pattyG

I have written before about my situation, I have 4 young children and have been involved with my A for 4 years. She and I no Longer live together. I went away for a week for work. I came home on Friday and my head is spinning. First off, she HATES my best friend, who is truely like my family. We have known each other for 20+ yrs. I can count on my bf thru thick and thin. My A is paranoid, she thinks me and my bf conspire against her. While I was gone my A physically threatened my bf. It isn't the first time. A is totally in the wrong but u can't convince her of that. My A spouted off like she was mental tonite and left. My bf feels like she has to move for her safety if this continues.
My babysitter called me this weekend and told me she needed more money or she was quitting. Part of me blames my A because she is always telling her how overworked she is. etc.
Lastly while I was gone, A had all her teeth pulled! She had partials she needed fixed, but decided to have full dentures. She looks totally different to me now. She has aged 15yrs. I find I am not attracted to her and I feel guilty for that. It is the one thing we always had but now I feel superficial saying that she isn't recognizable to me anymore. I find nothing familiar or comforting. As she was yelling about how disrespected she was and how much she hated my bf, all I could think of was how old and broken down she looked. How crazy. She left upset and at first I felt the need to tell her I loved her, in some attempt to comfort her. But didnt. I just took my 4mon old upstairs and started getting my kids in bed.
I am trying to focus on my kids and now sorting out my childcare. I have ordered books on codependency and read here daily. I guess I want some insight. Why is she so filled with hate? She totally disrespected my bf. I should separate myself just to prevent a bad situation there. Ugh. I feel so conflicted.

Katiekate

The hate she is full of , is self hate.

Most often addicts and alcoholics hate themselves, and that is why they self medicate.

Please, do not get twisted up in her stuff. Your plate is full.

I became unattracted to my axbf also, when I first met him, and for years after, I was so incredibly attracted to everything about him, the way he looked, spoke, felt, moved, now, he is nothing but a monster to me.

Maybe cut contact with her, or have minimal contact.

Time to focus on your needs and needs of your children.

Keep posting, we care, Katie

trying77

I often wonder why my partner stays.. it is such a tough call, thank you for posting, it reminded me why I have to stop.. (drinking, that is) Well done on ordering the books, and for continuing to speak up xx

dollydo

Hate is an acid that eats one from the inside out. She is very sick, and I would consider her a
danger to your BF and possibly you.

Me, I would go no contact, focus on your children, there is nothing you can do for her.

Learn2Live

I don't think anyone can tell you why she is so filled with hatred. What I can tell you is that if ANYONE threatened me or my family, I would not give them the chance to follow through on their threat.

I think you were done with her long ago but for some reason you keep hanging on. Isn't life difficult enough to manage without someone spewing hatred and toxicity around, threatening physical violence? When do you and your children become the priority? It is your responsibility to protect your children from people like that. It is bad for them to be exposed to such toxicity.

It does not matter WHY she is that way. What matters is why you keep it in your life.

FedUpWith2Brats

Well, you know what, kiddo? When you are miserable around your A, YOU make everyone around you miserable. Your kids need to be your priority now, and it sounds like you are trying to ensure that. The teeth getting fixed have nothing to do with your loss of attraction-you are finally seeing A for the monster she truly is (Good for You!) It's normal to resist change in your life, even if the change will be better. You are hurting yourself by allowing A to creep into your life and thoughts, people like A only spread their poison, destroying all in their paths. You just keep staying focused on making the best possible life for your kids, and expend all your time and energy on them, that way you won't have time to dwell on A. Don't allow yourself to think you deserve to be hurt for sending A away-NOBODY deserves to be mistreated by others. Keep telling yourself you deserve a loving, caring, SOBER person in your life-because guess what? You DO deserve it! Kudos to you for taking some important first steps, you will be able survive just fine.

SparkleKitty

If someone told you about a stranger who behaved the way your A behaves, said the things she said, and did the things she did, would you allow that stranger around your children for even a moment?