Nervous/anxious/stressed about tonight
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Las Vegas
Posts: 43
Nervous/anxious/stressed about tonight
My soon to be ex-wife (recovered? or A) is stopping by tonight to get some of her things, see the dogs and discuss filing a joint petition for divorce. She's been gone for over a month and only texts me. I've been asking her to call so we can discuss finalizing this, but she keeps saying she will and doesn't. In fact, she texts me late on Sunday nights (when she knows I'm sleeping), or on a Friday night at 8 to ask if she can have one of the dogs (NO).
Anyway, it's been a month since I've seen her, and in that time I've talked to her once over the phone. I'm stressing out about this because I just want to get this divorce process started and finalized so I can move on and (hopefully) stop thinking about her so much. My plan is to keep this as business-like as possible but who knows how well that will work. I already have most of her stuff packed and by the door to speed things up.
I'm pretty sure she's seeing somebody already, so I'm not worried about anything happening between us. However, what I'm worried about (since I haven't really talked to her) is how emotional or irrational she might be. I keep hearing how even recently recovering As are just as irrational and self-centered as active As, if not more so.
I guess my point is, wish me luck please.
Anyway, it's been a month since I've seen her, and in that time I've talked to her once over the phone. I'm stressing out about this because I just want to get this divorce process started and finalized so I can move on and (hopefully) stop thinking about her so much. My plan is to keep this as business-like as possible but who knows how well that will work. I already have most of her stuff packed and by the door to speed things up.
I'm pretty sure she's seeing somebody already, so I'm not worried about anything happening between us. However, what I'm worried about (since I haven't really talked to her) is how emotional or irrational she might be. I keep hearing how even recently recovering As are just as irrational and self-centered as active As, if not more so.
I guess my point is, wish me luck please.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
Oh wow. Deep breaths.
If you begin to feel to stressed or out of control (internally or externally) just run, lol. Seriously though - there are no gold stars for staying rooted to the ground. If you feel like you need to - just say you are going for a walk and leave. Walk around the block and collect your thoughts and go back or just stay gone if you want to.
Also - just based on my personal experience - remind yourself over and over - you do not have to agree or make promises tonight. You can give something consideration and get back to her at a later date but you do not need to sign anything or make verbal promises tonight.
If you begin to feel to stressed or out of control (internally or externally) just run, lol. Seriously though - there are no gold stars for staying rooted to the ground. If you feel like you need to - just say you are going for a walk and leave. Walk around the block and collect your thoughts and go back or just stay gone if you want to.
Also - just based on my personal experience - remind yourself over and over - you do not have to agree or make promises tonight. You can give something consideration and get back to her at a later date but you do not need to sign anything or make verbal promises tonight.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Canada
Posts: 230
I wish you luck!
But it sounds like you are fairly prepared. I am going through a divorce with my STBXAH right now as well. It gets a little crazier every day. I'm sure that his lawyer has his plate full! Just when I think STBXAH is in a somewhat rational state he surprises me by being even more ludicrous.
Keep your boundaries. Stay strong, and don't get sucked into her vortex.
But it sounds like you are fairly prepared. I am going through a divorce with my STBXAH right now as well. It gets a little crazier every day. I'm sure that his lawyer has his plate full! Just when I think STBXAH is in a somewhat rational state he surprises me by being even more ludicrous.
Keep your boundaries. Stay strong, and don't get sucked into her vortex.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 27
I had the most amicable divorce possible. The marriage's failure was a direct result of my drinking. I gave her everything, house, car, kids, money, in exchange for a quick and painless end to our marriage legally. I was trying to get sober at the time and the kitchenware or the lawn mower really made no difference. We were all healthy and moving on.
Even with all submission, it was difficult. I loved my wife, still do, but she is my best friend today because we worked things out before the lawyers were involved. Best of luck, and keep it simple.
Even with all submission, it was difficult. I loved my wife, still do, but she is my best friend today because we worked things out before the lawyers were involved. Best of luck, and keep it simple.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
Good luck.
You know, if you're worried about it, you could have a friend at the house, in another room.
