Xtapodi

I have been with my girlfriend for two years and she is an alcoholic and was sober for the past 3 years. She relapsed last Friday and I gave her an ultimatum: go to treatment or leave my apartment. She chose to not go to treatment that night. Now she is staying at her parents while I stare at her stuff still in my apartment.

When I met her, she was actively going to meetings, had a sponsor and held her job. Over time though, she kept lying to me about going to work and her attendance in AA meetings slowly dwindled.

Things really took a turn for the worst when she moved in with me. This was circumstantial and probably the worst thing I could have done for us. She wanted to quit her job and go back full time to school. I supported her decision by having her move in with me and not have to worry about rent.

Over the course of these last 5 months she slowly fell into darkness. For a month she would show weird side effects from her meds (prescription meds that she takes for depression and anxiety). Slurred speech and impaired motor function. I wondered if she was abusing them but she said that she was trying different meds to cope with her anxiety of starting school and I believed her.

Time for classes came and she withdrew as she was unable to leave the house. She was depressed and suffering from anxiety and couldn't do it. I let her know that she needed to go back to work as I was not going to support her living with me and not working or going to school. This led to a huge argument but after thinking it through she started work again and as if by magic, all of her side effects from the meds were gone. No slurred speech or anything.

Things were finally back to normal or so I thought. Soon enough she was skipping work and finding ways to not have to go. She wanted us to get a common law marriage so that I could put her under my insurance. I said no because that would guarantee that she wouldn't have to worry about keeping her job. She said to me that my love was conditional and I was forcing her to act a certain way, and honestly I had no response to that. I love her, I just want her to be a functioning member of society and not have to depend on me.

Finally this past Friday I caught her drinking. I didn't know what to do. I have many friends in AA and they told me that I needed to present an ultimatum. I needed to kick her out unless she goes to treatment. But even if she did, we still couldn't live together.

This is my story. I am not an addict but I love one. I feel so terrible for kicking her out. Did I jump the gun? Was I too extreme? This was her first relapse with me, however I just don't know anything anymore. I feel betrayed and hurt. I am wondering if she did abuse her meds and lied about it. I am wondering if perhaps it was too soon to kick her out. If this is the right thing to do, then why does it hurt so much and why does it feel like the exact opposite of what you are supposed to do?

I don't know if I am ready to give up on our relationship. I do know though that she cannot live with me anymore and must be accountable for her actions. She needs to worry about holding her job and paying bills. She needs to find herself.

I will be attending my first ALANON meeting tonight.

johnnamjh

I am sorry for what you are going through. Good for you for going to the Alanon meeting. I don't have any advice as I am pretty new to the journey too. I do know that after dealing with an addict for the past seven months, I would probably assume something was going on with drinking or drugs when her speech was slurred. In our case, every time I bought a story/excuse/explanation, it turned out to be a lie. You might want to find the post in the stickies written by an addict and telling you what they do to people. Hang in there. I think the bottom line is that there is not right answer or one path, but you need to take care of yourself and set limits you can live with and still be healthy.

Here is the post I referenced:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ddicts-do.html

outtolunch

Sounds like you might be confusing your own boundaries with attempts to control her and her outcomes. You decide who lives with you. She decides if she is going to drink, drug, be employed and pay her bills. No need to feel guilty for choosing to not enable her immature and self destructive behaviors

Sounds like she is now living at home like a helpless child. Not your problem is it? She is showing you who she is. Believe her.

Xtapodi

Thank you Johnna.

Xtapodi

that sounds right... you're right.

its just terrible to hear the other person cry when you have to sit there and pretend to be like stone...

is there a happy medium between showing that you care and standing your ground?...

outtolunch

I care enough about myself to establish boundaries to protect me. My boundaries do not seek to change or control other people. I do not impose my boundaries on other people. I respect that others are free to live their life as they choose to do.

I can and do care about many people who choose not to live their lives the way I would. Does not mean I need a front row center seat to it.

SundaysChild

You are showing you care by standing your ground. You would not be helping her by giving her a safe place to drink and crash land. There's a saying that you can "love an addict to death." Sometimes love means letting go.

