hypochondriac

Okay, so I have decided that SR is the only place where I feel I can be entirely honest...

I seem to be a bit stuck... lost maybe. Stuck between my old life and my new one and not sure quite what to do, where to go from here.

It isn't a daily struggle to not drink. I have my moments but by and large I feel like I have enough tools to stop me from picking up, but maybe not enough to keep me happy about it.

I am going to AA. I love it and really want to do the steps, but there is a slight problem in getting a suitable time to meet with my potential sponsor. I also feel a bit out of place because other than the occasional drunk person who turns up, I seem to be the only one early in recovery. I feel uncomfortable sharing in a way I probably wouldn't if there were other people there who were on the same page as me. Also, although I feel I have gotten over any hurdles regarding making my atheist worldview fit AA, I don't want to adopt the language of AA. I can make it work in my head but I don't want to be years down the line saying stuff like alcohol is cunning and baffling. I kinda think it's perfectly understandable. I love the camaraderie there but I feel a little like to fit in I will have to become something that isn't really me.

On the other hand I went to a SMART meeting thinking it would fit me better but it was a bit useless. I guess one of the disadvantages of SMART is that because of how it works there isn't anyone there with any long term sobriety. Even the facilitator seemed to be of the relapsing type. It was a bit like the blind leading the blind. More a criticism of this specific meeting than the method itself. Plus it is a bit top down in structure and I felt a bit like I was in a classroom what with the big board and all, and I am of the arrogant sort and felt like I could do this myself at home. I will get the handbook from somewhere. But I just felt like it was something else crossed off my list

AVRT I loved but I hated all the anti AA stuff and I really don't feel like I can just 'move on' now.

I don't fit in with my old life now, I don't feel right somehow but I think it might just be in my head. I have distanced myself from my work colleagues, most of my friends, and my family too. With my family it is because some of them just find me even mentioning this really uncomfortable. It has been like this with other stuff so I know I am not imagining it. They want me to be okay and I am not, so it's easier to just not talk about it. With everyone else it is a mixture of me avoiding being in drinking situations and just a sense that I can't bear to be around them. I am at the point now where I can joke about drinking without getting upset or defensive (just one of the wonderful side effects of sobriety ) but I still find all the misplaced comments about alcohol just frankly boring, and potentially dangerous, stuff about needing a drink, drinking guinness for iron and people just not considering not drinking as an option. All in all I would rather stay at home and read than feel like I am surrounded by people who have warped views on alcohol. It doesn't matter for them because they don't know how to drink properly but for me to think like that is suicide. It all leaves me feeling a bit isolated.

I am getting back to some of my old (non drinking) activities but I still feel a bit overwhelmed if I have too much on. I think this a trigger because I used to have a hectic social life and drank inbetween, in a way to keep me going but also because I drank secretly. I have huge problems with motivation. Don't get me wrong, being sober is so much better but I just feel like I'm not moving forward and I really want this to work out for me. I feel like crying every time I see a post where someone has relapsed after months.

I am still seeing a keyworker and doing some CBT stuff which is really helpful and should be getting some counselling soon to help sort some emotional stuff out. But long term sobriety wise I am not sure what I should be doing. I was confused about recovery methods to start of with and I think I probably still just am. I'm indecisive. I will carry on going to AA and hopefully things will start to work out. Sorry that ended up so long, and if anyone can be arsed to read it I'd love some advice/opinions.

Hollyanne

I could have written that whole post myself Hypo.
I too am at the "inbetween stage".
I have eliminated so much from my life, I am at a bit of a loose end.
I am lonely, but am very touchy, so avoid a lot of people and situations.
I am beginning to feel a bit more secure now. I haven't done the steps after step 3.
I am procrastinator extraordinaire!
Family, that will take a lifetime. No help. I am a lot better at dealing with them now.
AA is great, but have to be careful what meetings I go to, as there are some that have self-appointed Gurus that I am allergic to.
Pity, as these are often the step mtgs and would be great only for these people.
I know people will tell me that it is me. Well, "Me" ain't able at the moment!
Keep going Hypo, We will get there.

pipparina

IMO, you don't need to swallow whole all the language of AA. If a sponsor is asking you to do that, and it is against your beliefs, get another sponsor. This shouldn't be a forced conversion. You need to find your own way of thinking of a higher power, whether it be the sun, moon, the tides, God, whatever.
Some of the language in the BB is outdated, but it didn't bother me, and I found the methods prescribed in there easy to swallow. But I came from a traditional Catholic upbringing and neve had a problem with God

Are there other meetings with more newcomers?