I'm serious. If I had had to face my AXH prior to the divorce, I would have wanted someone else nearby.
You know, if you're worried about it, you could have a friend at the house, in another room.
I'm serious. If I had had to face my AXH prior to the divorce, I would have wanted someone else nearby.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Las Vegas
Posts: 43
Thanks for the advice everyone. And thanks for your input Collingwood20, it's good to hear from someone who was in your position.
Illamy, she came into town with her "friend" and I specifically asked her to come alone, so I don't want to turn around at make her feel outnumbered (even if she was unaware). But I do understand what you're saying.
I am just trying to keep it simple and civil. She wants to maintain a friendship so it will hopefully be ok. However, at this point, I'm not sure I want to be friends with her when this is over with...too much pain.
Illamy, she came into town with her "friend" and I specifically asked her to come alone, so I don't want to turn around at make her feel outnumbered (even if she was unaware). But I do understand what you're saying.
I am just trying to keep it simple and civil. She wants to maintain a friendship so it will hopefully be ok. However, at this point, I'm not sure I want to be friends with her when this is over with...too much pain.
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
Can you have somebody there' a friend?
Originally Posted by 6901 
My soon to be ex-wife (recovered? or A) is stopping by tonight to get some of her things, see the dogs and discuss filing a joint petition for divorce. She's been gone for over a month and only texts me. I've been asking her to call so we can discuss finalizing this, but she keeps saying she will and doesn't. In fact, she texts me late on Sunday nights (when she knows I'm sleeping), or on a Friday night at 8 to ask if she can have one of the dogs (NO).
Anyway, it's been a month since I've seen her, and in that time I've talked to her once over the phone. I'm stressing out about this because I just want to get this divorce process started and finalized so I can move on and (hopefully) stop thinking about her so much. My plan is to keep this as business-like as possible but who knows how well that will work. I already have most of her stuff packed and by the door to speed things up.
I'm pretty sure she's seeing somebody already, so I'm not worried about anything happening between us. However, what I'm worried about (since I haven't really talked to her) is how emotional or irrational she might be. I keep hearing how even recently recovering As are just as irrational and self-centered as active As, if not more so.
I guess my point is, wish me luck please.
Anyway, it's been a month since I've seen her, and in that time I've talked to her once over the phone. I'm stressing out about this because I just want to get this divorce process started and finalized so I can move on and (hopefully) stop thinking about her so much. My plan is to keep this as business-like as possible but who knows how well that will work. I already have most of her stuff packed and by the door to speed things up.
I'm pretty sure she's seeing somebody already, so I'm not worried about anything happening between us. However, what I'm worried about (since I haven't really talked to her) is how emotional or irrational she might be. I keep hearing how even recently recovering As are just as irrational and self-centered as active As, if not more so.
I guess my point is, wish me luck please.
Iceberg Ahead!
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Out at Sea
Posts: 1,177
Hope for Today, September 9, page 253:
"Al-Anon suggests I "Keep It Simple." I used to think keeping it simple meant doing whatever needed to do to keep people from being angry with me. Not so! Keeping it simple means I don't have to do ten things at once so that everyone is happy. The slogan indicates I don't evenhave to think of ten things at once. Keeping it simple also implies that I can make decisions with my own best interests in mind. I don't need to complicate my life with guesswork about others' actions or feelings. Keeping it simple helps me say great phrases like, "I need some time to think about that" and "I'll need to get back to you with my decision." "I'm not sure," or "I don't know the answer to that" are also responses that work well.
Keeping it simple denotes I don't have to respond to the face of anger. I don't have to explain my motives to an irrational person. Keeping it simple suggests I don't have to take on someone else's guilt and frustration. It signifies that my integrity is protected and remains intact. Keeping it simple gives me time to enjoy the lovely, carefree thigs in life — like breathing deeply, smiling broadly, and laughing out loud.
When I practice "Keep It Simple," my decisions and responsibilities become clear so I can deal with them quickly and get on with enjoying my life.
