kiwichick

I have been in this relationship with my now hubby for 8 years. We got married last month and it only hit me after we got married that I was in denial about his drinking. I mean I think I was in denial? I told him two years ago I was leaving because his drinking was getting out of hand but then I never did and his drinking went back to the same old and we fell into the same position we had been this whole time.
Now that I have tried a different approach and started working on me I have realised I have just been going along with this relationship because I have been so codependent and also trying to control his drinking all along. I would bend over backwards to keep him happy - he wanted me to drink more so I did, he put guilt trips on me when I wanted to go out with friends so I stayed home with him, I used to ask him to drink his alcohol and then tip it down the sink when he wasn't looking because then that would be one less drink for him. Looking back I didn't even realise how screwed up my behaviour was at the time.
I've tried breaking up with him and then I feel bad - I always think to myself why haven't I left yet? But then I think I can't do it on my own, I have two small kids! When I tried to leave he says he needs me and I feel so guilty for going along with it this long
I guess I'm just trying to figure out why I want to leave - he didn't drink this weekend because he is trying to prove to me that he is putting me before alcohol but I've heard it all before. I was secretly hoping he would drink this weekend so that I would have an excuse to leave. He's never been abusive, sometimes he picks fights when he's drunk and I argue back but never win because the argument is about nothing in the first place. We are going to marriage counselling tomorrow (his idea) and I'm freaking out. I was having panic attacks before the wedding and couldn't figure out why I was feeling so bad and then I just put it down to cold feet and that everyone must go through those feelings before they get married?
It feels like I can't stick up for myself and I get talked into a lot of things and worry about what I "should" do instead of what I want to do - I don't even know what I want to do anyway
Sorry this post is all over the place - I am all over the place at the moment feeling so lost!

Thanks for listening

Tuffgirl

How about some individual counseling for you, too? Might help to sort out your thoughts and feelings.

I know living with an active alcoholic made my head spin. I had to get away to sort myself out. But if you aren't ready for that drastic measure, try individual counseling or some Al-Anon meetings, where you can talk through these things face-to-face with people who understand.

And of course, there's always posting here...I have found it to be so helpful to write things out, and go back and read them again and again.

Hang in there, Kiwi.
~T

Graceland

It feels very lonely and beyond frustrating to emerge from denial while your husband is still clinging tightly to it. I wish that I had gone to Al-Anon the minute that I knew that he was an alcoholic, whether he accepted it or not.

We went to marriage counseling for about six months, and it appeared to work a little. But it was really just on the surface. I had a friend once tell me that counseling would never work unless he came out of denial first. Based on my experience, I firmly believe this to be true. Otherwise, it's just one lie after another.