Now, I will be criticized for this by the BB thumpers, but I will say it anyway. The only thing you need to do is stay sober. It sure helps to have a program, whatever it be, to help live life sober without turning into a grump, since our attitudes do need to change. So for me, I took what worked for me and left the rest. I did the steps, I called my sponsor, I did some service (although for me, that didn't become a big part of my recovery)
I ignored the drill Sargent methods. I ignored those that said I didn't need therapy because all my problems could be solved in the 12 steps. I ignored those that said I shouldn't be on anti depressants. Etc etc. I'll be celebrating 15 years in April if I don't pick up a drink

I know it shouldn't be used as a cafeteria, plan, but some of it doesn't work for everyone. You will find your way. But keep going. Make it work for you. And use other venues too (like this place)

I know I'm all over the place with my thoughts. I find it hard to write in these tiny boxes, so pm me if you don't understand something I wrote

Dee74

I think most of us have times when we can feel a little stuck.

I spent my first few years thinking I needed to be at point x doing y....it was like a race or an exam at times lol

now I think maybe the whole point was to just be where I was doing what I was doing.

I reckon it's ok to pull off in a lay by on the recovery road sometimes and smell the flowers for a while til you get your head together

I like to keep it simple. I have to stay sober, and be happy.
You have the first one down...now it's time to look at the second.

I have no experience of recovery programmes but I remember I never really felt I fitted in anywhere either, all my life.

It wasn't until I got comfortable with myself that I started to feel comfortable in other places as well.

Again, no personal experience, but the CBT sounds to me like it might be very useful to you

Just as a personal aside, I think you've been doing great

D

CommunityDawn

I could have written your post too, hypochondriac. I'm a chronic relapser and have been in and out of the rooms for the last 2.5 years. There are others in early sobriety, but this is their first crack at AA and so allowances are made for being raw. I feel ashamed and embarrassed that I'm still feeling caught between 2 lives. I'm actually not asked to share these days, but if I was, I'd be embarrassed to open up because I feel as though I've been around for long enough and should be a long term sober...Even when I manage to piece together 3 or 4 days of sobriety, I feel out of place.
All that I can say is that it won't hurt you to keep showing up. Something might eventually kick into place for you and you might feel as though you belong.
I think that sometimes people with a lot of sobriety forget something about how it is to be raw.
That's a shame but it's the way that it is.
Wishing you all the best. xx

instant

I am 17 months sober. I felt I had a "what now" period at 12 months, it was a big deal to get there. There was a post milestone let down, life goes on, but what next ? I woke up to the fact that nothing was changing around me.

I think it is OK to be where you are- the dramas are over, and the reconnections and work to rebuild will slowly come together.

You have a good capacity to reflect but go easy on yourself- and take it slowly

Bruno1979

Hi Hypochondriac,

You have been doing amazing, keep doing what you have been doing and you'll be fine,

Have you tried rewarding yourself?

I've saved up since I quit and I've decided that I'm going to buy a new 3DTV with the money, whenever I've been drinking after work I've easily been spending 25-30quid a session 2/3/4 times per week. This 3DTV will put a massive smile on my kids faces and I'm also quite looking forward to it myself. ;-)

As for the AA, there's no way that it would ever work for me unfortunately, due to my other job I would have to go to meeting way out of my local area, that's is probably just an excuse that I'm using I know, but it honestly isn't for me.

Keep up the good work mate and don't beat yourself up. When I get to what you've achieved ill be a very happy bunny.

Take care,

Bruno.