Best wishes for peace tonight! Keeping it simple denotes I don't have to respond to the face of anger. I don't have to explain my motives to an irrational person. Keeping it simple suggests I don't have to take on someone else's guilt and frustration. It signifies that my integrity is protected and remains intact. Keeping it simple gives me time to enjoy the lovely, carefree thigs in life — like breathing deeply, smiling broadly, and laughing out loud.
When I practice "Keep It Simple," my decisions and responsibilities become clear so I can deal with them quickly and get on with enjoying my life.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 93
Originally Posted by 6901
I'm pretty sure she's seeing somebody already, so I'm not worried about anything happening between us. I guess my point is, wish me luck please.
I did not ever think that I was going to think this way but the fact that my ex is seeing someone else and engaged - it actually is making it easier to say that it is over and now it is my time to move on, work on myself, and find happier days. You deserve better than this...
I hope for you, the night works out in the most professional way possible.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Las Vegas
Posts: 43
Originally Posted by rsk
Good luck 6901!
I did not ever think that I was going to think this way but the fact that my ex is seeing someone else and engaged - it actually is making it easier to say that it is over and now it is my time to move on, work on myself, and find happier days. You deserve better than this...
I hope for you, the night works out in the most professional way possible.
I did not ever think that I was going to think this way but the fact that my ex is seeing someone else and engaged - it actually is making it easier to say that it is over and now it is my time to move on, work on myself, and find happier days. You deserve better than this...
I hope for you, the night works out in the most professional way possible.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: New England
Posts: 350
Originally Posted by Titanic
Hope for Today, I don't have to explain my motives to an irrational person.
Good luck tonight - it sounds like you have your head on pretty straight. Doesn't mean it won't hurt, though. I agree about the dog, btw. Hang in there.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Ohio
Posts: 6
Yea sounds like you know where you should be heading. You are lucky not to have children with her. I have 2 kids with addict/alchoholic. He is not the worst of them but it makes my job so much harder. Really the kids are the ones affected by the roller coaster. I have to keep it like business to keep going and keep it as fair to the kids as I can. One day I may become too exhausted or I may stay. Who knows, but know you ARE lucky you did not have kids with her.
Iceberg Ahead!
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Out at Sea
Posts: 1,177
AYSprings: "the kids AND YOU are affected by the roller coaster." The Al-Anon program is for US first and foremost because it is WE who are affected by the disease. We as individuals. And it is WE who must put our oxygen masks on first, before we can lift one finger to help our kids with this. That much I have learned ... a lot the hard way.
6901: How did it go? Are you alright? You're in my thoughts and prayers.
6901: How did it go? Are you alright? You're in my thoughts and prayers.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Las Vegas
Posts: 43
So here's the update:
Quick reminder -- my wife gets out of rehab (for alcohol and bulimia), moves to Reno to live with her dad. Calls me after a few weeks to say she's staying up there and claims that I'm not safe for her. Quacking. So I say I will no longer support her and suggest we divorce.
She comes in last night and gives me a hug...I immediately smell alcohol. Guess me not being safe for her was BS. She hugs the dogs, says I look good. She then asks me to help her with her bills this month. I ask her if she got a job. She says she just got a waitressing job, but doesn't start until the end of the week (she is a licensed attorney, by the way). I said she should ask her dad to help her, but he doesn't have money. I then said that if she's seeing somebody, then she should ask him. She says that I know her and she's not the type to ask someone she just started dating to help her out with bills. When I said, "but you'll ask me for help", she says "Yeah, you're like my family". She's just out of it!
We start loading up her "friend's" truck, and she asks me for another favor...to meet the guy she's seeing!!!! I said NOOO. "I just want your opinion, I respect that". Absolutely not, I don't want to meet him and I don't want him in the house. He was apparently walking his dog around the area. Never saw him, don't care.
She's going to have to make another trip down to get the rest of her stuff. She said she would come by herself, and asked if she could stay at the house. I hesitated and reluctantly said yes, but only to avoid any confrontation last night since we hadn't yet discussed the divorce. Then she said we'll figure it out later.
