Going to my first ALANON meeting...
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 14
Going to my first ALANON meeting...
I have been with my girlfriend for two years and she is an alcoholic and was sober for the past 3 years. She relapsed last Friday and I gave her an ultimatum: go to treatment or leave my apartment. She chose to not go to treatment that night. Now she is staying at her parents while I stare at her stuff still in my apartment.
When I met her, she was actively going to meetings, had a sponsor and held her job. Over time though, she kept lying to me about going to work and her attendance in AA meetings slowly dwindled.
Things really took a turn for the worst when she moved in with me. This was circumstantial and probably the worst thing I could have done for us. She wanted to quit her job and go back full time to school. I supported her decision by having her move in with me and not have to worry about rent.
Over the course of these last 5 months she slowly fell into darkness. For a month she would show weird side effects from her meds (prescription meds that she takes for depression and anxiety). Slurred speech and impaired motor function. I wondered if she was abusing them but she said that she was trying different meds to cope with her anxiety of starting school and I believed her.
Time for classes came and she withdrew as she was unable to leave the house. She was depressed and suffering from anxiety and couldn't do it. I let her know that she needed to go back to work as I was not going to support her living with me and not working or going to school. This led to a huge argument but after thinking it through she started work again and as if by magic, all of her side effects from the meds were gone. No slurred speech or anything.
Things were finally back to normal or so I thought. Soon enough she was skipping work and finding ways to not have to go. She wanted us to get a common law marriage so that I could put her under my insurance. I said no because that would guarantee that she wouldn't have to worry about keeping her job. She said to me that my love was conditional and I was forcing her to act a certain way, and honestly I had no response to that. I love her, I just want her to be a functioning member of society and not have to depend on me.
Finally this past Friday I caught her drinking. I didn't know what to do. I have many friends in AA and they told me that I needed to present an ultimatum. I needed to kick her out unless she goes to treatment. But even if she did, we still couldn't live together.
This is my story. I am not an addict but I love one. I feel so terrible for kicking her out. Did I jump the gun? Was I too extreme? This was her first relapse with me, however I just don't know anything anymore. I feel betrayed and hurt. I am wondering if she did abuse her meds and lied about it. I am wondering if perhaps it was too soon to kick her out. If this is the right thing to do, then why does it hurt so much and why does it feel like the exact opposite of what you are supposed to do?
I don't know if I am ready to give up on our relationship. I do know though that she cannot live with me anymore and must be accountable for her actions. She needs to worry about holding her job and paying bills. She needs to find herself.
I will be attending my first ALANON meeting tonight.
When I met her, she was actively going to meetings, had a sponsor and held her job. Over time though, she kept lying to me about going to work and her attendance in AA meetings slowly dwindled.
Things really took a turn for the worst when she moved in with me. This was circumstantial and probably the worst thing I could have done for us. She wanted to quit her job and go back full time to school. I supported her decision by having her move in with me and not have to worry about rent.
Over the course of these last 5 months she slowly fell into darkness. For a month she would show weird side effects from her meds (prescription meds that she takes for depression and anxiety). Slurred speech and impaired motor function. I wondered if she was abusing them but she said that she was trying different meds to cope with her anxiety of starting school and I believed her.
Time for classes came and she withdrew as she was unable to leave the house. She was depressed and suffering from anxiety and couldn't do it. I let her know that she needed to go back to work as I was not going to support her living with me and not working or going to school. This led to a huge argument but after thinking it through she started work again and as if by magic, all of her side effects from the meds were gone. No slurred speech or anything.
Things were finally back to normal or so I thought. Soon enough she was skipping work and finding ways to not have to go. She wanted us to get a common law marriage so that I could put her under my insurance. I said no because that would guarantee that she wouldn't have to worry about keeping her job. She said to me that my love was conditional and I was forcing her to act a certain way, and honestly I had no response to that. I love her, I just want her to be a functioning member of society and not have to depend on me.
Finally this past Friday I caught her drinking. I didn't know what to do. I have many friends in AA and they told me that I needed to present an ultimatum. I needed to kick her out unless she goes to treatment. But even if she did, we still couldn't live together.
This is my story. I am not an addict but I love one. I feel so terrible for kicking her out. Did I jump the gun? Was I too extreme? This was her first relapse with me, however I just don't know anything anymore. I feel betrayed and hurt. I am wondering if she did abuse her meds and lied about it. I am wondering if perhaps it was too soon to kick her out. If this is the right thing to do, then why does it hurt so much and why does it feel like the exact opposite of what you are supposed to do?
I don't know if I am ready to give up on our relationship. I do know though that she cannot live with me anymore and must be accountable for her actions. She needs to worry about holding her job and paying bills. She needs to find herself.
I will be attending my first ALANON meeting tonight.
We all deserve respect & love
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Canada
Posts: 46
Sorry you are going through this. Good that you're going to a meeting, it is helpful. I had to shop around before finding a meeting room that I was comfortable being in.
