships I have lost because of alcohol - every single one of them - and now that I'm out and dating again - I need to remove it from my life in order for me to improve on myself. This is hard. Thanks for letting me vent and this site has been very helpful to me in the past.

trying77

Day 1 is still day 1, and heck yes, they suck, and even more heck yes when we keep having them.. just work your butt off to stay sober today, don't discount the 8 days.. its how we see what our potential is, in those moments of sobriety, however long or short.

YOU CAN DO THIS!!!!!!!!!!! (even though u might not be able to do it alone, I dont think any of us can..)

Thinking of you.

Dee74

welcome back lenches
do you have any idea what you might do differently this time?

D

outdoors

I don't know if you can do this or not, but I can't. For me, discovering and the admitting I was an alcoholic that cannot drink any amount of alcohol and be normal was THE huge step for me.

For alcoholics one of two, or both, things happens to us when we drink any alcohol. Either, we cannot control how much we drink, or we cannot stop when we decide to stop.

lenches13

Thank you for the replies...this time I'm just looking at this as taking it one day at a time. Last time I had a goal of 30 days and I think I set myself up for failure.

As for whether I can just have a couple drinks on the weekend - I remember the days when I used to be able to so that is why I keep thinking I can do it one day...but the more "day ones" I have the more I am realizing that I could possibly be in huge denial. I spoke to my mom about my issues and she knows me better than anyone and I don't know what happened in my life that pushed me over that line - drinking during the day yet still functioning. When I was married, my husband and I had a full bar in the basement that I NEVER touched unless we had a party or something. Where is that person? Where did she go?

Delilah1

I can relate to having too many day ones! I am wrapping up day 11 and decided to use every possible support this time. My doctor, individual counseling once a week, and have attended a few group meetings. Women in Sobriety has 13 guiding principles, and I am using these now and journaling about them. I am also exercising, reading, and spending time with my kids.

I have confided in a few trusted friends and my mom, all of whom have been very supportive. Read, post and hang in there. Wine was my downfall as well, and when the one small bottle grew to two small or one large things started getting out if control.

As difficult as it is to start thinking differently I love waking up with a clear mind, and being more present with my kids, and work.

Hang in there and keep reading and posting, SR has probably been my biggest support!

outdoors

Sounds like the definition of a "Progressive Disease."

In my experience, I left my moderate drinking self in the past- he is never to be found again no matter how hard I try. I didn't moderate for long. By the time I was out of High School I was a full blown alcoholic, but there used to be times when I was very young that I could go to a party, drink one or 2 beers and go home. If I tried that now- It would be getting started at a dozen. I would drink until I either passed out or drank every beer in the world. Turns out I am 100% on passing out.

quitforme79

I haven't been able to go out with anyone who will be drinking. (sounds like that's how you relapsed). I know it would just be too much for me at this point. Yes, it can get lonely but it's worth it. I am trying aa this time around and it's really helping me because I have met some really great people and have been hanging out with them on weekends. We go to the movies, pumpkin picking, lunch, dinner. Not to mention the meetings are helpful too. There are a bunch of different recovery methods and I am sure you can find one that works best for you. Hang in there!

Dee74

I think most of us have that dream, at some stage.
For me, my addiction was kinda like a rubber band, say.....

in the early days it was relatively easy to go on a binge and then snap back into shape and do some 'normal' drinking again...(thats a relative term...I never was a normal take it or leave it drinker, but that's another post)

but as the years and my addiction progressed, the rubber got more and more stretched and misshapen...

by the end there was no way my rubber band could ever snap back to the pristine thing it once was.

I had changed, and I needed to accept that.

you might too lenches?

D

lenches13

@Delilah - that is almost my exact story but without the kids. One small bottle of wine turned to two and then turned into those big bottles of wine - daily. It's so unhealthy and not to mention expensive. Then I started drinking at lunch and going back to work. I've crossed too many lines that I think I can't uncross. Good job on being on day 11!

@Dee - that was one of the best analogies I have ever heard. I'm in denial that this is progressing into something worse but it is. I have been in denial too long. I was in AA a couple years ago and made it 2 months but it wasn't for me.