We talked about the divorce papers, which I will email her. We hugged and said goodbye, and she said she missed me and loved me. I again hesitated and said I loved her. I never mentioned that I could tell she was drinking, but I told her to take care of herself because she looked too skinny -- her arms were really skinny with veins popping out.
Long story short, I was ok when she left, but slowly just got sad and depressed. She is totally heading down a dark and dangerous path. Drinking again, throwing her career away, looking unhealthy, and just oblivious to how crazy she is thinking. To actually think it's ok to ask me for help while seeing someone else, and then ask me to meet the schmuck. Also the fact that she tried to blame me for her problems, when in reality it was just to get away and keep drinking. I'm just really sad and worried about her. I know that it's out of my hands, and I should just be focusing on myself, which I am...but it's really hard to see someone you loved so much just self-destructing. She had such a promising future and life and I hope that she realizes that she needs help soon. I know that it's not my responsibility anymore...doesn't make it any easier to deal with though.
Thanks for listening and for all of your support.
Quick reminder -- my wife gets out of rehab (for alcohol and bulimia), moves to Reno to live with her dad. Calls me after a few weeks to say she's staying up there and claims that I'm not safe for her. Quacking. So I say I will no longer support her and suggest we divorce.
She comes in last night and gives me a hug...I immediately smell alcohol. Guess me not being safe for her was BS. She hugs the dogs, says I look good. She then asks me to help her with her bills this month. I ask her if she got a job. She says she just got a waitressing job, but doesn't start until the end of the week (she is a licensed attorney, by the way). I said she should ask her dad to help her, but he doesn't have money. I then said that if she's seeing somebody, then she should ask him. She says that I know her and she's not the type to ask someone she just started dating to help her out with bills. When I said, "but you'll ask me for help", she says "Yeah, you're like my family". She's just out of it!
We start loading up her "friend's" truck, and she asks me for another favor...to meet the guy she's seeing!!!! I said NOOO. "I just want your opinion, I respect that". Absolutely not, I don't want to meet him and I don't want him in the house. He was apparently walking his dog around the area. Never saw him, don't care.
She's going to have to make another trip down to get the rest of her stuff. She said she would come by herself, and asked if she could stay at the house. I hesitated and reluctantly said yes, but only to avoid any confrontation last night since we hadn't yet discussed the divorce. Then she said we'll figure it out later.
We talked about the divorce papers, which I will email her. We hugged and said goodbye, and she said she missed me and loved me. I again hesitated and said I loved her. I never mentioned that I could tell she was drinking, but I told her to take care of herself because she looked too skinny -- her arms were really skinny with veins popping out.
Long story short, I was ok when she left, but slowly just got sad and depressed. She is totally heading down a dark and dangerous path. Drinking again, throwing her career away, looking unhealthy, and just oblivious to how crazy she is thinking. To actually think it's ok to ask me for help while seeing someone else, and then ask me to meet the schmuck. Also the fact that she tried to blame me for her problems, when in reality it was just to get away and keep drinking. I'm just really sad and worried about her. I know that it's out of my hands, and I should just be focusing on myself, which I am...but it's really hard to see someone you loved so much just self-destructing. She had such a promising future and life and I hope that she realizes that she needs help soon. I know that it's not my responsibility anymore...doesn't make it any easier to deal with though.
Thanks for listening and for all of your support.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Oh I am so sorry...sorry that she has again chosen drinking. Sorry that you got to witness some more weirdness (who asks their husband to meet their new boyfriend because they value their opinion?! That is some seriously messed up thinking).
And I am sorry for the future I am sure you thought you'd be having, as we all did, going up in smoke (or alcohol fumes) once again.
Hugs,
~T
And I am sorry for the future I am sure you thought you'd be having, as we all did, going up in smoke (or alcohol fumes) once again.
Hugs,
~T
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Las Vegas
Posts: 43
Thanks Lyn, I totally agree. The only reason I'm even still in contact with her at this point (and even entertaining the idea of helping her out with her bills this month) is to get this divorce filed and finalized before she tries to make it difficult and nasty. As soon as I am legally free from her, I will then go no contact and just pray for her recovery.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