"I am wondering if perhaps it was too soon to kick her out. If this is the right thing to do, then why does it hurt so much and why does it feel like the exact opposite of what you are supposed to do? "
I think it feels exact opposite of what you are supposed to do because the majority of us are taught to stand by the people we love. We're taught to love against the odds & the media tends to make films that play into that line of thought. It's not surprising that you & many others, including myself, have had conflicting feelings sometimes. However, most of us weren't taught that the rules of engagement don't apply well when dealing with loved ones with addiction problems.
"I don't know if I am ready to give up on our relationship. I do know though that she cannot live with me anymore and must be accountable for her actions."
On if it was too soon to kick her out - you answered your own question by stating she can't live with you anymore. However, since you aren't 100% sure about leaving the relationship at this time, you may be prone to the revolving door syndrome that many of us went through for years.
You didn't mention what her r/l with her parents is like but if they are prone to enabling her, she's going to be spiralling down a lot further before she gets better, if she ever decides to get better. If her parents & no one else in her life enables her, she has a better chance at sobriety & recovery.
I was 50% of the enabling equation in my now dead r/l with XAB. His A Mom was the other 50%. I have little hope of him ever getting better until his Mom passes on. XAB is an only child & has a very sick r/l with his A Mom. His Dad died from brain cancer years back. Both XAB & his A Mom are stuck on enabling each other & racing for the grave. It's a losing race all around, more than sad. I am just glad that I no longer have to witness the sickness & what my therapist calls "emotional incest".
"I am wondering if perhaps it was too soon to kick her out. If this is the right thing to do, then why does it hurt so much and why does it feel like the exact opposite of what you are supposed to do? "
I think it feels exact opposite of what you are supposed to do because the majority of us are taught to stand by the people we love. We're taught to love against the odds & the media tends to make films that play into that line of thought. It's not surprising that you & many others, including myself, have had conflicting feelings sometimes. However, most of us weren't taught that the rules of engagement don't apply well when dealing with loved ones with addiction problems.
"I don't know if I am ready to give up on our relationship. I do know though that she cannot live with me anymore and must be accountable for her actions."
On if it was too soon to kick her out - you answered your own question by stating she can't live with you anymore. However, since you aren't 100% sure about leaving the relationship at this time, you may be prone to the revolving door syndrome that many of us went through for years.
You didn't mention what her r/l with her parents is like but if they are prone to enabling her, she's going to be spiralling down a lot further before she gets better, if she ever decides to get better. If her parents & no one else in her life enables her, she has a better chance at sobriety & recovery.
I was 50% of the enabling equation in my now dead r/l with XAB. His A Mom was the other 50%. I have little hope of him ever getting better until his Mom passes on. XAB is an only child & has a very sick r/l with his A Mom. His Dad died from brain cancer years back. Both XAB & his A Mom are stuck on enabling each other & racing for the grave. It's a losing race all around, more than sad. I am just glad that I no longer have to witness the sickness & what my therapist calls "emotional incest".
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
Xtapoti, I hope that you found a great Alanon meeting tonight, and got some more information about Alanon and alcoholism. If you didn't, people here often recommend trying 6 meetings until you find one that seems like home.
What Alanon teaches us is to take care of ourselves, and one way is to set boundaries. You don't have to second-guess yourself about what you've decided. You've done a great job of figuring out what YOU can live and what YOU cannot live with. You told her your boundaries, and when she chose to break them, you took the action you told her would be the consequence.
"I let her know that she needed to go back to work as I was not going to support her living with me and not working or going to school."
"I don't know if I am ready to give up on our relationship. I do know though that she cannot live with me anymore and must be accountable for her actions. She needs to worry about holding her job and paying bills. She needs to find herself. "
" She relapsed last Friday and I gave her an ultimatum: go to treatment or leave my apartment. She chose to not go to treatment that night. Now she is staying at her parents"
People often just can't get to being as clear as you have been about what you can live with and what you can't. She is living with the consequences of breaking your boundaries. That is fine; it is her choice, and she gets to make that choice if she wants to.
This doesn't mean that you have to right now permanently end the relationship. It may not be time for that yet. You've given your girlfriend a lot to think about, and it may be time to just sit back and watch her actions. No reason to be doubting yourself.
You're really on the right track. A good book to start with is Melodie Beattie's Co-Dependent No More.
Keep coming here, keep posting, we're all with you.
ShootingStar1
What Alanon teaches us is to take care of ourselves, and one way is to set boundaries. You don't have to second-guess yourself about what you've decided. You've done a great job of figuring out what YOU can live and what YOU cannot live with. You told her your boundaries, and when she chose to break them, you took the action you told her would be the consequence.
"I let her know that she needed to go back to work as I was not going to support her living with me and not working or going to school."
