angelbaby925

Hi my name is Angel and i am new here. I just would like some input on my situation. Ill try to keep it as short and sweet as possible. So my addict/ alcoholic ex (who is also the father of my 2 year old son) and I met about 4 years ago. He's 24 and im 21. Our story is probably a little weird, we met at a tattoo party he was homeless and we spent a wonderful week together and he moved in... yes very fast. But I knew from the moment we met that I loved him. I didn't start noticing his alcohol problem till about 5 months in. Started out with being arrested once and when I got pregnant it got worse. He was arrested for public intoxication various times. The verbal abuse was a constant, he physically abused me twice and damaged many of my belongings. He even went as far as leaving my 3 month old son home alone and got hit by a car drunk while crossing the street to purchase alcohol!!! For a long time after that I refused to see him until he went to rehab, and I wouldn't let him see his son until he got sober. He did, and was doing ok. On his graduation day which was 90 days, he relapsed. This went on and off for months getting sober, relapsing. I would go months without talking to him and then having him come back and sleep in my car. The last straw was the last time he went to rehab... he was there for 2 months and left, we weren't together but i was taking his son to see him on occasion. I had my own life, my own friends, a job... and working on being a single parent. He had turned to drugs, now he was a heroin addict. He didn't see his son for about 6-8 months. He went to jail, and is now in rehab again. This time we have been talking and before he went into rehab we had a good communication going. He relapsed before but now has 2 months under his belt. This time he seems to have changed, he gained weight, hes happy, hes funny... all the things i remember him being. And I found my love for him again. But, I just dont know what to do. I told him I want to wait a year to even think about a relationship. But, we act and talk like a couple. HELP.

And another thing too is, he is the only person I feel I can be myself around. Whenever I date someone else it just doesn't feel right.

dollydo

Welcome!

Your child must be your priorty. A few months sober does not make for recovery. Recovery takes a long term committment, and a child should never be exposed to addiction of any kind, let alone be raised in that toxic enviornment.

You are so young think about why you are considering to go back with him...there are MANY
sober and clean men that you can have the same connection with, think with your head, not your heart, you are wanting your heart to do something it is not capable of doing.

Please get yourself to Naraon meetings, read Codependent No More, all the stickeys at the top
of this forum and cynical one's blogs, knowledge is power.

cr995

I really feel for you. Have you tried going to Al-anon? I know about what you say about not feeling right with anybody else. What I would say is don't rush into anything. I think you are right about waiting a year. That's your head talking - let it make the decisions not your heart. You need to really protect yourself - nobody else will. The very fact that you are confused means you doubt - that is good, that is your instinct, listen to it! Love and hugs Cr994

angelbaby925

Thank you guys very much. I was fine without him. We haven't been together for over a year. I never thought I would even have any feelings for him again. But, for some reason now I do. I don't know why, for the longest time I felt like I hated him... Which I did. But, why all of the sudden do I feel for him again? My son isn't around him unless he's sober... He hasn't been living with his father since he was 3 months old and he is not left alone with him.

LoveMeNow

If he is the only one you feel you can be yourself around, maybe it's time to work on YOU and let him keep working on himself.

Two healthy parents (or least one) is what a child needs and deserves.

It took me a long time to start working on me (a therapist, Alanon and a Coda group). I have a lot to learn and relearn. Oh, how I wish I had done it when I was your age.

Keep posting, it does really help. However, you may not always like the responses because sometimes the truth is hard to accept.

Sueski

I really really agree that you should trust that inner voice telling you to give it time. You and your son have to be the priority.

Pelican

Welcome to the SR family!

You have found a wonderful resource of support and information. Please stick around and make yourself at home.

It may not feel right dating a 'normal' guy after being involved with an active addict, and that may be because you have become addicted to the addict.

I know I became addicted to my alcoholic husband. The walking on eggshells, the running around trying to fix his mistakes, the planning/obsessing of trying to prevent another binge......I was stuck in an unhealthy cycle.

I learned how to take better care of myself by attending Alanon meetings, reading self-improvement books, and by spending time here at SR. I am a healthier individual now, and I think that helped in my seeking out other healthy individuals instead of looking for another "fixer~uppper".

backtolifeforme

When we go through traumatic ups n downs in these insane relationships, a strange chemical reaction occurs inside. It gets our adrenaline & cortisol pumping like mad. The longer we stay, the stronger the reaction & our need to feel it. Like Pelican said, sometimes we become addicted to the A & the drama cycle without realizing it. It's normal to feel oddly & strongly connected to someone that is bad for us if we've suffered a lot of trauma. Feelings are not facts though. Please remember that & consider AlAnon for your own well being. Best wishes.