Jeni26

I'm at work and on my break so this will have to be a quickie!
I understand everything you say Hypo. I am in the same place too. I seem to spend so much time on nurturing my sobriety, meetings, working the steps, posting on here etc that I've lost sight of the real 'me'.
Yes, it's keeping me sober, almost 5 months now. But I am not the person I want to be yet. I'm not spending quality time with my family or with friends, or having fun. I've isolated to such an extent that I have nothing in common with anyone any more.
The way I'm looking at it is that I'm still very early in recovery. I can't expect things to be great yet. I'm sober and that will do for me at the moment.
Dee is right. You're doing great my friend.
This is a lifetimes journey.
Stay strong xxx

hypochondriac

Thanks Dee I do feel part of this is that I am expecting too much...like I should be further along by now, no drinking thoughts and feeling spiritually fulfilled or something! I keep having to remind myself that being sober is a journey not a destination. I do feel like because other people want me to be okay though that I need to achieve something so I can turn round and say 'see, I'm fixed now'. These are imaginary expectations I think other people have of me though.

Thank you CommunityDawn and HollyAnne, it helps knowing I am not the only one feeling like this. It is a really bizarre transition.

Thanks Pipparina, you've actually highlighted something which I haven't done...go to other meetings. I think I will make more effort to do that now. I have always just stuck to the ones which are easy for me to get to regularly. There is no harm in going to odd meetings elsewhere. Especially bearing in mind that this is the only way I can think of to meet other sober people.

Oh and I should have really mentioned that SR is actually the biggest part of my recovery. I wouldn't be sober without this place, and I do feel normal here. Thanks everyone x

hypochondriac

Thanks Instant. I actually think part of my problem may be feeling weird because of the lack of drama in my life. I will take it easy in this strange new calm place

I've been rewarding myself with little things all the time Bruno, but now I am trying to save up for bigger things, like a plasterer and a plumber! I'm not allowed a new tele til my house is finished! You're not a plasterer are you duck? x

And thanks Jeni, you're my rock I am trying to be patient and I realise it's okay to not have everything perfect yet. I was asking myself these same questions at 3 months I'm so bloody impatient! x

Daisypetal

Hi. Selfishly speaking...I was glad to read your post. I'm almost at one year and I still have that stuck-between-two-lives feeling. I certainly want the sober life more, but I'm not used to it yet and haven't learned who the sober me is. It has been a real awakening for me - realizing how much of my life revolved around and "functioned" with alcohol. (doing laundry sober is so not fun!) I'm realizing just how much I need to learn to live in this life - it's not just sober-up-and-all-is-well. Very discouraging. everything is still so very much better than it was a year ago, but I still have moments I really miss my old life.

I've struggled a lot with AA. There is so much about the program I can't agree with or relate too (especially being atheist myself). I'd been in and out for years. Luckily, I found a sponsor who shared similar views. She is not a believer of god, she's not a daily meeting attendee, among other things. I found trying to go to several meetings a week was not for me. I go to one each week (though have missed it too) and will go to more if I'm feeling in a rut - wanting to drink. The best thing I get out of the program is the people. Listening and talking to others before and after (I have yet to find the courage to actually share during a meeting). And finding good meetings was the key for me.

For years I tried to follow the program and never stayed sober. Now, I've learned to "take what I need and leave the rest" as they say. And today, I love AA. I strongly believe that no one program can work the same for everyone and for me its been a struggle, but I'm very comfortable now with AA and how I work the program.

Thanks again for sharing here. It was a big help and inspiration to me. To me, you sound strong in your sobriety - even though you feel stuck, it sounds like you're on track and doing the right things for you.

andisa

Seems you're in good company here with us other athiest/ agnostic stuck-in-betweeners. AA can be difficult for the Christian-based language but the message beyond that is valid. I never did find a group I fit in with, but it's not just AA, it's any group. So I don't fit in. I am my own group. And appreciate those bits that others can contribute.

You're clearly a very thought-full person who is digging deep and searching hard to find the right path for yourself. From this vantage point, you're on a solid path to find it. Carry on! Keep searching. Don't rush yourself, you seem strong and fully capable of finding your way.

Itchy

I think it is a stage, a phase, and not studied or covered because most recovery programs are solely focused on overcoming the first few weeks, and doing maintenance with activities that many missed if drinking from a very young age. Learning to make amends, praying/meditating again, reading, discussing in a group, getting feedback, all designed to support us towards the goal, being recovered.