"I don't know if I am ready to give up on our relationship. I do know though that she cannot live with me anymore and must be accountable for her actions. She needs to worry about holding her job and paying bills. She needs to find herself. "
" She relapsed last Friday and I gave her an ultimatum: go to treatment or leave my apartment. She chose to not go to treatment that night. Now she is staying at her parents"
People often just can't get to being as clear as you have been about what you can live with and what you can't. She is living with the consequences of breaking your boundaries. That is fine; it is her choice, and she gets to make that choice if she wants to.
This doesn't mean that you have to right now permanently end the relationship. It may not be time for that yet. You've given your girlfriend a lot to think about, and it may be time to just sit back and watch her actions. No reason to be doubting yourself.
You're really on the right track. A good book to start with is Melodie Beattie's Co-Dependent No More.
Keep coming here, keep posting, we're all with you.
ShootingStar1
((Xtapodi)) - I went to my first al-anon meeting Fri. night. FWIW, I'm an RA - abused and got addicted to a number of things, found recovery over 5-1/2 years ago and got tons of support as a major codie and RA here.
I live with my dad/stepmom (sm) - she's an addict, he's become an enabler. I found I was stressed out, couldn't concentrate, so found an al-anon meeting.
I can only tell you that when I walked in there? I felt like I was home. Yes, I am well-versed on codependency, know many of Melody Beattie's sayings by heart. Yes, SR peeps have been awesome, but I needed f2f.
The meeting I chose only meets Fri. and Sat., I went to both meetings. I was given the book on "How it Works" and have been reading it.
I can't begin to tell you how much a difference it has made in me. I cannot discount the people here, they've kept me going for many a year, but I got to the point where I needed f2f help. No judgment, No "you should do this or that", just understanding and compassion.
I've heard that you should go to 6 meetings to see if it works for you, but I was fortunate. I found my "home" the very first time.
I hope you have the same experience. There's nothing quite like someone looking at you and you can see it in their eyes - they know what you are going through.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
I live with my dad/stepmom (sm) - she's an addict, he's become an enabler. I found I was stressed out, couldn't concentrate, so found an al-anon meeting.
I can only tell you that when I walked in there? I felt like I was home. Yes, I am well-versed on codependency, know many of Melody Beattie's sayings by heart. Yes, SR peeps have been awesome, but I needed f2f.
The meeting I chose only meets Fri. and Sat., I went to both meetings. I was given the book on "How it Works" and have been reading it.
I can't begin to tell you how much a difference it has made in me. I cannot discount the people here, they've kept me going for many a year, but I got to the point where I needed f2f help. No judgment, No "you should do this or that", just understanding and compassion.
I've heard that you should go to 6 meetings to see if it works for you, but I was fortunate. I found my "home" the very first time.
I hope you have the same experience. There's nothing quite like someone looking at you and you can see it in their eyes - they know what you are going through.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 14
So I went to the meeting last night. Overall it was a good experience. The topic of conversation was the positive things that everyone had done recently. It didn’t really relate to me honestly, cause I am still in a sad state, however it did make me hopeful that there was light at the end of the tunnel.
I will go again next Monday and am looking forward to it.
A member here also recommended I start reading Melody Beattie’s – Codependent No More, (thanks ShootingStar1)! I downloaded it today and have started reading it.
Thank you all for your thoughts and responses.
I do want to mention that I feel kind of on a tightrope. My girlfriend hasn’t talked to me since Saturday (and I haven’t reached out either). She is with her parents, however her furniture and stuff are still at my place. I want to be strong and follow-through with kicking her out of my place. But I haven’t called her to remind her to send the movers over….
I am still struggling with this. A part of me wants to reach out and enforce the situation further. But non-confrontational me just wants to hope that she will eventually grab her stuff without me reminding her…
I will go again next Monday and am looking forward to it.
A member here also recommended I start reading Melody Beattie’s – Codependent No More, (thanks ShootingStar1)! I downloaded it today and have started reading it.
Thank you all for your thoughts and responses.
I do want to mention that I feel kind of on a tightrope. My girlfriend hasn’t talked to me since Saturday (and I haven’t reached out either). She is with her parents, however her furniture and stuff are still at my place. I want to be strong and follow-through with kicking her out of my place. But I haven’t called her to remind her to send the movers over….
I am still struggling with this. A part of me wants to reach out and enforce the situation further. But non-confrontational me just wants to hope that she will eventually grab her stuff without me reminding her…
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[QUOTE=Xtapodi;3638428]So I went to the meeting last night. Overall it was a good experience. The topic of conversation was the positive things that everyone had done recently. It didn’t really relate to me honestly, cause I am still in a sad state, however it did make me hopeful that there was light at the end of the tunnel. /QUOTE]
I am going to gently call you on the fact that you went to the meeting which is very postive....I think the topic fit for you too.
I am going to gently call you on the fact that you went to the meeting which is very postive....I think the topic fit for you too.
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