Thanks everyone for your advice and replies. It really comforts me. Tomorrow I plan on going to the gym. I would love to trade alcohol for excercise. I really hope I can do it.

duane1

Lenches13, you don't quite seem committed to quitting. Sorry, just my opinion from having been there. From the information you have shared with us in this thread, you have very alcoholic tendencies. More earlier stages than what most of us became, but on the road. No big deal. You are among friends here. We are here to help.
When you went out with your friends, did you intend to drink? I suspect you had a good idea your friends might be having a drink. So you knowingly walked into the place with that idea that you might have a drink?
Drinking isn't something where you say, I hope I can do it. It is simply too strong an addiction in most of us for that. It takes a drawing of a line in the sand approach where you step over to the other side and cut off the way you used to approach alcohol. Do you want to draw that line in the sand?
A drawing of a line in the sand probably would have had you stay home till you were a little stronger in your recovery. Maybe an extra evening in the gym or at home would have been the way to go for now. If you did go, you would probably have had an exact reason of why you couldn't/can't drink worked out ahead of time.
I also used to frequently look back at how it all started. When did it go bad. How did I get to this place..... As I said, you are pretty early stage to me. It gets harder to get out as it progresses. Are you really committed to drawing the line in the sand?
I am at 5 months. I still think out every situation ahead of time and try to avoid unnecessary challenges to my sobriety.
I willy nillied on quitting for over 20 years. Guess what, in that time my addiction got a whole lot worse. I don't want to see that time wasted for you. A line can be drawn.

Happiness44

Im at Day 1 too...again. Its always rough. Just keep coming back! We can do this.

Jitterbugg

Hi Lenches,
I can definitely relate. My drinking ruined numerous relationships for me too. Only one of them was a long-term girlfriend, but I scared off many girls in the early stages of dating. I turn into a complete a-hole when i drink but at the time I always seem to think I am being 'charming' and 'witty'. I stopped dating for the time being because I am putting my sobriety first. I will be lonely, but at least I won't add to my list of cringe-worthy moments with girls.

MIRecovery

I at 3+ years and I still think out every situation ahead of time. I know if I get in the ring with king alcohol I will get my a$$ handed to me everytime. It is a fight I will lose so I choose not to show up. My son got married and I told him I would be at the reception until I felt uncompfortable. I stayed for a long time by staying out on the patio away from the drinking. People came to me if they wanted to talk. Rude? probably but guess what I stayed sober and in the end that is what counts because with out sobriety I am no good to anyone.

ForMyGirls

Me too... Screwed up late last week after nine days and didn't stop until yesterday... Didn't do anything "bad", but my Wife let me know how disappointed in me she was... Damn...

Mammyof3boys

Wow Dee. That's is a great analogy. I have changed too. Thanks for writing this.

las75

Ive gone through that "wanting to drink normally" efforts so many times and realize it is less heart wrenching to just decide "no more, ever..." than to try to figure out each day what normal drinking is. I'm new to this as well but think that AVRT is definately the technique for me. Decide and then be done. I'm on day 2 (again) and WILL win this!

Sobersunshine

That's a really good point. I'm new in AA but have already made a couple friends tht I hang out with outside the meetings. Im also new in recovery and have avoided almost all situations involving alcohol, including a really fun weekend event a few weeks ago that I didn't feel strong enough to handle. I was sad to miss it but the huge payoff was that I stayed sober.

Good luck to you lenches. You CAN do this. Might I suggest "one day at a time.". I know it's a cliche but it has really worked for me. I just tell myelf each morning (and I used to start drinking first thing in the am) that I will not drink for the next 24 hours. Focusing on the day or the hour is much less overwhelming that thinking about the rest of my life.

lenches13

Thanks, everyone...day 2 has been better for me and I actually went to the gym today. About that line being drawn - you are right...I have not committed to drawing it yet because I am terrified to draw it. I'm actually terrified of being happy. I know that sounds crazy but I've sabotaged myself so many times that it is what is "normal" for me. I will do this one day at a time. I have to remember this feeling of being sober and how great it can be.