You've determined your boundaries - you've communicated them to her - and you've enforced them. Now you need to deal with you. Coming here, and going to AlAnon are great beginnings.

outtolunch

Crying is one of the more common forms of manipulation. I am not talking about grief, here.

kmangel

When my son admitted to my husband and me that he was a drug addict, he was all tears over the phone. He didn't like what he had become--wanted to be a good person, have a family, etc. He was ashamed. I think he was truthful--but saying and doing are two different things. My husband and I were novices to addiction, so we fell into the enabling mode so many people fall into. We wanted to help him leave drugs behind. We failed to realize that it is not for us to leave it behind. Our son had to do the work, not us. All those tears and cries of anguish over the phone--but later he was out shooting up more heroin and popping more pills.

It was just a few days after our phone conversation that our son went to rehab and he began to dig his way out of his addiction. He had a lot to learn and so did we. Your going to Al-Anon is a very good step for you to take. My husband and I had to let go our our son and let him sink or swim. It is very hard to do and not something that we could do without the support of other people who have been where we were at the time.

rsk

I do not believe that you "jumped the gun"
I regret not putting strong boundaries up with my ex. Treat yourself well because an addict will not be able to give you the support if you choose to stick around during their active addiction. I applaud you for your courage and wise decision.

rsk

OUTTOLUNCH is very correct with this statement. I fell for the tears and begging for so long but it is indeed MANIPULATION. We must recognize that although we love an addict, this type of behavior is unacceptable. I know that I would not behave this way,especially to those that I love. Manipulation may be a side effect of the disease of addiction but there is a choice to be made by the addict. Does he/she want to begin recovery and work on being a better person...it is ultimately up to him/her.

Xtapodi

thank you everyone. i am glad i registered here and i look forward to the meeting tonight.

drc5426

From what you've described I would say you did the right thing. The behavior you described makes it sound like she had a lot more going on besides a single relapse.

I've been in that relationship, where my ex wouldn't pick up the slack and function as I wanted them to. She would often be depressed, and drink or use at times and hide it very well. I would throw around Ultimatums all the time. Ultimatums arn't good in my opinion, they've never worked for me. I now look back and view them as tools I would use to control my partner's behavior. That's not healthy. She would either defy them or be passive and find ways to get around them. I was giving her a choice. "Either do this or this will happen" She would do this or that and eventually get out of it. I stopped giving her the choice to do better on my terms, because it's not my terms that her choices should be based on. It only caused her to roll further down hill.

Don't get me wrong, I still love her. We have two beautiful children together. I see her on a daily basis but refuse to discuss anything further than our kids. Any discussion of the past, who was right or wrong is prohibited and that's a boundry that we're both comfortable with right now.

Giving in to tears only guaranteed that I ended up right back where I didn't want to be.

Xtapodi

So I went to the meeting last night. Overall it was a good experience. The topic of conversation was the positive things that everyone had done recently. It didn’t really relate to me honestly, cause I am still in a sad state, however it did make me hopeful that there was light at the end of the tunnel.

I will go again next Monday and am looking forward to it.

A member here also recommended I start reading Melody Beattie’s – Codependent No More, (thanks ShootingStar1)! I downloaded it today and have started reading it.

Thank you all for your thoughts and responses.

I do want to mention that I feel kind of on a tightrope. My girlfriend hasn’t talked to me since Saturday (and I haven’t reached out either). She is with her parents, however her furniture and stuff are still at my place. I want to be strong and follow-through with kicking her out of my place. But I haven’t called her to remind her to send the movers over….

I am still struggling with this. A part of me wants to reach out and enforce the situation further. But non-confrontational me just wants to hope that she will eventually grab her stuff without me reminding her…

kmangel

Don't hold your breath. She is an addict and her stuff is not high on her priority list (unless she wants to sell it). So, plan on making her stuff disappear yourself (by getting it back to her)--unless you don't mind looking at it over at your place.

johnnamjh

You are on the right path by going to the meetings and reading that book. Try, and it is SO hard, to work on the 'one day at a time thing.' The thing with her stuff, is it urgent that it be resolved right away? If not, let it be for now and work on your own stuff. At some point, it will be clear that it is time to give her some choices about removing it. Good luck!!