Many were reading along just fine until I said that word, recovered. I am recovered, and all the methods have little for me beyond the 12th step. GBT which I learned as RET helped me as much as AA and like you, here on SR most of all.

I didn't do AA "right", and once free of alcohol and the need, I moved on with no burned bridges, AA friends are still there. I felt I had a moral imperative to leave because of how they helped save my very life. It was because the long timers, the ones who make AA a great way of life for them, were looking for me to fill all the squares after I was recovered. Kind of like trying to force me to read the directions once I'd already finished building something that worked perfectly for me.

I had to leave out of love and respect because if I both stayed recovered, and did not fill all the squares, some old timers become very uncomfortable and for good reason. I was not going to waste their time explaining how grateful I was, but no, thanks, I was recovered, and was doing my 12th step online.

It is my conclusion that all recovery programs are more like first aid with life lessons thrown in as an afterthought. It is also my conclusion that without AA, my docs and medical detox, and here, I likely would not have recovered.

Which leaves us sober and wondering what to do with this second chance at life. I am in early recovery at two years, and found myself in that limbo from about six months until the last six months. I think that Dee as well as the others like Pip, nailed it.

Once we are recovered there is a period of from one to several years where we are only slowly accepting it as permanent, recovered, and worth acting upon.

All the fears of relapse and reinforcement of others going back can defeat us in this vulnerable period. But many of us make it to feeling excited about things, maybe different things, some old things, but excited and looking forward to those things once more.

Maybe we tried to force ourselves to paint, badly drinking, but believed under the influence that we had talent. Then get sober and stand before the blank canvas of the second chance we have given ourselves at this life, and feel nothing but failure.

Maybe it is because we aren't made to paint, maybe to sing, or dance, or teach or sail.

Some of us stand in front of the canvas and feel empty.

Others think it over and start cleaning out the paints and start to play an instrument.

Others get busy trying everything.

Others knew what changes they wanted the whole time and set about making them.

But as we progress here it becomes clear to me that we all go through this stage. Some quicker than others, some turning back to drink because they have no road map beyond the sobriety and nothing about being recovered. In fact, we are told to avoid that word, to remember we never recover we are always in recovery! Never get complacent! Watch out for inevitable relapses! I think not.

Sure I won't ever take another drink, or smoke one cigarette. Because I know I don't ever want back in that prison of an addicted body animating a tortured mind. I don't drink by choice. I am not deprived, I can go three feet from where I am typing and pour a big drink of my wife's scotch. But I have not only no craving for that drink and after intoxication, but a disgust at the thought of ever risking my very life again. I am not refraining from anything I want, I am searching for it and it isn't in any way connected to alcohol.

Searching with the freedom to go is enough of a trip. Finding things that excite me again is tough. Not because I can't, but because there are literally millions of choices, we can't even put a dent in them if we had 30 lifetimes. At least I can't.

We will get through this phase too, if we are a bit patient with ourselves and channel that impatience into our search. Don't bother searching for the meaning of life, we already know the answer is 42, and that is good enough, and funny enough, for me.

The search for it is enough for me, for now, and fun to boot. I am finding some you see, and busy in the choosing.

Your mileage may vary, not for internal or external use, all rights reserved, three rights is a left.

hypochondriac

Thank you Daisy, Andisa and Itchy

So today I went to see my keyworker excited to tell them about all the positive stuff I have done since I saw them last, and find out I have been assigned a new keyworker! The same one I did 'controlled drinking' with all those years ago. This is a situation which is totally out of my control and in a way shouldn't make any difference but it really threw me. I was surprised how much it upset me, like a small child throwing it's dolly out, and then I immediately got defensive and argued with everything they said. They actually don't seem to understand why I'm struggling after 8 months... I have asked to do more CBT stuff with them... it just really seemed to ruin my day that things have changed and it's not my safe non judgemental place anymore.

But then I had an initial consultation with a counsellor... when I told them I was a recovering alcoholic they turned around and said 'I am too', and the relief I felt, that someone else understood... I didn't have to explain much really, everything I said made sense to them. I think this really answered my question about which route I should be going down. Basically being around anyone other than a recovering alcoholic makes me feel like I am going insane. I'll put more effort into AA stuff and see how I go from there.